Dating a guy who still lives at home. Advice

Gretchen W · #1 03-12-2011, 01:40 AM

I started a thread a few years ago about my bf who is now my ex. Since then, I didn't really date as much until I met a guy who I really like about a year ago. We've been dating for the past 7 months, and I really like him. He's not perfect, but none of us are, but what sticks out to me is that he's 28 (he'll be 29 in two months) and he still lives at home with his parents. He also has a job that pays well enough for him to have his own place. I asked him about getting his own place and he doesn't seem motivated to. He'll tell me that he's saving money etc. I understand it's hard to be on your own sometimes, but whenever I'm over his place, we have no privacy, so we spend most of our time at my place. I live on my own, and it kind of bothers me that he doesn't. He's a great guy, but I struggle with how he's living off of his mom and dad. Does anyone else think that's a little old to be living at home? I'm just having mixed feelings. Your thoughts on this would be really helpful.

Thanks
Gretchen

victoriana · #2 03-12-2011, 01:51 AM

My main concern with that would be that he doesn't know how to be independent. If he's lived at home his whole life, he may not know how to break away from his parents and be his own man. The privacy thing would also be really annoying. I don't know if this applies to your man, but that was my first thought.

I don't know if it's "okay" that he's living at home... it depends on the situation. If he had problems paying for graduate or medical school, or got into some big debt, and moved home temporarily for financial reasons, that can be acceptable.

If you really like this guy, I would say try not to give him a hard time. He's probably trying to make the best of a bad situation. I know if I was living at home with my parents at 28, I wouldn't be too happy about it. Hopefully he will get so sick of the privacy issue that it will become a motivator for him to move out on his own. If not, hopefully he'll take your feelings into consideration. Make it sound like you really would support a decision to move out. Set out some of the benefits he could reap by doing so. If he's as frustrated as I suspect he might be, this could be the final straw to convince him. If he's content to stay where he is, don't push the issue because you could end up pushing him away. He could think that you're trying to force him into doing things he's not ready to do.

sanjiyan69 · #3 03-12-2011, 02:01 AM

Is he Asian?

Gretchen W · #4 03-12-2011, 02:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by victoriana

My main concern with that would be that he doesn't know how to be independent. If he's lived at home his whole life, he may not know how to break away from his parents and be his own man. The privacy thing would also be really annoying. I don't know if this applies to your man, but that was my first thought.

I don't know if it's "okay" that he's living at home... it depends on the situation. If he had problems paying for graduate or medical school, or got into some big debt, and moved home temporarily for financial reasons, that can be acceptable.

If you really like this guy, I would say try not to give him a hard time. He's probably trying to make the best of a bad situation. I know if I was living at home with my parents at 28, I wouldn't be too happy about it. Hopefully he will get so sick of the privacy issue that it will become a motivator for him to move out on his own. If not, hopefully he'll take your feelings into consideration. Make it sound like you really would support a decision to move out. Set out some of the benefits he could reap by doing so. If he's as frustrated as I suspect he might be, this could be the final straw to convince him. If he's content to stay where he is, don't push the issue because you could end up pushing him away. He could think that you're trying to force him into doing things he's not ready to do.

He's been out of school since he was 23, and yes he's got student loans to pay, but I do too, and I live on my own. It frustrates him when I don't want to come over because of his parents. He did have his own place for a few years but he moved back in with his parents because he wanted to save more money for a better place, and he wants to go to grad school eventually. Sometimes I think he puts its off a lot. That bothers me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sanjiyan69

Is he Asian?

No, why?

33girl · #5 03-12-2011, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

It frustrates him when I don't want to come over because of his parents.

This is the WEIRDEST part to me. I mean, most guys in that situation do NOT want you to come over and hang with the parents...they want to get the hell out of the house, whether it's to your place, a friend's place, a car, a bar, whatever.

Either he's taking this relationship way more seriously than you are and wants his parents to see you as marriage material, or he's got other issues. I don't think it's financial AT ALL.

KSUViolet06 · #6 03-12-2011, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

I don't think it's financial AT ALL.

This.

I can totally understand people living at home temporarily for financial reasons, but for some reason, I don't think this is his deal.

He may be one of those people who initially moved home to save money, but got comfortable with it and is delaying moving out.

I personally don't know how people do that. I love my mom/stepdad, and I had to live with them between undergrad and grad school, but by the end of that 7 months I seriously couldn't wait to get out.

Gretchen W · #7 03-13-2011, 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

This is the WEIRDEST part to me. I mean, most guys in that situation do NOT want you to come over and hang with the parents...they want to get the hell out of the house, whether it's to your place, a friend's place, a car, a bar, whatever.

Either he's taking this relationship way more seriously than you are and wants his parents to see you as marriage material, or he's got other issues. I don't think it's financial AT ALL.

That's a good point, but he's not like most guys or most guys I've dated. I'm not ready to be married as of yet and I don't think he is either. We're still trying to get to know each other. It really is a financial thing for him because we don't really go anywhere. We go some places just not very often. We either hang out at my place or his, and maybe a nice dinner on occasion. I don't mind that we don't really go anywhere, what bothers me is that he has a job that pays well enough for him to have his own place. He doesn't seem very motivated and that's what I don't like. When we're at his place, his parents aren't usually around because we spend most of the time in the tv room in their basement and they rarely come down there when I'm around. Just knowing the fact that they're in the same house doesn't feel like privacy to me.

I read all of the other comments, and I appreciate them. In the meantime, I'm going to keep my options open.

33girl · #8 03-13-2011, 12:49 PM

Even that (hanging in the house with the parents letting you alone) is weird. It would almost make more sense if he was trying to get you to get to know them, etc. At any rate, this is completely reminding me of Failure To Launch.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...I guess it's a generational difference, but I just cannot wrap my head around how comfortable some kids (I'm considering this guy a kid LOL) are today having their parents all up in every facet of their lives.

cheerfulgreek · #9 03-13-2011, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

That's a good point, but he's not like most guys or most guys I've dated. I'm not ready to be married as of yet and I don't think he is either. We're still trying to get to know each other. It really is a financial thing for him because we don't really go anywhere. We go some places just not very often. We either hang out at my place or his, and maybe a nice dinner on occasion. I don't mind that we don't really go anywhere, what bothers me is that he has a job that pays well enough for him to have his own place. He doesn't seem very motivated and that's what I don't like. When we're at his place, his parents aren't usually around because we spend most of the time in the tv room in their basement and they rarely come down there when I'm around. Just knowing the fact that they're in the same house doesn't feel like privacy to me.

I read all of the other comments, and I appreciate them. In the meantime, I'm going to keep my options open.

He seems like a major procrastinator. Like, one of those guys who says he going to do something tomorrow, and then the days turn into weeks, and the weeks into months and the months into years.....into not doing it at all. I mean, is he lazy? Sounds like it.

sanjiyan69 · #10 03-12-2011, 03:34 AM

The reason I asked is that in traditional Asian family, they live with parents even after college.

All jokes aside, it all depends on the situtaion. I think Victoriana pretty much explained what I'd say.

Eightisgreat · #11 03-12-2011, 08:55 AM

It bothers you for a reason. Ladies, your gut reaction is your friend. Listen. It is telling you something. It may not be just that he lives at home. It can be a multitude of factors that manifest itself in the "living at home issue." Filter out what you think is at the core of the issue. Is it that he isn't "man-enough?", is it that he sides with his parents over you and uses "I live at home, need to keep the peace" excuse...etc. Figure out exactly what it is and decide if YOU can deal with it.

AZTheta · #12 03-12-2011, 09:13 AM

^^^co-sign. Dead on.

And, I would like to add, true not just for ladies, but for men as well.

ThetaPrincess24 · #13 03-12-2011, 11:06 AM

I think it is becoming more common, for whatever reason, for more and more for people to still stay at home. Part of it could be, parents are doing so much for their kids that when the child does try to strike out on their own, they end up striking out because they havent learned to do anything for themselves, so they end up back at home. If parents arent forcing the child to pay rent, be responsible for their own meals/groceries, do their laundry, etc., what incentive does the child have to leave?

There are two couples on our cul de sac that annoy the crap out of my husband and I over this issue.

Couple 1 (next door neighbors): This couple is in their 60's. Close to retirement but not quite there yet. Until recently their youngest son, who is 37 JUST moved out. He worked at the Kroger across the street as a store manager and was living in their basement. We never saw any friends he had over, any girls, or guys for that matter. A few months ago he took a job with Kroger in Cincinatti and he moved up there. But guess what? Son is back at his parents EVERY weekend! This is the oldest son of two, the youngest son has been out of the house since he went to college and comes to visit now and then.

Couple 2 (two houses down, next door to next door neighbors): Have a son about my age (just over 30) living in the basement. He has flunked out of several universities, including the local community college. This guy seemingly has friends come in and out, but guess what he does for a living? He delivers pizzas and his parents pay all of his bills.

While it isnt our business, these situations have always been bothersome for my husband and I, who have not lived with our parents since going off to college.

For me personally, I couldnt live with either parent or my in laws for longer than a few days unless there was a major disaster--house burned down, house blew away in a tornado, etc. It would be hard for me to date someone my age or older who was living with parents unless it was an extreme circumstance with the intent of getting their own place soon.

angels&angles · #14 03-12-2011, 11:30 AM

A lot of my friends right now are living with their parents, but it's because we all graduated into a crap economy and can't afford to live on our own. I know it really bothers all of my friends, and they're working their asses off to try and find something to support them on their own. I would definitely have a problem with anyone who was fine with living with their parents. Even though I love my parents to death and am at their house all the time, I could not WAIT to get my own place (had to live at home for a few months after grad while looking for a job/apartment). I think it's a sign of immaturity to be willing to live off your parents. (Of course this is not intended for those cultures where it is traditional for a child to live at home. I have an Indian friend who really struggles with her desire to move out of her parents house. She feels she will have to move across the country to get her parents' approval.)

Thought: How likely is it that, if you and this guy get married, you're going to have to take care of him? He's going to stop living off his parents and start living off of you if you let him.

DSTRen13 · #15 03-12-2011, 11:36 AM

I had to live with my parents for awhile due to a medical issue. My sister lives with my parents due to a lack of money. You know better than we do his motivations and exact situation.