As an alumna, how WELL should you know a PNM in order to write a RecForm/Sponsorship?

[KillarneyRose]

Last summer I read several posts from a GreekChatter who was about to go through SEC rush. She was understandably very nervous and unsure of herself. I wrote her a PM with some advice and words of encouragement, she wrote me back and we continued to e mail one another whenever she had a question about greek life.

She mentioned one day that she had recs from all but three houses; Delta Zeta being one of them. I did not offer to write her a rec, but I suggested she give me a telephone call so we could chat a bit.

She did just that, and we talked for an hour and a half. I found that she was a polite, charming and intelligent young lady. She was active in her church, school and community and had outstanding grades. I felt that I got to know her better in a ninety minute one-on-one conversation than I had EVER gotten to know a rushee during rush week. At the end of the conversation, I told her I would write her a rec.

Understandably, not all of us would feel comfortable doing this. It is a judgement call. If I had not thought she would be able to uphold the ideals of my sorority, I would not have made the offer and, had she asked me, I would have politely declined.

The way I look at it is this...the Sisters that initiated every single one of us trusted us enough to share the Ritual with us. As we all know, that is never something to be taken lightly. Along with becoming a sister comes the responsibility to act in the best interest of our sisterhood. When I wrote a rec for this young lady, that is exactly what I felt I was doing.

I guess my longwinded post can be encapsulated in one sentence..."Use your judgement and do what you think is in the best interest of your sorority"

[kdonline]

For many years, I was the Miami, FL contact for recs for Kappa Delta. And boy, was it crazy!

In the early 90s, our Alumnae Panhellenic had a committee specifically for this. All of us from different sororities would pool our resources together (many of us were high school teachers, club sponsors, etc) and make a HUGE list (I typed it up for a couple of years). we also had a "Rush information party" where we hosted PNMs for a session on what rush is like.

really, this was a great way to see alumnae from ALL sororities working together..

Anyway, so we'd get this list & basically, we were on our own on whether or not we'd recommend a girl to our sorority. I used to write one up for every girl that looked great on paper, making sure to note "I do not know this girl personally".

Later on, this Panhellenic committee dissolved. And when the chapters would contact me for recs, I'd give a verbal, saying "If this girl makes it to prefs, I'll write the rec." I didn't get contacted much after that -- who knows if those girls pledged anywhere!?

Since I resigned from teaching a few years ago, the last of my former students are going through recruitment this year. Only one girl asked me for help -- she doesn't know any greeks. She is a fantastic girl, so I don't mind going out of my way to find other alumnae to help with rec writing. Our Miami network has, unfortunately, dwindled...but I gave it a shot & hopefully a few women will write a rec on this girl, based on her "former teacher's" opinion.

[justamom]

Write a letter for a complete stranger ??? NO.

Send in a form? Maybe.

If a second party knew the person WELL, and I knew the second party WELL-Yes.

[justamom]

I just wanted to add that I understand that there is a policy in place and stressing recs stresses PNMs. That said, I'd rather see a girl be "stressed" and running her tail off getting recs, as enough people have indicated can make a difference between being cut or not, than going in blind, paying the fees, buying the clothes, dreaming of sorority life only to be HEARTBROKEN when she is cut. That would be the bigger travesty. Lot's of girls have no idea what to do or how to prepare because they haven't been groomed. GC is one place where they can find out some of what legacies know and have a more equal footing.

Maybe it's because of the place I live and what I've seen. What I do know is my daughter would have been cut from 90% of the sororities if she didn't have a rec. It was a blanket statement by the Rho Chis. I'm glad we both took the advice seriously.

[AggieDZ]

JAM - PM'd you....

[FuzzieAlum]

Whew - all I have to say is, I'm glad I went to a school where recs basically didn't exist! Call me lazy, but it seems like too much work. I didn't even buy new clothes for rush.

I guess I can see why they're a big deal at larger schools, but still, it seems unfair to those from "non-Greek" backgrounds. It gives some girls not only the advantage of being a legacy somewhere and knowing other Greeks, but also of knowing what they have to do. I hope the schools where recs are truly necessary let PNMs know this well before rush so the girls don't find out the hard way. If I was told, "Oh, you don't need recs," and then found myself cut everywhere, I wouldn't be a happy camper - especially if rushing sophomore year had limited chances of success. I could easily see how that could make you a little bitter.

[UC_Berkeley_jr]

I was wondering how it is we are supposed to dig up a rec. if we don't know whether someone was in a fraternity? My point being this: I know a lot of people who went to school, but don't know if they were in a fraternity. I don't want to go around like an idiot asking everyone I ever knew whether they were in a frat. Is it possible for me to take a name, plug it into a search engine somewhere, and see if that person was ever in a frat? That way I'd be able to ask them for a rec. without asking everyone under the sun. It seems that you can only search at a single national frat organization at a time though (i.e. - put in a name at Sigma Phi Epsilon's site, search, repeat at every other frat's site). Thanks for any input.

Matt

[SATX*APhi]

Ya know, this gal e-mailed me on AOL asking if I could write a rec for her for one of our strongest chapters. I had no idea who this girl was. She sent me a whole bunch of info. about her, as well as a pic of her. I did not write a rec for her, nor did I ask anyone else to. I did think of possibly telling one of the girls I know from that chapter, "Hey, a stranger by the name of so-and-so e-mailed me....blah blah." I mean, this girl does seem very interested, if she went so far as to e-mail a stranger for a rec! I haven't mentioned this girl to my friend who is in the other chapter. I am not sure if I will......

[justamom]

Matt-It seems more difficult to go about finding fraternity alums than sorority alums. I don't know why, maybe it varies with different areas. We know pretty much who was what because way back when, pledging a fraternity was as big a deal (here in the south) as pledging a sorority. So Hubby REMEMBERS.

Iwould think-First look to the men in your town who are college graduates. The doctor-lawyer-local businessmen. Even asking an active woman may turn up the fact that HER husband was, or another teacher's husband was in XYZ. If their family is from the area, they will know who else around town is an alum. The smaller the town, the more difficult this could be.

If you have ANY kind of relationship with ANY of those kinds of men or women they may prove very good source. I wish I knew what to tell you. It really helps when a parent is behind you because it's easier for them to bring up the subject.
Best of luck.

PS-Some fraternities don't place the same emphasis on recs, it all depends on your Greek system and if the guys think you click.

[kddani]

big fat bump!

[azdtaxi]

I* know this is an old thread but it just got bumped so I have a question. When girls need to get recs you can go on panhellenic website and it always says stuff like contact your local npc chapter. Well these people arent going to necessarily know whoever needs the rec. Also I went through rush at Ole Miss when I was a freshman and if I wouldn't have been talking to a girl who was going to LSU I wouldn't have even known recs exsisted. My family doesn't know many greeks so we had a family friend friend write recs. I am sure a lot of girls are in this position what would ya'll advise?

[Tippiechick]

There's a big difference between writing a glowing recommendation and basically an information-only rec.

Chapters can tell the difference.

I see NOTHING wrong with an info-only rec. It is simply getting the girl's foot in the door. It says nothing about how much you actually recommend her for membership. It simply says, "Hey, take a look and decide for yourself. But, I wanted to let you know a bit about her so you could remember her during rush."

I have written one recommendation EVER that was not an info-only. I reserve those for the truly deserving of being highly recommended. (As a side note, she went ZTA ) I do understand and agree that it is not worth putting your reputation on the line for someone you do not know. But, I don't see how an info-only rec jeopardizes anyone's rep.

[polarpi]

Originally posted by Tippiechick
There's a big difference between writing a glowing recommendation and basically an information-only rec.

I do understand and agree that it is not worth putting your reputation on the line for someone you do not know. But, I don't see how an info-only rec jeopardizes anyone's rep.

Agreed - I have only written information-only profiles (and I make certain to put that in big capital letters on the form as well as tell the person who I'm submitting the form for). I agree if it's a way to have someone take a second look at a PNM who may be an asset to any chapter, I'm more than happy to give them that opportunity. Maybe someone has a difficult time in a formal recruitment situation (I know I wasn't very comfortable and had a hard time "selling" myself) and these information-only profiles may help the chapter to look closer at this person before they make their decision.

[DolphinChicaDDD]

Ya know, I was looking for a thread like this to bump. But I have a different take/question.

My mother's friend's daughter("Mary") goes to my alma matter, and she wants to go through recruitment. Mary barely graduated from high school (got caught plagerizing her senior paper) and less then steller academics all around. She also is very catty, vindictive, and is not one for the rules. Her mother informed me the other day that she also received phone calls from the police about Mary (probably regarding underage drinking/drinking in public) and has had community service "a few times" since starting school last semester.

Then I get asked to "put in a good word at your sorority for Mary." There is no way that one I would write a recommendation for this girl. In fact, part of me wants to write my chapter and warn them against her.

Should I write a warning letter? An anti-recommendation letter? I don't think she would be the correct fit for my chapter, but on the off chance, should I write or inform someone at my chapter?

Advice please.

[carnation]

You could call someone in the chapter and discuss it with them. Then if they need a formal "no-rec", maybe you could do it for them.

I've only written 2 no-recs and they involved girls who would've ripped up any sorority. It sounds like this girl may be one of those.