How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[trulygreek]

It might be a good idea for legacy mom's to tell their daughter about the sorority they were in and what it meant to her, but she should also let her daughter know that if she chooses another sorority, she will not be dissapointed. Sororities can vary by school and to put the pressure on your daughter to join a sorority that might not be the best match for her, is a crippling experience for her college career.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by trulygreek

It might be a good idea for legacy mom's to tell her daughter about the sorority she is in and what it means to her . . . .

Fixed your post for you.

[AGDee]

I have never had to tell my daughter what my sorority means to me because she sees my commitment to it on a daily basis.

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by trulygreek

It might be a good idea for legacy mom's to tell their daughter about the sorority they were in and what it meant to her, but she should also let her daughter know that if she chooses another sorority, she will not be dissapointed. Sororities can vary by school and to put the pressure on your daughter to join a sorority that might not be the best match for her, is a crippling experience for her college career.

Originally Posted by trulygreek

It might be a good idea for legacy mom's to tell their daughter about the sorority they were in and what it meant to her, but she should also let her daughter know that if she chooses another sorority, she will not be dissapointed. Sororities can vary by school and to put the pressure on your daughter to join a sorority that might not be the best match for her, is a crippling experience for her college career.
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www.trulygreek.com

You had to re-post to include your spam siggy?

[gee_ess]

excellent post steelerbear. I can definitley relate to the undercurrent of love for your mom's GLO that you felt your whole life. I felt the same way growing up and so did my daughters!

[gee_ess]

Originally Posted by dgdramadawg

I know that we've since gotten off on other topics pertaining to legacies, but I wanted to keep y'all posted on the girl and her mom from the original post.

I spoke to the mom and basically just played dumb and said "Oh, is Suzie Q going through recruitment? I would love to write her a rec for DG." Her mom told me that it would be very nice of me to write her one, but that her daughter would not be considering any chapters other than her legacy chapter. We had a nice little chat about the fact that some very nice/pretty/smart/involved girls that we mutually know have not had a great deal of success with that particular chapter, and maybe it might be best to allow Suzie Q to look at all options.

I get the idea that this mom will not allow Suzie Q to pursue any other chapter unless her legacy chapter cuts her. She didn't say precisely that, but that's just the vibe I got by the end of our conversation. At least now I think she understands that it might be important to get recs for other chapters because her dd might not necessarily be a shoo-in for her legacy house. However, with this campus' recruitment coming up VERY soon, it might be too late for her to secure recs for every house.

If you see Suzie Q in the next few weeks, you should pull her aside, give her your phone number and tell her that you would be happy to chat with her if she has any rush questions or concerns as she heads off to school. It is a nice, "innocent" thing to do and also lets her know she has an impartial friend she may call on if needed.

[FSUZeta]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

If you see Suzie Q in the next few weeks, you should pull her aside, give her your phone number and tell her that you would be happy to chat with her if she has any rush questions or concerns as she heads off to school. It is a nice, "innocent" thing to do and also lets her know she has an impartial friend she may call on if needed.

excellent suggestion!

[Amicus]

A woman that I am friends with pledged ABC sorority back in the day. She had hoped her daughters would follow in her footsteps. But just because she had a positive experience as an ABC, it didn't mean that her daughters would

The oldest daughter went off to college, not her mother's alma mater. While she was going through rush, her mother called to get an update. The mother asked her daughter if she had been to the ABC house yet. The daughter said yes, but without enthusiasm. The mother asked what was wrong with the ABC house. Her daugher said that the ABCs had the reputation, deserved or undeserved, as the campus sluts. The young woman pledged DEF sorority.

Second daughter goes off another college. During rush her mother calls for an update. The mother asks about ABC sorority. Her daughter said that she visited the house but had a miserable time. She said that she was treated well since she was a legacy, but noticed how poorly the non-legacies in her rush group was treated. She added that the ABC on her campus had a reputation of being the most uptight, most prim and proper (prissy even), most conservative sorority on campus. The young woman had wished there was a DEF chapter on campus, but there wasn't one. She ended up joining XYZ.

My friend's youngest daughter did go to her parents' alma mater and pledged ABC. She had a superlative experience as an ABC.

Go figure

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by Amicus

A woman that I am friends with pledged ABC sorority back in the day. She had hoped her daughters would follow in her footsteps. But just because she had a positive experience as an ABC, it didn't mean that her daughters would

The oldest daughter went off to college, not her mother's alma mater. While she was going through rush, her mother called to get an update. The mother asked her daughter if she had been to the ABC house yet. The daughter said yes, but without enthusiasm. The mother asked what was wrong with the ABC house. Her daugher said that the ABCs had the reputation, deserved or undeserved, as the campus sluts. The young woman pledged DEF sorority.

Second daughter goes off another college. During rush her mother calls for an update. The mother asks about ABC sorority. Her daughter said that she visited the house but had a miserable time. She said that she was treated well since she was a legacy, but noticed how poorly the non-legacies in her rush group was treated. She added that the ABC on her campus had a reputation of being the most uptight, most prim and proper (prissy even), most conservative sorority on campus. The young woman had wished there was a DEF chapter on campus, but there wasn't one. She ended up joining XYZ.

My friend's youngest daughter did go to her parents' alma mater and pledged ABC. She had a superlative experience as an ABC.

Go figure

Yes, "go figure" = perfect illustration of what every alumna, of every GLO, says over and over and over ad nauseum. Every chapter is different, at every college and university. There are no universals.

In other words: the PNM needs to find the right place for her, and not for her mother, sister, grandmother, aunt, cousin, best friend, boy friend, blah blah blah.

[AXOrushadvisor]

Originally Posted by steelerbear

Okay, here's my (long--sorry about that) story...

Growing Up
My mom has always been an active ΦM alumna, serving as alumnae chapter president, adviser for two collegiate chapters (one of which she helped get its start), and national officer. She would often take me down to one of the chapter houses where she was Adviser and introduce me to the girls who were there. When ΦM's national convention was here in Baltimore, I might have been about 10, but my mom had me putting together about 1,000 goodie bags to help out the local alumnae chapter that was "hosting" convention. Obviously, I had an affinity for the Greek system early on. Heck, I even remember one time I was making a keychain that was pink and silver, with the intent of giving it to my mom for ΦM's silver anniversary (little did I know how old the organization was). I've been on a never-ending Quatrefoil Hunt since I was, oh, about 6. (Side note: one of my mom's "favorite" ΦMs at one of her advised chapters has since gone on to become a pediatrician in the same practice as mine. When I went in for my final appointment with MY pediatrician, I got to meet her again, this time as my sister. Very cool!)



Junior Year of High School
I went with my parents to my mom's Alumni Weekend at her college. She, of course, took me to meet her ΦM sisters. At least one of the girls who was there was a collegian, so already I was being introduced to people whom I would see when I ultimately went to the same college. I even got to take the group picture... practice for all those pictures I'd be taking in college myself.

Senior Year of High School
I auditioned at the conservatory at the college my mom attended in the '60s. I stayed on campus with two girls--one a ZTA (who was actually my hostess), the other a ΦM (her roommate). I was already experiencing the whole "Greek Unity" thing.

Freshman Year of College
I attended the same school as my mom. She had told me on numerous occasions that when I joined a sorority, she would buy me a "pretty badge," so obviously, she wanted me to go through rush. It never dawned on me that it might hurt her if I joined something other than ΦM, even after she had mentioned that she and my dad would be paying my membership dues no matter which group I joined. I'm pretty sure my mom had written my rec letter the day I was born.

My RA was a ΦM, which, of course, my mom found out the second I moved in the dorm. I didn't really have any intent of going through rush, but I did it sort-of to humor my mom. On Bid Day, after the festivities were over, I called my mom and told her I'd joined another group, just to hear her reaction. It was something along the lines of "...(short silence)...Good, congrats, I hope you'll be happy, just let us know what we can do for you." Very supportive, if hurt. But then I told her the truth, that I'd just returned from ΦM's Bid Day. I think the first thing out of her mouth was "you little brat," followed by "when should I come out for Initiation?" Since then, the bond I share with my mom has grown even stronger, but I'm still glad to know she would have supported my decision to go elsewhere.



...Continued...
It wasn't until after I was initiated for at least a few months that I learned my nickname. Because my mom was from that same chapter and highly involved locally and nationally, I'd been nicknamed "The MegaLeg" during rush. Even a year or so later, I still heard that nickname once in a while. It didn't bother me, but it did make me wonder if I'd gotten a bid because of ME or because of MY MOM.

Back to the OP...

Because Mom is a dunce who has placed her own interests above her daughter's happiness. I certainly hope you have gone ahead/do go ahead with writing a rec for daughter! It sounds like she'll need all the support she can get from all the people who'll give it to her.



The whole 'money' thing is a pain in the butt. Even my Little relinquished her membership because she couldn't afford her dues anymore, and that still haunts and hurts me to this day. Not quite along the same line as the OP, but anyway... I have a VERY close friend at church who's 17 and going into her senior year of high school. Her family is not very well-off financially. Neither am I, but because of my love of Greek Life, and because I know Caitlyn (my friend and "little sister I never had") would probably enjoy Greek Life as much as I did, I've already started a savings account just in case she decides to go through recruitment. Her mom (her main care-taker; Dad's a schmuck) doesn't much care for Greek Life, and she doesn't want Caitlyn to get into anything that might cause trouble for her... but I know better. So when Caitlyn is ready to go off to college, wherever that may be, you'd better believe I'll write a rec if I can, and that her dues will already be paid for! Yes, I am aware that I'm crazy.


See my story above. I think my mom did a pretty gosh darn awesome job at pushing (read: not pressuring) me to go through recruitment. She also made it quite clear beforehand that I had her love and support no matter what I chose to do. That, I think, is the sign of a good mother, a good Panhellenic member, and, generally, a good person.

I don't find it crazy that you willing to pay someones dues. I find it extremely kind. I take my hat of to you.

Good story, BTW.

[LionTamer]

I'm facing this with a friend from my book club, where several of us attended Penn State and were members of different sororities.

One of the women has a daughter we'll call Susie who is heading off there in the Fall, and I told her how brutal it was there now - that a woman I know had a daughter cut from her top tier sorority even though was a double legacy (mom and grandmom) and had been Homecoming Queen at her high school (meaning she had to have been a halfway decent and attractive percent to get elected by her peers).

My friend just looked at me, and said "Susie WILL be an ABC!". Even though ABC is also top tier. (The one advantage to Penn State is that there are spots in plenty of other, perfectly-good sororities for everyone; the disadvantage is that it sounds like a lot of girls drop out if they don't get into one of the few seen as "top tier").

I'm afraid the two of them may be in for some heartache....

[dgdramadawg]

Originally Posted by LionTamer

I'm afraid the two of them may be in for some heartache....

At least you tried... some people just won't listen until it happens to their little girls.

[dgdramadawg]

I don't want to out the PNM or anything by telling you which house she pledged, but I just thought I'd let those of you know care know that the Mom from the original post DID allow her daughter to pledge another house after she was cut from her legacy house. Thank goodness.

[psusue]

Originally Posted by LionTamer

(The one advantage to Penn State is that there are spots in plenty of other, perfectly-good sororities for everyone; the disadvantage is that it sounds like a lot of girls drop out if they don't get into one of the few seen as "top tier").

I'm afraid the two of them may be in for some heartache....

This. It's so frustrating to watch all of the beautiful and well-qualified women drop out because the sororities that give them invites back are not considered "top tier". The real kicker is that every sorority has great strengths and that if the women rushing had some foresight they would realize that if they joined XYZ (aka a less-desirable sorority) they could change its image in just a year or so's time. It isn't as much like the South in that reputations do change, and drastically so, within a single new member class. That and so many of the PNMs are beautiful, well-spoken, intelligent, and interesting that there is no way all of them could even fit into a single NM class. Oh, the joys of a large Greek system.

Also thanks for the update, DGdramadawg, I am glad that your friend's daughter found a home after all.

[barbino]

Originally Posted by dgdramadawg

I don't want to out the PNM or anything by telling you which house she pledged, but I just thought I'd let those of you know care know that the Mom from the original post DID allow her daughter to pledge another house after she was cut from her legacy house. Thank goodness.

This. Thanks for letting us know about the outcome. I was worried about this PNM. "All's well that ends well ..."