Disappointed mom

[APhiAnna]

I will be honest and say that my chapter is a strong one on our campus. We pledge the PNMs we want, socialize with the "top" fraternities, raise lots of money for our philanthropy, high grades, high activities, "moves and shakers", etc. If I wasn't a legacy it is very doubtful I would have received a bid because I am pretty different from many of the sisters, but I still connect with them and have a good time.

On the other hand there is a woman who we pledged at one point who was the biological sister of an older active. She does not even come close to fitting in and I think her sorority experience has been incredibly discouraging. She has the most incredible socials...yet she doesn't attend because she doesn't feel comfortable with the girls OR the guys. Her pledge sisters are "movers and shakers" (to use your term)...but it is a moot point because she just does not have anything in common with them. She has all the "social status" on campus she needs...but she honestly could care less about that because she has had such little fun in her sorority.

She is an incredible woman and we were excited to pledge her based on her grades, her stunning activities, her fun personality, etc. But in the end, even though she has incredible morals and a strong personality, she just does not fit in and hates her sorority. I honestly think the only reason she is still in it is because of her sister's pressure to finish it out.

The point is is that she would THRIVE at so many of the chapters at our campus. What if that was your daughter? The girl in the chapter who struggles to even make small-talk with her sisters, all the while knowing there are other sororities where she would have multiple best friends? I feel so bad for this girl and I always make it a point to include her on the rare occasions when she comes to the house, but even then I know I'm not her favorite person...we just don't click.

Please be happy that your daughter is somewhere where there are women she gets along with and has fun with. Even if you are a troll I understand this is a prevalent attitude (not just in the South) and wanted to throw my 2 cents in.

[rufio]

<insert outraged comment here>

[ΑΓΔSquirrel10]

Originally Posted by sail100

My daughter went through rush this fall. I didn't expect her to go through, and since she's a bit on the shy side I really didn't encourage it knowing how stressful and heartbreaking it can be. Background - we live in a very competitive region of the country and live in a small town, and she knew only a few girl going to this college who are in sororities. Although she's very cute, she's never been obsessed about style and makeup; probably because she is the only daughter in a family of several boys. I tried to do what I could to help her have a successful rush based on my past experinece - nice clothes and accessories, mani/pedi, conversational coaching, makeup, etc. but I knew it would be very tough. To say she was cut heavily would be an understatment. By round two she only got invited back to two parties (I won't say how many different sororities there are at her campus other than it's in the double digits). These two were the bottom of the barrel reputation wise. At this point I tried to get her to drop out, maybe make some friends during the semester and try for spring rush or again next fall. Yes, it would have limited her choices, but she could at least have had a chance for some others. She refused to drop out. Pref night she was down to one party and received a bid to the smallest house on campus. She accepted and is in her pledge period.

She seems ok with it, but I'm going to come right out and say it even though I may get a lot of angry comments. I'm embarassed for her. I really don't even want to tell my friends what she pledged because I can tell they are shocked. It is common knowledge in our state, among those knowledgeable of Greek life at this university, that this house is the absolute bottom. They rarely make quota and constantly have to COR as well as spring rush. I have seen their social calendar and it is really lacking. They have few activites, and they basically don't have any mixers. Greek life is big at her campus, and most sorority calendars are packed with many social activities.

I guess this is so upsetting because I know exactly how much fun being in a sorority can be. I was in a sorority(not this school) that was considered very solid. Every rush we got many of the girls we wanted, we had mixers with great fraternities, my fellow sisters were the campus movers and shakers. I was so proud to wear my letters. To this day it still means something in our state to say I'm an "XYZ". I'm afraid she'll eventually figure this all out and realize she made a huge mistake. I want to encourage her to drop out before initiation and a commitment is made. Time is running out. I would like some advice from any moms who have been in my shoes - feel free to PM me, as I understand this is a sensitive topic.

Guess what? IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!! I really hope that you aren't Alpha Gam, because I would be ashamed to call you my sister. You need to shut up and stop thinking of yourself over your daughter! She is happy where she's at, and it was HER decision; not your own.

[sail100]

I simply want my daughter to have the same kinds of wonderful experiences and memories I did, and I think she would definitely be shortchanging herself in this organization. I'm even afraid that they may close this chapter down in a few years if their numbers don't improve. That would be a terrible thing to go through.

Yes this is the South, and some posters get it. It is really impossible to explain to those who don't live here. I remember going through rush in the 80's and how my roommate's best friend got cut from her legacy house and eventually was released from all houses. Her mother got countless condolence calls from her sorority alumnae as well as from her friends in other sororities.

I suspect she may be aware of the limited opportunities she may have in this house, but I think I need to make sure she is fully aware before committing to this. Her happiness at receiving a bit may be coloring her judgment.Despite what many of you think, I did send her the requisite sorority goody basket on bid day, and tried to be happy for her. I have not made tacky or hurtful comments to her.

I have received some very kind PM's, and for that I am grateful. They have given me some things to think about and have put some issues in perspective.

[love9life]

Well shes happy and thats all that matter. You should get a life and stop worrying what YOUR friends think. She likes where shes at and leave it at that your phsco crazed mom.

You really come on as one of those moms that tries to lvie there lives out of thiers D. so really just stop and be quiet!

[paulam]

...and the award goes to...Sail100! If your daughter had a choice to pref another mother, Joan Crawford or you, I would hope she would choose the other one as her first choice. At least Joan Crawford made no pretense of actually loving her daughter. The child was important only insofar as she advanced her mother's reputation, social standing and career. Your daughter's choices in life as an adult are not yours to make and if others judge you badly for the choices she makes, then it's their problem, not yours. How insecure you must be to have to depend on others' opinions to have a good opinion of yourself. Most of us outgrow that in high school.

I live in the south and yes, sororities are important but they are not the be all, end all. This sorority giving your daughter a chance to finally blossom out from under you is the best thing that could have happened to her. By the time she graduates, she will become a wonderful, lovely, active and confident young woman. Will you still feel ashamed of the choice she made?

Paula M
Sigma Delta Tau
Patre Multi Spes Una
One Hope of Many People

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by paulam

...and the award goes to...Sail100! If your daughter had a choice to pref another mother, Joan Crawford or you, I would hope she would choose the other one as her first choice. At least Joan Crawford made no pretense of actually loving her daughter. The child was important only insofar as she advanced her mother's reputation, social standing and career. Your daughter's choices in life as an adult are not yours to make and if others judge you badly for the choices she makes, then it's their problem, not yours. How insecure you must be to have to depend on others' opinions to have a good opinion of yourself. Most of us outgrow that in high school.

I live in the south and yes, sororities are important but they are not the be all, end all. This sorority giving your daughter a chance to finally blossom out from under you is the best thing that could have happened to her. By the time she graduates, she will become a wonderful, lovely, active and confident young woman. Will you still feel ashamed of the choice she made?

Paula M
Sigma Delta Tau
Patre Multi Spes Una
One Hope of Many People

Paula,

I knew there was a reason I was proud to call you my sister. This post just shows me some of it.

[KSUViolet06]

Ok. so this is apparently a common sentiment in the South.

At what point does a mom let go though? I mean, at what point does mom say "this is not my life, it's hers and she can do what she pleases?"

Do Southern moms whose kids don't join "top tier" chapters spend their whole lives dwelling on it and being embarrassed?

These are serious questions. I've only even lived in California and Ohio, so I'm reasonably clueless about this sort of mother/daughter dynamic when it comes to sorority life. I've heard of moms being upset when maybe daughter doesn't get into Harvard, but even they get over it--and I just don't see sorority life as important enough to dwell on like this.

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by APhiAnna

I will be honest and say that my chapter is a strong one on our campus. We pledge the PNMs we want, socialize with the "top" fraternities, raise lots of money for our philanthropy, high grades, high activities, "moves and shakers", etc. If I wasn't a legacy it is very doubtful I would have received a bid because I am pretty different from many of the sisters, but I still connect with them and have a good time.

On the other hand there is a woman who we pledged at one point who was the biological sister of an older active. She does not even come close to fitting in and I think her sorority experience has been incredibly discouraging. She has the most incredible socials...yet she doesn't attend because she doesn't feel comfortable with the girls OR the guys. Her pledge sisters are "movers and shakers" (to use your term)...but it is a moot point because she just does not have anything in common with them. She has all the "social status" on campus she needs...but she honestly could care less about that because she has had such little fun in her sorority.

She is an incredible woman and we were excited to pledge her based on her grades, her stunning activities, her fun personality, etc. But in the end, even though she has incredible morals and a strong personality, she just does not fit in and hates her sorority. I honestly think the only reason she is still in it is because of her sister's pressure to finish it out.

The point is is that she would THRIVE at so many of the chapters at our campus. What if that was your daughter? The girl in the chapter who struggles to even make small-talk with her sisters, all the while knowing there are other sororities where she would have multiple best friends? I feel so bad for this girl and I always make it a point to include her on the rare occasions when she comes to the house, but even then I know I'm not her favorite person...we just don't click.

Please be happy that your daughter is somewhere where there are women she gets along with and has fun with. Even if you are a troll I understand this is a prevalent attitude (not just in the South) and wanted to throw my 2 cents in.

This is a GREAT post.

[kddani]

Originally Posted by Jen

But you all know there are mom's exactly like this here, even if this is a sockpuppet post.

Seriously. Even if she's not real, there are plenty of women like her on GC. Who knows, some of which may have already posted in this thread....

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

At what point does a mom let go though? I mean, at what point does mom say "this is not my life, it's hers and she can do what she pleases?"

It depends...ever heard of Momzillas? In some areas of the country, it's sororities. Others, it's sports like cheerleading, gymnastics, and figure-skating.

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Do Southern moms whose kids don't join "top tier" chapters spend their whole lives dwelling on it and being embarrassed?

Some of them do, others don't. It depends on the specific town and how prominent they are within them.

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

These are serious questions. I've only even lived in California and Ohio, so I'm reasonably clueless about this sort of mother/daughter dynamic when it comes to sorority life. I've heard of moms being upset when maybe daughter doesn't get into Harvard, but even they get over it--and I just don't see sorority life as important enough to dwell on like this.

But, and this is something I only understand because of where I grew up, for some mothers, THIS IS THEIR HARVARD. In some circles, what sorority you joined at Fillintheblank U. dictates what their friends are going to be like, who they marry, and what their lives will be like as adults. I'm not saying that this is right, but this mentality is very real.

I won't lie, there are organizations that I might recoil if my daughter were to join, but I'd try my hardest to get over it. It may be harder, however, depending on the organization.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Ok. so this is apparently a common sentiment in the South.

At what point does a mom let go though? I mean, at what point does mom say "this is not my life, it's hers and she can do what she pleases?"

Do Southern moms whose kids don't join "top tier" chapters spend their whole lives dwelling on it and being embarrassed?

These are serious questions. I've only even lived in California and Ohio, so I'm reasonably clueless about this sort of mother/daughter dynamic when it comes to sorority life. I've heard of moms being upset when maybe daughter doesn't get into Harvard, but even they get over it--and I just don't see sorority life as important enough to dwell on like this.

It is not a common sentiment in the south. In the south, the reputations of college chapters may play big in hometowns, but it's not normal or common for mothers to want daughters to drop chapters that the daughters are apparently happy in.

I think it's common or normal for mom's to feel disappointed when their daughters don't end up in the chapters that they want, but not to do what this mom is doing in terms of debating whether to encourage her daughter to drop before initiation.

It would be far more common for everyone to appreciate that mother and daughter might be disappointed, but to admire them more for supporting the chapter who actually wanted to offer membership to the girl.

Seriously, I've never seen a case in real life in which a mom remained ashamed of her daughter's chapter months after bid day.

[Jen]

Originally Posted by sail100

I simply want my daughter to have the same kinds of wonderful experiences and memories I did

How do you know she won't? How do you know anything about what your daughter will make her experience? You can't know until it's happened. You are looking at her experience in terms of YOUR life, YOUR requirements to be happy, YOUR personality and YOUR longing for the old days.

I suspect she may be aware of the limited opportunities she may have in this house, but I think I need to make sure she is fully aware before committing to this. Her happiness at receiving a bit may be coloring her judgment. Despite what many of you think, I did send her the requisite sorority goody basket on bid day, and tried to be happy for her. I have not made tacky or hurtful comments to her.

Do you not think she doesn't know how you feel? Do you think you're really that good at hiding your true feelings? On some level, she knows you're disappointed. There's a good chance she feels like she's disappointed you as a daughter if she knows how focused on being "the best" you are. The limitations you think she is feeling may be ones you're putting on her rather than ones the Greek system or her new sorority are.

What if she really loves where she is, but she knows you're upset about it? What if she's the type of person to depledge her group just to make you happy, be a good daughter, and in the process, makes herself completely miserable? Is that really what you want for her?

You have to trust her to make the decision that is right for her - REGARDLESS of what it is. If she decides to stay and the chapter is closed in a year or two and she's upset over it - HER problem.

If she gets initiated then realizes she's miserable - HER problem.

She has all the information she needs to make her decision on her own.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Some of them do, others don't. It depends on the specific town and how prominent they are within them.

But I tend to think the more authentically prominent you are, the less it matters. It's the social climbers who will be heartbroken.

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

But, and this is something I only understand because of where I grew up, for some mothers, THIS IS THEIR HARVARD. In some circles, what sorority you joined at Fillintheblank U. dictates what their friends are going to be like, who they marry, and what their lives will be like as adults. I'm not saying that this is right, but this mentality is very real.

This may partially true, but I don't think that if your family already had the status, your GLO changes your fate.

I think family status often affects a girl's rush and if you expect to meet your spouse at college, which sorority you are in may affect which guys you meet. But for a girl from a family with high status, especially one with a bunch of brothers like the OP, I doubt it's going to matter that much.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

But I tend to think the more authentically prominent you are, the less it matters. It's the social climbers who will be heartbroken.



This may partially true, but I don't think that if your family already had the status, your GLO changes your fate.

I think family status often affects a girls rush and if you expect to meet your spouse at college, which sorority you are in may affect which guys you meet. But for a girl from a family with high status, especially one with a bunch of brothers like the OP, I doubt it's going to matter that much.

This is why I said the crucial qualifier, "in some circles ."