lonely and depressed...

sairose · #1 06-14-2003, 01:04 AM

I know this is so stupid to be posting my personal feelings here, but I just have held things in for too long.

And this is sooo corny, so I'm sorry. Please don't think I'm stupid.

It's just that it gets so lonely. I mean I've been single for 3 years and in this time have not dated anyone. In fact I've only been on one date in my entire life, and that's because I asked the guy. (The guy I went out with never took me out). I'm now 20, close to 21, this will be my fourth year in college, and I'm still alone.

And I know I'm not the only one not dating anyone. But it's so hard right now. Out of my original 3 friends I made at the beginning of my freshman year, 2 just got married and the other is engaged. Several other friends are getting married or are in serious relationships. I've gone to 2 weddings this summer and another one is tomorrow. It's not that I want to be married yet...because I don't...it's just that i wish I had someone in my life. Or at least a date...I've always wondered what it would be like to be asked out, and taken on a date. I've never had that.

I get so sad when I'm out with my friends/sisters and they talk about their boyfriends. And I get sad when I go to the movies with my friends and there's all these couples there and it reminds me how no one has ever taken me out.

There's been so many guys I have liked. One turned out to be gay, which absolutely crushed me. The others, if they found out I liked them, gave me the "I just see you as a friend" speech. One of my closest guy friends I have liked since I met him a year ago, but I'm not going to let him know that. What's the point?

And right now this whole stupid post sounds like a teenybopper writing into Seventeen magazine for help. So I'm sorry. But I'm really hurting. I don't understand...I have a LOT of friends and a full social calendar. I don't consider myself ugly. I am not shy (although I have a hard time letting feelings show towards guys). I am active in my sorority and in several performing ensembles.

I feel like I was meant to be alone. I feel like guys don't like me, and don't want me. I feel like I can't be seen as date material, but only as a friend. I've not talked to my friends about all this because they've all got boyfriends and a few are married, so how can they relate? Plus, when they're so happy, why depress them with my sob story? I've felt so alone in this and have fought back tears and put on a fake smile for too long.

Is it stupid of me to feel this way? I just feel totally lost.

polarpi · #2 06-14-2003, 01:10 AM

I'm not trying to trivialize what you're saying, but I know what you mean . I'm 23 years old, I've never had a boyfriend, I've never gone on a date, I've had one person tell me he liked me, but by the time we discussed this, he only saw me as a friend/sister. My friends from freshman year of college are all married, engaged, or seriously involved with someone and on the verge of engagement. I try and put on a brave face about not having a boyfriend with most of my friends (there are a few I can talk to about it)...I feel, as you do, that I'm always meant to be the "friend" to all the guys that I am attracted to. I'm super shy, so I don't even have the guts to talk to someone I like and TELL them I like them. It's something I need to work on.

Hang in there....the right person is out there for you somewhere....and until you meet him, we can always commiserate together here on GC.

Peaches-n-Cream · #3 06-14-2003, 01:26 AM

I'm sorry that you are feeling lonely and depressed. I think that I had two real dates in college and no real boyfriend. It was a lonely time for me and for many of my friends. It's difficult when the world seems to revolve around couples and you're single.

Things improved immensely after college. Not only for me, but for many of my friends. The only advice that I have is to put yourself out there if you want to start dating. Tell your friends and family that you are looking to meet someone. They might know someone. If they don't, don't be too disappointed. People meet in strange ways. I know someone who met her fiance by going to her church and asking her priest to pray for her to bring someone special into her life. The priest said that he knew someone who is looking also and introduced them.

Many people meet at school, work, volunteer groups, church, and even bars. I wish you the best.

PhiMuJulia · #4 06-14-2003, 01:49 AM

I'm gonna give you simple, short advice I got from one of my sisters who is getting married this august

One day a man will put a ring on your finger and he will love you more than anything, timing is everything and IT WILL COME TO YOU

I kind of live by that, college is hard time, I dated a guy for over a year while I was at community college and through most of my first year at the school I'm at now, its been over a year and I've been on 3 dates and have kissed 3 guys and it kills me cause I see so many of my sisters either in a long term relationship heading towards marriage or just lining the dates up, but we all have to live our lives a little different I guess, it has nothing to do with your looks or your personality, it all has to do with timing.

Hootie · #5 06-14-2003, 02:37 AM

Sweetie I can sympathize. I have been single for a year now. The last relationship I was in was with my now ex-fiancee. And at first I just kept to myself and wasn't interested in dating cuz I just wanted to focus on getting life back in order. Now I'm ready and there's no one for me.

I'm 23, live alone, work and go to school full time, all my friends have serious boyfriends or fiancee's...they don't know anyone single to hook me up with. The only men I meet are coming into my store to buy diamond rings for their girlfriends or wives...

Talk about depressing. I make other female's dreams come true but yet I can't have the same thing

I'm ready to date again...but dunno where to find the guy. I try not to go looking cuz that only makes you settle for the wrong man. But seriously, WHERE DO YOU FIND A GOOD GUY THESE DAYS? Certainly not online, certainly not in a bar....where else is there? Church?-but then it's like odd cuz you shouldn't be picking up on guys there and I refuse to do that.

Oh well. I know things are rough. Sometimes you gotta just SIT DOWN with some good friends, some chocolate and beer and have a Sex in the City marathon. Then you won't miss guy's so much

PhiMuJulia · #6 06-14-2003, 02:40 AM

hootie I feel yah, do yah ever feel like you don't even know how to date anymore?

Hootie · #7 06-14-2003, 02:48 AM

I just feel OLD now. LOL. Like I'm not into partying anymore and I pretty much don't flaunt my body in tight clothing so when I go out if feel totally out of place. I don't know that I feel like I don't know how to date as much as I feel that I don't know how to attract a guy anymore.

PhiMuJulia · #8 06-14-2003, 02:53 AM

me too, I mean I party, but I've never been one of those girls with the ridiculous sticks figures and the perfect straight hair who could spit and make guys come running...and men in college are completely useless, plus I'm 22, so I'm older than the vast majority of them

CatStarESP4 · #9 06-14-2003, 02:54 AM

I am 30 years old and I haven't had a date in nearly five years (and that was a disaster in itself). I don't have a boyfriend and hadn't had one since High School. My mom thinks that is not normal since some of my sisters are either married or in relationships (and I am the oldest member and alumna of the sorority). Part of me thinks I am not ready to be in a relationship and the other part thinks that I should make it happen. I have a crush on a friend and he is seven years my junior (he is only 23). I don't know if it will materialize and survive a lengthy distance (he is in NY and I am in Arizona). I am also shy and don't always open up that easily!

I understand that you are depressed and lonely because you are not in a relationship. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it, but other times you need to make that move. Have patience and it is not stupid to feel like this! Good luck!

aggieAXO · #10 06-14-2003, 03:25 AM

Oh girls I can totally relate. I am 31 and most of my friends are either married, married with children or in serious relationships. I just broke up with my on/off again boyfriend of 3 years for the last time-it was a very dysfunctional relationship and I defintely don't want to repeat my mistakes. Will the right guy come along?-I don't know but I am tired of wondering and waiting around-it is time to focus on me.

Eirene_DGP · #11 06-14-2003, 09:52 AM

SAIrose, I'm sorry you are feeling down and out. The way I look at it, most of the people who are dating or married are not completely happy. I would rather wait on the right one, than be with someone I can't stand. Looking back, I wish I remained single throughout college, than being on lockdown with one boyfriend who later turned out to be psycho. I agree with PhiMuJulia....the right one will come to you.

tinydancer · #12 06-14-2003, 10:11 AM

Sweetie, I am so sorry that you are feeling down. I am a great believer in kismet. It will come to you when you least expect it. I had a looooong relationship with a great guy, but in the end it just did not work out. It still hurts, but I think kismet may strike twice. BTW, I am "over 40" (lol to those who know how old I really am) but I still think that somewhere there is someone for me. Oh, and my former boyfriend was my best friend in the whole world. That is not a bad place to start.

sairose · #13 06-14-2003, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Hootie

But seriously, WHERE DO YOU FIND A GOOD GUY THESE DAYS?

I just don't know. I go to a smaller church(about 200 members), and I already know everyone there. No date prospects there, and besides, most of the people there around my age are married or in serious relationships.

I sometimes go to the Church of Christ Center on campus, but nearly everyone there is married, engaged, or in a relationship.

I don't go to bars, so that's out.

Online just isn't a good idea.

And at college...I don't understand where I'd meet anyone. I spend most of my time around band people/music majors, and there's no one in band that I would date. Usually I could say that maybe there'd be a cute freshman or something, but this will be my fourth year so it would be a little too weird now to date a freshman.

So what am I supposed to do? I'm not bold enough to ask guys out, hit on them, or let guys know I like them. And the guys I like only give me the "just a friend" speech, so why waste my time?

It just gets to be too much sometimes.

AlphaSigOU · #14 06-14-2003, 10:38 AM

It isn't necessarily limited to women, though. I'm on the far side of my 30s and have yet to marry or have a significant relationship in years. (The one significant relationship I had with a girl left emotional scars on me which took very long to heal, so I take things VERY cautiously now.)

I've already gotten used to the idea of 'no wife, no kids, no hurry for either', but that doesn't make me a confirmed bachelor. Eventually I'll settle down, get married and maybe start a family, but as I've already told my old man, 'don't hold your breath waiting for grandchildren!'

justamom · #15 06-14-2003, 11:02 AM

First, I do understand how you feel. I was 27 when I got married.
I was the LAST woman standing so to speak-always a bridesmaid, never a bride! Plus my dating history with Hubby, who I met at 17, was often mildly tumultuous, there were many long term breakups. I felt scared and lonely at times too.

Now, as I look back, I wish I would have done more with the freedom I had. I didn't travel, I didn't pursue some dreams all because I was "waiting".

Now I can see that the majority of successful marriages in this little corner are between couples who wed in their late 20s and early 30s. I will admit that most of the men are professionals and completed their education PRIOR to marriage. Not all, but several couples married in college or right after, split up. Maybe it's because so much about you as an individual changes in your 20s.

Things are very difficult for young women (IMO). You face moral and health issues that didn't exist to the same extent as they do now. However, people are living longer and women are able to have children later in life.

A very wise person said-the harder you look for love, the more elusive love becomes. It knows its own time, but it can't find YOU if you're stuck at work or home. The more men you come in contact with, the better chance you will find one you could love.

What I am trying to say is at 23, you have the entire world waiting for YOU. Sure, some people can go to a bar and meet a guy and it works out great, they can go to church groups and all that. You have the greatest opportunity to meet someone if you go out and LIVE. Experience new things. Go to boat shows-(JUST a JOKE) There is some truth there-Men love their toys, find some you could like as well. Just know that many, many feel or hve felt exactly like you do. Never hesitate to share your feelings, that's when GC really shines!