12 Days of Christmas

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The following are a set of love letters to John, from Agnes:

December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection,

Agnes



December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes



December 16th
Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love,

Agnes



December 17th

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes



December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes



December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially,

Agnes



December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with the birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes



December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is cow poop all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART-ASS!

Ag



December 22nd

Hey Butthead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And man do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Ag



December 23rd

You Rotten Dick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those women ladies. They've been with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of cow dung. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sic'ing the police on you. They know where you are.

One who means it,

Ag





December 24th

Listen, Doormat:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.

Those pipers ran through the maids and are now after the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Miss Agnes McCallister



December 25th

From the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Dewey, Cheatem and Howe
Attorneys at Law