Need advice... she's making my life hell!

[IsobelS]

Hey everybody. I have a big question... i need advice and I don't really know who else to ask so I thought I would ask here. Maybe someone else has had a similar situation with someone.

I am an alum in a small local sorority and we have a BIG meeting coming up in three weeks, just before Christmas. Everyone (active, inactive, alum, everybody) has been asked to be there because we're discussing some important stuff. I love my sorority and i love my sisters so much. I really want to go and be supportive but there's this one girl who makes my life completely miserable.

I used to be friends with her but then we had this big falling out because she was hurting me in alot of ways. She would try to make me buy things for her even though I didn't have alot of money, and she would always manipulate me into paying her bills. She tried to keep me from having other friends and she would get mad if i was in class and couldn't hang out with her. Then she started liking a guy who i was in a relationship with so she decided to "get even" by trying to hurt me in even more ways. Anyway I broke off our friendship and tried to get as far away from her as possible, but she is still in the sorority.

Ever since we broke up our friendship she has been out to get me. She is really manipulative and she lies about me behind my back to my other sisters. She also tries to sabotage anything I do including things that affect the sorority in a major way (one time she told me she hated me and would do anything to hurt me even if it hurt the sorority). She somehow pretty much turned a lot of my friends against me! Now it is not that I am an unlikable person or something. I was president of two other organizations during that time (they nominated me, I didn't run) and I was liked by everyone outside the sorority, just this person was trying to turn my sisters against me

But the worst thing about it is that i feel like she is destroying our sorority. She was in a leadership position and made some really bad decisions but somehow no one seemed to notice. (like I said she is really manipulative of other people and she is a control freak) She tried to blame alot of the stuff on me. She is hurting my beloved sorority and I can't stop it!

I have tried everything to make up with her but she flat out refuses even after several years. I can't even talk to other sisters because she has them so brainwashed that some of them don't even know there is a problem. She just says these horrible things behind my back like she will go to someone and say, "Isobel is usually so nice, but it really makes me sad when she talks about how fat you are behind your back. She is always making fun of you. I wish she wouldn't say those things" even though I never said it, she is just trying to make everyone hate me by preying on their insecurities!!!

So now i don't know what to do. Should I go to the meeting because I love the sorority and my sisters or should I just try to avoid it and not look back? The only reason I would not go is because of this person. She makes me really miserable and I feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack when I think about being in the same room with her.

My husband and mom said not to go. They said, "you have graduated now, you should not have to worry about her or anything that has to do with her." But like I said I really love the sorority and my sisters so much that it hurts me to feel like I am abandoning them when they need me.

Should I suck it up and go, but sacrifice my mental health and happiness for the sorority, even though alot of them don't treat me right because of this person? Or is it time to just let go, give up, and move on... not looking back? It's like that saying being "stuck between a rock and a hard place".

Thanks everybody.

- Isobel

[LPIDelta]

This meeting is about the sorority--not you and this sister. If you care about the sorority as much as you say you do, you'll go and figure out how to be a productive asset, and not let your personal life affect the sorority's business.

I always tell the women in the chapter that I advise that many times sorority happenings "are not personal, just business" and you need to insist that is the case. By staying away, you are allowing the personal to affect the business and functioning of the sorority, and that is not productive.

Also--understand that eventually someone, if not everyone, will see this woman for who she really is because eventually she will tire of you and start doing the same things to someone else. I had a manipulative sister in my chapter that eventually ended up driving away several sisters--I wish at some point I would have been mature or insightful enough to see it, confront her or at the least talk to her about how her taking things personally was affecting the chapter and relationships among sisters.

Good luck.

[TSteven]

Be sure to take care of yourself first. As such, only you can decide if you should go back.

Now if you do go back, take the high road. As hard as it may be to do so, when ever possible just ignore the sister you have issues with. Also, are there any other members that you would feel comfortable to discuss this situation with prior to the meeting? It would be nice to have at least have one member "on your side", as it were, at the meeting. Someone you can hang out with and know will be supportive of you.

And one final piece of advice if I may. If you find you need to discuss an issue that may somehow involve her (or address her), do not make it personal. Just keep your discussions related to sorority affairs.

Best of luck.

[DGTess]

Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

Please check out this link:
http://newsinfo.iu.edu/web/page/normal/5103.html

[IsobelS]

Thanks for your comments LPI!

I have really tried everything I could possibly do to talk things out with this girl. I've written her letters and emails and talked to her face to face on several occassions. I have even apologized for things I didn't even do just to try to work something out. I just wish the other sisters could hear the cruel things she says to me when no one is around.

I really don't want it to affect the sorority, but she will just stop at nothing. Even our new members in the past AND some people who were rushing noticed the problem, but the older members dismiss it because she has them wrapped around her little finger.

That is part of why I don't want to go... she refuses to let me be productive in the sorority. Everything I do she just twists it and makes it a bad thing. For example, we were both PM at one point. I was PM for one semester but the next semester I went on to be treasurer and she was PM for two semesters after me. I recruited three times the number of girls she did with less people to help me. But somehow she has convinced everyone that I was terrible at recruiting, so no one listens to my ideas anymore. She has got them all thinking that I know nothing about recruiting even though I had one of our biggest pledge classes ever!

So I can't even express my opinions to help the sorority, and i am made to feel dumb when point out the ways she is hurting the sorority (like how she doesn't want to allow girls who are friends to rush, or she wants Bigs/littles to be complete opposites on everything so they can "make different friends") It feel like it is impossible for me to be an asset in this situation because she shoots me down constantly and tries to make me look bad in front of everyone, so i can't even help them at all. It doesn't mtter WHAT I say... I could say the sky is blue and she would argue it to death.

I agree with you 100% but I don't feel like I'm the one letting my personal life interfere with the sorority matters. I have tried really hard to put things aside and work things out with her, I have even begged her to just think about the sorority first, but she will not stop. Her goal is to make me quit the sorority and she will stop at nothing.

If it is hurting the sorority for me to be around (since she always argues and attacks me regardless of what I am saying or doing doing), wouldn't it just be better for them and me to stay away?

[paulam]

Dear Isobel,

I hope you will not let this manipulative sister ruin your sorority experience. People like this are often self-destructive. You will find that you are not the only one singled out for "special" treatment by this disturbed woman. Behavior such as you described is usually pervasive, meaning that she behaves this way in all situations, not just in your sorority. It gives her some semblance of control in her world in which nothing is actually in her control. She would need years of therapy to overcome this disturbing behavior. She exhibits some symptoms of a sociopath.

If anything, you should approach her with sympathy...tell her you understand how deeply miserable her life must be when she sees you happily married (maybe with kids?), successful and in control of your life. This would take the wind out of her sails particularly when said sincerely and possibly in hearing range of others. You are not trying to be mean to an emotionally distubed person; you are merely taking control of the situation. I am sure if you checked with some other sisters (not everyone hates you...we all grow up except for the poor unfortunate you have described), you will find she went after others as well and there will be sisters who will support you.

Best of luck and enjoy your meeting.

Sincerely,

Paula M.
Sigma Delta Tau
ΣΔTPatriae Multi Spes Una One Hope of Many People

[LPIDelta]

If it were me, I would not let her win. But its up to you.

[33girl]

If this other sister is also an alum, she has NO business making decisions about who to rush or how bigs & littles should be picked. I know that locals often let alums have a bit more say in collegiate chapter operations than NPC groups do, but the things she's advocating are WAY over the top. (Not to mention completely contradictory to most basic rush/operations practices.)

I had a similar falling out with a sister who was one of my best friends and this is really a time when you have to put it aside and keep on plugging because it's for the sorority. LPIDelta is right, eventually others will wake up and see her true colors...I've seen it happen and it really DOES happen, even if you think it never will. Not only that, there might be other people who feel that way about her, but if you just knuckle under and let her win they'll feel like they are wrong.

Don't try to "work things out." How could you ever trust this person again? You don't need to say more to her than hi or hello. The friendship is dead. Let it go. Stop apologizing, stop emailing, stop letter writing. In your world, she doesn't exist any longer. Don't say "well I think the big/little idea that Psycho had is stupid" - just present your own idea, without referring to hers.

Also - make sure that other people know that you and this girl are NOT on speaking terms, and that anything that comes out of her mouth about you (especially saying that you said this or that) should not be believed. If there's anyone who you think has changed their opinion of you because of what she's said, go to them now and set things straight.

[adpiucf]

My advice is to skip this meeting. Continue to speak positively of your sorority, but put your involvement on the back burner for a few years. This person you don't like may move or her influence may fade away in time, allowing you to get re-acquainted with the organization. You should not have to expend time or effort where it is unappreciated or where you are made to feel unwelcome. It is one thing to make a life-long pledge to a sisterhood, but you have extended the olive branch and it has been rejected. Why subject yourself to more of it?

If you are just going to die if you can't help out, talk about your concerns with some of the alumnae association officers. They may be able to find a way for you to assist in a manner that will allow you minimal contact with this person, as well as allowing you to interact with other sisters you can become friends with.


Bottom line --> there's no sense making yourself miserable or giving your time where it is clearly unwanted or unappreciated. Find another activity.

[ladygreek]

I would go. Your absence would give her the opportunity to spread more lies about you.

[Leslie Anne]

Originally Posted by IsobelS

Ever since we broke up our friendship she has been out to get me. She is really manipulative and she lies about me behind my back to my other sisters. She also tries to sabotage anything I do including things that affect the sorority in a major way (one time she told me she hated me and would do anything to hurt me even if it hurt the sorority). She somehow pretty much turned a lot of my friends against me!

But the worst thing about it is that i feel like she is destroying our sorority. She was in a leadership position and made some really bad decisions but somehow no one seemed to notice. (like I said she is really manipulative of other people and she is a control freak) She tried to blame alot of the stuff on me. She is hurting my beloved sorority and I can't stop it!

I have tried everything to make up with her but she flat out refuses even after several years. I can't even talk to other sisters because she has them so brainwashed that some of them don't even know there is a problem. She just says these horrible things behind my back like she will go to someone and say, "Isobel is usually so nice, but it really makes me sad when she talks about how fat you are behind your back. She is always making fun of you. I wish she wouldn't say those things" even though I never said it, she is just trying to make everyone hate me by preying on their insecurities!!!

So now i don't know what to do. Should I go to the meeting because I love the sorority and my sisters or should I just try to avoid it and not look back? The only reason I would not go is because of this person. She makes me really miserable and I feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack when I think about being in the same room with her.

My husband and mom said not to go. They said, "you have graduated now, you should not have to worry about her or anything that has to do with her." But like I said I really love the sorority and my sisters so much that it hurts me to feel like I am abandoning them when they need me.

Should I suck it up and go, but sacrifice my mental health and happiness for the sorority, even though alot of them don't treat me right because of this person? Or is it time to just let go, give up, and move on... not looking back? It's like that saying being "stuck between a rock and a hard place".

Thanks everybody.

- Isobel

OMG! Been there!!!

I know exactly what you're dealing with and it's utterly miserable. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

At least I had the advantage of being in a national organization so I'm still an active alumna while living thousands of miles away from my personal Psycho. Since you're a member of a local sorority, I would say stay and fight for it! Don't let her take something away from you that you obviously trully love.


That said, there's a right way and a wrong way to fight for it. You've gotten a lot of good advice. I made a lot of mistakes when I was going through this so I'll tell you what worked and what made things worse. Here's my 8 step plan to get you through this:

#1 - Stop the insanity. Like 33girl said, stop all communication with Psycho immediately! She can't be reasoned with and it will only make you more upset. Eventually, she will begin to personify your sorority; you don't want this. So try to decide right now that she no longer exists. (I know that's not easy but stick with me, there's more to the plan.)

#2 - Cleanse yourself (and your computer). When I first started having problems with my Psycho, I kept all my emails from her as proof that I could offer up in my defense. I started pleading with people to open their eyes and see the truth about her. It did NOT work.
The people who believe you don't need the proof. The ones against you aren't going to be convinced even if it's in black and white. I have no idea why but it just works that way.

What worked? Deleting the emails -- all of them. You have no idea how much better I felt once all remnants of Psycho were gone. They were useless anyway. Trust me.

#3 - Make amends, where possible. If there are sisters who are on the fence and think you might have said bad things about them behind their backs, go to them individually and very calmly tell them that what they heard was untrue. Apologize for the unpleasantness and for their hurt feelings (yes, even though it wasn't your fault). Do NOT go off about Psycho to them.

#4 - Stop pleading your case. When I was going through this, the more I tried to show people what was really going on, the more everyone thought that I was the psycho. I realized much too late that by participating in the drama I was making myself look worse and bringing the sorority down with me.

If you have ideas to share at the meeting, share them calmly. Again, like 33girl said, don't refer to Psycho's ideas. Don't argue against her publicly. This will be difficult but hang in there.

#5 - Keep your eyes on the prize. If Psycho has convinced people that her way is best then there's not much you can do to change their minds....yet. You might have to let mistakes be made. This can be heartbreaking, but eventually, they'll see that she was wrong. By then you'll be in a position to offer better suggestions.

Your goal is to maintain your ties with the sorority and see that it flourishes. You can only do this if you stay involved. Your suggestions might not be heeded right now but in the long run you'll win out if you keep a cool head.

If you try to fight Psycho publicly you'll only end up dividing the sorority. (In my own situation it got to be an all-out war. It was ugly and I'll always regret having played a part in those dark days.)

#6 - Maintain your dignity. We've all heard that actions speak louder than words and it's true. If you are a kind, reliable, honest, dedicated sister, they will eventually see that Psycho is lying about you. Don't let her insanity infect you. Present yourself in a mature manner at all times.

#7 - Allow some cooling off time. You do need to take care of yourself and taking some time off will be helpful. However, if you want to remain active in the sorority in the future, you'll need to set the stage for it.

There's drama going on right now. If you go to the meeting and argue with Psycho, divide the sorority, and carry on, then your future there is pretty much over. Even if you eventually went back, it would be, "oh no, the drama queen is back."

If, on the other hand, you go to the meeting and make amends, maintain your dignity, refrain from arguing with Psycho and dividing the sorority, then you can take your much-needed break. When you return, they'll be happy to see you.

#8 - Have faith in the future. Many have said it and it's true; if this girl is as psychotic as she sounds, others will eventually realize it. You don't have to do a thing but sit back and watch her self-destruct. There will come a time when she is no longer trusted or even welcomed.

My personal Psycho had become a national officer (which I think is what set her off on a huge power trip to begin with) and it absolutely killed me. I was certain she would destroy my sorority. Well, 2 years have passed and her name is no longer on the list of officers, she doesn't appear in pictures, she's virtually disappeared. I don't know for sure what's happened to her and I don't care to find out. I have to believe, though, that people started to catch on to what kind of person she really is and that was her downfall.


I hope you'll give all of this some thought. I know how hard it is especially since there is no quick-fix. Just hang in there. If you need to rant, please feel free to PM me.

I wish you all the best, Isobel.

Leslie Anne

[nittanyalum]

Wow, Leslie Anne, excellent, excellent, excellent post!!

I think she's just laid your path out for you, Isobel, I would take her reasoned, experienced advice and follow it as best you can. Above all, as has been said in numerous posts, keep your head and don't get dragged down to the psycho's level. The crazier she gets, the calmer you should get, it will (a) make her even crazier, and (b) let others see that you're the sane one. And remember that the best revenge is living well. Don't give this woman the power to doubt yourself or suck away your energy and positivity.

[icicle22]

Originally Posted by Leslie Anne

OMG! Been there!!!

I know exactly what you're dealing with and it's utterly miserable. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

At least I had the advantage of being in a national organization so I'm still an active alumna while living thousands of miles away from my personal Psycho. Since you're a member of a local sorority, I would say stay and fight for it! Don't let her take something away from you that you obviously trully love.


That said, there's a right way and a wrong way to fight for it. You've gotten a lot of good advice. I made a lot of mistakes when I was going through this so I'll tell you what worked and what made things worse. Here's my 8 step plan to get you through this:

#1 - Stop the insanity. Like 33girl said, stop all communication with Psycho immediately! She can't be reasoned with and it will only make you more upset. Eventually, she will begin to personify your sorority; you don't want this. So try to decide right now that she no longer exists. (I know that's not easy but stick with me, there's more to the plan.)

#2 - Cleanse yourself (and your computer). When I first started having problems with my Psycho, I kept all my emails from her as proof that I could offer up in my defense. I started pleading with people to open their eyes and see the truth about her. It did NOT work.
The people who believe you don't need the proof. The ones against you aren't going to be convinced even if it's in black and white. I have no idea why but it just works that way.

What worked? Deleting the emails -- all of them. You have no idea how much better I felt once all remnants of Psycho were gone. They were useless anyway. Trust me.

#3 - Make amends, where possible. If there are sisters who are on the fence and think you might have said bad things about them behind their backs, go to them individually and very calmly tell them that what they heard was untrue. Apologize for the unpleasantness and for their hurt feelings (yes, even though it wasn't your fault). Do NOT go off about Psycho to them.

#4 - Stop pleading your case. When I was going through this, the more I tried to show people what was really going on, the more everyone thought that I was the psycho. I realized much too late that by participating in the drama I was making myself look worse and bringing the sorority down with me.

If you have ideas to share at the meeting, share them calmly. Again, like 33girl said, don't refer to Psycho's ideas. Don't argue against her publicly. This will be difficult but hang in there.

#5 - Keep your eyes on the prize. If Psycho has convinced people that her way is best then there's not much you can do to change their minds....yet. You might have to let mistakes be made. This can be heartbreaking, but eventually, they'll see that she was wrong. By then you'll be in a position to offer better suggestions.

Your goal is to maintain your ties with the sorority and see that it flourishes. You can only do this if you stay involved. Your suggestions might not be heeded right now but in the long run you'll win out if you keep a cool head.

If you try to fight Psycho publicly you'll only end up dividing the sorority. (In my own situation it got to be an all-out war. It was ugly and I'll always regret having played a part in those dark days.)

#6 - Maintain your dignity. We've all heard that actions speak louder than words and it's true. If you are a kind, reliable, honest, dedicated sister, they will eventually see that Psycho is lying about you. Don't let her insanity infect you. Present yourself in a mature manner at all times.

#7 - Allow some cooling off time. You do need to take care of yourself and taking some time off will be helpful. However, if you want to remain active in the sorority in the future, you'll need to set the stage for it.

There's drama going on right now. If you go to the meeting and argue with Psycho, divide the sorority, and carry on, then your future there is pretty much over. Even if you eventually went back, it would be, "oh no, the drama queen is back."

If, on the other hand, you go to the meeting and make amends, maintain your dignity, refrain from arguing with Psycho and dividing the sorority, then you can take your much-needed break. When you return, they'll be happy to see you.

#8 - Have faith in the future. Many have said it and it's true; if this girl is as psychotic as she sounds, others will eventually realize it. You don't have to do a thing but sit back and watch her self-destruct. There will come a time when she is no longer trusted or even welcomed.

My personal Psycho had become a national officer (which I think is what set her off on a huge power trip to begin with) and it absolutely killed me. I was certain she would destroy my sorority. Well, 2 years have passed and her name is no longer on the list of officers, she doesn't appear in pictures, she's virtually disappeared. I don't know for sure what's happened to her and I don't care to find out. I have to believe, though, that people started to catch on to what kind of person she really is and that was her downfall.


I hope you'll give all of this some thought. I know how hard it is especially since there is no quick-fix. Just hang in there. If you need to rant, please feel free to PM me.

I wish you all the best, Isobel.

Leslie Anne

Excellent post!

[fantASTic]

Only one thing to add to Leslie Anne's post...

If you feel that at some time she may become violent or that you may need to take legal action [a restraining order, etc] against her, DO NOT delete the emails.

If you think that it will never happen, go ahead.

[couggirl]

Emails don't always work when trying to get a restraining order. I had a problem with this woman from church who decided she had some right to control my life. She would do crazy things like show up at mt place and yell profanities through the door. After a while she started to email me. I thought that I finally had some proff that she was mentally unstable, but noone (at least where I live) could have cared about the emails. now she was not threatening me. I just started deleating whatever she sent me and finally had to change my email and move.

What worked? She found me at my new place and did not like that i did not tell her where i moved to, since if she did not know where I lived she could not control me. Well, what finally got the police involved? HER!!! My roommates new the story behind this woman and when she started comming to my new place my roommies would be like Couggirl who? oh yeah she doesn't live here anymore. Then she finally called the police and reported to them that I had been sold into SEX Slavery by my roommies. The police came and so did she. She started yelling at the police officer that he had to make me see her. Police was like NO i don't, she is an adult and doesn't have to see you. Finally I got someone to listen to me and got a retraining order.

Moral of Story: Be strong and patient and this girl will cause problems in her own life, but it might take a while for others too see.

Sorry for the long story and i wish you the best of luck. Couggirl