Need tips to cope with family death...

[newbie]

I just found out that my grandpa passed away. I can't stop crying...and I just feel so sad... he suffered a great deal this past year (hooked up to machines, bed-ridden, not able to eat, not able to talk, etc.), so in a way, I am happy that he is now pain-free in heaven. But I just cannot take it...I keep on asking myself "Why did God let him die?" I was about to go to visit him too in July.

Even worse is that he and my mom's side of the family lives on an entirely different side of the world--in Asia. I've only seen him about 5 times in my lifetime--most recently about 3 years ago . I just feel so "cheated" that I didn't get to know him more, or spend more time with him.

I don't know how to cope with this--I have finals upcoming and all these papers due--but I am in no mood to study right now. I just don't know what to do--my mother was JUST flying to see him (just yesterday) and right now she is STILL on the plane and does not know of his passing. I just feel so sad for her...she could not see him once more. How do I help her cope, too? She was very close to her father...and I think this is going to be VERY hard on her...

Recently my grandma passed on, too...and my mother was on a plane waiting to go see her. Then my grandma passed on a few hours before my mother got to see her. Ironic, isn't? I love my mother so much--and I know that in a few hours she's gonna feel like the world has ended or something.

Any advice please. I just feel overwhelmed right now with everything. Is there a way to get through this, and to help my mother get through this...


[This message has been edited by newbie (edited May 26, 2001).]

[SilverTurtle]

Newbie-

I have been in similar situations more times than I would like to think about (friends, grandparents, great-gradnparents, even my brother )

Here's some basic advice, but feel free to email me if you want to talk or whatever.

It's okay to cry: to be sad, angry, upset, feel cheated, etc. Over time, those feelings subside, but every once in awhile they come back (even 5 or 10 years later). Remember, it's okay to feel that way, as long as you are also coping with it... dealing with it whatever way you can (spending time w/ friends, music, etc.)

Along those lines, you will find things to distract you. Which isn't always a bad thing. Throw yourself into studying for finals. You need something else to think about some of the times.

Balance is important.

Don't be afraid to remember your grandfather. Still tell the same stories, learn about him, etc. A big part of the healing process for me was accepting that even though the person was gone, they had still impacted me in several ways. And learning to appreciate that makes remembering them a lot easier.

I feel terrible for your mother... be there for her. If she needs to vent or cry or whatever, be there to hear her out. And if she takes some frustration out of you, try to keep it in perspective.

You can never replace a person or what they mean to you... but you can remember them for what they were and what they helped you become.

------------------
SilverTurtle@greekchat.com

Phi Beta Fraternity

Phi chapter

[newbie]

Hi Silverturtle--thanks so much for listening to me and offering me advice--I really appreciate it I am also very sorry that you have had to go through so much . You are a very strong person!

I don't know why, but I just can't stop crying. REcently, my grandma and uncle passed on, too, and those 2 deaths all happened in a span of 1 and a half week. I was overflooded with emotion--those were the first deaths that I ever "experienced." I was in my math Class--and I just exploded into tears. I could not explain it--all of a sudden, I was listening to the teacher, and then my mind got distractred, and I just started crying really hard. I ended up crying in all of my classes the rest of the day--my mind just kept on going back the deaths, especially my grandma's.

I just feel so guilty--b/c I had never gotten to really know my grandma. Right now--I also feel so guilty for not getting to know my Grandpa that well, either. Each time I went to visit my mom's side of family in Asia--I spent a lot of time with my baby cousins, and this aunt. I didn't spend that much time with my Grandpa, while my sister did. I realized last year after the passing of my Grandma how bad I was that I didn't spend enough time with her. So I VOWED, that the next time I were to visit my Grandpa--who was still living--that I would spend AS Much time as needed with him. Unfortunately--my chance never came .

I'm sorry to be so down--but I feel so helpless right now. My sister and I were supposedly his "favorites"--and I remember all the times where, when he was healthy back then, he would go down to the Market a few blocks away and get lots of wonderful delicacies for my sister and I. Then he would always watch us eat...I, back then, thought it was strange--but my mother told me it was b/c he loves his granddaughters so much. He would always ask us, "Are they good? Do you want any more?" I also remember how he was always so impatient (in a wonderful way). For example--when we were on the plane to go visit him, I heard that he would get up at 4 AM, since he was so excited for our arrival (my mother was his first, and possibly favorite child). He would pace around TWO HOURS before our plane arrival (!) waiting for us to arrive. It was just so sweet.

And I just don't know how my mother will handle it--she was so close with him...I don't know what to do!

Silverturtle--thanks so much for listening and offering me advice--it certainly helps to get it all out! unfortunately, all of my close friends are on vacation right now for the weekend, so i don't feel comfortable calling not-so-close friends for comfort, you know? Plus, my best friend (Theta-cutie here on GC) is in Spain for the whole summer.

GC is such a wonderful community, and I love you guys so much--I always feel better when I visit GC! i'm sorry to sound so mopey

Also--what do you all do to prevent emotional outbursts? I just know that I will have an outburst when I get back to school...here at home, it's fine b/c no one but my family is here to witness my nonstop tears.



[This message has been edited by newbie (edited May 26, 2001).]

[newbie]

Oh, I'm sorry for those lengthy posts--thanks for even reading them!

[KillarneyRose]

Oh Newbie, I am so sorry to hear of your grandfather's passing. I wish so much that there was something healing I could say to you to help you cope with this, but all I can do is tell you that you and your family are in my prayers.

Sincerely,
Tracy

My condolences to you and your family.

At the beginning of the month, my uncle lost his battle to cancer after a lenghty illness. This past Tuesday we buried him and it was very difficult. My biggest regret was not visiting him that often while he was in the hospital.

I had finals the week after he passed away, and I showed up looking like a mess to my exams. Though I didn't want to study at all, I knew that I needed to maintain my composure because I didn't want anyone (except for my closest friends and sisters) to know. It's okay to cry, but when those sad times come upon you, think of the suffering that your grandpa doesn't have to go through anymore.

One of the things that helped me get through preparations for the funeral was my family. They came by the plane loads from San Jose, and I hadn't seen many of them for years. It's sad that it takes a death to bring us all together again, but having the support of your family during this time is very important. I think everyone should be able to grieve alone and in their own way, being able to grieve together is important too. It always breaks my heart to see my mother cry, but usually I give her some private time to collect her thoughts. She and I aren't very close, but when her tears stop I let her know that I'm grieving too.

Car, this is a very important time in your life and I hope (I KNOW!) that you will have the strength to go through this. If ya ever need to vent, you know my email!

[33girl]

newbie-

My deepest sympathies, sweetie. The summer before my junior year of college, my grandma (expectedly) and my uncle (very unexpectedly) died 6 days apart. It's times like those you wonder what the big guy in the sky is thinking. But we all got through it.

The best advice I can give for you and your family is, get through it one day at a time. Our little human brains aren't built for concepts like "forever" and the best way to deal with it is to just get through that one day. Before you know it a week has passed, then a month. And you got through it.

Please email me if you want.

[newbie]

You guys--I am so grateful to you all who replied/wrote an email to me regarding this topic. You have no idea how much it means to me! This has been a very long, long day and it's terrific to be able to log on GC while doing a paper to see these really sweet, thoughtful responses .

My sister came home this afternoon and it was wonderful to just talk, cry, and remember the times we had with our Grandpa. She's also coming back home tomorrow too (she lives in a different city). I am so happy that I have a sister who I can turn to for support. I talked to my mother--and she is a wreck (no surprise there). I wrote my mother a letter which my uncle will deliver (he's flying back tonight to be with the family) to her. I told her how now my Grandpa and Grandma are finally back together in heaven and how he is no longer suffering.

I definitely feel a lot better than this afternnon (when I found out), but I outbursted many times. I just started crying really hard when I saw an elderly man toinight walk by outside and he was walking just like my Grandpa had (hands behind the back, slowly). I cried when I thought back to how he always watched my sister and I eat...how he was so happy when we were happy. I was listening to some music too--and everything reminded me of my Grandpa.

I keep on asking myself, “WHY would God do this to us, what did my grandpa do to deserve this?” He suffered for so long—but a year of insane hell, basically. Where he was fed through a tube, couldn’t talk, couldn’t go to the bathroom by his will, maybe couldn’t even recognize his family members... I guess right now I’m just plain angry that he had to go through so much, that it finally amounted to death. Though I did not know him as much as I would have liked to, he was somebody truly special. I just can’t understand it...and I’m seriously doubting if there is a God in heaven. Sad, I know. But I just can’t understand it...how sad it was that my mother, two times, was on the plane right before they passed on.

I know that supposedly everything happens for a reason--but now I'm seriously stumped as to why on earth would someone torture people as wonderful as my Grandpa and Mother like that.

I'm sorry for sounding so down...

Killarney--thanks so much for your kind wishes, it made me feel a lot better

OTW—thank you so much for your support in me…it’s time like this when I seriously doubt everything in the world... I’m known for being an optimist...but right now, that’s totally not me anymore. I am so glad that you were able to reunite with your family again—this year, I have finally realized how important my family is to me, and how I should give them more attention. I am really sorry that you lost your uncle—it’s certainly very difficult. I hope that you did well on your finals! Sadly, this always seems to happen to me right before a big test. For ex.: I lost my uncle the night before the PSAT. I walked into the test center looking like a wreck. Well, the SAT for me is this Saturday… thank you so much again Sandy for your reassuarance in me—I really hope that I can pull through! Really, I only have 6 crucial days left—I hope that I can do this.

33girl—yes, right now I am definitely thinking, “WHAT is He (up there in the sky) thinking?!” I am seriously doubting everything, even God Himself. I know—that sounds really bad, but this year has seen such a big string of bad events that I really don’t know what to think anymore. I am so sorry that you had to go through such hell in a matter of 6 days. When my uncle and grandma passed away—it was in a span of about 12/13 days. And that was bad—so I cannot imagine being put through so much in 6 days! Thanks again for your advice—I know it will get better—it’s just hard getting through today!

Thank you again to everyone who responded via GC or email--I am eternally grateful for this support!! It really does make a difference


[This message has been edited by newbie (edited May 27, 2001).]

[juniorgrrl]

Newbie,
I am so sorry to hear of your grandfather's death. 7 years ago, when I was 14, my own father died very suddenly of a massive heart attack one morning.

Two days later I auditioned for, and won the lead in a play. It kept me distracted. I went between being crying and happy, depressed and distracted...but I eventually got through it. And I know you will too. Just keep focused more than ever now. The harder life fights, the harder you should fight back.

The best advice I can give is to just keep busy and not let your world end (even if it feels like it has). Cry when you need to - don't leave it all bottled up. I know I did and it hurt me in the long run.

Maybe you could try writing a letter to your grandfather? I know the night before my dad's funeral, I wrote him a letter that we buried with him. I don't remember one word of what it said, but I know that at the time, it was very helpful.

We'll never know why things happen. It doesn't seem fair at all. The best we can all do is have faith that it was for a reason, and not become bitter.

Once again, I am so very sorry to hear of this. I know you'll pull through. All of us here on GC are thinking about you and are keeping you in our prayers

[newbie]

Thank you Juniorgrrl for your words of comfort! I am hoping that soon I can e-mail you (remember how we had talked about that long time ago? ). I realize that the world has not ended--but for some reason, more than ever (more than the previous 2 deaths that I "experienced"), I just feel soo, so bitter about everything. I realize that fate has its reasons, and what occurs is usually for the best, in the long run. But I just feel so mad that he had to suffer so much, and it all resulted in death. I know I should just accept it and move on--but it is so hard!

Also--my mother told me on the phone that I should put all I have into studying for the SATs (which is this Sat.) and my finals (which are Thurs. and Fri.)--and do well for my Grandpa. I know that basically I only need to study for 6 crucial days--but right now, I just don't feel like it at all. I know that I should do it for my Grandpa--but my mind feels like it's in a different place altogether! Could you give me tips on how to get it all together? That is simply awesome that you got the lead role--I am so proud of you!!! I think you are a very strong woman--it's amazing, at 14, that you were able to channel that anger/sadness into winning the lead role for your father.

I think I just might write that letter . Unfortunately--unless my father flies back, too--it will not get there in time for the funeral. Dad does not know yet if he can fly back or not (business), but I will write it anyway--and perhaps keep it in my diary . Thank you so much for the idea, Juniorgrrl...it just might be what I need to remember my grandpa permanently! (I am scared, that, overtime, I will not remember how he looked, how his voice sounded, etc.) Sadly, I don't remember how my grandma's voice sounded . Thank you again!

Also--thank you girls for letting me e-mail you...I just might next week, after all this finals/testing crap is over!

[This message has been edited by newbie (edited May 27, 2001).]

[SilverTurtle]

newbie- i just sent you an email (to the email in your profile).

------------------
SilverTurtle@greekchat.com

Phi Beta Fraternity

Phi chapter

[juniorgrrl]

I guess the best advice I can give for staying focused is to just be good to yourself. Treat yourself to something that makes you feel good. If you need to eat an entire box of cookies, then do it. Just don't make a habit of it

If you can just remember that in a few days, you will have time to take it all in and truly grieve and experience it, it will help. Don't feel like you have to do it all. Each day, set a small goal, whether its studying all your SAT vocabulary or something, and try to reach it. And then reward yourself.

Make sure you're eating well and getting enough sleep. Those two things can help you maintain a shred of sanity.

I know its hard to keep your mind from wandering and from being sad, but I guess this is a bit of a mind over matter situation.

If you can't attend the funeral, why not have a small memorial service of your own? Set aside an hour or so, and have your family talk about him.

Don't worry about forgetting him. You won't. My dad will be gone 7 years in June and I can still feel his hugs, hear his voice, I still remember his smell. Your grandfather will be forever alive in your heart. Yes, it sounds cheezy, but its true.

Good luck, girl. We're all pulling for you!

[lifesaver]

Newbie,

Oh, my dear. I am so sorry for your loss. I hate seeing one of my friends in pain. I know we don’t know each other that well, but I consider all of us here on GC friends, so I’d like to offer a few words of advise to hopefully ease some of the pain you are enduring right now.

Death sucks. Plain and simple. All of us have experienced it in one way or another, weither it be a grandparent, parent, spouse, sibling, friend or even a loved and cherished pet, we have all experienced a loss. If this is your first loss, it can be tough, but it is a signpost that you are becoming an adult. Part of being an adult is having to say goodbye to the people who raised you and have left this earth. It can be especially difficult when it is a family member, because not only are you loosing someone you loved, but someone who shares your life history, the essence of who you are. Now, armed with that understanding, a few points to ponder from things I have garnered from your postings, along with a few dashes of helpful advise.

First, this is the most important, (and this goes way beyond the death issue and it took me till I was 21 to figure this out) NEVER, I repeat never feel bad about your feelings. Feelings have no inherent value. Just like the sky has no inherent value, it just is. So is the same with feelings, they just are. So learn to never apologize for what or how you are feeling. The only bad feeling is the one suppressed and not expressed.

If you feel upset or bad, its ok, and go with the feeling. When my dad died when I was in HS, I suppressed all the feelings and never dealt with them. Three years later when a brother in the chapter was killed in a car wreck, it was that much more traumatic for me, because I was dealing not only with Chris’ death but my fathers as well. I can assure you if you do not deal with the feelings, they will not simply just go away.

Don’t suppress the outbursts. Who said you cant have them? After all you are not only grieving your grandfather, but the loss of the relationship as well. Who are they to tell you what is appropriate at this time and not. They’re not you. They don’t know your life. If you feel you are going to start crying in class, get up and go outside and sit there and cry. Your counselors can let your teachers know of your situation and they will be more than willing to understand. I can assure you HS is full of emotions, and you are not the first person to go through something traumatic at your school, so the administration should be pretty used to dealing with the emotional and sensitive issues of its students. Cry when you want. Scream when you want. Kick a wall if you want. No matter how your feelings manifest themselves, its way better than having them inside eating at you because they cant get out and you develop this weird relationship issue where you cant ever be alone because you have abandonment issues or something. (trust me baby, I’ve seen it all and it usually starts off by someone not dealing with intense emotional pain. I cant BEGIN to tell you how many of my friends or acquaintances have emotional skeletons in their closets because they didn’t deal with something like this, and it messed them up severe, so explore your emotions fully while you can, and the feelings are fresh.)

Who says you can’t question God? My mom used to feed me that crap too. Its a bunch of *hit from small minded people who’s limited intellect cant attempt to explain or understand the mystery of our creator, so instead they write it all off by this “dont question” crap. In fact, its been my understanding that god does not want a blind faith, but one tested by fire. I had a Presbyterian minister tell me one time at an interfaith breakfast that god would rather you explore, question, and evaluate his teachings and grace, and THEN hold THAT faith dear, versus accepting everything thats ever handed to you. ANY yahoo can swallow ideology that is spoon-fed to them. Barbara (aka penguintrax) once alluded to this in one of her posts, about how her temple was composed of a large number of converts, and it meant more because they chose to believe what they believe, instead of just accepting and not questioning their faith.)

Another thing to remember is that grief has no set timeframe. Nowhere does it say that you must complete your grieving by the funeral or anything. I had another brother die about a year ago and I was terrified to see him in the coffin. Someone explained to me that if I my belief system held that they were no longer on this earth, then why did I feel that I must be in physical proximity to the body to say goodbye. Ity was so true. there are any number of ways and times when someone can let go. Remembrance ceremonies with close friends, a song, a walk in a park, a journal entry, a good cry, whatever - the sky is the limit.

I also like what was said about keeping yourself busy. After a death I always end up looking fabulous, as I use the energy at the gym. Also, I like to read, particularly on the subject at hand. There are tons of great books on the subject of Death. Go to Borders and browse, that and the reading will prove extremely thereapudic.

I feel as if you might be letting the media and popular culture guilt you into lamenting the relationship you weren’t able to have with your grandfather because of distance issues. Pop culture has a way of making us feel guilty if our family or lives dont exactly reflect what others look like. Remember, many people, not just you dont/didnt get to see their grandparents on a regular basis. It was not your decision to live where you do. It was just circumstance that prevented you from knowing him better. More people don’t live near their grandparents than do, so your feelings are natural and well founded. From the stories you related, it sounds as if your grandfather loved you and your sister very much. CHERISH that. He gave you a gift which will last forever, the knowledge the he loved you and you were very dear to him. Too cool.

Understand that this is and will always be a landmark event in your life. Often in the future you will refer back to this place/time in your life. I encourage you to use it positively, as a source of strength; i.e., “If I can get through that, I KNOW I can get through this.”

That’s all I can think of to share right now. Remember, you are in charge of your grieving, no one else. Take ownership of it and move through it as it is most comfortable to YOU. You are in my prayers.


Take care,
lifesaver

[Rudey]

I'm really sorry newbie. I don't know if that means anything to you at this point, but it is in earnest. Death isn't the easiest thing for anyone to deal with. And I don't think there is anything that will immediately make you feel better.

Here is my take on it. There is a lot of randomness in this world. I've come to accept that some questions were never meant to be explained. I don't know who an innocent person passes on and a good family is in pain because of it. I don't know why there are horrible people out there that hurt others and get away with it. But I guess events like that make me re-evaluate my current position. If someone close to me passed on, I would hurt for a long time. But I would keep them close to my heart and I would make sure that they weren't just forgotten, ya know? I would make sure that I was even closer with my other family members just so I wouldn't miss out on anything important with them.

I don't think what anyone here says is going to help you feel all great. Just remember there are people to listen to you, whether here or at home. And the only cure for something this tragic is time. Feel better.

[newbie]

To all who responded--thank you SO very much! You have really no idea how much all of your kind thoughts and advice mean to me...they have totally been what I need to feel a whole lot better about life! I'm being entirely honest here!

Unfrotuantely, right now I don't have the time to reply individually to all who responded. I have 2 papers due tomorrow. But I just wanted to drop in by and say how much I appreciate your advice!!!!!!

Thankfully, I feel a LOT better. Of course, there have been times where all of a sudden I just break down and cry. I have also spent a lot of this weekend by myself, alone, so I can think about my Grandpa. While I am doing better, I still feel sad most of the day, but thankfully, it is nowhere as bad as it was the first few days.

I am so very, very grateful to all your responses! I don't know how to express it--just please know that I am eternally thankful to you guys! Especially Lifesaver, SilverTurtle, Juniorgrrl, Worriedsenior, Vera, Nick, and Rudey...your advice really hit home for me, really helped me feel better!!!! ALL the posters, though, really helped me feel a whole lot better. I thank all of you again for taking the time to write to me .

Rudey--though you said probably no matter what you guys say will not help me--that is exactly the opposite! I am so grateful that you guys responded to my post, because, and I'm being entirely truthful here--without your posts of support and advice, I would probably be as depressed as I was the first few days.
(I have not been in contact with my close friends this wkend, since they've all gone on vacation/gone to cheerleading/football/baseball camp for Memorial Day.)

You guys will probably never realize how much this has meant to me, but I hope you guys are proud of yourselves, (give yourselves a pat on the back or something ) b/c you took the time to support and write very meaningful advice to basically someone whom you have never met. Yet, your advice has sincerely, truly helped me heal faster. Many *hugs* to all of you...I am so glad that I am a GCer! You guys have proved to me that even an online community can be just as warm and supportive as your own little trusted circle of real-life friends, whom you confide in and tell secrets to.

I really hope that I can individually reply to your responses ASAP...but unfortunately I think I cannot reply as detailed as I would like until this weekend (finals, SATs). THANK YOU all again, I love you guys!!

Sorry to sound like such a sap, but this has made a HUGE difference, especially since this wkend I had no one to confide in but my family (as I said, many of my friends were out-of-town). Hopefully, soon I can be my normal self again.

P.S. I really hope that I can be there for each of you in the future like you guys have for me!!

[This message has been edited by newbie (edited May 29, 2001).]