Bid day "Mismatch"

[augreekmom]

Please excuse my inexperience with the whole recruitment process, I have a question or several regarding the whole bid procedure and what on earth to do if there seems to be a mismatch. My daughter went through rush at Auburn and received a bid to one of the 16 sororities.

From the general area where we live, there were probably 10 girls rushing, so my daughter was really excited about the process. She went in completely open to all the sororities. We looked at the website, did what it recommended. Got 1 rec. for each of the sororities that were recommended to her and thought we had done what we needed to do. Unfortunately, my daughter is only one of two girls in a family that is dominated by boys and there have been no female relatives to list for legacies. We had no real experience with the whole sorority "thing". We thought, "no problem". She is incredibly accomplished. It would take a page or more to list everything. Same old story I have read in other threads, pretty, popular and personality. She is an outstanding young lady academically, GPA 4.20, saludatorian in a academically impressive prep. school, more awards than room to list. She is an incredible athlete. multiple All-State, multiple State Champion, Player of the Year, Adidas All South winner (10 state region, 5 from state). Recruited by over 25 colleges for her sport, and on and on. Everything on her application should have said "athlete, academic achievement, leader". So on bid day, the sororities that she matched so well with, cut her. We realized after multiple discussions that we didn't know how to "play the game" as well as some of the others. My daughter received a bid from a sorority that had lovely young ladies that seemed from the beginning to love her. She liked them but knew they were not a good match for her, but she was so certain she would be placed with one of the other sororities that embraced athletics and spirituality and academic achievement and she felt she had meshed with so well, she wasn't worried. After all, her #1 told her "we love you and want you and hope you love us too". She placed #3 sorority on her pref. list certain she would receive a bid from one of her 1st or 2nd choices. On bid day she received a bid from sorority #3. She was devastated and after 10 minutes of crying and trying to understand what had happened, she decided to make the best of it, give this sorority a chance and hope for the best. Within 15 minutes of being received by her new sorority, there was talk of the parties, getting "trashed" the frat boys, inquiries about her party habits and such. She is not naive, she just isn't into the party scene. You can't get "trashed" all the time and accomplish what she has.

After several days of non-stop "bonding" the topic remains the same, the girls she has talked to "don't do sports". They do not "match" like the other girls she knows. She is going to try to see if she can make this work. If it doesn't, does she have any "real" options? I wished we had done more to secure multiple recs or whatever it took to have prevented this. Accomplishment, community standing, academics and achievement meant nothing apparently. My daughter is so upset about the way things turned out. The other girls that she knows are not having this experience in their new sororities. Most of them are not into partying either but have found girls that are like them in their sororities. My daughter wished she would have only listed her 2 real choices and just not received a bid.

I am not asking for sympathy, I should have learned more about how this recruitment process worked for her sake, I just need some practical suggestions or advice if any exist, after the fact.

[kathykd2005]

I sent you a private message.

[_Lisa_]

Originally Posted by AXiDGirl10

While I am sorry that she didn't get her top two choices, she did receive a bid. There are many others that cannot even say that and would be happy to have received a bid to any chapter. I believe all of the sororities at Auburn are great, and they all have something to offer. She will get from her experience what she puts into it.

This is all so true! Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the chapters at Auburn pretty large? Has she really met everyone in the chapter already & can say that none of them have the same interests?

[amanda6035]

Originally Posted by _Lisa_

This is all so true! Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the chapters at Auburn pretty large? Has she really met everyone in the chapter already & can say that none of them have the same interests?

Coming from a very small chapter, I cannot even comprehend what it must be like to have 150+ sisters. That's SO MANY GIRLS to talk to, to learn about, to form bonds with. You cant (and wont) be best friends with everybody in a chapter that size but you can most definitely find some friends that you value.

If she depledges, she has to wait a year to try again. And being an SEC school, chances of getting a bid as a sophomore is probably slim to none. Your daughter has approximately 5-8 weeks to decide if this chapter is the one for her. If, prior to initiation, she still doesnt feel the connection, then okay. But 1 1/2 days after bid day without HAVING the time to meet all of the new sisters, (and getting to know them) is really unfair to those sisters. If she didnt want to be in that chapter, she shouldnt have listed them on her preference card. But she did, so she *should* give them a chance. There were several girls who didnt get that option. There were several girls who didnt get a bid at all.

[augreekfan]

AUGREEKMOM, I sent you a private message.

[jwright25]

Originally Posted by augreekmom

She is going to try to see if she can make this work. If it doesn't, does she have any "real" options?

Everyone has suggested that she give it an honest try, and I agree. It sounds like she's planning on doing that. However, if it doesn't, her only option is to voluntarily remove herself from the group PRIOR to initiation. A lot of sororities initiate within a 6-8 week period, and since you have not identified her chapter, I'll just assume that hers does as well. She should know that nothing is final until she is initiated. Once she is, she may never join another NPC sorority through formal recruitment or COR.

Once she spends more time with her chapter sisters, she just might find that niche of scholar/athletes to bond with. They are out there somewhere (hopefully)!

On the off chance that she doesn't find them, and decides to leave, her only options for joining a sorority will be to go through formal recruitment again next fall or to join through continuous open recruitment (COR) next fall or the spring after that. She cannot pledge another sorority until Fall 2008. Sophomores have a VERY distinct disadvantage at Auburn during formal recruitment, so if she does that, she should make friends with sorority members - and LOTS of them. Even with that it will be difficult.

So those are her only options: stick with it and become a lifetime member of the current sorority or depledge and take her chances as an upperclassman next year. Whatever her decision is, it should be well thought out and not rash. And she shouldn't second-guess herself! Mismatches happen! I see them all the time. So while she is in the minority, she is not a rarity. It sounds like she has her head on straight and will make the right decision for her and her future. If after a few weeks she still isn't feeling right about it, don't go through with it. The sun will still come up the next day.

[LXA SE285]

[italic]Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the chapters at Auburn pretty large?[/italic]

Yep, all but one are between (I think) 150 and 200-something members.

[MaggieXi]

Is it considered a "Mismatch" if she listed her 3rd group on her pref card?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by MaggieXi

Is it considered a "Mismatch" if she listed her 3rd group on her pref card?

I think the OP is speaking emotionally, not literally.

augreekmom - I agree with everyone else who says that she needs to give it more than a couple days - there are so many women to meet! Even if they don't share her love of sports, they could turn out to be great friends who introduce her to new things, and vice versa.

Also re all the partying references, I may be completly off the mark here, but it's possible the chapter had/has a reputation for being too goody-goody and some of the girls are overcompensating with what they say. No chapter wants to be known as the drunks, but you don't want to be known as the milk and cookie chapter either.

[amanda6035]

Originally Posted by MaggieXi

Is it considered a "Mismatch" if she listed her 3rd group on her pref card?

Edit ^^^ What 33girl said. Yeah.

[LoveMyKeyKKG]

I agree that she should give it more of a chance and she will probably find that group of girls that is more of a fit for her. The party girls are the ones who are so vocal and up front so she might not have even met the girls who are more like her yet.

Do they still assign a "bid day buddy" (names vary) to the new girls? I know from my own experience that who your bid day buddy is plays a huge role in who you hang around with in the first couple of weeks. When I pledged I had a bid day buddy who I had never met and she and her close friends in the sorority were not really my type. It really made me question my decision.

But after a couple of weeks I got closer to the girl who eventually became my big sister and she and her group of close friends were the ones that fit me better and changed my whole experience within the sorority.

[ZTAngel]

Originally Posted by MaggieXi

Is it considered a "Mismatch" if she listed her 3rd group on her pref card?

I think so. Not everyone is enthusiastic about their 3rd choice. I remember when I uncomfortably bubbled in my 3rd choice on my pref scantron. My PX didn't tell me that I did not have to put a 3rd choice - in fact, my PX made it seem like it was mandatory. I knew that I would not have been happy if I had been placed with them. My 2nd choice I would have been happy with but definitely not my third. Looking back, I think that even if I had gotten my 3rd choice and gave it a shot for a few weeks, I don't think I ever would have felt like I fit in. Sometimes a 3rd choice (or even a 2nd choice) is a mismatch. That's why I wish more recruitment counselors would let their PNMs know that it's ok to "suicide". If you feel that you will only be happy in one group, than put that one group.

I say that your daughter give it a few weeks but if she still feels uncomfortable than by all means she should drop out before initiation.

[augreekmom]

Thanks so much for all the helpful and thoughtful advice. After talking with many from this board and others that have much more insight on this than I do, I understand that just getting a bid from a large SEC school was an accomplishment in itself. For whatever reason, the sorority where my daughter ended up had loved her from the beginning and let her know that every time she visited. She doesn't understand their attraction to her, especially since this is not a very athletically involved bunch, but she is already talking about forming an intramural team if she can find some girls that are willing. If not she will try to find other ways to participate in activities that she loves. She is trying very hard to shake off her disappointment and find the positive side in the way things have turned out.

My daughter has met most of her pledge class and so far has found one young lady that shares her views on the whole "party" issue that is willing to admit it to the group. She also played the same sport in high school. My daughter will continue to seek out other like minded girls and by no means will just bail without giving it a honest effort. She is very lucky in that she has a wonderful group of friends that have rallied around her and are encouraging her to stick it out and "let the dust settle" so she can see how things really are. On a positive note, she really loves the chapter colors and is pleased that they match her dorm room colors, lol. Thanks so much to everyone for all your encouragement and advice. I understand that if she can figure out a way around the drinking and frat party issues (she has a steady boyfriend), that the rewards of sorority life far outway the bad side.

AUGreekMom

[VSUGREEK]

Originally Posted by MaggieXi

Is it considered a "Mismatch" if she listed her 3rd group on her pref card?

I may be wrong but I don't think it's considered mismatched if the daughter got her 3rd choice. I went to a small school but I think it's the same anywhere. Even though the daughter got her 3rd choice she must have been on or close to sorority 3's top bid list. Mismatched means she wasn't on the top bid list on any of her choices and recieves no bids. Or that's how it used to be. I know CPH has implemented a new system over the last couple of years to cut down on mismatching. But personally I think that if you have stuck around until pref day they obviously like you and you obviously like them since you didn't cut them. So being disappointed won't help the situation. At my school we had a little saying after each rush when some sisters are disappointed that the rushee they wanted went a different sorority or if a rushee is a little unsure of themselves in the decision they made. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! Sometimes those rushees/sorority that you thought you wanted, turn out to be the ones you're glad you didn't get. And sometimes you find that the ones you're unsure about turn out to be the best thing for the chapter/you.

So to the mom or any mom for that matter, tell her to give a chance. Meet as many people as she can. I know with a chapter that's about 80 girls much less 150+ not every girl is the same. She'll meet someone she clicks with. Just give it time. My last year in my sorority I was still really getting to know girls. Not the where are you from type stuff, I mean really know them....deepest secrets, bridesmaids type stuff. So just give it a chance...sometimes people surprise you!

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Also re all the partying references, I may be completly off the mark here, but it's possible the chapter had/has a reputation for being too goody-goody and some of the girls are overcompensating with what they say. No chapter wants to be known as the drunks, but you don't want to be known as the milk and cookie chapter either.

Yes! I can think of a chapter on my campus who does this!