Etiquette dilemma

IrishLake · #1 12-01-2010, 06:23 PM

k_s... not about white or the "southern" way of doing things

I am wondering how I should approach this, if I decide to at all.

My husband’s brother (BiL) recently told my husband that he has bought an engagement ring and plans to propose to his live-in girlfriend. This is great news, because we really like her and her daughter, and we’re happy for them and for them to become a part of the family. However, I’m concerned about the timing and place BiL plans to propose to his GF.

Husband and BiL have a cousin getting married in Virginia the weekend before Christmas. Hub and I cannot go, but BiL and GF are going. BiL plans to propose to her the night before their cousins wedding. No one else in the family knows that The Ring has been bought, but GF knows, because she picked it out. I’ve always been taught that attention on a wedding day should be on the bride and groom (which is why you don’t wear white to a wedding, why you don’t propose to your girlfriend at the reception, etc.). If BiL proposes to GF the night before, in the hotel room, the same hotel that the bride and groom and all other out of town guests are staying at, the same hotel where the reception is after the church ceremony, everyone will know immediately on the day of the wedding as soon as she's seen wearing The Ring. Word will spread like wildfire. Supposedly The Ring is large (3.5 carats total) so it will be pretty noticable. While I think people will be happy and excited for them, I also think it will be taking away from the cousins’ special day.

Should I mind my own damn business? Is it bad etiquette on my part to say something? Or should I put a bug in BiLs ear that it might distract (detract?) from Cousins wedding day? The men in this family are not the type to think about this kind of stuff. When I said something to the Hub, even he was like "huh. Yeah, I guess when you look at it from that perspective..." but he refuses to be the one to say anything (spineless git). Note: BiL and GF go away for long weekends all the time, this particular weekend just happens to be handy for him.

Alumiyum · #2 12-01-2010, 06:29 PM

Technically, no, it's not your place to say something but I would want to, too. And I would REALLY want someone to say something if I were the bride. If he's someone you feel close enough to to bring it up, maybe just tell him you want to give him the woman's perspective on the day and time he's chosen. If he HAS to do it that weekend, maybe he could do it after the wedding? Find a nice pretty spot or stay over a day and do something romantic after the bride has had her day?

AOII Angel · #3 12-01-2010, 06:46 PM

I'd say something. He's your BIL. You can say it tactfully so that it doesn't come off as rude. I agree that men have a tendency not to see how timing of these things might not be appropriate. Not to mention, his GF deserves to have everyone oooh and ahhh over her ring and her new engagement rather than focus on someone else's happy day. Suggest sometime after the wedding...but not Christmas. That makes the ring a gift for future possible break ups (just saying since it's 3.5 carats!)

Kappamd · #4 12-01-2010, 07:14 PM

^^^Ditto AOII Alum.

Plus, I think it would be MORE romantic for him to propose after they've just shared in someone else's happy day. But that's me.

FSUZeta · #5 12-01-2010, 07:55 PM

he should either go ahead and propose now so that everyone gets the "congratulations" over with before the wedding or wait until they get home from the wedding. just come up with a tactful way to tell him that it would detract from the relatives wedding. he's a guy-it probably didn't occur to him that it would draw attention away from the bride and groom.

southbymidwest · #6 12-01-2010, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kappamd

^^^Ditto AOII Alum.

Plus, I think it would be MORE romantic for him to propose after they've just shared in someone else's happy day. But that's me.

Absolutely agree. No bride that I know wants to share the spotlight (and that is what would be happening if BIL proposed the night before the wedding) with another relative who has just become engaged. Not only that, he would soooo win if AFTER the wedding he told his GF that the cousin's wedding made him realize how much he loves her, and how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, blah blah blah. And she of course would WAL.

honeychile · #7 12-01-2010, 09:12 PM

If GF has the ring, he's as good as proposed anyhow. IrishLake, you shouldn't say anything, but your husband should tell his brother that he's committing a faux pas that will follow him the rest of his relationship with the family by proposing at anytime near the wedding.

Does the proposal have to be a big public splash? Why don't they get engaged in their own way, then there's a possibility that the bride & groom might actually want to propose a toast to the next couple up the aisle? At least it puts the ball in their court.

DrPhil · #8 12-01-2010, 09:16 PM

I don't see anything wrong with him proposing to her the night before the cousin's wedding. It's not as tacky as proposing to someone during the wedding reception (a la "The Best Man").

I say mind your own business. But if you insist on saying something, you can make it tongue-in-cheek like "uh oh that's definitely going to steal the show from...." If there's a point to be grasped, he's probably smart enough to grasp it. If your brother-in-law is anything like my friends, family, and me we would tell you to mind your own damn business if you said it anything other than tongue-in-cheek.

ETA: And it really doesn't have to steal the show from the cousin. If the family lets that happen, that's because the family sucks (

). The couple who is getting engaged can make this as personal and private as they want to and respectfully request that the family not get all hooplahha about it until after the wedding.

southbymidwest · #9 12-02-2010, 12:50 AM

Sorry, but a 3.5 carat engagement ring steals the show in many situations, even with non-sucky families. As in, "Did you see that rock on her hand? OMG, where did he get the money for that? Hang on, we have to toast the bride and groom..." Unless their last name is Rockefeller, Hearst, Getty, where a 3.5 ct ring would be cause for talk in different way! Of course, if he does go ahead and propose to her before the wedding, perhaps she could refrain from wearing it until they leave.

DrPhil · #10 12-02-2010, 12:56 AM

It doesn't make sense to not wear the engagement ring until after the wedding. And whether a 3.5 carat engagement ring is a scene stealer depends on the scene. Not everyone who isn't a Rockefeller, Hearst, or Getty would be so enamored by that.

33girl · #11 12-02-2010, 12:58 AM

Turn it around.

Impress on BiL that fiancee most likely wants the proposal to be something special (even if she has picked out the ring) with its own special time and place, not just blending into someone else's wedding.

If I was the fiancee to be in that situation, unless it was the wedding of someone who I was VERY VERY VERY extremely close to, I would be irked. I'm surmising the people whose wedding it is don't mean jack to her other than being her bf's cousin.

Alumiyum · #12 12-02-2010, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrPhil

It doesn't make sense to not wear the engagement ring until after the wedding. And whether a 3.5 carat engagement ring is a scene stealer depends on the scene. Not everyone who isn't a Rockefeller, Hearst, or Getty would be so enamored by that.

It doesn't have to be admiration to create a stir. Both the bride and future fiancee will be short changed if he does this right before the wedding, and the simple solution is to move the moment of proposal by a few hours.

AGDee · #13 12-02-2010, 08:27 AM

I think he should make sure he gets the garter, she gets the bouquet and he can propose on the spot after he puts the garter on her leg...

Just kidding

DrPhil · #14 12-02-2010, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

I think he should make sure he gets the garter, she gets the bouquet and he can propose on the spot after he puts the garter on her leg...

Just kidding

LOL. Similar things have happened.

Maybe he should wait until the newlyweds hop onto their unicorn and fly to the honeymoon. Surely they've had enough attention by then. And can you really steal the attention from a unicorn?!

Alumiyum · #15 12-02-2010, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I disagree and that goes to show that there are different ways to view the proposal and wedding thing. Not everyone sees proposals and weddings as life freezing events. I know how I'd handle this if it were my family and friends (I'd mind my own business because my family and I are never really really really excited over engagements and weddings) and IrishLake will figure out how to handle it for hers.

And what's up with the groom and future fiance`? Are they just chilling at a sports bar watching the game? Why do most people only care about the feelings and experiences of the bride (and future fiancee`)? That sucks.

Right, but as everyone's family is different your experience is not universal. I'm getting the feeling your experience isn't what IrishLake thinks her family's will be since she went to the trouble to ask. I personally do not get over excited about just about anything (and am not romantic or sentimental), and will not be having a big showstopping wedding, but I would be irritated if someone were to steal the weekend out from under me. I would feel the same were I proposed to there, since not only would I feel guilty about taking attention from the bride, I wouldn't be able to celebrate at all until the wedding was over.

ETA: The exception being if the proposal was by or to a close friend that would know me well enough to handle it well. If it were essentially a stranger...yes, I'd be irritated.