Investigating new love interests, privacy and you

[James]

I had wanted to do a thread similar to this before, but it was mostly going to be focused on people going through your stuff . . . Like you leave a new SO in your room and she rifles through your drawers/papers or something.

But after PM_mama's thread I thought this topic might be more interesting.

Ok here goes . . .

[James]

Interpretation of behavior is determined mostly by perspective.

So from the perspective of some people it makes perfect sense to use as many tools as they have at their disposal to "check" someone out.

Some of its to protect themselves, but I would wager that most of it is just a basic desire to "know" about another person they are interested in. Simple curiosity rationalized as a desire to protect themselves.

Kind of like skipping ahead in a story. Or skimming until you hit the good parts.

Some people will use more tools than others to go much farther. One person might ask around at work, or mutual friends. Another might search the internet. Another will run full credit checks and criminal backgrounds. I have heard of private investigators being hired.

Ok. So the person doing that stuff is obviously comfortable with invading someone's privacy to one degree or another.

But there are some acid tests.

Test number one is role reversal:

If you started dating someone and somewhere on the first through third date they told you that they had dug up information about you to check you out, at what level would you be uncomfortable?

*They had talked to people about you?
*They had searched a bunch of free sources on the internet about you?
*They drove by your house/work. Kind of followed you around.
*They had done a background search, credit search, probably paid?
*They hired professionals to search your background?

Test number 2 is disclosure:

In order for this to be cool so to speak, you have to be willing to tell your new interest within the first few dates, right after you did this, what you did and why. So they can judge it as part of who you are.

If you are unwilling to share, you know somewhere that there is something not quite right about your behavior.

Or . . . you believe that if this were something your future interest knew about you, she/he might judge you harshly and not want you. Which puts you in a wierd ethical situation.

Test number 3 is . . . being right:

You are right and she/he checks out wrong. It sort of justifies your paranoia and invasive behavior. Like in PM_Mama's case. Well she was right. He did turn out to have a fairly big secret and his behavior was "skectchy."

If you turn out to be wrong. It puts you in the wierd position of engaging in paranoid activity just to find out the person was who they said they were . . . which brings you back to test 2.

I just wanted to see what other greekchatters thought.

How far you would go to check others out. Or believe to be acceptable.

And to what level your new dates could go to check you out without you getting uncomfortable. Imagine them telling you by date number three.

[Scandia]

As a survivor of stalking, I will tell you that the first 3 are okay IF you keep them to yourself AND IF you did not do them extensively. The other two are just plain unacceptable and show obsession. They may be passable IF you are considering a serious relationship with someone- but otherwise NO. Especially if the person has told you that they want to be JUST FRIENDS.

[MTSUGURL]

My mother works for the DA and has run background checks on guys I've dated. The first time she did it she didnt' tell me she was going to do it. I told him about it,After that, there was a rush of my friends to set me up, and I went on no blind date without running one first. I always told them first - a couple thought I was kidding, but I reassured them that I wasn't. Mom would never tell me what was there, but would let me know only if there was something dangerous in their recent (last year or so) history. The main reason she does this is that I had once dated a guy that stole from me, my parents, and my grandmother, as well as doing several other horrible things during our relationship. I haven't run one in a couple of years.

[KSUViolet06]

The following are I think are okay:

*Talking to other people about the person. Of course you can't take everything that someone says about him as gospel, but if 5 people told you that he got arrested for a DUI two weeks ago downtown, then it's worth taking into account.

*Doing a Google/Yahoo/etc search on the person. Any of the info you will find there is public anyway. People have found out via Google that their significant others are paroled rapists or wanted fugitives, so I don't think there is anything "stalkerish" about making sure you aren't dating someone who is potentially dangerous.

Now the 3rd thing about driving by someone's work or home is not something I would do UNLESS I had a strong suspicion that he was a creepo. For example, if your significant other picks you up for date and his front seat has big dried blood stains and he has a bloody knife in the car along with some women's clothing, it's time to start asking some questions or doing some drive-by's of that abandoned mill in the woods where he told you he does "carpentry" for a living.

[RU OX Alum]

uh....i think i would just talk to her over coffee or dinner

i guess it would be kind of flattering if someone I'd known in the past looked me up online or whatever, or found me, but digging into my past or if it was some random person, that would be creepy

[AlethiaSi]

I have googled a few love interests... unless I knew them well beforehand from friends or whatever....
I think doing something like that isn't bad.... hopefully you find out what you need to know within the first few dates... not like anyone would actually admit the things that would be deemeds "scary" (i.e. a prior record) However, running a full background check or keeping a P.I. on retainer or something... is understandable if you've been scared before/ hand bad experiences but I don't think its necessary under normal circumstances....
I've been stalked before and its pretty scary sh*t though...

[OtterXO]

I think anything past googling someone/running a background check or talking to people who know the guy/girl is a little nuts. I would be totally creeped out if I just started dating a guy and found out he had driven by my house and/or "kind of followed me around".

[cheerfulgreek]

I've done googles on some guys I've dated. It's not something I make a habit though, unless I really like the guy, or if he just seems too perfect. I've never dated any problematic guys, maybe because I didn't take interest in them long enough to be able to see any potential dangerous problems. The only friend I had that seemed like a stalker was the one I was asking advice about on this site. Well, he turned out to be o.k. He still comes around, but not as much.

I wouldn't follow a guy around unless I was in a serious relationship with him, and I felt he was cheating on me.

I would definitely ask friends. They may not know everything about the guy, but I know they would know something.

I really don't think anything is wrong with doing a background check on a guy, because there are way too many freaks out there. You never can be too careful.

[Jimmy Choo]

These days you never can be too careful so a google search isn't unreasonable. Unless you are deeply involved with someone the P.I. and going by their house, etc. seems to me a step too far. But that's just me.