Am I too cynical?

[Munchkin03]

Have you ever gotten back with an ex (after weeks, months, or years) after realizing that that person was the One?

I've never been one to run after an ex, and I cannot think of any break-ups that mended themselves into long-term relationships or marriage other than people who marry their HS sweetheart after decades of being married to other people.

I have a hard time believing that on-and-off relationships can actually sustain themselves into healthy partnerships. I'm in a good, healthy, long-term relationship (6 years tomorrow!), but I realized that I'm far too cynical about others' relationships. So...can those sort of things actually work themselves out?

[AOII_LB93]

I guess it depends on a lot of factors. My husband and I broke up for a few months after almost 5 years of being together. Though we still talked, we were both seeing what we wanted. We got back together, about a month later we were engaged and we just got married in december. In college I had a bizarre relationship with a guy who wanted a lot more commitment and control...it was not good. I ended up studying abroad and having to break up with him over the phone because he wouldn't accept me breaking up with him before I left. That relationship was doomed from the start, and I was too immature to realize it at the beginning. Two relationships, two different stories.

I would say it has a lot to do with the people involved, the relationship, the maturity and commitment factors. Unfortunately that also means it's different for everyone and I can't actually give you a real answer, and that I can only speak from my own experience.

[CutiePie2000]

Originally posted by Munchkin03
I have a hard time believing that on-and-off relationships can actually sustain themselves into healthy partnerships.

Me either. I believe that once there is a "crack in the foundation" you might as well forget it.

[AchtungBaby80]

I guess it could work, but if you broke up with him/her...there must've been a reason, right?

[honeychile]

There have been some social psychologists (Dr. Joyce Brothers, for one) who think that, in any serious relationship, there will come the break up or attempted break up, just as a way of testing the waters of exactly how strong the relationship is. I can see the reasoning on both sides of the argument - but when someone says that "we've never fought, not even once," I question their veracity.

I really don't think you can yo-yo, though, and still have a strong foundation (to paraphrase CutiePie2000).

[GreekLetterGirl]

Ok I probably shouldn't be posting this, because I'm fresh out of a break up, but.....

me and my ex where just that. on and off, on and off, on and off, you get the picture. But once we got back together seriously, it was ok ............. for a while. then the problems we had resurfaced, some we worked thru, others we couldn't.

Looking back, there were so many deal breakers for me, but I didn't want to admit defeat with us breaking up.

So no, I think once there are cracks, the cracks are there to stay. you can patch a crack, but its' never as strong as the original foundation.

[Kevin]

Originally posted by CutiePie2000
Me either. I believe that once there is a "crack in the foundation" you might as well forget it.

You're assuming that cracks are permenant things and that they exist in the first place.

There are all kinds of factors that can lead to breakups -- many which can be corrected and worked through (e.g., decisions about where to live, what kind of work to do, do we start our own business or get jobs, etc.) in many cases if both are willing to comprimise, a middle ground can be reached, and all is well.

I think with adequate understanding and sacrifice that even big things like infidelity can be overcome. Whether or not to go through with that in my opinion should be something of a cost-benefit analysis. In other words, is it worth it?

There has to be effort on both sides, and absent that, you're best to cut your losses.

In short, CP, your statement is overly simplistic, I disagree.

[CutiePie2000]

http://www.gottman.com/

This is a guy who is a prof at UW in Seattle. He and his wife do research into relationships...what makes them last, what makes them go "kaput". They research things like communication breakdown, etc. blah blah blah.