Going To A Place That Reminds You of Your Ex

Buttonz · #1 12-16-2005, 02:30 PM

When do you know that your ready to go to a place that reminds you of your ex? What is the best way to handle people who can't understand that there are certain places that it's just to hard to go to?

33girl · #2 12-16-2005, 03:05 PM

If you tear up when you drive past the place or think about it, you shouldn't go in. Everyone's different as far as time line. Your friends should understand and not pressure you to go there. I would say when the overall memories of your ex get to the point where they're pleasant instead of hurtful you can go in.

Of course, this all depends on the size of the town you're in. If there are only 2 bars and you spent time at both of them and have lots of memories there you're pretty much SOL.

Rudey · #3 12-16-2005, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Buttonz
When do you know that your ready to go to a place that reminds you of your ex? What is the best way to handle people who can't understand that there are certain places that it's just to hard to go to?

Given that you talk about your ex in at least 95% of your posts on Greekchat, I recommend buying a bubble with no communication or exposure to the outside world to limit the pain.

-Rudey
--And anguish.

Buttonz · #4 12-16-2005, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rudey
Given that you talk about your ex in at least 95% of your posts on Greekchat, I recommend buying a bubble with no communication or exposure to the outside world to limit the pain.

-Rudey
--And anguish.

This would bother me...if I was asking for advice about my ex...but nope. My friend asked me how I feel about it cus of her issues with her ex....

James · #5 12-16-2005, 04:41 PM

Honestly, be a good friend and tell pal to never talk to her Ex again . . . I don't understand why friends encourage their friends to talk people once they break up with them. Its very self destructive.

Do you think they enable their friends to do it just for the drama?

As far as places that make you think of an EX . . go there when your EX is not going to be there. Go there several times just for a few minutes at a time. You will rapidly become desensitized.

IF you hide from it you give it more power.

WCUgirl · #6 12-16-2005, 04:43 PM

When it stops reminding you of your ex so much so that you're worried about going there....

christiangirl · #7 12-17-2005, 03:26 AM

Also depends on who you go with. It might desensitize you to go with some friends and create new memories to associate with the place so you can get over it faster, but it would probably take you a whoooooole lot longer to be ready to go there with another guy. Who knows, you might NEVER be ready for that, it'll just be one of those places you never set foot in again.

James · #8 12-17-2005, 04:13 AM

Are you people all insane?

How can you be phobic about a place for all eternity because you happened to hang out with one of your significant others there?

Like, you can't go back to school in the Fall because you broke up with your BF from school over the summer?

you can't sleep in your own bed because you used to boink your BF there?

Please people . . there are real tragedies in life, break-ups rarely qualify as one.

Quote:

Originally posted by christiangirl
Also depends on who you go with. It might desensitize you to go with some friends and create new memories to associate with the place so you can get over it faster, but it would probably take you a whoooooole lot longer to be ready to go there with another guy. Who knows, you might NEVER be ready for that, it'll just be one of those places you never set foot in again.

sugar and spice · #9 12-17-2005, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by James

As far as places that make you think of an EX . . go there when your EX is not going to be there. Go there several times just for a few minutes at a time. You will rapidly become desensitized.

IF you hide from it you give it more power.

I agree. After a few months, there should be no reason why you shouldn't be able to go to a place. You can either feel a little uncomfortable for a while, or you can live with an irrational fear for the rest of your life -- which is preferable?

Whenever one of my friends or I go through a particularly painful breakup, we have to go through what we refer to as "detox" -- taking places we associate with him, places we went with him, etc., and gradually bringing new positive memories to the table. If a restaurant reminds you of your ex, plan a girls' night at that same restaurant, dress up, have fun, get drinks -- it will probably feel a little weird for the first few minutes you're there, but by the end of the night you won't even care, and the next time you go you'll have far better memories to associate with it.

honeychile · #10 12-17-2005, 12:13 PM

Buttonz, if this is for you or your friend - or anyone else, for that matter, try this exercise: sit up straight in a backless chair, reach behind you, and feel that ridge that goes up & down your back. It's called a spine.

It has marvelous powers, one of which is the ability to do wild things like go to places that hurt, smile when it's the last thing you feel like doing, and saying, "NO!" to someone who wants to hurt you.

Everyone has a different pattern of mourning the loss of a relationship, but in one where the couple didn't live together or was married, and they are under 30, more than a month is excessive. So, unless this person wants to get a few dozen cats and go live with her parents, she needs to get out and do something with her life.

33girl · #11 12-17-2005, 01:41 PM

There are a few factors you need to take into consideration.

1) How big the town is, as I stated earlier. If I wanted to avoid for the rest of eternity Mr 33's favorite bars, I would have PLENTY of other places to drink.

2) Whether he and his friends still hang out there, and whether they're going to be jags if you walk in there. If you are going to go into a bar (when there are other options) and get nasty looks and comments, it's not worth putting yourself through it if there are other places to go.

Buttonz didn't really specify the situation, so I don't think you can just say "go in and get on with your life!" Everyone mourns differently, no matter the age or the state of the relationship (i.e. from dating to married). I would NEVER force a friend to go someplace that I don't particularly want to be just to "detox" her from it. What's the point?

PM_Mama00 · #12 12-17-2005, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by honeychile

Everyone has a different pattern of mourning the loss of a relationship.....

This comment is kinda hypocritical of the rest of your post. Every person gets over a significant other differently. It's not fair to tell someone that just because they were never married or lived with that person, that they should get over it in a month tops. Maybe you haven't been hurt that much before by someone who you weren't married to or lived with, but many of us girls on the boards have.

AchtungBaby80 · #13 12-17-2005, 02:45 PM

It's whenever you feel comfortable. But I've found that sometimes, in order to get to that point, you have to sort of rip off the Band-Aid, so to speak...and just go. After a few times it gets easier, especially if you're with other people and you stop associating it with your old flame.

honeychile · #14 12-17-2005, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by PM_Mama00
This comment is kinda hypocritical of the rest of your post. Every person gets over a significant other differently. It's not fair to tell someone that just because they were never married or lived with that person, that they should get over it in a month tops. Maybe you haven't been hurt that much before by someone who you weren't married to or lived with, but many of us girls on the boards have.

I'm sorry you feel that way, and maybe I should have said two months - but I can't see blowing your youth on sadness. I have learned a lot from my mistakes, and one of them is to put an unhappy value on something because of a bad relationship.

Just today, I saw this horrifying awful candy that comes from the state my exhusband was from and was forced to "enjoy" at a local store. I got to laugh hysterically at the thought that someone else is having to choke those things down, but I don't have to!!

In other words, it's a choice. What do you want, to avoid life because HE went here or there - or do you want to laugh at that, knowing that you're better than that?

wrigley · #15 12-18-2005, 12:25 AM

Buttonz if her friends can't handle the fact she isn't ready to go back to Bar X or the Heartbreak Cafe where she and Mr. FormerBF went, she can remind them how she was there for them when they had their breakups.

Time heals all wounds but not according to everyone's schedule.

I know this is easier said when it's not you going through it. But Mr. NewandImprovedBF isn't to be delivered to her door like a pizza. Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and step into life. I wish her the best of luck.