Another Wedding Etiquette Question

tunatartare · #1 09-13-2005, 05:18 PM

One of my friends from my youth group is getting married in two months. She's Orthodox Jewish and is a senior in college. (Buttonz, I think you probably know who I'm talking about.) I'm looking at her registry now, and my question is, how much are you supposed to spend on a wedding gift? I've known this girl for about 4 years, but we're not extremely close. Also, I'm still in college, as are most of the guests at her wedding probably, so I don't have a lot of money to spend on wedding gifts.

Lindz928 · #2 09-13-2005, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by KLPDaisy
One of my friends from my youth group is getting married in two months. She's Orthodox Jewish and is a senior in college. (Buttonz, I think you probably know who I'm talking about.) I'm looking at her registry now, and my question is, how much are you supposed to spend on a wedding gift? I've known this girl for about 4 years, but we're not extremely close. Also, I'm still in college, as are most of the guests at her wedding probably, so I don't have a lot of money to spend on wedding gifts.

Personal opinion..... Don't spend any more than you can afford. If you can only spend $20 on their gift, then that is all you should do. She knows you are still in college, I am SURE they will understand.

Surely they will care much more about you being there for their wedding than how much money you spend.

Also, a suggestion if they don't have registry items in your price range.... If you know other people who are going, you can get together and get them something nicer than you might be able to do on your own.

Does anyone think I am way off base here?

valkyrie · #3 09-13-2005, 05:29 PM

Spend what you're comfortable spending.

Seriously, what people spend on gifts varies wildly depending on income, relationship to the people getting married, location, and any number of other factors.

valkyrie · #4 09-13-2005, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lindz928
Does anyone think I am way off base here?

LOL, now that I've checked the OP's location -- I suspect that a $20 wedding gift in the NYC area would probably be frowned upon, but I'm not from there so I can't be sure. In Chicago, it would be (or I'm from a snotty family).

adpiucf · #5 09-13-2005, 05:32 PM

Spend no more than $50. If you have a group of friends go in together, spend between $75 and $100.

I'd recommend if you go it alone, get a gift card for an odd amount between $25 and $50-- maybe $35. Package it with a nice card and mail it to her ahead of the wedding. Then you're all done and don't have to feel the burden of bringing a gift to the wedding. If you get roped into attending a shower, you can weasel your way out of an expsensive gift by presenting the bride with a gaggle of inexpensive general kitchen utensils (corn-cob holders, wine charms, etc.) or you can make a "Newlywed's Night In" basket inexpensively with a Blockbuster gift card and some (kosher) munchies. Or give a giftcard in a smaller denomination (like $25) and a bouquet of flowers.

We women really get burned with gift giving for these weddings.... How many gifts do I have to give for every engagement party, shower, group shower, brunch, luncheon and wedding? It's crazy!

If I ever marry, I plan to elope.

Lindz928 · #6 09-13-2005, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
LOL, now that I've checked the OP's location -- I suspect that a $20 wedding gift in the NYC area would probably be frowned upon, but I'm not from there so I can't be sure. In Chicago, it would be (or I'm from a snotty family).

Yeah, I never think of location. Down here, it wouldn't be looked down upon unless it IS a snotty family. Haha.

EEKappa · #7 09-13-2005, 05:37 PM

One of the most thoughtful wedding gifts I received was from a friend of dh's. She took some photos at the rehearsal and the wedding, and put them in a collage frame along with the wedding invitation. It's much more special to me than any of the kabillion picture frames, candlesticks, or chip n' dip trays we received.

KSig RC · #8 09-13-2005, 05:44 PM

The usual etiquette ties the amount you should spend to the amount being spent on you for your spot at the reception - ie if the 'cost per plate' is extremely high for one particular wedding, you'd be expected to give a nicer gift.

I think that your personal ability to spend would trump all of these concerns, but not everyone is as forgiving as me.

winnieb · #9 09-13-2005, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lindz928
Personal opinion..... Don't spend any more than you can afford. If you can only spend $20 on their gift, then that is all you should do. She knows you are still in college, I am SURE they will understand. Surely they will care much more about you being there for their wedding than how much money you spend.

Also, a suggestion if they don't have registry items in your price range.... If you know other people who are going, you can get together and get them something nicer than you might be able to do on your own.

Does anyone think I am way off base here?

I think you are right on track, though as mentioned I would adjust the amount to match the area.

But I can say, years after getting married I don't remember who bought what. I don't care who bought me what- I know who was there and who wasn't there though!

JenMarie · #10 09-13-2005, 08:17 PM

A wedding gift for another person shouldn't cause a hardship, so don't spend more than you can afford obviously.

Typically, good friends get a gift around $50-$75... but this is if you have it just lying around.

Just remember, giving a wedding gift is completely optional. The fact that you are going to her wedding should be all that's expected... (in a perfect world

)

I would go in on something with someone else if you can.

#11 09-13-2005, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by KSig RC
The usual etiquette ties the amount you should spend to the amount being spent on you for your spot at the reception - ie if the 'cost per plate' is extremely high for one particular wedding, you'd be expected to give a nicer gift.

I think that your personal ability to spend would trump all of these concerns, but not everyone is as forgiving as me.

Absolutely. For example, if they're serving rumaki and mozzarella sticks only for dinner, then anvil loppers and plastic sawhorses are appropriate.

KSigkid · #12 09-13-2005, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by KSig RC
The usual etiquette ties the amount you should spend to the amount being spent on you for your spot at the reception - ie if the 'cost per plate' is extremely high for one particular wedding, you'd be expected to give a nicer gift.

I think that your personal ability to spend would trump all of these concerns, but not everyone is as forgiving as me.

Definitely - you never should go beyond your means, and if the couple doesn't understand that, then that's their problem.

On the other hand, as was noted, if they're serving burgers and it's BYOB, don't feel like you have to spend much at all on the gift.

honeychile · #13 09-13-2005, 11:00 PM

I have always been told that the concept of giving a wedding gift that equals the cost of one's dinner is a huge faux pas. However, in looking at Emily Post Institute online, she says otherwise:

"How much should I spend?
There is no rule, so it is entirely up to you. Let your affection for the bride and groom and your budget be your guide."

Just in case you were worried about it!

ladypi · #14 09-14-2005, 04:08 PM

Ok here's an addon to the original question....

I am a bridesmaid for an old friend in a few months. I earn a modest living as do most people just out of college. I have already spent 300 dollars on my dress, 100 on my shoes, was forced into 100 for the shower gift by the mother (I had planned to spend 50), 300 for my plane ticket, 150ish to rent a car for the weekend, in addition to a variety of other expenses like parking at the airport and putting my dog in the kennel.

So let's see
300
100
100
300
150
+??
= 950 dollars (almost one whole paycheck)

I know this all comes along with the honor of being asked to be a bridesmaid so don't bash me for that one.... but I just wasn't expecting at 300 dollar dress and 100 dollar shoes.

So my question... before I head into the poor house or have to give up my beautiful new car that I have worked so hard for...

What do you think is the appropriate amount for a bridesmaid to give?????

Peaches-n-Cream · #15 09-14-2005, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ladypi
Ok here's an addon to the original question....

I am a bridesmaid for an old friend in a few months. I earn a modest living as do most people just out of college. I have already spent 300 dollars on my dress, 100 on my shoes, was forced into 100 for the shower gift by the mother (I had planned to spend 50), 300 for my plane ticket, 150ish to rent a car for the weekend, in addition to a variety of other expenses like parking at the airport and putting my dog in the kennel.

So let's see
300
100
100
300
150
+??
= 950 dollars (almost one whole paycheck)

I know this all comes along with the honor of being asked to be a bridesmaid so don't bash me for that one.... but I just wasn't expecting at 300 dollar dress and 100 dollar shoes.

So my question... before I head into the poor house or have to give up my beautiful new car that I have worked so hard for...

What do you think is the appropriate amount for a bridesmaid to give?????

I am in a similar boat except I don't have to buy an airplane ticket or rent a car. I do have to throw a shower at an expensive restaurant. The shower has become a mini-wedding. I had to cut the guest list to a more manageable number, and now she is mad at us for excluding her friends. I don't think she realizes or even cares how expensive it is. It's like I am investing in her future instead of mine. I have already dipped into my wedding fund for this. I'm trying to enjoy this, but I can't wait until it's over.

As far as a wedding gift is concerned, my fiancé asked me what are we giving the couple. I said that I wasn't sure so he suggested $500. I nearly choked. I feel like making a donation in their names to the Human Fund.