I need help

ilovemyglo · #1 08-18-2005, 08:54 PM

Thanks!

valkyrie · #2 08-18-2005, 10:30 PM

My first reaction is to say run like hell. However, because you really like him, here is my suggestion -- change your email passwords. Be completely honest with him about everything and let him decide how to react to it or whether it is trivial. Think of it as a fresh start for both of you. Then see what happens.

AchtungBaby80 · #3 08-18-2005, 10:33 PM

It sounds like one of those damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't situations. He probably would've gotten mad anyway had you told him the truth at the time, and I personally would have done the same as you--if nothing happened, there was really no need to tell him and plant the idea that maybe he did have a reason to worry. Why is he so mad, anyway? Does he think you're not telling him the truth about nothing happening with these other guys? From my perspective, your boyfriend comes off as very insecure and I'm not sure that that's something I'd want to deal with. I don't know either of you so I can't really say whether you should forget him or not, because you all may click really well and things may be hunky-dory except for this little situation. All I'm saying is be careful...I dated a guy once who liked checking my email, but he didn't stop there--he actually wrote to the people I was getting emails from to see if I was "behaving." It turns out he had deeper issues that I couldn't help him with, but it may not be the same case with your guy. The first thing that comes to mind is to have a serious talk with him so that both of you can air your insecurities and hopefully get past that. I don't know...does anybody else have any good ideas?

WCUgirl · #4 08-18-2005, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ilovemyglo
...even he said "you know these are stupid things, if you had told me I wouldn't have cared" ...

Do you know how many times guys say this? That's just it -- you didn't tell him, so he really has no way of knowing how he would have reacted. In my experience, the guy says this, and then when you DO tell him up front he still gets all pissy about it.

I say forget him. This is a nice setup for a long and drawn-out crappy ending. Make a clean break while you can.

James · #5 08-18-2005, 11:04 PM

Take him somewhere different than you normally would go and just lay it out.

Have sex with him.

Tell him:

You love him and adore him.

You are sorry he is hurt.

The relationships you had while you were "Dating" shouldn't be held against you.

That looking back you shouldn't have had that guy crash on your couch cause it looks bad.

You won't do that again.

Then you should tell him:

Never check your email again. (say it in a scary whisper)

You love and adore him.

Then have sex with him again.

And then see what happens.

The mistake a lot of people make is that they talk things out too much. You will either make your point very quickly. . or not at all.

valkyrie · #6 08-19-2005, 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by AchtungBaby80
It sounds like one of those damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't situations. He probably would've gotten mad anyway had you told him the truth at the time, and I personally would have done the same as you--if nothing happened, there was really no need to tell him and plant the idea that maybe he did have a reason to worry.

I understand what you're saying, but I disagree. I think that in a relationship, omitting facts like this is very close to lying, sort of "lying-lite" or something. I mean this only in terms of the stuff that has happened AFTER the relationship became exclusive. Before that, there is no reason to tell him anything, and he is out of line to be upset about that. However, at the same time, I can imagine how he feels -- like OMG she didn't tell me when she was hangin' with dude from NY and now she didn't tell me this... I'm not saying he's RIGHT, but I can understand why he would be bothered. Of course that doesn't excuse the snooping, but still.

wrigley · #7 08-19-2005, 12:38 AM

I agree that anything before the month "exclusivity" should be a non-issue.You weren't being stupid you were just being yourself. He says he never dated anyone per se during that time. Do you seriously think he'd tell you about any random hookups he may have had while you were out of town?

It sounds like he was waiting for you to do something so he could throw it in your face. If he wanted to be above board he would have said something in April. He has his flaws too. If he accessed you email account , I'd be concerned about any other personal information such as bank accounts.

ilovemyglo · #8 08-19-2005, 07:17 AM

Oh he made me change my password.. that is a non issue. The weird thing is I really don't care that he was checking my email... he can know EVERYTHING in my life.

I gues I forgot to mention- we have a long distance relationship- I live in Louisville, he lives in Cincy. So I only get to see him on weekends.
And for whomever said to worry about bank issues- hahah! He makes four times my salary and gave me his debit card and PIN number so I dont care if he knows my routing and account number,, he's not touiching it!

Rudey · #9 08-19-2005, 12:43 PM

Well obviously if it was nothing you wouldn't have had a problem telling him.

Just tell him that you can't change the past but can do more for what happens now and in the future. Be ready to say what that is...

Guys like logic and results. Girls like emotion and constant circles that produce nothing.

-Rudey

ilovemyglo · #10 08-19-2005, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rudey
Well obviously if it was nothing you wouldn't have had a problem telling him.

-Rudey

It really wasn't anything- but I think I am conditioned from a past relationship where if I hung out with my guy friends (even the married ones) and I told the last guy I was serious with he flipped out, called me a whore, or accussed me of sleeping with them.

Sometimes it is just easier not to mention something because 1. there is nothing to really say and 2. it will keep from having an unneccessary conflict.
At least that WAS my thought..
Now I know I would tell him anything and everything, no question about that.

cashmoney · #11 08-19-2005, 05:04 PM

Let this be noted to HotDamnImaPhiMu.....I'm not the only guy out there who checks his girl's email nor are my friends.

damasa · #12 08-19-2005, 05:06 PM

Playa playa, just be honest with the young lad. If you want to be with him let him know that. The past is the past, you can't change it. If nothing happened with other said dudes he should be able to get over it.

Skeet skeet.

Lindz928 · #13 08-19-2005, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ilovemyglo
Oh he made me change my password.. that is a non issue. The weird thing is I really don't care that he was checking my email... he can know EVERYTHING in my life.

My ADVICE (read- personal opinion): RUN!!!

Whether there is something to hide or not is NOT an issue here. You SHOULD care that he is checking your e-mail!!! How would HE react if you did that to him? I'm sure he would be pissed.

This actually did happen with an ex of mine. We loved each other very much, but it just caused a rift in the relationship that was impossible to mend. And after the breakup I realized that he is a jealous nutcase.

I would say to do what you FEEL is right in your heart, but don't try to fool yourself. If your gut reaction is that HE won't ever forget about it (there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting) and if YOU won't ever be able to stop thinking about HIS violation of your privacy.... then end it before you get in too deep and get your heart broken even worse.

Yes, he CAN know everything in your life- but it should be you telling him, not him going behind your back. You are making excuses for why it is ok that he did that. I'm sorry, but no matter what you did (and yeah it sounds like you did somethings you should have told him about) he has NO RIGHT to go through your private property. I know what that violation feels like and it is not something that is easy to get over.

christiangirl · #14 08-20-2005, 02:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lindz928
Whether there is something to hide or not is NOT an issue here. You SHOULD care that he is checking your e-mail!!! How would HE react if you did that to him? I'm sure he would be pissed.

I agree. If you don't care what he knows, you should care how he found out. That was a totally invasion of privacy and if he doesn't respect your sense of privacy, what else will he disrespect as the relationship goes on? I don't think you should run, but you should take a step back until you guys work stuff out individually. You should be able to be completely honest with him (and learn to steer clear of things you'll feel the need to lie about). And it doensn't matter where his issues came from, he's got them and he needs to deal with them before HIS issues become YOUR issues. That's my $ .02.

James · #15 08-20-2005, 02:30 PM

But . . . he was right.

He had a gut feeling she was deceiving him and she was.

He had a gut feeling she was hanging out with guys in a way that he wouldn't like, and she was.

Does that chnage anything?

However, he definitely shouldn't have been looking through her email. I don't think i would "want" to get past that. The key word is "Want."

Thats a serious issue and I wouldn't want to let it go and move on with that person.

However, her behavior brings up trust issues and I am not sure I would want to go past those either. Even though nothing really happened, it looks bad, and a lot of trust is appearance.

Remember its even more important to appear trustworthy, than it is to be trustworthy, in order to have a stable relationship.

Also, you girls are big on saying she didn't do anything wrong really . . . but most girls I know would be a little ballistic if their BF let some girl that was crushing on them stay drunk on his couch and didn't even mention it.

Or if the boy was hanging out a lot with other girls or Ex-girlfriends and partying and getting drunk with them.

In fact that stuff would bother most girls i know even more than boys. Especially ommissions, something boys are famous for doing.

Quote:

Originally posted by Lindz928
My ADVICE (read- personal opinion): RUN!!!

Whether there is something to hide or not is NOT an issue here. You SHOULD care that he is checking your e-mail!!! How would HE react if you did that to him? I'm sure he would be pissed.

This actually did happen with an ex of mine. We loved each other very much, but it just caused a rift in the relationship that was impossible to mend. And after the breakup I realized that he is a jealous nutcase.

I would say to do what you FEEL is right in your heart, but don't try to fool yourself. If your gut reaction is that HE won't ever forget about it (there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting) and if YOU won't ever be able to stop thinking about HIS violation of your privacy.... then end it before you get in too deep and get your heart broken even worse.

Yes, he CAN know everything in your life- but it should be you telling him, not him going behind your back. You are making excuses for why it is ok that he did that. I'm sorry, but no matter what you did (and yeah it sounds like you did somethings you should have told him about) he has NO RIGHT to go through your private property. I know what that violation feels like and it is not something that is easy to get over.