How long should you be "talking?"

WVU alpha phi · #1 01-31-2005, 03:36 PM

OK here's my scenario and I'm pretty much clueless as to what this guy (I'll call him John) is thinking.

I met John back in the fall when he took me to his date party randomly - he just asked me at a bar one night after seeing me up at his house during fraternity rush. I went to his date party and had an awesome time, but I had a boyfriend at the time so nothing really came of it. We traded calls fall semester for awhile like "what are you up to tonight?" type calls but never really hung out again except when I'd run into him out at night.
This semester I'm single and we started hanging out my first week back at school. We hooked up (only made out) one night and he spent the night, and since then we've been hanging out all the time. He always says he likes me but I get mixed signals from him. He took me out to dinner once and I think that was only because I made a comment about how we never hang out in public or anything. We sleep at eachother's places all the time and we've established that we're "talking."
This past weekend he took me to another one of his date parties, and while we were there I drunkenly told him I wanted to be with him, which I definitely do. He said he really liked me but didn't want to force anything and he doesn't want a girlfriend, so we left it at that for the night.
Then last night I was all tired and kinda picked a fight about it. I told him I felt like he was saying I wasn't good enough to be his girlfriend. He always says how much he likes me, and if you like someone, why wouldn't you want to be with them? He said we don't need any labels and why couldn't I just be happy with hanging out and hooking up and knowing we both like eachother? I said I didn't want to waste my time if he wasn't looking for a girlfriend and I wasn't sure if we should keep hanging out, and he got really pissed. We ultimately just left it as we'd take things day by day, which I'm not 100% happy with but whatever. This morning he was like, "Please don't ever pull that again, don't be gay about things with us, I like you and don't want to lose you." THEN he told me that at his date party, he knew he wanted to be with me, but he didn't want to say anything while we were drunk. And he said I pushed our relationship back with that talk and now he isn't so sure.
Did I blow my chances and make him think I'm psycho?? How do I play my cards from here on out? I like him a lot but is he just stringing me along?

Sorry this post is so long.. I always get myself into complicated situations!

Rudey · #2 01-31-2005, 04:17 PM

I'm gonna put a couple things out there:

1) I didn't read what you had to write. It would probably bore me a lot and also I hate really long posts that don't space things out.

2) None of this stuff matters. He's probably just trying to hit it and you just want a relationship, and if it's not him for you, and if it's not you for him, then it's someone else.

So I don't know what the problem is but I think I solved it.

-Rudey
--Yup, I did done that.

sugar and spice · #3 01-31-2005, 04:20 PM

He's just not that into you.

(I'm never going to get sick of telling people that.)

It's not that tough, though. If he wanted to date you, he would already be dating you. He pulls that "I was going to ask you to go out with me but now you blew it" isht because he knows it'll keep you around waiting for him to decide to date you, and while you're waiting he gets to hook up with you. What you have to decide is if you would rather have a physical relationship with him, knowing that you have a 90 percent chance that he will never make it official . . . or if you would rather cut your losses and move on to somebody who's willing to make that commitment.

WCUgirl · #4 01-31-2005, 04:22 PM

What fraternity is he in? I bet I know!

All the boys in one particular fraternity at my undergrad all acted that exact same way.

Anyways, I think he's just trying to have his cake and eat it too. Forget him and find someone who will appreciate you.

WVU alpha phi · #5 01-31-2005, 04:32 PM

Damnit, you guys just confirmed my suspicions.

CUGreekgirl · #6 01-31-2005, 04:34 PM

Quote:

None of this stuff matters. He's probably just trying to hit it and you just want a relationship, and if it's not him for you, and if it's not you for him, then it's someone else.

Truer words have never been spoken. I know from experiece. I recommend reading "he's just not that into you". It did wonders for me. Sure I still make a few retarded mistakes every know and then, but overall it has really given me a new perspective on relationships.

dgfromtx · #7 01-31-2005, 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sugar and spice
He's just not that into you.

A book every woman should read.

BobbyTheDon · #8 01-31-2005, 05:01 PM

so in essence let me tell you what he did to you.

he doesnt want to be with you, but he manipulated you into believe that YOU blew it. so now you still like him and will always wonder what the hell you did. and you will continue to hook up with him.

this is a trick only Jedi pimps can pull off.

this trick works. trust me. I use it on Rudeys mother all the time.

-Bobby
-- Yeah bitch, I'm doing this.

sugar and spice · #9 01-31-2005, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BobbyTheDon

this is a trick only Jedi pimps can pull off.

Damn, I used to be such a jedi pimp back in the day.

RUgreek · #10 01-31-2005, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BobbyTheDon
he manipulated you into believe that YOU blew it.

Yea, I agree. He pulled the 180 because you had the courage to bring it up to him. Guys and girls do this to avoid responsibility for the other's feelings.

Honestly though, you knew the answer before you asked. No guy is going to be forced into a relationship and if he was looking for one, he would have asked you. You're just a booty-call, plain and simple. My advice is to go with the flow and enjoy hanging out or cut ties and find your boyfriend.

Take a step back and look at the drama that has unfolded. If this is how the two of you get along before a relationship starts, how much better do you think it will be if you do end up dating? This is not a match made in heaven, sorry for my bluntness.

RUgreek

AGDee · #11 02-01-2005, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by sugar and spice
He's just not that into you.

That was my immediate reaction upon reading the original post and I am bummed out that ya'll beat me to it.

Dee

_Lisa_ · #12 02-01-2005, 09:50 AM

I would say the same thing about him just not being into you if I hadn't been in a similar situation. My current boyfriend & I were "talking" (friends with benefits) almost continuously for a year & then I told him that I wanted to be just friends & he practically begged me to be his girlfriend, confessed his love for me, etc. I never thought that day would come & I was emotionally unprepared for it-but for a whole year he always told me that he liked me but didn't want a girlfriend.

KSigkid · #13 02-01-2005, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BobbyTheDon
so in essence let me tell you what he did to you.

he doesnt want to be with you, but he manipulated you into believe that YOU blew it. so now you still like him and will always wonder what the hell you did. and you will continue to hook up with him.

Exactly...it happens a lot, and it looks like that's what's happened here.

Also - what does it mean when people are "talking?" That sounds a whole lot like negotiating, and I don't feel like there should be "negotiating" or "talking" before going into a relationship. It should just happen. Maybe that's just me though.

XOMichelle · #14 02-01-2005, 12:41 PM

I don't know, you guys could just be dating. Does anyone simply date anymore?

I'm in a situation like that right now. I'm dating a boy. We hook up, we hang out, we go on dates. I like him, I’m exclusive, but I'm not his girlfriend. I'd probably freak out if he called me his girlfriend -- just like your guy did. I mean, I might become his girlfriend (or not since I'm moving across the country in 6 months), but the point is that I'm not shutting out the possibility, I just don't want the boyfriend/girlfriend terminology and commitment rearing it's ugly head right this second. Clearly, you aren't cool with the arrangement you have, so you should go find someone who wants a girlfriend.

In the future, make boys take you on dates. Real dates. Suggest dinner, movie or a play on campus. Be so busy that you can’t hang out whenever they want you to. Make them schedule a real event to get on your calendar.

James · #15 02-01-2005, 12:59 PM

Don't give advice like this. It makes dating cost us a lot more money and forces to invest a lot more time and effort into it . . .

We like it easy . . ..

Quote:

Originally posted by XOMichelle

In the future, make boys take you on dates. Real dates. Suggest dinner, movie or a play on campus. Be so busy that you can’t hang out whenever they want you to. Make them schedule a real event to get on your calendar.