This Week in the Stars

[IowaStatePhiPsi]

Aries (March 21–April 19): A Newsweek survey revealed that 79% of Americans believe in the virgin birth. You’re not so sure. (Didn’t Britney Spears used to say she was a virgin, too?) Don’t let skepticism interfere with your enjoyment of the holiday season. A peppy moon trine is ensuring that you’ll become a jolly elf instead of a grumpy Grinch. Treat your honey to dinner at your favorite restaurant. Make like Joey from his Friends days and hand out homemade gift certificates good for some lusty lovin’.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You were relieved to hear that Wendy’s is going to allow substitution on its combo meals. Soon you’ll be able to order chili, a baked potato, or a salad instead of fries. Confident that this change will keep your weight down, you’re indulging in guilt-free holiday snacks. Cookies, candy, and cashews are on the menu. With the sun boosting your metabolism, you can get away with a few extra carbs. But when people start mistaking you for Kirstie Alley or Rosie O’Donnell, it’s time to stop.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Jon Stewart’s America (The Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction was named Book of the Year by Publisher’s Weekly. And Donald Trump’s fiancée, Melania Knauss, has sealed a deal to become a spokesmodel for Levi’s. As Mercury, your ruler, goes direct, enticing awards or juicy contracts may come your way. You’ll sign on to represent your local dollar store in a series of ads. If you wanna make it in show biz, you gotta start somewhere. Or you’ll volunteer to distribute free candy canes at a celebrity charity event. It’s all about being seen by the right people.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): As the sun moves opposite your sign for a four week stay, you could be feeling like Naomi Campbell’s former assistant. She says that Campbell allegedly head butted and bit her. Rumor has it that the supermodel’s prior stay at an anger management clinic didn’t provide a complete cure for her “problem.” Avoid chaotic energies. Refuse to give in to last minute shopping panic. Do not - I repeat, do not - knock fellow shoppers unconscious with your purse as you make a grab for that hot Xbox game. Okay?

Leo (July 23-August 22): You’re a Fire sign, so winter always makes you a little droopy. The lion worries about staying warm and cozy throughout the frigid months. This week, the winter solstice may intensify those feelings of anxiousness. Go to see The Incredibles and lose yourself in this silly tale of a superhero family. Watch The Biggest Loser to boost your self-esteem. (“I may be carrying a few extra pounds around the middle, but not as many as Caroline Rhea!”) You’ll feel better in no time.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): You’ve been pretty hard on yourself lately, but now that Mercury is finally going direct, your confidence is soaring. You’ll make like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s supporters, seeking an amendment to the Constitution so Arnie can become The Presinator one day. (Oh, yeah. Like that’s going to happen.) You’ll imitate rockers Mötley Crue and reunite for a new world tour and Greatest Hits album. Or you’ll pull a Candice Bergen, signing on as a regular on ABC’s hot show Boston Legal. Things are looking up.

Libra (September 23-October 23): Orlando Bloom was recently inducted into the Buddhist faith, and you could be drawn to pursue the spiritual side of life, too. You’ll cast the tea leaves in an attempt to figure out your destiny. Question: “Will Nick Lachey ever divorce that icky Jessica and marry me?” Answer: “Ask again later.” In the meantime, learn some chants and practice your “oms.” Neptune is heightening your intuition, helping you access higher realms of consciousness. (Either that, or you’ve been drinking too much eggnog.)

Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Michael Moore told Barbara Walters that he was so upset by Bush’s win that he stayed in bed for days. Saturn has you in a similar funk right now, but don’t give up on your controversial documentary making ways just yet. This is merely a temporary blip. Next week, you’ll be more cheery and chipper. In the meantime, things could be worse. You could be John McEnroe, whose show has been cancelled by CNBC after it failed to get a Nielsen rating some nights. At least your audience isn’t too small to measure.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Something may seem funny about your romantic relationship. Venus is square Uranus, stirring up controversy. Prince William appears to be dumping his longtime girlfriend for an American heiress. Your honey could be up to no good, too. Or perhaps it’s just paranoia taking its toll. When you’re so obsessed with someone that you check his shirts every night, looking for telltale lipstick stains, this isn’t the sign of a healthy relationship. And when you hire a pet psychic to grill your girlfriend’s dog about other men she’s been seeing, it’s time for a chill pill

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Actor James Woods had emergency surgery to repair a blocked artery, an operation that happened just in the nick of time, says his doctor. With the sun entering your sign this week, you could be rescued from something, too. Your friends will set you up on a blind date with a hottie, saving your from sad singlehood. Or your boss will assign odious tasks that would have been yours to an eager young intern. Improvement is the theme.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18):Mariah Carey is developing a yearly Christmas-themed show which she plans to perform on Broadway. (Is this a good thing? You have your doubts.) And Kate Beckinsale has said that being a movie star hasn’t turned out quite as she had hoped, so she is seriously considering going to medical school. Jupiter has you questioning your career path just like these ladies are doing. You’re wondering if you really want to help people. Maybe you should just help yourself – to lots of money.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): A second quarter moon in your sign has you convinced that you’re doing the right thing. Billy Idol is set to release his first album in ten years in late March. Jesse L. Martin of Law and Order will be taking a brief hiatus while he stars in the film version of Rent. And the Wayans Brothers are set to develop a movie based on The Munsters TV show. Follow those creative urges where they take you, and they are likely to pay off. White Wedding, anyone?

[GreenKappa]

perfect timing for things to look up for me!!

Virgo (August 23-September 22): You’ve been pretty hard on yourself lately, but now that Mercury is finally going direct, your confidence is soaring. You’ll make like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s supporters, seeking an amendment to the Constitution so Arnie can become The Presinator one day. (Oh, yeah. Like that’s going to happen.) You’ll imitate rockers Mötley Crue and reunite for a new world tour and Greatest Hits album. Or you’ll pull a Candice Bergen, signing on as a regular on ABC’s hot show Boston Legal. Things are looking up.

PS - just got my bonus and a raise...must be true!

[IowaStatePhiPsi]

This Week In The Stars

Aries (March 21–April 19): Appearances can be deceiving. It turns out that the svelte Sharon Osbourne has had a long-term struggle with bulimia. And fashionista Paris Hilton has a size eleven foot. With a Venus opposition making you more aware of life’s ironies, it’s time to get clear about your personal values. Who are you going to emulate, the celebrities whose definition of “life-time commitment” maxes out at about seven years, á la Brad and Jennifer? Or will you stick the landing and agree to do some hard work?


Taurus (April 20-May 20) Jude Law and Sienna Miller are now engaged to be married, and so are supermodel Heidi Klum and Grammy nominee Seal. There’s something in the air, and you could catch those contagiously cuddly vibes. Venus is working you into a frisky frenzy. You’re crushin’ on a new schoolmate. Or you’re dying to get to know that hunky delivery boy who brings you your bagel every morning. “I’d like mine without garlic!” you’ll giggle, batting your eyelashes. The planets are encouraging you to sample sensual pleasures.


Gemini: (May 21-June 21): Martha Stewart and her jailbird pals lost out to an opposing team in a holiday decorating competition. Apparently, the paper cranes she created weren’t popular with the judges. This week, somebody could give you the bird, too. A Jupiter square might prevent others from recognizing your incredible genius and burgeoning talent. Your boss will frown upon that new screensaver you created by pasting together photos from the office Christmas party. (Personally, you think that the lampshade looked good on him.) Get used to offering apologies.


Cancer (June 22-July 22): Mercury and Venus are preparing to do a two-step opposite your sign, convincing you that you are the victim of a witch’s curse. Lucy Liu and playwright boyfriend Zach Helm have broken up and, like them, you’re wondering what the heck happened. Things aren’t quite working out the way you had planned. To minimize any discomfort, try to roll with the punches. Change is in the wind, and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Once you get used to having your brains rearranged, you’ll feel just fine.


Leo (July 23-August 22): The full moon in your sign has you more emotional than Michael Moore accepting the People’s Choice Award for Best Picture of the Year. You didn’t direct Fahrenheit 9/11, but you have accomplished something of note. Keep spreading your wings and expressing the magnificence that lives inside of you. “Dear Diary: I am convinced that one day I will become President, even though I am a single parent black lesbian Libertarian who didn’t go to Yale.” Despite what the “experts” think, your opportunities are unlimited. So you go, girl!


Virgo (August 23-September 22): Venus is working her magic on you, lifting the cloud of doom that usually clings to you like cheap and pungent aftershave. You’ve made mistakes, but so what? Your past doesn’t define your future. If Matthew McConaughey can go from acting in The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre to starring in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, then there’s hope for you, too. Let “Carpe diem” become your motto. (That’s “Seize the day” if you didn’t take Latin or never watched Dead Poets Society.)


Libra (September 23-October 23): A new study from Northwestern University reveals that people who sleep less tend to be fat. So, see, your instincts are right. Curling up for a long winter’s nap isn’t just relaxing. It’s also good for your waistline. Quirky Mercury has you embracing nontraditional ways of looking at problems. Maybe you should volunteer to help Bush figure out that pesky Social Security stuff or put in some time analyzing why world weather patterns are suddenly conforming to the script for The Day After Tomorrow.


Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Mötley Cruë rocker Vince Neil accidentally used the F-word during The Tonight Show’s live New Year’s Eve broadcast. With the moon gumming up your communication skills, you could let one slip, too. Maybe you’ll make an embarrassing confession to your main squeeze at the worst possible moment. “After living with you for ten years/bearing your children/emptying your bank account, I’ve decided that I just want to be friends.” Or perhaps you’ll tell your supervisor what you really think about her polka dots and plaid suit combination. Oops.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Sometimes, ya just gotta do something because it feels good. Kim Basinger, Danny DeVito, and Forest Whitaker are the latest celebrities to sign on for an indie ensemble drama called Jump Start. None of them will be making big bucks from it, but they’re probably working with a better class of script than the one for Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Make like these stars and focus on quality. If you’re finding that a relationship, career pursuit, or hairstyle isn’t the real you, Mars says get rid of it.


Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Sheryl Crow is set to release two albums in 2005, and Kyra Sedgwick may star in 13 episodes of a new TNT crime drama. So you’re not the only one feeling ambitious these days. Venus is increasing your need to create beauty and express artistry. Maybe it’s time to show off your prize macramé collection or that lovely pot holder that you made in your adult community art class. Or perhaps you are finally ready to test your air guitar talents at open mike night. Too bad you’re no Sheryl Crow.


Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You’re feeling pretty fortunate these days. You’re tsnunami-free. You aren’t addicted to Alleve, Vioxx, or Celebrex. And whether you voted Republican or Democrat, at least all the election fuss is over for another four years (Senator Barbara Boxer’s vote-count protest notwithstanding.) The full moon has you realizing that you have much to look forward to. You know that Kevin Spacey will make a perfect Lex Luthor in the new Superman remake. And even though Kathie Lee Gifford is the lyricist and writer of a new off-Broadway musical, you know that the show won’t last long. Whew.


Pisces (February 19-March 20): Right now, it’s important for you to see results for all of your hard work. After many years in show business, actors Paul Giamatti and Thomas Haden Church have finally earned Golden Globe nominations for their work in Sideways. They didn’t give up, and neither should you. Although the critics haven’t been kind to you this past month, a bunch of planets in earthy Capricorn are ensuring that you’ll settle into a healthy and profitable routine. Your raccoon grooming business will quickly take off. Or your memoir, Confessions of a Baggage Handler, will get snatched up by an editor.

[IowaStatePhiPsi]

This Week In The Stars

Aries (March 21–April 19): Astrologically speaking, Aries is associated with infancy as a life stage. You have a habit of screaming loudly and soiling your diapers when you don’t get what you want. This week, Jupiter is putting the kibosh on a cherished career goal. Like Marie Osmond, whose radio show, “Marie and Friends ,” was pulled from the airwaves, you could be barking up the wrong tree with a current project. There’s no need to give up Mormonism, however. Keep your faith strong. This is merely a temporary glitch on your personal radar.


Taurus (April 20-May 20): For months now, you’ve been asking yourself, “Did Kelly Clarkson really need to put out another album?” Alas, you have no control over record executives and their freaky decision-making process. Focus your energy on things you can directly oversee. A powerful moon placement is giving you an increased sense of determination. You’ll protest injustice and make a stand against things that are just plain wrong. If management insists on stocking Coke in office soda machines, you’ll host a rally for Pepsi drinkers. “Our voice must be heard!”


Gemini: (May 21-June 21): As Venus brings you some luscious Valentine’s Day vibes, you and your honey will be tighter than Beyoncé and Jay-Z. Although you can’t afford to smother your sweetheart in furs or shower him with bling, you’ll find your own way to express that special affection. Cook dinner from scratch, incorporating gourmet ingredients like sun-dried tomatoes, tapenade, and/or Devonshire cream. Break out a bottle of vino that isn’t labeled “Red Table Wine.” Think Shiraz, Merlot, or Cabernet. (And no, those are not the names of former Destiny’s Child members.)


Cancer (June 22-July 22): Lately, you’ve been drawn to the world of the supernatural. You were pleased when NBC picked up Patricia Arquette’s new show, Medium, for another season. You can’t get enough of this psychic’s crime-solving ways. And when you heard that Kelli Garner of Aviator is going to star in Autopsy, a horror film about friends trapped in a haunted hospital, you said, “Kewl.” Spooky Neptune is amping up the fright factor. It could be time to don a tinfoil hat to ward off those alien mind control rays.


Leo (July 23-August 22): The Super Bowl came and went. Big deal. The U.S. has admits that it can’t account for 9 billion dollars that it gave to Iraq. Yawn. And a new American Idol season is underway. Double decker yawn. A moon square has you feeling at odds with everything that is going on around you. You feel displaced, disgruntled, and disagreeable. That all-Twinkies diet isn’t helping. To perk up your life on the outside, clean out your insides. Try a fresh vegetable. Remember what they look like? And avoid anything in the Lunchables category.


Virgo (August 23-September 22): Mars is bringing you an intriguing opportunity. Nicole Ritchie is doing a print ads campaign for clothes and accessory designer Bongo. Pretty soon, you’ll have your own photo spread in a major magazine. And Tom Brokaw signed a two-book deal with Random House. Consider marketing your memoirs. “Confessions of a Germaphobe” could be a best-seller. (Yes, I know. Not all Virgos are neat and tidy. But as this Virgo can attest, they’d sure like to be.)


Libra (September 23-October 23): The wife of Brady Bunch star Barry Williams has filed for divorce. And cuties Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth have announced that they have split up. Sniff. Venus has you feeling extra sentimental about couples who are on the skids. “If only they had talked to Dr. Phil! I know they could have sorted out their issues.” Even if romances are crashing and burning around you, don’t let them sour you on love. The planets are propelling you in a happy, lusty direction, so enjoy this joy ride.


Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Certain things get your dander up. You think lip syncers should be tarred and feathered. You were the first to sign the petition at stopashlee.com, expressing your need for Ashley Simpson to stop singing NOW. And when Elton John blasted Madonna for being lip sync queen during her stage performances, you felt he had a point. A moon opposition has turned you into an inverse superhero: Mr. Crankypants. More steamed than a locomotive! Able to bitch at others in a single bound! He’s giving you the bird, he’s a pain, he’s Mr. Crankypants!


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Complex projects which require coordination from several directions are starting to come together. Director Ron Howard convinced the French Ministry of Culture to allow him to film portions of The Da Vinci Code at the Louvre. And the U.N. has tapped Bill Clinton to become the point man for tsunami relief efforts in the U.S. Like these fellows, you’re approaching everything with a “Can do” attitude. The sun is helping you to see sunshine where others only see darkness. Spread your light and get going.


Capricorn (December 22-January 19): You worry that Martin Scorsese is going to get screwed out of a Best Director Oscar again. That darned Clint Eastwood. And you figure Annette Bening is long overdue for one, since she lost out to Hilary Swank in 2000 for Boys Don’t Cry. Saturn has you itching and scratching, wondering if justice will be done. Take heart from one success story. Virginia Madsen, long confined to B movie status, will soon costar with Harrison Ford in The Wrong Element. You go, Virginia!


Aquarius (January 20-February 18): 75-year-old golf legend Arnold Palmer recently got married for the second time, proving that it’s never too late for love. As Venus perks up those Valentine’s Day vibes, you could be thinking about getting hitched (or, at least, getting more hitched than you are right now.) Aquarians’ main requirement in a partner is that he or she be cool. You’re not into flash, you couldn’t care less about your honey’s bank balance, but you demand that your soulmate have a certain, special something. Someone in your immediate circle may well qualify.


Pisces (February 19-March 20): Diana Ross is launching a new makeup line with Mac called Beauty Icon. You wish that other older legends would be similarly honored. How about a Diane Keaton fashion line? You always loved her quirky apparel. And why hasn’t someone put together Lauren Bacall Special Editions hair products? This screen goddess has always been perfectly coiffed. As Venus and Jupiter do a two-step, you could put together winning a winning campaign or a highly-marketable gimmick. Trust your inspiration and go for it.

[lifesaver]

Originally posted by IowaStatePhiPsi
This Week In The Stars


Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Aquarians’ main requirement in a partner is that he or she be cool. You’re not into flash, you couldn’t care less about your honey’s bank balance, but you demand that your soulmate have a certain, special something. Someone in your immediate circle may well qualify.

This would be cool and I have just the candidate in mind...