Rivalry joke's on you
By Tom Hoffarth
What do you do when you see a UCLA alum on your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.
How many USC sorority girls does it take to change a tire? Two, one to call daddy and the other to make T-shirts about the event.
Did you hear about the UCLA student who lost $50 betting on his team's football game? He lost $25 on the game and $25 on the tape-delay replay.
Did you hear that the guy who rides Traveler was almost killed last week? He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Finally, the manager of the Wal-Mart got on the intercom and asked floor supervisor Elizabeth Paige Laurie to unplug it.
Why do UCLA alums hang their diplomas on the rearview mirror? So they can use handicapped parking.
How do you own a small business in Westwood? Start a large business and put a USC grad in charge of it.
Did you hear that Karl Dorrell has found someone to help with his defense? Johnnie Cochran.
Did you hear Pete Carroll is dressing only 15 players for this week's game? Supposedly, the rest can dress themselves now.
How do you know when a UCLA running back is about to get the ball? He comes out of the huddle crying.
You ever hear the phrase, "You're a Bruin for four years but a Trojan for life?" It's because Bruins actually graduate in four years.
How does a UCLA grad measure success? One unemployment check at a time.
What do a USC player and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Why does UCLA have to play USC every year? Because it can schedule San Jose State only every five years.
Why is USC a private school? Because no one wants it known publicly that he went there.
Why does UCLA play on natural grass? So its cheerleaders have a place to graze at halftime.
Did you hear about the football player who transferred from USC to UCLA? He raised the grade-point averages of both schools.
Two execs are having a business lunch. After the meeting finished, one said to the other: "So, how was your college experience at UCLA?"
The second exec, assuming the first had noticed his suave demeanor and business sense, replied: "It was great, but how did you know I went to UCLA?"
The first answered: "I noticed your class ring when you were picking your nose."
A USC frat boy sees his friend come back to the house with a new Porsche.
"Where did you get that?" he asks.
"I went out with a sorority girl last night. She saw me at the bar and motioned to come with her. She took me in her Porsche up into the Hollywood Hills, parked it, got out, took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have whatever you want.' "
"That was pretty smart," the first frat boys says, "seeing as how her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
And then there's the one about the UCLA fan and USC fan fighting over a lantern when a genie appeared. The genie said: "If you two stop the bickering, I'll give you each one wish."
The UCLA fan said: "I want a huge wall, 150 feet tall, all around the Westwood campus to protect ourselves from USC people. Make it so no one can get in or out, especially those Trojans."
The genie blinked his eyes, and the wall was there.
"Now fill it with water," the USC fan wished.
Tom Hoffarth can be reached at
thomas.hoffarth@dailynews.com and (818) 713-3661.
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