Not in the Wedding?

preciousjeni · #1 10-20-2004, 08:12 AM

Ok...I'm EXTREMELY irritated right now. My brother is marrying this horrible girl who has done so many atrocious things to him that I am having trouble not hating them (her parents and her).

I'll give you a short list:
1) When my grandmother died last year, my brother was very upset, so he called his girl. She refused to come because she had plans with some friends.
2) Last week, my brother flew back to Georgia (he's living in North Carolina) to visit friends and family. His fiancee picked him up and took him to HER family home. In the entire time of his fall break, his fiancee couldn't "find the time" to take him to see our parents. Ok...maybe she was busy. But THEN, when it was time for him to go back to the airport (a 2 hour drive), all of the sudden, NO ONE COULD TAKE HIM!! He had to pay for an CAB RIDE to the airport!!!!!

To top off the insult, her parents called my parents last night to discuss the rehearsal dinner and condescendingly suggested that my parents might not be able to afford the place where the girl wants to dine. The sick thing is that these folks are already living beyond their means (they couldn't even afford to fix their own house so they hired my brother to do some construction) - who are they to even suggest that????

Now, here's my deal. I've done my very best to be a supportive sister and act in a Christian way even though I don't think this girl loves him. In fact, I'VE been the one defending the girl against my parents' anger!!

I just found out that she's not going to put me in her wedding, but that her brothers are going to be my brother's groomsmen!!! This is in a SOUTHERN WEDDING!! My parents, as etiquette dictates, are paying for the rehearsal dinner, which I'M NOT INVITED TO!! Oh my gracious!!!

I had to get that out.

ETA: I'm his only sibling.

Lil' Hannah · #2 10-20-2004, 08:41 AM

If you don't like her so much why would you even want to be in the wedding?

preciousjeni · #3 10-20-2004, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lil' Hannah
If you don't like her so much why would you even want to be in the wedding?

He's my only brother and I'll always support him. I'm just irritated at the nerve of these people.

Virtuous Woman · #4 10-20-2004, 08:49 AM

I know how you feel because my father is marrying someone like that. I think you really need to take this up with your brother. You can't do anything about who he chooses to marry but there's no reason for you not to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. I have one brother also and I'll be damned if I'm not going to be invited to his wedding!

#5 10-20-2004, 09:20 AM

I think you should talk to your brother about how you feel...then maybe he could stand up for himself for a change...

If this was happening with my one and only brother, I'd be just as upset as you. Then I'd get all my cousins and go beat her up.

aephi alum · #6 10-20-2004, 09:32 AM

Definitely have a word with your brother. Maybe he doesn't understand how hurt you are.

For the rehearsal party, you are supposed to be invited. "All attendants, the bride and her fiancé's immediate families, the officiate and spouse, as well as any out-of-town guests are included in the guest list" according to this site . You are immediate family.

As for being in the wedding, it's up to the couple whom they ask, but it does seem a little odd they'd ask her siblings and not ask you. If she doesn't want you as a bridesmaid, there's no reason your brother can't ask you to be one of his attendants. If it looks weird to have a female "groomsman" or if it unbalances the numbers of attendants on each side, so what? Or you could be asked to do one of the readings or something. It's up to them what they ask you to do, but as the groom's sister, you should have a special role in their ceremony.

adpiucf · #7 10-20-2004, 10:06 AM

You'll hate my advice.

I'd just grin and bear it. It's not your wedding. It is up to the bride to decide who her attendants are, and up to the groom to decide who his attendants are. Perhaps he is friends with his soon-to-be brothers-in-law, whereas it seems you and his fiance don't get along. This is your brother's wedding. He has to be a man if he feels his family isn't being treated fairly and speak up. I think it would be ok if you mentioned how you feel left out. I am sure a suitable compromise (IE: being a ceremony reader) can be found, and yes, per etiquette, as immediate family, you are included in the rehearsal dinner. But don't be a bitch about it. Regardless of what kind of horrible person she may or may not be, this is the bride's special day. I do sympathize over the fact that you're upset, but also put yourself in your brother's shoes and make it your role to ensure he has a happy wedding day. Also, make an effort to become friends with your sister-in-law-to-be. She's about to become your family member.

Good luck!

kddani · #8 10-20-2004, 10:13 AM

If your side of the family is paying for the rehearsal dinner, they should decide who goes

I would agree with the basic advise to have a heart to heart with your brother. Perhaps he doesn't realize that your feelings are hurt b/c he's preoccupied with the idea of getting married, other issues in his life, and his fiancee (who could be a handful judging from what you're saying).

wrigley · #9 10-20-2004, 11:39 AM

Preciousjeni I've been in your shoes. You have to abide by your future sisinlaw's wishes as to her bridal party. Leave it alone. Considering it a blessing that you don't have to where some ugly monstrosity she will no doubt pick out. Even if you're not a bridesmaid you will have a front row seat and you're still be his sister after the wedding. Do not get your brother involved as he is going through enough stress with her and her family.

Rise above her witchyness and be a place where your brother can vent. Remind your parents that this woman will be the future mother of their grandchildren and she will call the shots as to when you get to visit. You're doing the right thing by defending her although I'm sure it's not easy.

As for the rehearsal dinner if your parents are paying for it, they will call the shots as to where it will be held and who goes. On this matter your parents should remind them that you are part of the family package.

Try and make it fun for your parents. Tell your brother that it will be your responsibility to make sure mom and dad look their best for this day. Go with your dad when he gets fitted for his tuxedo. Arrange his appointment for haircut and shave. Go shopping with your mom and get yourselves some killer dresses. Make arrangements to get manicures, hair, and makeup done together.

Good luck.

BetteDavisEyes · #10 10-20-2004, 12:02 PM

Well, I already said the horrendous story of my cousin who wouldn't invite her family b/c the grooms family were not used to being around people like us.
Her wedding went off beautifuly (so I heard) but his entire family kept asking her why her family wasn't there. In fact, they asked so much she told them the truth & apparently, they are now angry with her b/c she insulted us and she offended them by insinuating that they were pretentious snobs.
I know he's your only brother but sometimes, people have to learn the hard way in order to learn a lesson.

valkyrie · #11 10-20-2004, 12:05 PM

I agree with everything adpiucf said.

From what you've written, I don't see what's so terribly awful about this girl. Maybe there's more you haven't included? If your brother wanted to see his family while he was in Georgia, he could've made his own arrangements to see them. From what you're saying -- she couldn't "find the time" to take him to see his family -- I can't help but wonder if he didn't want to see his family and is using her as an excuse. Why is it her responsibility to take him anywhere? Unless you've spoken to her directly about these incidents, you really don't have the whole story.

ETA: Stuff like this is only one reason I think that having bridal parties/bridesmaids/groomsmen is a silly custom.

xo_kathy · #12 10-20-2004, 12:10 PM

I am planning my own wedding right now, and my fiance is not sure he is going to have my brother stand up for him. He is my only brother and fiance does not have any sisters or close female friends/relatives I could ask to be 'tit-for-tat' so to speak. I was a little upset, but in the long run, he can choose who he wants - it's his side of the bridal party. Though I do understand he's having her brothers, maybe he feels closer to them than she does to you. As a bride, I can tell you picking the wedding party is a lot harder than you think!

However, this girls sounds like a b*tch anyway, so you probably don't want to have to be around her all day anyway!!! I would mention to your borther that you would love to participate in his big day and could you maybe do a reading or something like that. Aside from that, keep being the great, supportive sister you have been - that's what is most important.

And, I agree with the others, if you parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner, they dictate who they will and will not invite. And proper etiquette is that bride and groom's immediate family are invited regardless (I say screw that out of town guest stuff - about 100 of my 150 guests are from out of state - I don't need to pay for a whole other reception on Friday night!!! Just my opinion!).

ADqtPiMel · #13 10-20-2004, 12:15 PM

If I were a bride, I know that I would have to limit my number of bridesmaids. I have sisters of my own, plus several close college and high school friends. Mr. ADqtPiMel's sister wouldn't even be on the list.

Tippiechick · #14 10-20-2004, 12:30 PM

If you don't like the girl, then WHY on earth would you want to be a part of her bridal party?

I mean, if you have ever been in a bridal party, you know how it is ALL about the bride. There would be showers where you would have to ooh and aah over slotted spoons, etc. You might have to gush over how pretty she looks when in reality you HATE the gaudy number she chose to wear.

I don't think you actually want to be in the bridal party. Perhaps, it is just the thought of being left out.

Everyone is correct in saying that your brother should speak for himself. If he isn't, then he's sending out a loud message of either being completely whipped or of being passively aggressive in letting her take the rap for things he had no desire to do (such as visiting, etc.)

Wrigley is right. She WILL call the shots on the grandkids, where holidays are spent, etc. So, you better just grit your teeth and bear her for as long as she is around. These days, marriages don't last that long

GeekyPenguin · #15 10-20-2004, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Tippiechick
If you don't like the girl, then WHY on earth would you want to be a part of her bridal party?

I mean, if you have ever been in a bridal party, you know how it is ALL about the bride. There would be showers where you would have to ooh and aah over slotted spoons, etc. You might have to gush over how pretty she looks when in reality you HATE the gaudy number she chose to wear.

I don't think you actually want to be in the bridal party. Perhaps, it is just the thought of being left out.

Everyone is correct in saying that your brother should speak for himself. If he isn't, then he's sending out a loud message of either being completely whipped or of being passively aggressive in letting her take the rap for things he had no desire to do (such as visiting, etc.)

Wrigley is right. She WILL call the shots on the grandkids, where holidays are spent, etc. So, you better just grit your teeth and bear her for as long as she is around. These days, marriages don't last that long

What she said. It sucks to be left out but you obviously don't like this girl so WHY would you want to stand by her side when she marries your brother?