What Do You Think...

bgsugirlie · #1 10-31-2004, 07:02 PM

I was out with the girls this weekend and we started to talk about men and their ability (or inability) to change. My friend just ended a fling with this guy who was very sweet, but just wasn't willing to settle down and start a relationship. He's 26 and still into one night stands, casual dating...but nothing serious. She continually ends up dating guys like this (that's a completely different topic), but it started a discussion about whether or not guys who are the player type eventually settle down. My friends insist that they don't change, they only date girls who are willing to be their sex buddies and when the girl demands more from the relationship, the guy will jump ship. Ok, so I know this happens...a lot... but I really do feel that if this type of guy meets the right girl, he might actually see some of the benefits of having a relationship, and it might open the door to something serious. I'm not saying that a specific girl can change him...just that he may change on his own for a specific girl. What do you all think?

valkyrie · #2 10-31-2004, 07:48 PM

I think that any guy will be willing to get into a relationship if he meets the "right" girl AND it's the right time for him. Of course, no woman can do anything to make herself the "right" girl if she isn't, and if you're the right girl at the wrong time, that won't cut it.

James · #3 10-31-2004, 07:53 PM

I think Val is right. Further, you can drive yourself a little crazy if you keep wondering whether you will be the one that is the right girl for the boy.

Also, most guys that girls call players, don't deserve the title.

As a digression, I was always tickled about how a girl would refer to her realtively unattractive and not expecially socially skilled BF as a former player . . . On what planet and among which sub-species?

wrigley · #4 10-31-2004, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
I think that any guy will be willing to get into a relationship if he meets the "right" girl AND it's the right time for him. Of course, no woman can do anything to make herself the "right" girl if she isn't, and if you're the right girl at the wrong time, that won't cut it.

I agree.

winneythepooh7 · #5 10-31-2004, 10:11 PM

I think that timing and compatability are important factors in determining if a relationship "may" work. While I feel that everyone can "change", if someone goes after Joe-sleeparound-the-town I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up doing the same thing to them. I also think age plays a big factor in "player" guys settling down. For example, many frat boys I knew in college I couldn't imagine being married with children, because of their crazy reps in college, but when they "grew up" and got away from the fraternity scene, you realized they weren't that crazy party boy anymore, but really had a serious side and wanted a real, grown-up "adult" relationship.

James · #6 10-31-2004, 10:25 PM

Thats out of Cosmo darlin'

Its more as opportunity decreases boys are more apt to settle down, and/or if they meet something mindblowing.

There is this odd conception in our society that as we age we begin to settle into life and give up young fun things . . .
This is more situational. Generally people will do as much wild stuff as their lifestyles, work, and energy levels allow.

However, I have to admit that most people tire out pretty early on . . maybe even in their early twenties.

There isa quote: Most men die at 21, but are burried 40 years later.

Quote:

Originally posted by winneythepooh7
I think that timing and compatability are important factors in determining if a relationship "may" work. While I feel that everyone can "change", if someone goes after Joe-sleeparound-the-town I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up doing the same thing to them. I also think age plays a big factor in "player" guys settling down. For example, many frat boys I knew in college I couldn't imagine being married with children, because of their crazy reps in college, but when they "grew up" and got away from the fraternity scene, you realized they weren't that crazy party boy anymore, but really had a serious side and wanted a real, grown-up "adult" relationship.

UKDaisy · #7 10-31-2004, 11:19 PM

I think guys will change for the "right girl". Now most girls *including myself* decide that they are this girl. The problem is.....you can't force your own "perfect self" on a guy. The guy has to see it.

So a lot of us girls who feel that guys won't change have just been jilted or something. i.e - me

But it happens....

ADqtPiMel · #8 10-31-2004, 11:28 PM

I think that most guys will eventually settle down, but it's their decision as to when. A lot of women think they can "change" the bad boy, but you can't force anyone to settle down.

KappaKittyCat · #9 11-01-2004, 09:10 AM

The most ridiculous permutation of this occurs when girls decide that they are the right girl. My sophomore-year roomie did this all the time. She'd hook up with a guy who might not necessarily be a player, but was definitely not looking for a relationship. Of course, she would never ask the "so what was this?" questions, and he would never categorize it because he wasn't asked. Then she would say something obtuse, like "I like spending time with you; we should do this more often." Guy hears, "I like hanging out and hooking up; I'm cool with it," and agrees. Roomie hears the Wedding March. Then she falls all over herself creating this "relationship" and is heartbroken when Guy tells her that he never wanted it in the first place.

XOMichelle · #10 11-01-2004, 06:55 PM

Eh, I think it depends on the person. Some men just never want to sleep with one person. Women too for that matter. And if they really don't want to, they never will.

Lindz928 · #11 11-11-2004, 10:28 PM

I think everyone who has posted so far is right on. When you find the right person and the right time, things will happen completely naturally, and the guy will be ready to settle down.

The point I wanted to make is about those of us women who tend to fall for the "player" guys. I have thought about this alot and have come to the conclusion that the reason I go for these guys is because I am not ready to settle down either. I see it as my subconscious telling me that I need to be single longer and have more experiences before I am ready to find the right person and settle down. So, I tend to be attracted to men where there is less of a danger of a serious romantic attachment from either side.

I know that this is not always the case with me, because when I am at points in my life where I am ready for relationships, I fall for different types of men. It just so happens that right now, I am enjoying being single, so I seem to gravitate to the "players". I know that someday that will change.

Anyway, that's just my little opinion. Has anyone else ever thought about this? And if so, do you think I'm way off?

AKA_Monet · #12 11-12-2004, 08:05 PM

Been there, done that, got a T-shirt...

It has been my personal experience that when I ran up under a player the quicker I would lose his interest. The reason I would lose them so fast and move on to the next player was because, well, I expected a player to hurt me. I "trained" myself to have a frame of mind to expect a man to play me and "doormatted" myself to expect it out of a man. Later, I determined that it was easier to deal with being treated like chit from jump that to be dumped at the end and be left wondering what I did wrong... Basically thinking that if the relationship was shitty to begin with, then I couldn't complain about being hurt in the end...

That cause a huge spiritual bankruptcy in my heart that needed several years of "tantric therapy"...

Then when I thought I moved on from luser men I would allow to hurt me, I found myself in "love" with a "dodo bird-type player"... But what made this situation different was I literally had a "lightening bolt" sent from Heaven that told me to I MUST paradigm shift--to the quote-end quote--"Nice Guys"...

Now all men have a "nice guy" in them. Unleashing it can be difficult. So timing is everything... Some men are in a foul frame of mind and will mindfcuk anything that moves... True players know how to rock a girl's world... That is part of the game... Other men are really "nice guys" and will do all that it takes to be with the one they love. Those men are in short supply at a youthful mental age--i.e. males mature much more slowly than females of similar age... And most "nice guys" are what most women call goofy nerds with limited social skill sets until they get drunk... But those are the men that will be the CEO's of something... Look at Bill and Melinda Gates...

But once you meet that "nice guy" and you DO like him--that is when all relationship deals can happen within weeks... But you have got to like him in return, 'cuz if you don't he can pick up on it much more quickly than a player losing your phone number after you slept with him...

If you want the player types, then you've got to go in knowing that he will always have that "charisma" on women... Carousing, partying, philandering, etc. If you are okay with that (and most women are lying when they say they are), then hey don't expect much out of your life beyond what you have right now--meaning, no house, no car, no partner to parent with (ask my sister in law about that right now), no nothing!!! Because playerz always got to play...

But it is relatively easy to get a player, just like it is to catch a cold/flu. Players like the chase. They like and want what they cannot have. They need saiety... But once they get it, they're gone...

And that's how the game is played...