Tell the best jokes you've every heard!

emperorclb · #1 07-25-2004, 04:25 PM

Tell the best jokes you've ever heard or some funny stories.

CarolinaCutie · #2 07-26-2004, 10:05 AM

Q. What kind of teeth can you get for a dollar?

A. Buck teeth.

OK so right about now you're like................, but I promise that at the right moment, with my comedic delivery, this is a funny joke. It's really funny! Yeah, it is.

#3 07-27-2004, 01:23 AM

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno

Quote:

Subject: How to tell the difference between a Democrat, a Republican, and a Southerner

First, pose the following question:

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?"

*** Democrat Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

*** Republican Answer: BANG!

*** Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??

Gotta love political humor!

dgfromtx · #4 07-29-2004, 01:15 AM

Where do computers go on a Saturday night?

A disc-o.

What gets wet while it dries?

A towel.

....I'll be here all week.

valkyrie · #5 07-29-2004, 02:38 AM

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the owner and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun???... There's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: I said what????
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!

smiley21 · #6 07-29-2004, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the owner and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun???... There's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: I said what????
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!

i need to use that if i ever get pulled over again

_Opi_ · #7 07-29-2004, 01:02 PM

Valkyrie,

LMAOROLFLMAO

_Opi_ · #8 07-29-2004, 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by NickLc24

Gotta love political humor!

How about this one. The New Carb Diet:

NO (C)heney
NO (A)shcroft
NO (R)umsfeld
NO (B)ush

AND...... definitely NO RICE

smiley21 · #9 07-29-2004, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by _Opi_
How about this one. The New Carb Diet:

NO (C)heney
NO (A)shcroft
NO (R)umsfeld
NO (B)ush

AND...... definitely NO RICE

i saw that on a bumper sticker

#10 07-29-2004, 02:31 PM

That must have been a big bumper sticker

TheEpitome1920 · #11 07-29-2004, 02:41 PM

What do you call a deer with no eyes???

Ihavenoeyedeer!:P

(okay I thought it was funny)

smiley21 · #12 07-29-2004, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ginger
That must have been a big bumper sticker

it was actually a window sticker. it was not that big at all

bcdphie · #13 07-29-2004, 08:45 PM

From Mum
Here In Newfoundland

Dear Son;

I am writing this slow because you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most car
accidents happen within 20 miles of home - so we moved. I can't send the address as the
last Newfie family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house, so
they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. But the first day I put 4 shirts in it, pulled the chain
and I haven't seen them since.

It rained here only twice last week - three days the first time and four the second time.

About the coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little heavy to
send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off. I put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the Funeral Home, it said that if we didn't make the last payment on
Grandma's funeral, up she comes!

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out wether it is a girl or a
boy so I don't know if you're an Aunt or an Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat - some men tried to pull him out, but he fought
them off and drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two
were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate open!

Aunt Mabel is knitting you some socks. She would have sent by now, but I told her you
had grown another foot since she saw you last, so she had to knit another one.

No more news for now.

Love
Mum

bcdphie · #14 07-29-2004, 08:49 PM

An American, a Scot and a Canuck were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

smiley21 · #15 07-29-2004, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bcdphie
An American, a Scot and a Canuck were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

LOL!