the "L" word

StumpsGirl · #1 08-11-2004, 12:00 AM

**I tried to do a search on this but found nothing..If someone knows of another thread this is in just direct me there.**

Here's the story...

My boyfriend of over a year is a long distance relationship. We were on the phone the other night and he was upset b/c he was stressed and his car had just got broken into and he couldn't come down to visit. (We live 800+ miles apart.) I said in a half joking way "Mr. Stump I love you." but I meant it more as "I care about you" or "don't stress out because I am here for you." He said "It makes me feel bad that I can't say that back....I mean I care about you a lot and I really really wanna see you but it does make me feel bad that I can't say that to you yet." He took it as waaay more than he should have. I said "Well, As long as you have the intention of falling in love if thats meant to happen, but if you don't think it ever will...then it's not worth it." He reassured me that he doesn't mean he'll never fall in love...just he can't say it now. Now...I am being a female and thinking way too much into this so if someone just wants to reassure me and let me know I am worried over nothing PLEASE HELP!!! I am such a worrier and I don't want to be a waste of time. I do love him but I don't know if I am in love just yet. Should I know after a year?? I don't like to rush things b/c I have been hurt so much before. I do care a LOT for him and I do want it to work.
Also..I am positive there is no one else...I talk to his mom and she always tells me how much he talks about me. We see each other about every 3 months and he has never ever made me suspicious!! TRUST ME..He is so shy and nervous he could never cheat and get away with it!! LOL
Any advice will help me feel better...
-MLK

hottytoddy · #2 08-11-2004, 02:34 AM

You've been together a year and you aren't in love yet? I mean sure there's a reason you've been together a year but if you don't feel it yet then...wellll I don't know. And yeah...that's definitely not a good reaction.

valkyrie · #3 08-11-2004, 02:48 AM

Yeah, it's never taken me a year to realize I'm in love with someone, so it's hard for me to say -- it seems a bit odd to me, but my experiences might not be the norm.

It's always been my policy to never, EVER say the L-word first. I don't think I ever have, just because if you say it and the other person doesn't, it sets up a really weird dynamic in the relationship -- wasn't that a Seinfeld episode once?

PennyCarter · #4 08-11-2004, 10:14 AM

A year is a long time, but it happens for everyone at their own pace--I have a friend who's been with her boyfriend over 2 years and they don't say it (though I think this is quite excessive). I admire his honesty...I would never want someone to say it because they felt obligated...now you'll know that when he does say it that it is sincere.

And the long distance makes it harder...my boyfriend and I have been in different cities for over a year (at one point we were 8 hours away for 4 months, but now its just an hour and a half), but it does change how you view things. I was afraid of saying I love you if it was really that I just missed him a lot...I had never told anyone I loved them before and I wanted to be absolutely positive. So that's another dynamic that makes things really hard!!

#5 08-11-2004, 10:21 AM

My ex said the "L" word to me first. I told him that I couldn't reciprocate the same feelings for him just yet. I expressed to him that I cared about him so much, but I that I wasn't in love with him just yet. I told him that he could be patient and wait on me for when I could reciprocate the same feelings, or he could turn away and run the other direction. I did end up falling in love with him and the day that I told him so, the look on his face was priceless. Granted he is an 'ex' now, so it is all irrelevant, but you just have to be patient for the other person to feel the same way.

sugar and spice · #6 08-11-2004, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
I don't think I ever have, just because if you say it and the other person doesn't, it sets up a really weird dynamic in the relationship -- wasn't that a Seinfeld episode once?

My sophomore year English teacher, who was a little bit crazy and also hilarious, used to give us life lessons that were related to the books we were reading. My favorite life lesson was on how to dodge a kiss at the end of the date if you didn't like the guy -- but he also had a very good life lesson on "the L word." He told us, "If somebody ever says this to you, no matter how you feel about them, just say it back. IT'S NOT WORTH THE PROBLEMS THAT IT CAUSES TO TELL THEM YOU DON'T FEEL THE SAME WAY."

I think I internalized that. Fortunately I've never been in a situation where I felt forced to say it when it wasn't true, but if I was, I think I'd lie.

As for this situation -- it's true that everybody says it at their own pace, and although a year is a long time to go without saying it, you're right in that the important part is that he's "working on it," so to speak. I wouldn't stress out too much.

StumpsGirl · #7 08-11-2004, 11:23 AM

Quote:

You've been together a year and you aren't in love yet?

I just don't think a year is long enough when you are so far apart and you only get to see each other every 2 or so months. If we were just an hour or so apart and could be together every weekend it would be different but it's a 16 hour drive. He's been hurt a lot and so have I so I think we are both hesitant to rush things. He takes the time to call me at least once a day (usually 3 or 4 times), he plans a trip down as often as possible, he says a lot of things that DO make me happy. (He even cried over the fact that he wasn't able to make this trip down and he thought I would be mad.) He's a wonderful man. I knew the moment I saw him that I wanted to be with him. I just think being cautious is very important. I am a skeptic when it comes to love. I've been cheated on by someone who told me they loved me (before I did) and I have been cheated on by a man who had told me for 4 years he loved me (4 years before we were even a "real" couple). Then there'e the fact that my brother and ex-sister-in-law were together for 5 years, then married for 17 months and she found someone else, had an affair and left. I just have a hard time understanding love. I KNOW I love him. I care about him. I would never ever hurt him but I am still just very very scared to say it. He and I have talked about his little "mess up" and he admitted it scares him. He says he is worried because he feels it for me but he has felt it before and it didn't work. SO you can imagine how worried he might be. His last girlfriend was long distance and it was over 4 years ago. He has only had 4 girlfriends in his whole life. Only kissed 4 people and only been intimate with 2. His last sexual encounter was in '99. See....I have the proof that he is very slow in relationships. I think a lot of this is I just need to vent. You guys don't really have to reply if you dont want but it helps to get some of this out!!!

LeslieAGD · #8 08-11-2004, 11:35 AM

IMO, if my boyfriend and I couldn't say "I Love You" after a year together, I would question the relationship. However, we all do things in our own time.

adpialumcsuc · #9 08-11-2004, 12:27 PM

I agree with DZGirl. Having long distance relationship makes it much harder. When I met my husband he moved a lot faster than I did. He told me he loved me after about 1 month. He also asked me to move to Santa Barbara with him. That was way to early in the relationship for me.

aephi alum · #10 08-11-2004, 12:37 PM

A year sounds like an awfully long time to wait for the L-word.

My husband and I were together for 4 months before he could bring himself to tell me he loved me. He would only say that he cared about me.

I knew he loved me (and still does), but I was so hurt by the fact that he wouldn't put it into words, that I considered breaking up with him. He must have realized this, because one day he burst out with, "I love you... No, really, I mean it. I love you."

ADqtPiMel · #11 08-11-2004, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by aephi alum
He must have realized this, because one day he burst out with, "I love you... No, really, I mean it. I love you."

That's really cute.

Since it is a long-distance relationship, it seems that things would take more time than if you saw each other every day. I just hope he doesn't leave you hanging forever. I don't know if I would be too patient about it.

StumpsGirl · #12 08-11-2004, 01:03 PM

I just have a very calm feeling about everything now. Like...I just know everything will be OK. I prayed last night and simply said "God, if I am not meant to be with this man let me know something...I don't want to be hurt but I NEED to do what is Your will." I woke up this morning and I am totally fine. I am calm, I know everything is OK and I know that he is just taking his time and being sure. I appreciate everything everyone has said but I just know it's going to be OK now. I admire his honesty and his shyness is adorable. 837 miles is a loooong way and maybe he is just afraid that if he says it he will miss me more than he already does. He says "Miss you" a lot so that helps!!!!

Thanks everyone...

winneythepooh7 · #13 08-11-2004, 01:17 PM

I agree with everything that's been written, especially with being in a long-distance relationship. I also feel that since those are some very strong words, they shouldn't be said until they are actually felt because people tend to throw them back in your face if things don't work out. (I've had this happen to me several times "but you said you love me so how can you break up with me".....but that's probably a whole other thread"). I wouldn't stress over it too much, we are all different and move at our own pace. The current guy I am dating has told me he has the feelings for me and we have agreed that while we feel strongly about each other, we also need to take things at a slow pace. Neither one of us want to jump really deep into things and then end up hurt. Hope it all works out for you

Oh yeah, back to the long-distance thing, my last serious relationship started out as a long-distant one. We had only been dating about a month and he was going off to Greece in the reserves. He told me the night before he left he was in love with me but it didn't feel real and I couldn't bring myself to say it back, so no one should feel bad either if the timing is off

Too many people I think feel obligated to say it then things end up all screwy.

Munchkin03 · #14 08-11-2004, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
It's always been my policy to never, EVER say the L-word first. I don't think I ever have, just because if you say it and the other person doesn't, it sets up a really weird dynamic in the relationship -- wasn't that a Seinfeld episode once?

That happened to me once. He was all, "I love you," and I was all, "I think you're swell!" That relationship didn't work out.

I'm long-distance now, and we never had a problem saying "I love you." Dude's story got more holes than Swiss cheese.

kateshort · #15 08-12-2004, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
It's always been my policy to never, EVER say the L-word first. I don't think I ever have, just because if you say it and the other person doesn't, it sets up a really weird dynamic in the relationship -- wasn't that a Seinfeld episode once?

Yeah, but...

What happens if both of you have sworn never to say the L-word first? I mean, someone's gotta blink eventually...