Boyfriend Problems

[twhrider13]

I've been fighting with myself about my relationship with my boyfriend for some time now. I've talked to a few friends about it, but I'd like some more input, so I decided to post on here.

He and I have been together for nearly a year. He has bipolar disorder. When we first got together, he was on two types of psychiatric medication, one for mania and one for depression. One or the other of the medicines (I'm not sure which one) also helped him get to sleep at night. Shortly after he lavaliered me (sometime in March), he started not taking his medication regularly. In April, he stopped altogether. You can probably see where this is going.

He has decided that being off his medicine is "good" for him, because he can "focus better now," and he can "focus on more than one thing at a time." Herein lies the biggest problem! Yes, he can focus on 5 or 6 different things at once, but it makes him impossible to talk to, because he's always off on some tangent or another, and no one but him knows what the heck he's talking about. His mood swings are unbelievable now, and he has a real anger management problem--he yells a lot over little things. I honestly don't believe he's dangerous or anything, and the anger has never really been directed about me, but I get tired of hearing him throw things around when his computer's not working right or something. He's also kind of paranoid.

Anyway, I've tried to talk to him about going back on his medication, but he insists that he doesn't need it. (He does.) His friends have tried to talk to him about it, too, but he tells them the same thing. It's really putting a strain on our relationship, because we can't carry on a decent conversation (something that is really important to me) for his off-the-wall comments or his habit of doing something else while I'm trying to talk to him, and pretty much ignoring me altogether. I've mentioned it to him, and he will apologize, and then go right back to doing the exact same thing again the next day.

In addition to the concentration problems, the anger management problems, and the paranoia, when he stopped taking his medicine, he wasn't able to sleep well for awhile. Rather than doing the sensible thing and restarting his medication, he has proceeded to get himself addicted to over-the-counter sleeping pills. Just one more thing, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm going to try and end this rant now. I realize that wanting to stop the meds is a control issue with him, but what he doesn't realize is that he can't control a chemical imbalance in his brain through sheer force of will, no matter how much he wants to. I really do care about him, and I don't want to end the relationship, but I'm running out of ideas. I can't keep putting myself through this when I know it could be prevented. If anyone else has been through this (or even if you haven't), I'd like to have some input. Thanks!

[Peaches-n-Cream]

If he won't get help on his own, I think that you should tell his parents. He seems to be spiraling into dangerous territory. Maybe his parents can intervene and compel him to get help. This will probably make him furious, but this situation sounds desperate to me. Good luck to you.

[winneythepooh7]

If he has BPD, stopped his meds in April, and it is now June, he is heading somewhere alright-that is the hospital. I have worked with people with BPD for some time now and it is a very difficult MI to work with for all involved not just the person with the disorder. It also seems that the younger the person the more difficult it is for them to deal with. I know that he will be pissed at you because he is not on his meds and thus not thinking clearly but the best thing you can do at this point is get him hospitalized. Also after that see if there is a program in your area that can provide him case management and support services. I happen to work for one that stemmed out of Kendra's Law (don't know if other states have this law but NYS does). In any event family and friends should definately be a resource in working with your boyfriend, as should you but there are resources out there so you don't have to go through this on your own. Make sure you have a meeting with the clinical treatment team to provide him services BEFORE he leaves the hospital, otherwise this is going to be a recurring thing (and it may very well be a recurring thing even if support services are in place). There may also be family and friend support groups through local hospitals or the NAMI in your area where YOU can learn how to better cope with your boyfriend's MI and take care of YOURSELF.

[James]

If this person was not bi-polar and acted this way, what would you do? Stay or leave?

Thats your answer.

Also, you wrote a lot about he doesn't meet your needs for attention and nurturing, but how are you meeting his needs?

Do you know what his needs are? Other than being lectured about what he doesn't want to do?

[twhrider13]

Originally posted by James
If this person was not bi-polar and acted this way, what would you do? Stay or leave?

Thats your answer.

Also, you wrote a lot about he doesn't meet your needs for attention and nurturing, but how are you meeting his needs?

Do you know what his needs are? Other than being lectured about what he doesn't want to do?

You have a good point about what he wants. The answer is, I don't know, because since he stopped his meds, he's also stopped communicating with me. I do my best to do what I *think* he needs/wants, but I'm in no way a mind reader. I guess a lot of the blame can fall to me as well, because I don't talk to him like I should, mostly because almost anything can set him off at any time. When things are ok, I try to let well enough alone. And, yes, I do know how bad that philosophy is for a relationship! I just don't really know what to do at this point.

And thanks for all the advice up to this point, everyone!

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I think that you should put what you want and need before what you think he wants.

[winneythepooh7]

Originally posted by twhrider13
You have a good point about what he wants. The answer is, I don't know, because since he stopped his meds, he's also stopped communicating with me. I do my best to do what I *think* he needs/wants, but I'm in no way a mind reader. I guess a lot of the blame can fall to me as well, because I don't talk to him like I should, mostly because almost anything can set him off at any time. When things are ok, I try to let well enough alone. And, yes, I do know how bad that philosophy is for a relationship! I just don't really know what to do at this point.

And thanks for all the advice up to this point, everyone!

Just a reminder *AGAIN* that if he hasn't taken his meds in sometime there is not much of a point in trying to figure out what he wants because his mind is definately all jumbled up right now. Try to work with him and his support systems to get him treatment Then stick to it. He is going to need people who are firm with him right now and care about him.

[sororitygirl2]

You need to continue to try reasoning with him and try to get him to a therapist. If he won't cooperate, you may have to bail.

[winneythepooh7]

Originally posted by sororitygirl2
You need to continue to try reasoning with him and try to get him to a therapist. If he won't cooperate, you may have to bail.

There really is no reasoning with someone who is BP who has stopped their meds regimen for sometime. Bailing will make the situation worse because he will feel abandoned. He will be pissed because he is not currently meds compliant but I think the best bet is to get him hospitalized and stabilized. Then make sure he has support services in place after he leaves the hospital. The program I work for is an intensive case management program. We provide services to clients that are in and out of the hospital to kind of take the burden off the families and friends in a sense, as well as assure there is always someone around to advocate for them and make sure they don't fall through the cracks. Look and see if there is a program like this available in your state. On another note, how attached is this young man to you? I know of situations with BP's where they never get over someone and even "stalk" them in a sense. Just want to make you aware of this if you decide to end the relationship, he could still be in your life for some time, especially if he is not getting therapy or taking his meds.

[winneythepooh7]

I just reread my post and it sounds harsh. Just want to clarify that this is not the "norm" for BP's. But I have seen it in clients (and actually a friend of my family) who are not in treatment and getting therapy to deal with loss issues. I don't think that you should feel "guilted" into staying with him either. The friend of my family, actually the reason his wife left him was because she could not deal with his non-compliance with treatment anymore. Good luck and keep us posted. Also check out to see if there is a NAMI or similar mental health org in your area that can provide support groups to you in how to deal with your boyfriend and help him get the help he needs.

[twhrider13]

Just wanted to update. I finally got him to agree to go back to therapy. He has an appointment in July. It'll be tough to deal with him until then, but I'm going to do my best, since he did at least make the appointment. He insisted that he didn't want to go back on medication, and I told him that I only wanted him to see the psychiatrist for now (a little white lie, but we all know what the psychiatrist is going to say--GO BACK ON YOUR MEDS!). We both agreed that he would do whatever he was told by the therapist, even if it did involve meds. He complained that the medication he was on made him feel "bad," and I told him to tell the therapist, because he could go on a different brand/kind of meds. I hope this will all work out for the best, and thanks for everyone's advice!

[AGDee]

While working on inpatient psychiatric units for years, some bipolar patients expressed that they felt "bad" or "depressed" on their medications. We tried to work with them to help them realize that the high they felt when they were manic wasn't how most people feel all the time. If they were on a high for a long time, they often felt that "regular" was depressed. It was easier to keep them on meds when they swung to the depressed side, because that felt really awful to them. A lot of them were having a great time in their mania (although they were destroying their relationships, jobs, credit rating and engaging in a lot of dangerous behavior).

Dee

[pixell]

I'm glad that you two are working through this!
Good luck and keep us posted.
PM me if you ever want to talk about it! (Did you get my PM from earlier?)

[twhrider13]

Originally posted by pixell
I'm glad that you two are working through this!
Good luck and keep us posted.
PM me if you ever want to talk about it! (Did you get my PM from earlier?)

Grrrr...I have options set to alert me when I get a PM, but for some reason, it never does! Sorry about that!

Anyway, things are still going pretty well. I'm going up to visit this weekend (I have a recruitment workshop, too). We'll see how it goes.

[absolutuscchick]

Sorry in advance for the length of this entry but don't discount it because its so long!!!

Ok, well, I realize that I havent been on this website for atleast a month, but anyhow, I just wanted to weigh in about meds anyhow. I, like all of the women in my immediate family have bipolar disorder as well. While I am lucky in that I do not have major problems with paranoia and cant imagine not taking meds, I do have to say that the side effects of the meds for bipolar, pretty much ALL of them are AWFUL. Seriously awful. Some of the meds I've been on have caused: a ravenous appetite, resulting in a fifteen pound weight gain in around a month; the development of night-eating disorder (which basically meant that I sleepwalked, fell down the stairs, and also ate large quantities of food and even other odd substances...again contributing to the weight gain factor); muscle spasms so bad that I would have to lay down wherever I was (including, the middle of campus, offices, classrooms, etc.....and even then my muscles would be spasming); vision problems and extreme grogginess all the time (definitely contributing to four speeding tickets and one accident in like six monthsish); migraines; extreme jitteriness (is that a word?!!); and of course, sleeping 12 hours a night (not just sleeping but like PASSING OUT); and some side effects I'm just not going to go into right here. It's a rough disease. The side effects are so bad that I pretty much think about not taking my meds every day. But when I skip, even for a day (for example two nights ago I had a migraine and was throwing up uncontrollably for around eight hours....so it really wasnt an option to take my meds) I realize just how moody I was because I end up crying, irritable, depressed, not wanting to go out, hating my life, or just totally unreasonable. I'm lucky that I notice this I guess, but it is really a hard thing to deal with. I've been trying to hone in on the right meds for almost two years now, and its been really tough...for example, right now, alot of the negative side effects have gone away but I get headaches every single day and migraines atleast once a week. And all these side effects that I get pretty much go away if I don't take the meds. So it's a constant struggle. But it's really important to get a GOOD PSYCHIATRIST....and they are few and far between. It may take a while to find one that is willing to thoroughly work with him, and try to make his quality of life as good as it can possibly be.
And yes, I do also agree to a large extent with winneythepooh7 in that when you first go on meds for it, the idea that the mania is going away IS awful. I can't even tell you how much I miss being able to stay up all night and study nonstop and have an awesome retention of everything, going out every night, soooo happy, and just up for pretty much anything. But it's hard as hell to deal with someone who is not properly medicated. Even though a person may not have a rapid cycling form of bipolar (basically that just means that you go from depression to mania on more of a few times a week to a few times every two monthsish....or atleast that's my understanding), both the mania and the depression will definitely tend to result in alot of moodiness.
I think it's soooooo awesome though that you are willing to keep with the relationship and get him help. That's such an amazing thing. He may not appreciate it now, but in the future, once he's back on his meds, I think he reallly, really, will (I know I certainly would), because you can find plenty more people that are willing to stick with you in the good than when the going get's rough. A great deal of people (like, for example, James) will bail. You are definitely an awesome person for sticking with him and trying to get him help, and I can't even tell you how great that is.
Well, good luck with everything....and pm me if you have any questions!!!!
<3
Rachel