Men and Women - Inherently Dysfunctional?

sororitygirl2 · #1 05-04-2004, 01:35 AM

Lately, from all of my experiences and observations, I am beginning to wonder - is this the case? Or is it just that I am too young and the men I associate with have not matured enough to work through the issues that arise in a relationship? (Sorry to blame the men, but really...) It just seems to me that the women I know are willing to invest time and effort into relationships, whereas the men just seem more likely to bail.

Is the human race doomed? Somebody please offer some encouraging words... I'm awfully down about this right now!

swissmiss04 · #2 05-04-2004, 09:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by sororitygirl2
Lately, from all of my experiences and observations, I am beginning to wonder - is this the case? Or is it just that I am too young and the men I associate with have not matured enough to work through the issues that arise in a relationship? (Sorry to blame the men, but really...) It just seems to me that the women I know are willing to invest time and effort into relationships, whereas the men just seem more likely to bail.

Is the human race doomed? Somebody please offer some encouraging words... I'm awfully down about this right now!

I totally understand where you're coming from. People our age (early 20s) are usually sort of dysfunctional in the sense that they are still growing and learning the ropes of the world. Unfortunately we stick our hands in too many pots and our relationships suffer for it.
I'm not trying to rest the blame solely on you, because it takes two to tango and it takes TWO people to make a relationship work or fail. Maybe you should step back or enlist an objective friend to analyze your past few relationships. What is something you consistently do? Find a pattern. Then see if this pattern is healthy. It could even be the types of guys you choose that's a problem. I know lots of guys who have gone to great lengths to make a relationship work, while their girlfriend isn't contributing a darn thing.
It comes down to this: as much as we hate to admit it, at our age we are not ready for a serious long term commitment, but yet we're programmed to believe we are. This is our time to live, to experience, to experiment. If a relationship has lots of issues to work through, it generally means it's not meant to be. You will find that special someone. It could be tomorrow. It could be five years from now. When it happens, you'll realize all the heartache was worth it!

PlymouthDZ · #3 05-04-2004, 10:18 AM

I took a class last semester that a part of it talked about issue between males and females.

I'm going to go with a YES on the inherently dysfuntional question. And my reason is.. men and women communicate in different ways and have different needs. (Different inherent needs) The reason men and women have issues is because of those different needs. Let me see if I can find this "cheat sheet" we got on the differences I mentioned. After reading it.. LOTS of things made a lot more sense to me.

Don't worry.. it is not just you!!!

cashmoney · #4 05-04-2004, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sororitygirl2
Lately, from all of my experiences and observations, I am beginning to wonder - is this the case? Or is it just that I am too young and the men I associate with have not matured enough to work through the issues that arise in a relationship? (Sorry to blame the men, but really...) It just seems to me that the women I know are willing to invest time and effort into relationships, whereas the men just seem more likely to bail.

Is the human race doomed? Somebody please offer some encouraging words... I'm awfully down about this right now!

This may sound a little wierd coming from me but here goes:

After observing couples who have made thing work and stuck things out (my parents, other friends who are married, long term couples of 5+ years) I've realized something. Usually the couples who seem to be working, somebody in that relationship has given something up inorder to attain that "picture perfect" relationship. Either it was something along the lines of one of the two could have landed someone who looked a whole lot better but chose the one who would make the best long term companion OR one of the two had enough money to where the other puts up with the other's shit inorder to stay together and have a good life. Somehwere along the line somebody has to give something up. Thats why you don't see couples out there who are both hotties and who are both rich and actually last through 20+ yrs of marriage. I guess people fall into one of two categories, 1: those who want the 20+ years of togetherness and will do what it takes to achieve that or 2: Those who don't care about it enough and just go with the flow.

This idea may sound a little out there, but it's definitely not just the men who are more willing to bail than women. I, personally, know a lot of women who have bailed on men. I highly doubt one sex is more likely to bail than the other. I firmly believe its a commitment thing. I think there are people out there who feel trapped when a relationship hits a certain point and the only way to rid themselves of that feeling is to bail out. Seriously, think about....In each of our lives we've had someone talk that "crazy-pyscho" talk where the other person says they want to marry you or can't be with anyone else or blah blah blah blah blah. And, somewhere along the line you've been that crazy person too. Whether or not you actually said that crazy stuff or were thinking it is irrelevant. Fact is, it crossed your mind. And when that happens you/they start acting differently in the relationship....to the point where shit starts feeling too serious. And if both of you don't feel the same way...what happens? You break up.

What people need to understand is, take shit for what it is. Once you can learn to do that, your relationships will be so much better. You wont be stressing out over shit. You wont be checking up on them. You wont be second guessing yourself. You wont be trying to interpret the other's actions. You wont be reading too deep into what they do/say. Trust me, it'll be alot better.

Craig

swissmiss04 · #5 05-04-2004, 07:48 PM

Wow. I used to not like you, but after that post you've redeemed yourself.

Yes relationships are about sacrifice. But don't you think that in good relationships *both* parties must sacrifice something? Are you saying only person should or both? Too much sacrifice makes you bitter and unfulfilled. Too little means you're not putting yourself into it like you should. One sided relationships are baaaaad news.

sororitygirl2 · #6 05-04-2004, 08:26 PM

Thanks for your comments, guys! I know I was being a little bitter in the original post, and I know I have been to blame for problems in some of my relationships (and, yeah, I've taken the easy way out and bailed on guys before too - maybe unfairly). I guess I just had a certain someone in mind and was overgeneralizing. I am having a good day today and just saying F**K IT in reference to him and the situation.

I do think there is some validity to my dysfunctional theory though... There is obviously a problem, which is depicted in many ways (i.e. divorce rates). Speaking of which, does anyone know about what "divorce" rates are for same-sex life partners? Maybe it's just that people are dysfunctional together, not just men and women.

Maybe I could get a grant from Harvard or something to research on male-female relations? (They could pay for all my going out - in the name of science...)

DGqueen17 · #7 05-04-2004, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by cashmoney

What people need to understand is, take shit for what it is. Once you can learn to do that, your relationships will be so much better. You wont be stressing out over shit. You wont be checking up on them. You wont be second guessing yourself. You wont be trying to interpret the other's actions. You wont be reading too deep into what they do/say. Trust me, it'll be alot better.

See I think that is what causes me problems. I don't read into things guys say. I believe what they tell me. I don't ask for details.

Like with Navy boy.....I was like hey I'm kick ass maybe this dude does love me after a few weeks.....and I end up fucked and not in the good way.

Sometimes you HAVE to read into stuff a little deeper.

sororitygirl2 · #8 05-04-2004, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DGqueen17
Sometimes you HAVE to read into stuff a little deeper.

I agree with you, but I also really agree with Craig. See, my last relationship was the first one where I just took it for what it was - didn't think about the future, didn't read into it everytime he talked about it, etc... And it was great to be able to be so relaxed and to not feel like my happiness for the rest of my life hinged on what happened with this guy - to just enjoy him and what we had, you know? To think about him as my "current boyfriend" rather than a potential husband, or whatever.

Granted, things didn't work out and I am a little discouraged by that, but I am taking it better than when some past relationships have ended. Despite the fact that I was not planning a future, I did value his company and it's almost always sad when relationships change/come to an end, no matter whose choice it is or if it needed to happen.

Anyway, Craig knows his s**t, even if he doesn't always practice what he preaches!

cashmoney · #9 05-04-2004, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by swissmiss04
Wow. I used to not like you, but after that post you've redeemed yourself.

Yes relationships are about sacrifice. But don't you think that in good relationships *both* parties must sacrifice something? Are you saying only person should or both? Too much sacrifice makes you bitter and unfulfilled. Too little means you're not putting yourself into it like you should. One sided relationships are baaaaad news.

Well, in most "good" relationships I think both parties should....but thats not always the case. In a sense I think both do, but usually one person ends up sacrificing more than the other. Thats just how things work.

cashmoney · #10 05-04-2004, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sororitygirl2

Anyway, Craig knows his s**t, even if he doesn't always practice what he preaches!

Hey, nobody is perfect. Just because you know what you should do doesnt mean that you'll do it.

DGqueen17 · #11 05-04-2004, 10:01 PM

I've just given up on guys. Fuck it, just party and go home alone.

AchtungBaby80 · #12 05-04-2004, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sororitygirl2
And it was great to be able to be so relaxed and to not feel like my happiness for the rest of my life hinged on what happened with this guy - to just enjoy him and what we had, you know? To think about him as my "current boyfriend" rather than a potential husband, or whatever.

That's good.

sororitygirl2 · #13 05-04-2004, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DGqueen17
I've just given up on guys. Fuck it, just party and go home alone.

Sounds good to me, except that going home alone part... it's just such a lonely way to wake up.

DGqueen17 · #14 05-04-2004, 10:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sororitygirl2
Sounds good to me, except that going home alone part... it's just such a lonely way to wake up.

I know right, you get use to it.

sororitygirl2 · #15 05-04-2004, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DGqueen17
I know right, you get use to it.

Well, it's been a few weeks of a big empty bed for me, and it is getting easier - although I still miss him as I fall asleep and wake up. Maybe I don't miss him... maybe just the idea of him, of having somebody.

I hope I get used to it quick!!!