GOOFY QUOTES

[MeezDiscreet]

i got these from a website with Jack Handy quotes (i read them whenever i need a good laugh)...ya'll have any other goofy ones?

• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
  
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
  
• A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
  
• If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
  
• Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
  
• I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
  
• I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
  
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
  
• If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
  
• If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
  
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
  
• As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
  
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason
  
• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
  
• Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
  
• He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
  
• As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
  
• Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
  
• The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
  
• When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
  
• Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
  
• If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
  
• The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
  
• I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
  
• A good idea would be to carry around two bags-one in each hand. That way, when someone asks you to give them a hand with something, you can say "sorry, i got these bags."

[CRMSNTiDEGRL717]

those were so freaking odd, i just HAD to snicker

[This message has been edited by CRMSNTiDEGRL717 (edited July 11, 2001).]

[SweetestDiva]

Originally posted by MeezDiscreet:
[*]The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

LMAO!!

[KSig RC]

some more from Jack Handy -

- I think that if you have an old mine shaft, you shouldn't just abandon it - there has to be a better way.

-What would cause a man to dive into a river after a solid-gold baby? I guess we'll never know.

-To me, there's nothing better than laying out on a warm spring day, with ducks flying overhead, a beautiful sunset, and children playing. Oh yeah, and you're drunk.

-My favorite uncle of all was Uncle Caveman. Us kids used to go up and play in his cave, and hang around and watch him. Every once in a while, he'd eat one of us. Later we found out he was a bear.

-I think a really sad story would be one about a clown that makes people laugh, but inside he's really sad. Oh yeah, and he has diarrhea.

[KSig RC]

some more from Jack Handy -

- I think that if you have an old mine shaft, you shouldn't just abandon it - there has to be a better way.

-What would cause a man to dive into a river after a solid-gold baby? I guess we'll never know.

-To me, there's nothing better than laying out on a warm spring day, with ducks flying overhead, a beautiful sunset, and children playing. Oh yeah, and you're drunk.

-My favorite uncle of all was Uncle Caveman. Us kids used to go up and play in his cave, and hang around and watch him. Every once in a while, he'd eat one of us. Later we found out he was a bear.

-I think a really sad story would be one about a clown that makes people laugh, but inside he's really sad. Oh yeah, and he has diarrhea.

[SigmaChiCard]

some non Jack Handy

"No poor dumb bastard ever won a war by dying for his country,
he won by making some other dumb bastard die for his" -General Patton

"Divorce is the way to tear out a man's genitals through his wallet" -robbin williams

[Tom Earp]

Quotes by me:

If wishes were shicken shit, I would have a chicken coop full.

In every life a little rain must fall, but once in a while you would think there would be a silver lining on the out house wall.

I have a mind set of 24, but I have a body clock of 124.
These are what I call Earpisms. Thank you and good night Gracie!!!!!!!

My Death as reported has been greatly exagerated rated- Mark Twain (or something like that) LOL

------------------
Tom Earp LX Z#1
Pittsburg State U. (Kansas)

[mattpike]

bump. i know its stupid but i cant stop laughing at it. i just had to share it with yall.