Sparks on the first date

alikat2 · #1 03-13-2004, 11:23 AM

I went on a blind date last night--the brother of one of the girls I work with--and though he was very nice, I just wasn't feeling any real sparks. I mean, I RARELY do on the first date. It's only happened twice that I can remember, and the second time was a guy I'd known a long time anyway.

If you don't feel any huge fireworks on the first date, do you think it pretty much means there's no chemistry? I've continued to date guys I've liked, but not LIKED, if you know what I mean, and I've been told I lead people on because of it.

I just think sometimes it takes a while for feelings/attraction/whatever to develop and you need to give things more of a chance.

What do you all think?

valkyrie · #2 03-13-2004, 02:33 PM

If I don't feel intense, amazing sparks right away, I wouldn't bother with the guy. It sounds harsh, but even the most intense feelings in the world fade a bit after you've been with someone for a while -- I wouldn't want to start off not having very much chemistry. I know that many women have serious, long term relationships with guys they weren't really into at first and the attraction had to develop over time, but I could never do it.

PM_Mama00 · #3 03-13-2004, 02:40 PM

There's been guys I've hung out with and thought nothign of, and then they grow on me. Maybe go on a 2nd and see what happens then. If nothing, but you still think he's cool, be like "I think you're awesome, but I don't feel the sparks (or whatever word) but we should still hang out sometime". Maybe a relationship wouldn't work out, but you never know if he may grow on you. Just don't keep goin on dates with him cuz yeah that is kinda leading him on.

James · #4 03-13-2004, 02:50 PM

I'm with Vlakyrie on this one. Most of us like pretty easily and casually so if there aren't some serious sparks right away you know there is something not quite right.

You can grow to be fond of people, you can grow to be quite fond and love people with a deep connection, but thats different froma true romantic love as we normally think about it.

Like Valkyrie I know a lot of people that do it like that because its comfortable and safer, or the initial romantic relationship turned into that kind of routine affection, but thats certainly not the kind of love affair the Poets will write about.

Its like my "methadone theory" of comfortable relationships, but thats another thread.

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
If I don't feel intense, amazing sparks right away, I wouldn't bother with the guy. It sounds harsh, but even the most intense feelings in the world fade a bit after you've been with someone for a while -- I wouldn't want to start off not having very much chemistry. I know that many women have serious, long term relationships with guys they weren't really into at first and the attraction had to develop over time, but I could never do it.

PM_Mama00 · #5 03-13-2004, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James

You can grow to be fond of people, you can grow to be quite fond and love people with a deep connection, but thats different froma true romantic love as we normally think about it.

I know a lot of people who didn't feel anything the first times. One couple is married and she couldn't stand her husband for like almost 8 years before they were together. One couple I'm sure will get married, and I know a few others that are like that, so it's not that abnormal for someone to grow on you.

James · #6 03-13-2004, 03:21 PM

If you lock two people that hate eachother in the same room they will eventually start liking each other or at least feeling a deep bond. Its a species survival state.

Many arranged marriages grew into a deep connection, something we might call love.

But maybe thats a little different than the fireworks of genuine deep passionate romantic love?

Why not opt for both? But generally the romantic love comes first.

Quote:

Originally posted by PM_Mama00
I know a lot of people who didn't feel anything the first times. One couple is married and she couldn't stand her husband for like almost 8 years before they were together. One couple I'm sure will get married, and I know a few others that are like that, so it's not that abnormal for someone to grow on you.

PM_Mama00 · #7 03-13-2004, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
If you lock two people that hate eachother in the same room they will eventually start liking each other or at least feeling a deep bond. Its a species survival state.

Many arranged marriages grew into a deep connection, something we might call love.

But maybe thats a little different than the fireworks of genuine deep passionate romantic love?

Why not opt for both? But generally the romantic love comes first.

Uhhh these people were in no way forced to be around each other. My best friend hung out with her now boyfriend, but had no feelings for him. Now both of them are absolutely in love with each other. So, I don't get what ur saying has to do with my post?

veemers · #8 03-13-2004, 03:40 PM

I think it depends on who you are. I believe in true love. I believe in sparks. I believe in love at first sight. So I'm not going to become romantically involved with someone when I don't feel something right away.

I have a friend who is the opposite. She believes that love is just finding someone with whom you are compatible. She also believes that a relationship grows and develops over the years.

Is it really so wrong to have it both ways here?

ETA: Or any sort of any way? Huh?

PM_Mama00 · #9 03-13-2004, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by veemers
I think it depends on who you are. I believe in true love. I believe in sparks. I believe in love at first sight. So I'm not going to become romantically involved with someone when I don't feel something right away.

I have a friend who is the opposite. She believes that love is just finding someone with whom you are compatible. She also believes that a relationship grows and develops over the years.

Is it really so wrong to have it both ways here?

ETA: Or any sort of any way? Huh?

I agree with you that there are two ways of thinking and it depends on both people. I believe in love at first sight, and I also believe in a growing relationship.

dzsaigirl · #10 03-14-2004, 10:17 PM

I actually tried to avoid my husband when I first met him. Although, the second I laid eyes on him something told me that he would be significant to me in some way...

He tried to get me to go out with him for a whole year before I agreed to. He asked me out successfully on a day that I had just gotten over food poisoning, had no makeup on and a huge zit on my chin...I was powerless to say no to a nice guy that would ask me out under those circumstances. The date was actually a month later (we both went out of town on vacations - it was the summer), but the sparks then were amazing.

You really never know.

(But then he still might eff up your laundry...see my laundry thread

)

#11 03-15-2004, 01:11 PM

Interestingly, all of the "bad" relationships I've had started off with big-time sparks... and all of the serious relationships I've had started off with little or no sparks.

I think it's just a matter of what you want the relationship to be. If you're looking for someone to mess around with and go out to parties... well, then if there are no sparks, that's not going to be much fun.

But if you want someone who you can be close to emotionally, and maybe have a long term relationship with... give it a while. When I first met my fiance, I didn't have any sparks. There were a few things about him that were on my "I don't date..." list (ie. smoking, etc.) But as I learned more about him and got to know him better... I began to like (and eventually love) him for who he was, rather than just for arm candy.

alikat2 · #12 03-15-2004, 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Hootie

I've realized that sometimes I get too into a guy (have the spark) and ignore the signs that show that he's not a good match. So for me, I look for smaller sparks that could lead to a big bang

[/B]

Yes! Well, that's definitely me!!

valkyrie · #13 03-15-2004, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ginger
I think it's just a matter of what you want the relationship to be. If you're looking for someone to mess around with and go out to parties... well, then if there are no sparks, that's not going to be much fun.

But if you want someone who you can be close to emotionally, and maybe have a long term relationship with... give it a while.

Maybe I'm odd (yeah, maybe) but when I'm getting into a serious relationship, I expect to have sparks and be close to him emotionally.

#14 03-15-2004, 02:16 PM

I do too, V

I'm just saying that sometimes it takes time for those sparks to develop... if she's looking for a serious relationship, she's got to invest the time to see if there's anything there.

valkyrie · #15 03-15-2004, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ginger
I do too, V I'm just saying that sometimes it takes time for those sparks to develop... if she's looking for a serious relationship, she's got to invest the time to see if there's anything there.

LOL, I think I'm more like a guy when it comes to relationships, or something. I've never had sparks develop for anyone if they weren't there from the start.