Advise if you wish, or just "listen" and comment.

MTSUGURL · #1 02-18-2004, 03:22 AM

So, I told the guy I've been in love with for years that, well, I've been in love with him for years. I know he doesn't want to be with me, which sucks because I've wanted so badly to be with him for years, but basically get-overable. I agreed to go out with a couple of guys I've been blowing off for a while (yes I know I'm and evil mean girl and blowing the guys off wasn't nice) and now they won't go away. I can't get rid of the guys I don't want, and I can't get the ones I want. Life is so frustrating. I'm kind of getting to the point that I'm thinking this is as good as it gets, and I should just get back together with the ex that actually wants me... I'm not terribly crazy about him, but he's so persistant and he really does love me. I'm considering giving him another chance. I know I can make him happy, and I keep thinking that I can grow to love him. Grrr.

UKDaisy · #2 02-18-2004, 04:07 AM

Oh honey.... you sound like me!!!!!

I recently told my ex-bf, that i talked to daily, that I loved him and I thought we had worked on our issues. He didn't think so. So now, here I am thinking.....this is it....this is the best it gets. I'll have the guys I don't want - and I have to get used to that.

But then I hear your story..... and I just want to tell you, it has to get better somehow! Before I"d rush back to my ex....I'd really think about what you want. My best friend told me "you need to be picky"...and its true. Dont' assume you'll fall in love with your ex....

Life is not easy right now for me either. This whole being single thing is so new to me. But as much as I hate it.....something good has got to come from it. So stay strong.... and maybe Mr.Right will come around the corner.....instead of Mr. MaybeRIghtbutWe'reNotforSure .

Here's the Southern Belle's Handbook guide to life. This is my favorite quote....

Rule 103. - You can't hold on to a dead relationship, but remember what Ralph Waldo Emerson said "When half-gods go/ The gods arrive."

So your god is on the way.... but don't settle for a half-god.

G8Ralphaxi · #3 02-18-2004, 05:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by MTSUGURL
I'm not terribly crazy about him, but he's so persistant and he really does love me. I'm considering giving him another chance. I know I can make him happy, and I keep thinking that I can grow to love him. Grrr.

One of the cruelest things I ever did was date a guy just because he liked me. "B" was a great guy, intelligent, well-mannered, etc. When I met him, I had just been through a terrible breakup (we're talking major, cataclysmic soap opera here) and then a period of being really lonely. And he was a "nice guy" - a safe guy that wouldn't hurt me like my last boyfriend.

At first it was great. B showered me with affection. Always there for me. Never a negative thought or word. Full of compliments. I apparently was the most beautiful, smartest, funniest, most amazing girl ever to walk the face of the earth. And the attention was great. B was the perfect boyfriend.

Except for the fact that I just wasn't there. I would respond to him and smile and say "aw, thanks" when he did sweet stuff. But really I was just saying what I thought he wanted to hear - what a "good girlfriend" should say. But I just felt detached from it all. I can be a bitterly cynical and sarcastic person sometimes - that's how I relieve stress - and that didn't fit in B's little Camelot relationship he'd created. Whenever I said anything even slightly sarcastic, B would just ignore it. I started feeling trapped.

Then B starts talking about really serious stuff - most alarmingly about engagement rings! Telling me about the heirloom rings his family had that he could choose from to give his future wife!!! We'd been together less than 2 months! I was thinking more and more than we weren't on the same wavelength, and B thought he'd found his soulmate. He kept trying to say stuff that sounded dangerously close to the "L" word and I would always interrupt or change the subject to avoid having him say he loved me and then I would be forced to either lie or not say it back and hurt him.

I started pulling away, trying to spend less time with him for a few days so I could sort out in my head what to do. B realized something was wrong and came over, and we had The Talk. I tried to explain that I just needed space but it came out wrong. He got upset and I realized that I was being cruel by dragging this out any longer. So I told him I was so sorry and broke him with him.

He was CRUSHED. He never saw it coming. How could he have? I acted like I was perfectly satisfied. I felt like the meanest, most evil person in the whole world. I tried to talk to him a while after that, but things were always awkward.

OK, the POINT of my long rambling confessional here is that you should not date someone just because they like you. That is not enough. You have to like them back. It is very rare that you can "grow to like someone." Whenever one person is more emotionally attached in a relationship than the other it can cause problems, especially the more lopsided the feelings are. It sounds to me that this guy is really nuts about you, and that's great, but if you don't return that, you will just be torturing him. Because if it turns out later that you can't grow to love him, it will hurt him worse than if you never gave him that false hope in the first place.

I like what UKDaisy said - don't settle. Everyone deserves true happiness, and you can't get that by giving up and accepting "Mr. Almost-Right."

alikat2 · #4 02-18-2004, 12:41 PM

I would say that G8Ralphaxi said it better than I ever could. When you date guys that you're not crazy about, but who REALLY like you, it can usually only end one way: You both get hurt.

A friend once told me sometimes "you need to use someone to get over someone else." i.e, you've had a horrible break-up and just need to be with someone, anyone, until you forget. DON'T DO IT. PLEASE.

Believe me, it's better to be alone than with the wrong guy.

astroAPhi · #5 02-18-2004, 02:02 PM

I wouldn't go back to your ex unless you are absolutely 100% sure you care for him. I've gotten back with exes and it's been nothing but trouble.

I guess the only thing I can tell you is that if you know you don't care for someone, there's nothing you can do that will force you to like them. However, if you're not sure how you feel, I don't see anything wrong in "giving it a chance". But you don't have to give the guy 10 chances. If sparks don't fly, tell him you had a nice time but you're just not interested. I once had a guy who was super interested in me and at first I was like, meh, no thanks. I did date him, but not until after I was definitely interested in him. But I can tell you that it wasn't that stellar of a relationship either and I think I just liked the company after awhile.

Your mileage may of course vary, but all we as people can really rely on is personal experience.

Good luck moving on. And good luck shaking off the unwanted ones.

AchtungBaby80 · #6 02-18-2004, 05:56 PM

Please, please don't...if you don't like him, you don't like him. This isn't as good as it gets. I realize this is the pot calling the kettle black here, but don't date a guy just because he likes you--you'll get tired of the charade after a while, but by then you'll be in so far that it'll be hard to break free. Run! Now!

PS. I know it says in "Valley of the Dolls" that actually finding a guy who loves you is good enough, even if you don't love him...but that was written in the '60s.

Optimist Prime · #7 02-18-2004, 09:14 PM

Don't settle. Get over the for years guy. That's why its called a crush. You get crushed by it. Listen to music in the breakup song thread and you'll be okay. Then, with your new emotional freedom, you'll someone you like that likes you back. Or you could be a stripper. The magic eight ball I use to write posts with said "not sure, check back later."

MTSUGURL · #8 02-18-2004, 09:35 PM

Thanks y'all. I appreciate the input. I'm not getting back with the ex - I reminded myself of the stuff that caused me to end the relationship, and that, coupled with your too-true comments of it not being fair to him or myself was enough.

As for shaking off the guys I don't want, my mother keeps telling me that I don't have to offer explanations if I don't want to see them, that I'm perfectly entitled to "just say no", but for some reason I always feel the need to explain anyway.

Yall are awesome! Oh - and if you get a clear answer from the magic 8 ball let me know...

James · #9 02-19-2004, 12:06 AM

You need to get out more and meet more people. Stop taking to your Ex's also. If there wasn't something wrong with them, they wouldn't be Ex's.

Its not a good thing to Walk into the Future Backwards.

Quote:

Originally posted by MTSUGURL
So, I told the guy I've been in love with for years that, well, I've been in love with him for years. I know he doesn't want to be with me, which sucks because I've wanted so badly to be with him for years, but basically get-overable. I agreed to go out with a couple of guys I've been blowing off for a while (yes I know I'm and evil mean girl and blowing the guys off wasn't nice) and now they won't go away. I can't get rid of the guys I don't want, and I can't get the ones I want. Life is so frustrating. I'm kind of getting to the point that I'm thinking this is as good as it gets, and I should just get back together with the ex that actually wants me... I'm not terribly crazy about him, but he's so persistant and he really does love me. I'm considering giving him another chance. I know I can make him happy, and I keep thinking that I can grow to love him. Grrr.

alikat2 · #10 02-19-2004, 01:38 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by MTSUGURL

As for shaking off the guys I don't want, my mother keeps telling me that I don't have to offer explanations if I don't want to see them, that I'm perfectly entitled to "just say no", but for some reason I always feel the need to explain anyway.

Me too. But the explanations always hurt......i.e., I'm not attracted to you. I don't know, that seems so cruel.

James · #11 02-19-2004, 02:06 AM

I would generally say: "Its not you its me." And refuse to elaborate.

Quote:

Originally posted by alikat2
Me too. But the explanations always hurt......i.e., I'm not attracted to you. I don't know, that seems so cruel.

sororitygirl2 · #12 02-19-2004, 03:24 AM

Don't be with someone just because it's easy - in the end, you will not be happy and you will have to end it eventually anyway (unless you are okay with spending the rest of your life as an unsatisfied, bitter woman and making everyone around you miserable - in which case, go for it). Seriously, it's just not nice to the guy.

Don't settle - there will always be more guys. Just because it's a dry spell, it doesn't mean there won't eventually be a flood.

AchtungBaby80 · #13 02-19-2004, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by MTSUGURL
As for shaking off the guys I don't want, my mother keeps telling me that I don't have to offer explanations if I don't want to see them, that I'm perfectly entitled to "just say no", but for some reason I always feel the need to explain anyway.

Never explain if you can get away with just saying no!

Sometimes there are people who will not let it go unless they receive a lengthy explanation from you as to why s/he is not good enough for your company, but you shouldn't have to do that...you're not on trial here. I think when people demand explanations, it just makes things worse and they end up hating you when they hear what you have to say, even though they asked for it.

GeekyPenguin · #14 02-19-2004, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
You need to get out more and meet more people. Stop taking to your Ex's also. If there wasn't something wrong with them, they wouldn't be Ex's.

Its not a good thing to Walk into the Future Backwards.

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with remaining friends with ex-boyfriends - it's when you take it further that problems start.

I don't believe in settling - ever. I also think it's horribly cruel to use people as a rebound. There's nothing I would have loved more these last few months than some random guy to cheer me up, but that wouldn't be fair to him at all, thinking I was interested when all I wanted was to feel attractive again.

ADPiAkron · #15 02-19-2004, 01:22 PM

Ok first off you are making your self sound like you HAVE TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND! No one needs to HAVVVVE a boyfriend at all times. I was once like that and had the sammmmmme exact problems. Getting asked out by boys I did not like, meeting the wrong type of guys, dating and hurting guys just because I felt better if I was at least dating someone, etc. I was told when you stop looking for a guy, it will begin to rain men- and the good type of men at that! Well so I stopped looking and started spending more time with friends and about after a month or so of not looking my current boyfriend came to be!! He asked me out and we have been together for a year and a half now! So just sit back and wait-- Prince Charming will eventually ride in on his white horse-- just be patient!! Best of luck!!

PS: I was not trying to be mean in any way! Hope you take this as a positive piece of advice!!