I really hate to bum this thread out.... but I need some advice

adpishan · #1 12-03-2003, 05:07 PM

Where to start....
My husband and I received a 6:30am wake-up call from my sister-in-law saying that their dad had committed suicide. (My husband has not had a close relationship with his father at all. The last time he saw his dad was when he was 18.) My husband seemed to be doing okay after the phone call, but when I talked to him on his way to work, nothing I said got much of a response.
I can imagine how hard this must be, and I understand that no matter the relationship, it is still his dad. My husband is really shaken up by the way it was done and I just really want to be able to console him. Since we have been together, there has unfortunatly been some deaths in both of our families, but nothing like this.
Basically I want to know if there is anything that I can do besides just be there. I was wondering if anyone has dealt with this our maybe can just tell me what the best thing to do is.
We cannot afford to fly out to Tennesse for the funeral and I am not sure if there will even be one. I don't think my husband would even want to go. Just a pre-thanks for anyone who responds.

Shannon

jh124 · #2 12-03-2003, 05:28 PM

I'm so sorry! Even if your DH and his dad weren't close, it's still hard to lose a parent. Especially given the circumstances. It's not uncommon for there to be feelings of guilt - "If I had called, would that have made a difference?" Your husband may feel bad that they weren't able to heal the rift.

I don't have any great advice. Be there for your husband. Give him extra hugs. Make him his favorite dinner. If you notice a pattern of withdrawal over the next weeks/months, see if you can get him professional help. It might be nice for him to talk to someone who's an unrelated third party. I don't know how old you are (still in a university environment), but there are many community programs for assistance, and most universities offer counseling programs to the community with a sliding scale for payment.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I hope your husband is feeling better soon.

honeychile · #3 12-03-2003, 10:02 PM

Shannon, I've pm'd you. If there's anything that any of us can do, please let us know. Most airlines offer bereavement rates, in case you decide to go.

God bless you, your husband, his family. It's a rough time of year for people who get depressed - be gentle to yourselves.

ASUADPi · #4 12-04-2003, 12:45 AM

Shannon, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I wish I could offer you some sound advice, but I can't. I've never experienced a death quite like that. The only thing I can even attempt to say is just remind your husband everyday how much you love him and how grateful you are to have him in your life. Let him know that if he needs to talk you will be ready and willing no matter what the time or day.
I repeat Honeychile's sentiment, if there is anything we can do please don't hesitate
Brianna

adpishan · #5 12-04-2003, 03:09 PM

Thanks everyone!

My husband talked to his brother and they do not think that there will be a funeral. If anything it will be my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and sister-in-law and that is it. Mr. adpishan is just very concerned on finding out why. They hadn't talked in about 5 or 6 months(but that was better than once ever three years). He doesn't work today and has his bowling league tonight, so maybe it will help him relax and get back into the things he does all the time.

Again thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts!!!!

adpishan · #6 12-13-2003, 01:49 AM

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. My husband seems to be doing better and is looking forward to receiving the flag (his dad was in the navy). We did not make it out to TN, but he is okay with that. I hope everyone has a safe holiday season. Take care and hug everyone in your family!!!!

honeychile · #7 12-13-2003, 12:03 PM

Shannon, I'm so glad that your hubby's doing okay!

My daddy was a veteran, too, and we had "Taps" and the flag on his casket. It is VERY moving! If you'd like the words that go with the passing of the flag, I'll look for them (my computer room is in chaos, with everything being moved around right now!).

WLFEO · #8 02-01-2004, 08:05 PM

How's everything now? Is your husband doing better? I have been thinking about you.

adpishan · #9 02-02-2004, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by WLFEO
How's everything now? Is your husband doing better? I have been thinking about you.

Thank you very much!!! My husband and his siblings have been working hard to take care of loose ends, so I think that has helped him deal. He is still mad at his dad for the way he went, but I thinkk that might not ever totally go away.

We did receive the flag and now he is waiting for his dad's uniform.

Thanks to all that have been thinking about us.