Inlawitus

[miss priss]

On the last day of the year my dear old mother-in-law made me so mad that I didn't want to be around people esp. during the New Year church service. Even though church is our refuge (and boy did I feel better after going) I am still biting my tongue because she is getting on my LAST nerve. So, I read this article and thought wow, couldn't newlyweds benefit from this.

Surviving the 'in-laws'
By SIANA SCATTI

They say that when you marry you don't wed your spouse, but rather your spouse's family and, for many, this extended family brings a wealth of support, friendships and love.

If you are unlucky, however, in-laws can be the bane of your life.

If you're out of luck, they can bring about many frosty times with your partner, who may have vowed to love you forever - but that's as long as you don't mention Aunt Maude's flatulence or Uncle Ron's appalling drink-induced jokes.

Heaven forbid that you react badly to your father-in-law's snide comments about the wondrous house-painting job that you've spent your entire holiday doing and how he could have done it better in a third of the time.

And how about the mother-in-law who cannot help herself and continually gives advice on child-rearing and always adds the cutting: "You're only making a rod for your own back" to each gem she offers that is politely declined.

Annoying in-laws put a very bad strain upon a marriage if your spouse cannot see them through anything but rose-coloured glasses.

Remember, however, they have been the loving influence upon your spouse for their entire lives and, as such, deserve credit for how your beloved has turned out.

They may be old, meddling fuddy-duddies (in your eyes) but you have been given the responsibility of making their loved child, even a 40-year-old, happy and content. That means not upsetting your partner by ridiculing or being rude to them.

If your in-laws harp on about things not being done the way they would have done it or to their level of expectation, don't fire up. They have different attitudes and, when it comes down to it, only want the best for their offspring.

Stay calm and, if you have to say something, gently suggest that not everyone thinks along the same lines. But don't buy into an argument.

While parents-in-law may be the main cause of aggravation, the brothers and sisters of your spouse can cause upheavals as well.

Petty jealousies that stem from childhood can rear their ugly heads if one sibling seems to be doing better than another and woe-betide the family's tallest poppy. The sniping and back-stabbing can be brutal.

Sisters can be the best of friends, or the worst of rivals, and no matter how much one moans or criticises the other the safest option is to keep quiet and find a nice book to read. Don't buy in to it. Don't get involved. In fact, run away!

Be aware of the situation and don't walk into traps. The easiest way for a jealous sibling to create trouble is to get you and your partner rowing over family matters.

Stay wise, stay alert and stay silent. Here are Five Golden Rules:

Rule 1: Never Criticise In-laws

Even if your spouse has just had a huge blow-up with one of them - keep right out of it. Nod, make a cuppa, hold their hand, but never say anything negative about the offender.

If you are tempted to offer some sensible view of the incident - don't. Bite your cheek, mash your tongue, but don't say a word because it will only come back at you in the form of: "You've never liked my family!"

Rule 2: Always Be Polite

If you happen to pick up the phone and it's one of your loved one's relatives, it can do no harm to be polite.

After all, a minute's worth of: "How is the weather there?" "How's young Hermione?" "Fine, thanks" or "And you?" will make your life considerably easier. The beautiful thing about the phone is that they cannot see the look on your face as you talk politely.

Rule 3: Never Compare Families

Just as you must never compare the achievements of one sibling with another's, you must never mention your family's two doctors, three lawyers and five masters degrees in the same breath as your in-laws' one Victorian Certificate of Education pass. In fact, just don't talk about it.

Rule 4: Never Be Provoked

This is particularly apt during the festive season. No matter how obnoxious an in-law gets while imbibing Christmas spirit you must do your utmost to ignore the jibes, snarky comments and obvious wind-ups.

Christmas and birthdays tend to lead to a lot of family fights and being in the middle of one can have long-term consequences. A kebab stick through the palm of the hand will usually have your mind focused elsewhere and allow you to ride the hassles.

Rule 5: Avoid Danger Ground

If get-togethers seem to be on a downward spiral then it may pay to avoid them. Don't do so in an obvious or provocative way - that makes things worse than the probable fight ahead - but find a way to avoid the trip to Sister Hilary's.

It could be right-on-deadline work or a viral contagion that only lays you low for a few hours.

Hopefully, if you've kept a low profile at the lead-up occasions then no one will realise you have missed the past five Christmas dinners.

Now while this and the preceding four tips may seem a little spineless, they may just make the visits, holidays or big occasions just that more bearable. Remember, there are a lot of people suffering from Inlawitis.

[AKA_Monet]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING THIS!!!

'Cuz I just came from a MIL Christmas HELL!!!

She said sum chit dat don't make no kinna sense to me--'specially regarding my wedding that was just F'ed up overall...

And my G'mom was only 30 min from my location!!!

Anyhow, I need to follow those suggestions...

Thanks!!!

[miss priss]

You are sooo welcome! When I read this statement:"Annoying in-laws put a very bad strain upon a marriage if your spouse cannot see them through anything but rose-coloured glasses." It's sad when people get married how after all the counseling and books etc. they read they still don't understand the phrase " the two become one".
I had to read this article over and over again. When I first got married I almost cut a new hole in my sister-in-law.
She acted such an azz at our wedding over her dress. MOF this is the dress,

http://www2.davidsbridal.com/bridesm...86&prodgroup=7

very similar to the one on the left but in black. She had a hissy fit! Then had the audacity to ask me to do her flowers for her wedding! @###$^$^ please! I'm still mad over this incident.
So my MIL, acted as though her daughter wasn't wrong. Plus, she dogged me to all of her friends making my 1st year living in Michigan hell. Remember this phrase, "You're right" when they are TRYING to tell you what to do or start an argument and bite your tongue. It works like a charm.

[SkeeWee14]

So is it "mandatory" to put your fiance's sister(s) in your wedding? I'm just wondering, because I have no intention of including them in my bridal party (when we do get hitched). Not because of anything personal, but simply because we aren't "friends". Our only connection is him. They haven't shared life experiences with me like my friends have. If anything I will like for them to serve as a hostess or something. Am I wrong and just looking for conflict?

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by miss priss
You are sooo welcome! When I read this statement:"Annoying in-laws put a very bad strain upon a marriage if your spouse cannot see them through anything but rose-coloured glasses." It's sad when people get married how after all the counseling and books etc. they read they still don't understand the phrase " the two become one".
I had to read this article over and over again. When I first got married I almost cut a new hole in my sister-in-law.
She acted such an azz at our wedding over her dress. MOF this is the dress,

http://www2.davidsbridal.com/bridesm...86&prodgroup=7

very similar to the one on the left but in black. She had a hissy fit! Then had the audacity to ask me to do her flowers for her wedding! @###$^$^ please! I'm still mad over this incident.
So my MIL, acted as though her daughter wasn't wrong. Plus, she dogged me to all of her friends making my 1st year living in Michigan hell. Remember this phrase, "You're right" when they are TRYING to tell you what to do or start an argument and bite your tongue. It works like a charm.

Wait, what's wrong with the dress? She's lucky she's even IN the wedding party!!!

Skeewee14:

I dunno what to tell you...

I'da ask her at the last minute when you know it is impossible to get a dress made at that time if she's crazy...

But if she's really sweet and wants to help, then you need all the help you can get on the wedding day...

But, if she's crazy, then you don't have to put her in unless folks say something...

[btb87]

Originally posted by SkeeWee14
So is it "mandatory" to put your fiance's sister(s) in your wedding? I'm just wondering, because I have no intention of including them in my bridal party (when we do get hitched). Not because of anything personal, but simply because we aren't "friends". Our only connection is him. They haven't shared life experiences with me like my friends have. If anything I will like for them to serve as a hostess or something. Am I wrong and just looking for conflict?

Honestly, Soror, I believe in order to keep the peace, you might wanna consider having his sister(s) in the bridal party. If they turn you down, then so much the better, but contrary to what anyone says, you ARE marrying his family as well as him although you won't be living with them. Not only may it hurt their feelings, it will (IMHO) "subliminally" be sending him a message that you don't care for his family. I think you should do it as a courtesy. And believe you me, someone will come up to his mom and ask "Why wasn't Sandra in the wedding?"

Sometimes you hafta do things to keep the peace. Why you? Well, sometimes we have to be the bigger person.

That's just my $.08 worth.

[miss priss]

Originally posted by SkeeWee14
So is it "mandatory" to put your fiance's sister(s) in your wedding? I'm just wondering, because I have no intention of including them in my bridal party (when we do get hitched). Not because of anything personal, but simply because we aren't "friends". Our only connection is him. They haven't shared life experiences with me like my friends have. If anything I will like for them to serve as a hostess or something. Am I wrong and just looking for conflict?

No, you are not looking for conflict nor are you wrong. That is the question that "etiquette "must answer. Now that I have said what's pc.... This is the REAL DEAL...it is YALL day! **in my best Lil'Jon voice** OKAY?!!???
In my own wedding, I thought *hint* it would be a good idea to include his family. But we did AGREE to chose who we wanted as bridesmaids and groomsmen. He chose the guys and I chose the girls. Me and my vision.... In retrospect, I would have had ONE person, my best friend. It would have saved time, money, and HEADACHES.
Remember, his family and yours (friends included) WILL remember who was in the wedding party and what they did---so be prepared for comments both good and bad .

AKA_Monet, she has big boobs and she thought that the dress accentuated her chest. Plus the dress was somewhat low cut in the back and she wanted to impress her then fiance who is an Apostolic minister by not showing too much skin.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by miss priss
AKA_Monet, she has big boobs and she thought that the dress accentuated her chest. Plus the dress was somewhat low cut in the back and she wanted to impress her then fiance who is an Apostolic minister by not showing too much skin.

Nuthin's wrong with being endowed with "blessings"... And if you got it, you flaunt it...


I had better not comment on how her Apostolic minister fiance wanting her to show less skin--I've got too many issues regarding that...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For me, I let my maid of honor pick her own dress in the color I wanted. Of course I didn't torture her with the official Salmon Pink and Apple Green since she's a lady of Delta Sigma Theta

But I also love the color "matted gold" so I asked her to find something like that. Didn't realize that the color was truly difficult to find in the summer months... Oh well... I guess I shoulda picked the "butterscotch" color...

Oh, I figured that since I was not a young bride and no one at the wedding was under 25, then I would not torture anyone with manditory clothing options especially since it was in the Arizona desert...

I outta really P.O.'ed my MIL by having the wedding at a nudist colony But my husband wouldn't have gone for that...

[Kimmie1913]

Originally posted by SkeeWee14
So is it "mandatory" to put your fiance's sister(s) in your wedding? I'm just wondering, because I have no intention of including them in my bridal party (when we do get hitched). Not because of anything personal, but simply because we aren't "friends". Our only connection is him. They haven't shared life experiences with me like my friends have. If anything I will like for them to serve as a hostess or something. Am I wrong and just looking for conflict?

I think that is somethng you may ned to talk about with him. If he and his sister are very close he may want her to be n the wedding because of thier relationship. Although they are bridesmaids, they ar part of his wedding party too and I think it may be worth the concession in the end.

[ClassyLady]

Originally posted by btb87
Honestly, Soror, I believe in order to keep the peace, you might wanna consider having his sister(s) in the bridal party. If they turn you down, then so much the better, but contrary to what anyone says, you ARE marrying his family as well as him although you won't be living with them. Not only may it hurt their feelings, it will (IMHO) "subliminally" be sending him a message that you don't care for his family. I think you should do it as a courtesy. And believe you me, someone will come up to his mom and ask "Why wasn't Sandra in the wedding?"

Sometimes you hafta do things to keep the peace. Why you? Well, sometimes we have to be the bigger person.

That's just my $.08 worth.

See, this is how I know that I am not ready to be married any time soon. I would not even think twice about not including his family as my bridesmaids. If we are not very close friends, then why should you be in my bridal party? People can ask about Sandra all they want but if they aren't putting up any money, their opinions really won't matter.