Redneck Church

honeychile · #1 03-05-2006, 01:04 AM

1. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.

12. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".

15. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know you're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

Have a great Sabbath Day!

alum · #2 03-05-2006, 09:41 AM

What, no snake-handling reference?

carnation · #3 03-05-2006, 09:52 AM

My former college advisor sent me this one:

"The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These
Alabama, Arkansas, Carolina, Georgia, Kansas, Kentucky, Mississippi,
Missouri, Oklahoma,Tennessee and Texas boys will be...

Dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about
terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday."

KatieKate1244 · #4 03-05-2006, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by alum
What, no snake-handling reference?

I just opened this thread, expecting it to be about "snake kissin' Baptists."

honeychile · #5 03-05-2006, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by carnation
My former college advisor sent me this one:

"The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These
Alabama, Arkansas, Carolina, Georgia, Kansas, Kentucky, Mississippi,
Missouri, Oklahoma,Tennessee and Texas boys will be...

Dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about
terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday."

I've seen that one - the sad part is how true it is!!

KatieKate, I think it's the Pentacostals who handle snakes, not the Baptists.

Beanblossom1 · #6 03-05-2006, 01:33 PM

Love these!!!

Tom Earp · #7 03-05-2006, 02:11 PM

These need to be posted on My Thread of Fun things!

honeychile, loved it!!!!!!

KatieKate1244 · #8 03-05-2006, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by honeychile

KatieKate, I think it's the Pentacostals who handle snakes, not the Baptists.

Is it the Pentacostals? I've always heard it as Baptist, at least around here. My dad has quite a few stories about them...

ladygreek · #9 03-05-2006, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by KatieKate1244
Is it the Pentacostals? I've always heard it as Baptist, at least around here. My dad has quite a few stories about them...

Being raised Baptist and the grandkid of a Baptist preacher, I have never seen any snakes! And if I did, I would have been long gone.

alum · #10 03-05-2006, 05:04 PM

i think it is the Pentacostal Holy Roller types, not any mainstream Protestantism. And every so often when the snake-handlers pop up in the news, the Dueling Banjoes song from Deliverance comes to mind, NOT a gospel song or religious hymn.