Romance Redux

honeychile · #1 11-08-2003, 01:44 PM

I got to thinking about this as I read the thread about the rose petals.

What if you're involved with or engaged to someone and he's just not as romantic as you'd like him to be? I'm not talking "rose petals on the bed" romantic, but the somewhat everyday things, like having a cutesy nickname, or surprising you with a card - even an ecard - out of the blue?

Can he be changed? Should he be changed? Is it worth the effort?

In my case, I know he's capable of being highly romantic - about once a year or so (love songs at karaoke, feeding me strawberries & champagne, etc). I know he comes from a family that never said, "I love you," to each other, and he now understands that when he doesn't say it, what I hear is, "I don't love you anymore."

I also know that he loves it when I do romantic things to/for him (singing a special song on his voice mail, heart shaped cookies, ecards), so he knows I crave this. I've even flat out said, "What do I have to do to make you more romantic?!"

Should the next sound he hears be me throwing in the towel (and engagement ring)? Help!

sigmagrrl · #2 11-08-2003, 02:26 PM

I, myself, reached a point where I realized I'd never get what I wanted from this guy.

I found that he didn't respect my needs (I never wanted a dime spent on me, I wanted time and words and touches). I found it was disrespectful to me for him to barely even try and I need more.

I left....I'm NOT saying you should, but if this is a major point of contention, and you don't think you can live a lifetime without tender romantic gestures, better to stop now.

Also, I'm telling you, PREMARITAL COUNSELING! Talking to each other with a professional in the room is SOOOOO beneficial!! Talk about all your hopes and fears, annoyances and grievances in a neutral atmosphere and get useful advice!

bethany1982 · #3 11-08-2003, 02:27 PM

I guess you have to decide if you can live without the romance. Can you change is the question, because a drastic change from your S/O does not seem likely to me. If you are really bothered by this, it seems like getting out now would be a better option than being miserable. Then again, he may change.

ThetaPrincess24 · #4 11-08-2003, 02:49 PM

You cant change people. I tried for a long time to try to change the romantic habits of my last bf........who i was with for a year and a half. It only leads to tension.

I myself have learned i cannot be happy in a relationship without romance. They dotn have to be as much of a hopeless romantic as me, but it needs to be there.

If you feel the need to change your significant other that should probably tell you he's not right for you. so unless you can truly overlook it or get past it without feeling heartbroken a lot when things arent reciprocated in that way, or without sulking when romantic expectations arent met.......then you might want to think about that when you are seriously considering what to do........

MeLikey · #5 11-08-2003, 06:15 PM

I agree, you can't change him, unless he wants to change. I guess I was fortunate that my ex was romantic, without me saying anything... he surprised me with rose petals in my room and a trail leading to my bed and on my bed with roses in a formation and wrote a sweet letter explaining the symbolism of all the roses and the way they were situated. But anyway, he may have been romantic like that, but there were other things I would have liked to change about him, and when I'd try, he'd be like you can't change who I am. So I think that if you can learn to accept and love who he is, then you should be with him.

Imthachamp · #6 11-08-2003, 06:26 PM

you guys are asking to much from these dudes.

i mean, when we are first trying to get into yall's pants, im sure our feeble little minds can think of silly, sweet things to do.

but once we have you...whats the point?

we have more important things in life to worry about like how the lakers can defeat the spurs in this years NBA championship, or how i can get past that final boss in final fantasy 10 on PlayStation 2 (ok, that one is prolly just me).

Munchkin03 · #7 11-08-2003, 06:36 PM

I guess it matters how important romance is to you. I knew that it was very important to me--I always saw my parents as very affectionate towards eachother, and that's been my model. I couldn't imagine going from a family where everyone was loved and knew they were loved to one where it wasn't a priority. Fortunately, I found someone who feels the same way that I do.

One thing that I've always heeded was: if you don't like something about your significant other before you're married, you surely won't like it after marriage.

MeLikey · #8 11-08-2003, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Munchkin03

Quote:

One thing that I've always heeded was: if you don't like something about your significant other before you're married, you surely won't like it after marriage.

I totally agree-- that made me think of The Bachelor episode when Andrew Firestone took Jen and Kirsten home to meet his family and his sister was like the things that you don't like about that person will just nag you in the future or something like that.

Rudey · #9 11-08-2003, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Imthachamp
you guys are asking to much from these dudes.

i mean, when we are first trying to get into yall's pants, im sure our feeble little minds can think of silly, sweet things to do.

but once we have you...whats the point?

we have more important things in life to worry about like how the lakers can defeat the spurs in this years NBA championship, or how i can get past that final boss in final fantasy 10 on PlayStation 2 (ok, that one is prolly just me).

I agree. Besides what more can you offer us? I guess weird kinky things might work. Like hey if you offered to bring a girlfriend into the relationship if he became more romantic, I think he'd change for oyu.\

-Rudey

jonsagara · #10 11-08-2003, 07:19 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ThetaPrincess24
You cant change people. I tried for a long time to try to change the romantic habits of my last bf........who i was with for a year and a half. It only leads to tension.

...

If you feel the need to change your significant other that should probably tell you he's not right for you. so unless you can truly overlook it or get past it without feeling heartbroken a lot when things arent reciprocated in that way, or without sulking when romantic expectations arent met.......then you might want to think about that when you are seriously considering what to do........

Yeah. What she said. Especially the "you can't change people" part.

Imthachamp · #11 11-09-2003, 02:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Rudey
I agree. Besides what more can you offer us? I guess weird kinky things might work. Like hey if you offered to bring a girlfriend into the relationship if he became more romantic, I think he'd change for oyu.\

-Rudey

yeah, no doubt. i dont understand why these chicks expect all guys to be perfect, when they cant meet HALF of our expectations.

i think if she demands him to be romantic, she needs to give him that threesome with another girl. it seems fair.

texas*princess · #12 11-13-2003, 02:39 AM

honeychile,
i've been wondering the same thing...

my guy & I have been dating for a little over 3 years.. and the first year he was all cutesy and stuff.. and now.. he's just ... not.

he can be every once in awhile, but those times are few and far in between...

when I mention it he tells me that's not how he really is.. so umm.. yea? i'm confused.

MereMere21 · #13 11-13-2003, 12:02 PM

Ok to steal SisterMadly's word - Romance matures

When my husband and I were still dating, and even through the first year we were married, he was very romantic. He would send me flowers at work, write little I love you notes on the bathroom mirror, just little things like that. Now, the most romantic thing he does is send me random "I love you" text messages. I know the passion is there, and I'm know it just takes a little work to rekindle it, but frankly - who has the time?? Between his job, my job, our new house, me thinking about going back for a Master's, a little one and one on the way - who has the time? I know romance is important, but your idea of romance changes over time. When he comes home and takes over with the baby so I can take a nap, does the laundry, cooks dinner (which he does more than I do

), kissing me in the morning when he thinks I'm still asleep before he leaves for work, etc... - those are the kinds of things I think are romantic now.

Rudey · #14 11-13-2003, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by texas*princess
honeychile,
i've been wondering the same thing...

my guy & I have been dating for a little over 3 years.. and the first year he was all cutesy and stuff.. and now.. he's just ... not.

he can be every once in awhile, but those times are few and far in between...

when I mention it he tells me that's not how he really is.. so umm.. yea? i'm confused.

Tell me why you think he should be...he already has you. This isn't very difficult. Are you going to leave because he isn't now? That wouldn't be the right reaction but what reward does he get for doing things for you?

-Rudey
--Why don't girls get this?

#15 11-13-2003, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by MereMere21
I know romance is important, but your idea of romance changes over time. When he comes home and takes over with the baby so I can take a nap, does the laundry, cooks dinner (which he does more than I do ), kissing me in the morning when he thinks I'm still asleep before he leaves for work, etc... - those are the kinds of things I think are romantic now.

You took the words right out of my mouth