"31 reasons i'm still fat, what's your excuse?"

CC1GC · #1 07-13-2002, 08:05 PM

1. I am virtually powerless in the presence of those two sadistic hippie bastards, Ben and Jerry.
2. Buying clothes off the rack is not nearly as satisfying as having to get everything "made special."
3. In every single food equation, fat equals flavor. Do the math.
4. I'm tackling my New Year's resolutions one at a time and alphabetically. Therefore, I can't "Lose weight" until I "Learn to play the glockenspiel."
5. The extra flesh folds in my arms provide a handy hiding place for my extensive collection of vintage '70s porn.
6. "No reservation? No problem, Mr. Brando, your table's right this way."
7. Two slices of melba toast or a sheet cake: Which would you rather have for breakfast?
8. I'm secretly conducting an experiment to find out whether centerfold models are really telling the truth when they say that what they find sexiest in a man is "a sense of humor."
9. Workout sweat leaves me with that "not-so-fresh feeling."
10. I belong to a small group of individuals who believe Jack LaLanne may, in fact, be the anti-Christ.
11. Exercise may very well be good for you, but all I know is, after I've spent an afternoon on the couch, eating Cheez Doodles and watching the game, I don't need to employ any analgesic painkiller or muscle liniment.
12. God made gravy for a reason. I am that reason.
13. Never have to endure that annoying fast-food question, as the answer is simply assumed: Of course I want fries with that.
14. No matter where I sit on an airplane, I have an aisle seat.
15. Maybe I'm a neophyte at this whole hip-hop vernacular, but I thought "fat" meant "good."
16. According to the law of averages, there actually exists a minuscule yet completely viable group of really hot women who are bored with totally buff, cut, in-shape guys.
17. "Thin" is just another word for "nothin' left to lose."
18. I'm mercifully spared from seeing just how small my penis actually is.
19. The inevitable cardiac episode, and subsequent lawsuit thereafter, provides me a perpetual exemption from participation in the three-legged race at the company picnic.
20. So many different kinds of beer, so little time.
21. I'm a "summer," and workout clothes are just not that flattering.
22. In some small third-world countries, even politely refusing a fifth helping of an entr...e is considered insulting.
23. Hoping to score big career break by being cast as Young Jabba the Hutt in Episode Three.
24. Everything tastes better with cheese.
25. Rather than "sliced to order," hams are, in fact, best enjoyed whole.
26. At least Sally Struthers never cries when she sees a picture of me.
27. Costly family vacations now replaced by weekend burro trips down my butt crack.
28. If I wanted a life of strenuous exercise, extreme discipline, and self-denial, I'd do a couple of months in state prison.
29. Have not yet conquered fear of slipping down bathroom drain.
30. That Jenny Craig is one cold, heartless bitch.
31. The size of my splash is directly proportional to the size of my ass.

Rob Bartlett. Men's Health, July 2002.

DeeGeePee · #2 07-14-2002, 12:03 PM

That was funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

librasoul22 · #3 07-14-2002, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by CC1GC

4. I'm tackling my New Year's resolutions one at a time and alphabetically. Therefore, I can't "Lose weight" until I "Learn to play the glockenspiel."

OMG! LOL!!!!

33girl · #4 07-14-2002, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by CC1GC
30. That Jenny Craig is one cold, heartless bitch.

I want to know who the sadistic people are who find Jenny Craig locations...I think every single one of them around here is next to an ice cream store, a pastry shop or a fast-food restaurant.

TaraHopeful · #5 07-23-2002, 02:01 AM

I prank called Jenny Craig when i was 11 with my sisiters. I told the lady on the phone that i was fat and she was like "oh hunnie, how much weight do you want to lose? We can help you through it" I felt sooooooo bad for prank calling...the JC people actually do have hearts. I felt so bad for doing that that i've never prank called anyone again. (with the exception of ex boyfriends when i'm a little tipsy and feel like giving them hell and telling them EVERYTHING thats wrong with them) Sorry, that quote just brough back memories....

Great list! Too funny....

decadence · #6 03-06-2004, 09:05 PM

Screw Atkins.

thetalady · #7 03-07-2004, 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by decadence
Screw Atkins.

I am pretty sure that would be illegal in most states at this point

Eat well, exercise, stay fit... slip and fall and die anyway

CatStarESP4 · #8 03-07-2004, 02:34 AM

Hilarious!

#9 03-07-2004, 05:20 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by thetalady
I am pretty sure that would be illegal in most states at this point

Eat well, exercise, stay fit... slip and fall and die anyway

That reminds me of a Denis Leary joke.

"It's always the yougurt, sprout-eating mother fuckers. That get hit by a bus, driven by a guy that smokes 7 packs a day."

Kitso
KS 361

James · #10 03-07-2004, 03:35 PM

As a prank we opened a little food stand that served nice pastries and candies for super cheap outside one of those weight loss places. To make it more interesting, we posted a "for Charity" sign and had kids manning it.

Quote:

Originally posted by TaraHopeful
I prank called Jenny Craig when i was 11 with my sisiters. I told the lady on the phone that i was fat and she was like "oh hunnie, how much weight do you want to lose? We can help you through it" I felt sooooooo bad for prank calling...the JC people actually do have hearts. I felt so bad for doing that that i've never prank called anyone again. (with the exception of ex boyfriends when i'm a little tipsy and feel like giving them hell and telling them EVERYTHING thats wrong with them) Sorry, that quote just brough back memories....

Great list! Too funny....

DGqueen17 · #11 03-07-2004, 03:37 PM

Haha that is so funny. BUt mean.