calling off a wedding... who pays for bridesmaid dress

angelic1 · #1 09-11-2003, 07:57 PM

I searched to try to find any posts on this before.. plus i looked on the internet and couldnt find anything.. but maybe someone can or they know better than me..

this is actually a story about a friend of mine and she was asking what she should do..

she was supposed to be a bridemaid in one of our other friends from high school's wedding. She told her what dress to get and where.. so she bought the dress thinkng nothing of it. Well about a month or so later.. the friend wrote her and told her that she had called off the wedding. It turns out at the time she was having doubts and had started talking to/seeing another guy. She never told her that she was having doubts when she was insisting that she go buy the dress nor that she was seeing this other guy..

so my question is.. is it wrong for her to ask her to pay back the money for the dress.... since she cant return it.

Hootie · #2 09-11-2003, 08:03 PM

That is a tough one!

I would say if the Bride was the one to call it off and considering the reasons...she (the Bride) should have to pay for the dresses. But I also know that, THAT often does not happen.

I remember feeling SO relieved that when my ex called off the wedding I hadn't finalized the order on the dresses, cuz I just couldn't have asked my friends to pay for them. And then I would have been stuck with the bill.

But as a good friend, I would have, and that's what I think any good friend would do.

bethany1982 · #3 09-11-2003, 08:54 PM

I think it would be proper for the "Bride" to pay for the dress, although, I would not press the issue. To me, even though the "Bride" was not acting as a good friend, friendship is more important than the cost of an unused dress.

VSUPhiMu · #4 09-11-2003, 10:06 PM

I'm getting married in 16 days, and the etiquitte, according to Emily Post, is that it is an honor to be asked to be in someone's wedding. Therefore, it is the bridesmaid's responsibility to pay for the dress. Now, if she had given the bride a gift, she would get it back unless the groom died. But since she bought the dress for the purpose of being in the wedding, she has to keep it and just chalk it up to bad luck...at least according to Emily Post!

Me, I would be pissed. But if they're truly friends, she should understand.

MeLikey · #5 09-11-2003, 11:39 PM

I don't really know the etiquette. Yeah, I'd be really pissed too. My parents just went to a wedding this past weekend, and my mom was telling me about it-- she had 12 bridesmaids! I was like whoa, that's a lot of dresses for her (the bride) to pay for. My mom was like no the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. I didn't even know that.

33girl · #6 09-11-2003, 11:50 PM

The bride should pay for the dress - especially since it appears that the relationship was in a precarious state when the bride told the maid to go ahead with the purchase. It was a bad faith investment, so to speak.

If the bride is being a butt, however, the best thing would be for all the maids to get together and see if they can sell the dresses as a group. They might at least be able to get some money back that way.

FeeFee · #7 09-12-2003, 09:12 AM

Another suggestion: depending on the style/color, etc., perhaps she can keep the dress and wear it to some upcoming formal affair (if she's the type who likes to attend these types of events anyway).

justamom · #8 09-12-2003, 09:16 AM

THE BRIDE!

OT- FeeFee , looking at your signature, are you quoting Mommy Dearest or making a political statement??? I always wondered that.

thesweetestone · #9 09-12-2003, 10:43 AM

I think the Bride and Groom should pay for the dresses if there is a wedding or not. I personally am not going to pay to be in any one's wedding. In this situation it would be totally rude for the bride and groom not to pay for the dresses. If the wedding party was nice enough to help you'll out by offering to pay for the dresses in the first place why wouldn't you now pay for the dresses. It doesn't matter why there is not going to be a wedding.

lovelyivy84 · #10 09-12-2003, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by justamom

OT- FeeFee , looking at your signature, are you quoting Mommy Dearest or making a political statement??? I always wondered that.

I thought she was referencing Queer Eye For the Straight Guyn quoting Mommy Dearest, lol.

dzrose93 · #11 09-12-2003, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by thesweetestone
I think the Bride and Groom should pay for the dresses if there is a wedding or not. I personally am not going to pay to be in any one's wedding. In this situation it would be totally rude for the bride and groom not to pay for the dresses. If the wedding party was nice enough to help you'll out by offering to pay for the dresses in the first place why wouldn't you now pay for the dresses. It doesn't matter why there is not going to be a wedding.

As someone who is getting married in 4 weeks, I felt the urge to speak up.

It is the obligation of the bridesmaids/groomsmen to pay for their own attire if they are participating in a wedding. There are times when a bride or groom may offer to pay all or part of the expense as part of their gift to the wedding party; this, however, is definitely not a requirement. Trust me, the bride and groom have got enough things to pay for as it is. (The average wedding costs around $20,000 these days.)

If someone cannot afford to buy a dress/shoes/etc in order to be in the wedding party, then they always have the option of turning down the request and choosing to be a guest rather than a participant. To me, being asked to participate in a wedding is an honor, and I have never thought of it as paying to participate when I stood up with my sorority sisters over the years. I considered the purchase of my attire to be part of my gift to the couple getting married.

In the instance of a bride calling off the wedding... I don't know the proper etiquette for this particular instance. However, I personally would pay my bridesmaids for the dresses if they couldn't be returned. But, if I was a bridesmaid, I probably wouldn't ask the bride to do so -- I'd accept if she offered, but wouldn't bring it up on my own. Calling off a wedding is a traumatic thing, and I wouldn't want to add to her stress.

FeeFee · #12 09-12-2003, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by justamom
THE BRIDE!

OT- FeeFee , looking at your signature, are you quoting Mommy Dearest or making a political statement??? I always wondered that.

Justamom and LI84 - I was quoting "Mommy Dearest". The movie came on cable tv one night and I decided to use NWH as my signature. It's my favorite part of the movie (harsh scene and all; you got to see just how nutty Joan Crawford really was).

thesweetestone · #13 09-12-2003, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by dzrose93
As someone who is getting married in 4 weeks, I felt the urge to speak up. It is the obligation of the bridesmaids/groomsmen to pay for their own attire if they are participating in a wedding. There are times when a bride or groom may offer to pay all or part of the expense as part of their gift to the wedding party; this, however, is definitely not a requirement. Trust me, the bride and groom have got enough things to pay for as it is. (The average wedding costs around $20,000 these days.)

If someone cannot afford to buy a dress/shoes/etc in order to be in the wedding party, then they always have the option of turning down the request and choosing to be a guest rather than a participant. To me, being asked to participate in a wedding is an honor, and I have never thought of it as paying to participate when I stood up with my sorority sisters over the years. I considered the purchase of my attire to be part of my gift to the couple getting married.

How is it their obligation to pay to in your F@%&in' wedding? My thought is if you can't afford to have the type of wedding of your dream then have the wedding you can afford. Recognize that it is out of kindness not obligation if the bridesmaids pay for their own attire. Yes, it is an honor to be ask to be in a friends wedding. But if, that friend is broke they need to check their attitude and be thankful that they have people willing to help them.

33girl · #14 09-12-2003, 12:42 PM

If your friend is broke you shouldn't ask her to be a bridesmaid to begin with, because it is customary that they pay for their own dresses. (The bride usually does give a piece of jewelry or some other token of appreciation.) If you (you being the bride) have someone you really want to be in your wedding and she needs $$ help, you can volunteer to do so. But if the bride and groom had to pay for all the maids and ushers on top of everything else, either there wouldn't be any or they would all be wearing jeans & sweatshirts.

aabby757 · #15 09-12-2003, 12:53 PM

Personally, if that was me who was the bridesmaid, regardless of why the wedding broke up, I would pay for the dress and never ever in a million years even bring up the fact that I spent money on a dress for a wedding that never happened.

Obviously, if the wedding had happened God only knows how many years of heartache my friend would have endured if she/he had gone through with it. It is obviously a wedding that wasn't meant to be and as a friend it's the least I could do for her is not shove that one more issue in her face.

I think one of the most courageous things one can do is cancel a wedding. The closer to the date, the more courageous an act it becomes.

TRUST ME -- paying the fees in lost deposits, etc is in the long run cheaper than divorce fees, possibly getting your credit ruined, losing a house, having to move, paying for kids tuition that now you possibly won't bore because you aren't married etc.