After Virginity

LeslieAGD · #1 07-28-2003, 09:27 AM

Many times on GC we've had discussions about sex and about virginity. It got me thinking...to all those who said you planned to wait until marriage and didn't, or for the right person and did, what happened after you lost your virginity? Meaning, if you broke up with that person, were all bets off? Have you been with multiple people since then or have you sworn off sex again until you meet the next Mr./Ms. Right?

twinstars · #2 07-28-2003, 09:49 AM

I think it makes sense to hold prospective partners to the same standards, whether they're #1 or #5 or whatever. It's up to the individual to decide how high the bar is set: do you need to be in love? etc. etc.

I don't understand the rationale behind making a huge deal out of who you choose to be your first, and then being much less picky about the ones that follow (if there are any). If sex was a really big deal in your eyes, then why would it be less of a big deal just because you've moved on to another relationship? Maybe it seems like a bigger deal than it is if you've never done it before...

I don't think I ever thought I would/should "wait"- I never considered virginity a big part of my identity- I just had sex when I was ready (in the case of each guy I've been with) and don't have regrets about anyone.

sigmagrrl · #3 07-28-2003, 10:00 AM

I lost my virginity to my ex back in April. We had already been broken up for a year. But, he was the ONLY man I've ever met in my ENTIRE life that I wanted to give my "flower" to (to quote one of my FAVORITE Monica lines!!LOL). And we had sex again Friday night. It's always a wonderful time to be with him. I'm free, in touch with my sensuality, and I don't regret it at all. I don't know how I'd be sexual with another man, actually...

Hootie · #4 07-28-2003, 10:49 AM

I know this'll sound bad but I personally feel my standards of men dropped after I lost my virginity. I haven't been with a lot of men by ANY means, but I've been involved in a relationship with a friend now since December and although the intimacy is great there is no further relationship (other than so-called friendship). I have recently discovered that though I had hoped things would sorta turn into more I am not expecting that now. So I've decided to cut off that tie because it's not healthy. I've also decided that further relations with men will be taken much more seriously because there are too man risk factors by just having sex with anyone (I don't do that but I have a friend for example that does). I just think my maturity and experience has finally shown me this and although ideally it would have been nice to have waited again after I lost my virginity, I'm glad for the experience now to KNOW what I want for myself in a physical relationship as well as my expectations for the future. If that makes sense

smiley21 · #5 07-28-2003, 11:37 AM

I lost mine to my current boyfriend a couple of years ago. Up until then, I was always headstrong about waiting until marriage. I told myself that if I ever broke up with my boyfriend, I am definitely waiting until marriage. I cant be that attached to someone unless i knew it was going to last. I intend to keep that promise. I think it is a next best thing to keeping your virginity.

Now it looks like my boyfriend and i will be breaking up. It hasnt happened yet, but it is leading up to that point. There are a lot of things that are going on in our lives that is going in two different directions. We still have a very strong love for each other. Now I know what 'love hurts' means. I will never regret losing my virginity to him. He is just a great guy that I will be missing terribly.

pinkyphimu · #6 07-28-2003, 12:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by twinstars

I don't understand the rationale behind making a huge deal out of who you choose to be your first, and then being much less picky about the ones that follow (if there are any). If sex was a really big deal in your eyes, then why would it be less of a big deal just because you've moved on to another relationship? Maybe it seems like a bigger deal than it is if you've never done it before...

i very much agree with twinstar on this! i have always felt that sex is very special and that although i never thought i would wait till marriage, i knew that i wouldn't sleep with every guy i ever met/dated! although i was kind of young when i lost my virginity, i can still count on one hand....and although i would never ask them to do this (nor have i ever discussed it with them)....i bet my parents can name them!! if you view sex as something very important for the first time...then i think that it should be important every time...but that is just me!

#7 07-28-2003, 01:11 PM

I'm kind of with Hootie - i always thought I would wait until marriage. In fact, I ended one of my best relationships over it, because I (wrongly) thought that he didn't want to wait as well. Then sure enough I slept with the next guy I dated (and don't regret it)

But yeah... I have to agree that my standards dropped a bit after the first time. It was sort of a "that was it?" realization, and after that... well, girls just want to have fun

Sure, I regret some of those 'happenings'.... but live and learn, I guess. I'm past that phase in my life, and have fully devoted myself to my fiance. No more wild days for me

GeekyPenguin · #8 07-28-2003, 01:57 PM

I haven't slept with anyone but my first - but I don't regret sleeping with him at all. I originally thought I would wait until marraige, but changed my mind - so True Love Waits didn't work for me. ;p

Now, I don't know - at this point I am not even considering dating anyone seriously enough to have sex be a factor. I think all future boyfriends are going to be held to a very high standard, and if they meet it, we'll think about it.

I definitely agree what was said above - if you waited so long for the first person, everyone else you sleep with should be held to the same standards.

KappaKittyCat · #9 07-28-2003, 02:00 PM

Ginger and Hootie, I totally agree about standards dropping. I waited for "the right person," the XBF, and then we broke up about three months afterwards. It was pretty disappointing and I went without for two years because I was single and thought that sex should be in a loving relationship. The loving relationship was not forthcoming (I've been flying solo for three years).

Then one night it just sort of happened. Just a random hook-up. (And yes, we were safe.) That's when I realized that sex only means what you want it to mean. For me there's the loving-relationship sex and the energy-release sex. I'm very careful when there's attraction on either end, because sex can be construed in so many different ways. But sometimes you just need a no-strings-attached fling. I'm choosey about that, too, but not as choosey as I am when considering potential significant other material.

KappaKittyCat · #10 07-28-2003, 02:44 PM

Hootie, I agree. It's hard to find guys who are interested in more than landing you in the sack.

AlphaGamDiva · #11 07-28-2003, 03:12 PM

i had super huge high standards for a while....like, my high school days (like many others, i'm sure) i was complete virgin queen. lost many a b/f over the fact i wouldn't give it up. then, oops, freshman year of college....buh-bye. it wasn't exactly something i really wanted/was ready to do....but he was super controlling and made me feel so bad that i didn't want to lose my virginity to him. guilt trip = deflowerization, i guess. that was my freshman year, and he was the only person i slept with until this past november....my senior year. i haven't gone back to being as hard core as i was when i was in hs or anything......b/c it's kind of like, what's the point, honestly? the virginity is gone, can't get it back.....i'm young and at times, yeah, wanna get me some.......it would be fabulous if things were perfect and it was always about love and all that, but it's not. but i am ready to be with a solid b/f before anything rowdy happens. never gone home with anyone from a bar or anything, but not all my encounters have been b/fs....still on one hand, and wanna keep it that way.

holdin out for a good man, but not necessarily my husband.

GMUBunny · #12 07-28-2003, 03:18 PM

I had the "that's it?" problem after my first so I do believe my standards dropped as well. But, now that I'm beginning to get into the hunt for the lifelong mister, I'm setting my standards a little higher. My first and I are still best friends even after breaking up years and years ago, so I don't regret that one bit.

BTW great thread! It's nice to have a thread about sex that isn't so raunchy like some of the others

bethany1982 · #13 07-28-2003, 03:29 PM

I was with my first for over 2 years... now I'm single again and not looking for anything.

aephi alum · #14 07-28-2003, 06:28 PM

I'm married to my first (and only) - and no, we didn't wait for marriage

- but if we'd decided to go our separate ways, I'd like to think that I'd hold future potential mates to the same high standards that I looked for in the first one.

Sex should be meaningful every time, not just the first time... at least that's how I look at it.

crystalline · #15 07-28-2003, 08:00 PM

When I was younger, all my friends had already had sex before I had. So, I was determined to lose my virginity before I entered high school (yes, I know, I was 14, and that was pretty young). I wound up staying with my first for about 19 months, but we were young. Neither of us was truly ready to commit, but neither wanted to see the other with someone else. I ended up dumping him because I couldn't stand being lied to anymore. I'd definitely say my standards went down after that. I've had a couple long term relationships since then (the one I'm in now has been over 3 years), but I found that after each long term one ended, I tended to get the urge to "sow my wild oats". After the first one I did realize that sex doesn't have to be accompanied by a bunch of emotions. I'm still very good friends with my first and I don't regret losing it to him, or even the age at which I lost it.