Unhealthy Relationships

[StrangeFruit]

Why do you think women and men stay in unhealthy relationships? Not physically abusive, but relationships that remain stagnant.

[Gina1201]

I think one reason that this may happen is that he or she may tend to feel stable or sceure in the relationship. In other words, it may be that he or she is so used to the relationship that it is hard to see the relationship for what it is really worth. That the relationship is not going to go anywhere.

[REIKI]

Originally posted by StrangeFruit
Why do you think women and men stay in unhealthy relationships? Not physically abusive, but relationships that remain stagnant.

I think that people are sometimes reluctant to let go of the illusion of what their relationship is in favor of accepting the reality of what it is. It is comfortable to hold on to what you want it to be, rather than acknowledge what it is. Whether physically or psychologically abusive, at one time, the relationship was probably a good one. Instead of acknowledging the fact that it is not what it was, or that the person is no longer acting in the way they used to, what you were attracted to, you justify the abusive behavior with things like 'they are just stressed', 'they only hit me once', 'everybody looses it'. In the world of psychology it is called cognitive dissonance -- when there are two opposing realities, you will either adjust to the new reality, reject the new reality in favor of your own based on previous or new knowledge, or dissociate from the reality. Everyone wants to be loved, wanted, appreciated, valued. . . so sometimes it is hard to face the reality of situations when you could loose the source of what you think loves you, wants you, appreciates you, and values you. Women that stay in unhealthy relationships usually don't love, want, appreciate, or value themselves, thus they don't demand it of other people. Women that love, want, appreciate, and value themselves don't allow people to abuse them or take them for granted. . . . period.

[Eirene_DGP]

I think some people stay in unhealthy relationships because they are not looking for someone to marry at the time. I know I stayed with a guy knowing he was not marriage material because I told myself as long as you were not looking for a husband, "just dating" was fine.

[FeeFee]

Originally posted by REIKI
I think that people are sometimes reluctant to let go of the illusion of what their relationship is in favor of accepting the reality of what it is. It is comfortable to hold on to what you want it to be, rather than acknowledge what it is. Whether physically or psychologically abusive, at one time, the relationship was probably a good one. Instead of acknowledging the fact that it is not what it was, or that the person is no longer acting in the way they used to, what you were attracted to, you justify the abusive behavior with things like 'they are just stressed', 'they only hit me once', 'everybody looses it'. In the world of psychology it is called cognitive dissonance -- when there are two opposing realities, you will either adjust to the new reality, reject the new reality in favor of your own based on previous or new knowledge, or dissociate from the reality. Everyone wants to be loved, wanted, appreciated, valued. . . so sometimes it is hard to face the reality of situations when you could loose the source of what you think loves you, wants you, appreciates you, and values you. Women that stay in unhealthy relationships usually don't love, want, appreciate, or value themselves, thus they don't demand it of other people. Women that love, want, appreciate, and value themselves don't allow people to abuse them or take them for granted. . . . period.

Reiki, you are so correct - don't ya just love cognitive dissonance??? I learned about it this Spring semester in my Social Psychology class.

[FeeFee]

The Investment Model of Relationships - Identifies 3 factors that affect the likelihood of people remaining in a romantic relationship:

1. Level of Satisfaction: Obviously the level will be low if one is considering terminating the relationship.

2. How Much Have You Invested in the Relationship?: The more time a person has invested in a relationship, the harder it is to end it. Some people don't feel like having to start all over again (ie, re-entering the dating scene).

3. Comparison Level - There are 2:

a) Our Own Comparison Level: Comparing current relationship to ones in the past.

b) Comparison Level for Alternatives: Are there better options out there for us? If the answer is yes, one would be likely to terminate the relationship.

Some other Interpersonal Relationship Theories:

Social Exchange Theory: States that we are likely to choose friends and lovers in terms of what we can gain from the relationship. We have to figure out what benefits and costs are involved. In order for the relationship to survive, the benefits MUST outweigh the costs. If the cost is minimal and the benefit is large, people are happier with their relationships.

Equity Theory: People need to have a sense of equity in their relationships, and to reciprocate and give back for what they get. We have a tendency to keep track of what we give and get back.

[RaHel]

One factor that definitely contributes to the reason that women stay in unhealthy relationships is the hope that things will get better. I can say honestly that I have been in this situation myself, unfortunately. But in everything is a learning experience.