Some of these are just toooooooooooooooooo funny...read on
************************************************** *For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are given
annually for the most extreme act of (often terminal) stupidity - that
is, to honor people who were civic-minded enough to end their life
before
reproducing, removing themselves from the gene pool. Here are the awards
for the first half of 2003...
First Place - The 2003 first half Darwin Award Winner: When his
38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a
hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping
around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company,
suspecting negligence, sent
out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out
and lost a finger. The chef's claim
was approved.
*********
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a
blizzard in Chicago returned
with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he
shot her.
*********
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental
patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had
escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered
for 3 days.
*********
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from
an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told
police that he was simply
trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before
he
was hit.
*********
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the
clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the
cash in the register,
which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk
and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
committed?)
*********
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying
a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!"
For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his
life,
because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and
fired
before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In
memory of the event,
the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words,
"Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
*********
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made
of
Plexiglas. The whole
event was caught on videotape.
*********
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car
and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and
told
to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer,
that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
*********
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
*********
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running
a
chain from the machine to the
bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they
left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the
machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their
vehicle's license plate still attached to
the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
*********
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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