Etiquette woes - I need help!

[RedRoseSAI]

Ladies (and gentlemen too, I suppose), I need your help. I'm finding myself in a sticky situation and I can't seem to find the solution in any Emily Post book!

Here's the situation: Mr RedRose and I were married about nine months ago. I dutifully sent out our thank-you cards recently afterwards. Just recently, though, I've found out that quite a few of the intended recipients never received their cards! I know of about six people so far, and from what I remember, they were all mailed on the same day. I feel horrible that they never received their cards, and I'm really not sure what to do about it. Do I re-write thank you cards to everyone I think was done in that batch? Do I re-do ALL of them, just in case? What do I say? Anything I can think of along the lines of "Just in case you didn't receive our first card, here is another one" seems so trite and lame. Still, these people need to be thanked!

Please help me, GCers - this is really bothering me!

[swissmiss04]

The people that you know for sure didn't receive a card should be re-mailed a card. The day after you mail it, call them and just tell them that there was some sort of mixup and reinforce your appreciation. It's also a great chance to catch up w/ people you haven't talked to in a while.

[LeslieAGD]

I agree with swissmiss. If you were to send cards to everyone you *think* may not have received cards but actually did, they would be confused as to why they were receiving a second thank you note (especially since it's been nine months).

[sigmagrrl]

Honestly, I'm just glad you sent them at all!

Thank you cards are such a lost art these days

[AXO Alum]

Okay, here is the take from the resident wedding coordinator (see other posts in Dear Abbey regarding that title )

How do you know that these 6 people have not received their thank-yous? Did they come right out and tell you - or your family members? This is important info because you need to know if it was casually said, or if it was said in a bitchy tone such as "Can you believe RedRoseSAI never bothered to send us a thank-you card? Some people are so tacky!"

If it was said in this type manner, then you need to pull out the good stationary (the stuff with the fancy initials, what-have-you) and send them a note that would read as such:

Dear Jane,

In talking with mom last week, I realized that you had never received a thank-you from Fred and me for the beautiful candy dish that you gave us. I remember sending those out a few weeks after our wedding, so I apologize for any delay in receiving yours. It was so wonderful to see you and Jack at our wedding. It was such a beautiful day and I am glad that I have such fond memories of sharing it with all my friends and family. The candy dish is a wonderful addition to our coffee table, and we thank you so much for thinking of us in such a special way!

Love, (for someone that you are really close to)
Warmest Regards, (for someone that you are not so close to)

RedRoseSAI (I suggest putting your *real* name here - LOL!)

Technically you have until ONE YEAR after your nuptials to say thank-you -- most brides don't wait that long, but you do have etiquette on your side there.

As for the people that you aren't sure of -- I will write more after my meeting and tell you how to handle that!

[swissmiss04]

Regardless of *how* you do it, please do it. I went to a friends wedding and his wife and him wrote no thank yous (or at least me a couple people I know didn't get one). I was way offended because she had quite the cha-chingy registry and I did spend a good amount. Be classy, as all SAI's are!
Roses,
swissmiss

[RedRoseSAI]

Thanks everyone, for your help so far. AXO Alum, thank you for the beautiful prose...I think I'll use that. To answer your question, all six incidences were casual, polite mentions (but none the less, humiliating for me). I still don't know how to handle the people who I'm afraid may not have received a card (but haven't yet said anything to my parents about it), so AXO Alum, I await your words on that!

[Eirene_DGP]

Yeah, I think you should go ahead and re-send the thank you cards out to people who you think didn't get theirs. On another note....sometimes people get mail and just lay it down or lose it...so I wouldn't beat myself up over it.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Mail gets lost and people understand that. Don't be too hard on yourself. We had Christmas cards returned to us due to an incorrect address in mid February, nearly two months after we sent it.

AXO Alum gave an excellent suggestion regarding how to handle this.

[AXO Alum]

Okay - sorry for the delay but have been in a meeting!

As for the people that you aren't sure of, here is a good sample to send:

Dear Phil & Kim -

The two of you have been on my mind lately, so I figured I would just take a minute to write and see how you are both doing. Fred and I were just talking about how much we LOVE the picture frame that you gave us for our wedding. We put a picture of us lighting the Unity candle in it, and it sits right on our mantle for everyone to see! I know that I have already sent out your thank-you card, but I wanted you to know how very much you both mean to us, and to again thank you for your kind thoughts. I hope you are both doing well and that we will see you soon!

Love/Our Best/Thanks Again!!

RedRoseSAI (see above for name placement )


Let me know if this suits your situation -- if not, PM me and I can try to offer you more "personalized" information.

To all --
Thank-you's should ALWAYS be sent in a timely manner regardless of the cost of the gift. (Yes, even the re-gifts get thank-yous!) And PLEASE - use the wording in the "thank-you" books as suggestions only. Nothing makes me crazier (other than no thank-you) than to get a thank-you that reads thus:

Dear AXOAlum -

Thank you for the vase. We like it. We appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Sincerely,
Margaret

I mean you are taking the time to pull out everything and write - at least add a personal line or two (we are so glad you could attend the ceremony; or we are so sorry you couldn't attend but hope to see you soon). This applies DOUBLE for people that you are close to -- such as your best friends!! (I just received a thank-you from my son's godparents that read basically like the above - and they signed it "Warmest Regards" -- hello....you are our best friends and our son's godparents...can't you be a little more personal!!)

Of course she is the TACKY TACKY TACKY one who sent her REPLY cards (you know for RSVP'ing) with NO stamp -- and then asked Mr. AXOAlum why we never sent ours back. I'll tell you why....cause I am STILL waiting on the stamp! Once I get that, it'll go in the mail....never mind the wedding was 2 months ago!

[Eclipse]

Originally posted by AXO Alum

Of course she is the TACKY TACKY TACKY one who sent her REPLY cards (you know for RSVP'ing) with NO stamp -- and then asked Mr. AXOAlum why we never sent ours back. I'll tell you why....cause I am STILL waiting on the stamp! Once I get that, it'll go in the mail....never mind the wedding was 2 months ago!

I've been in agreement so far, but I thought the RSVP cards were a modern day invention for those of us who don't know we are supposed to send a handwritten note saying how positively delightful it was to get their invitation and with great pleasure we accept their invitation, blah blah blah.

[FuzzieAlum]

Yeah, sending RSVP cards at all is giving in to people's laziness in RSVPing. Etiquette doesn't require sending them at all, much less stamping them.

[AXO Alum]

Originally posted by Eclipse
I've been in agreement so far, but I thought the RSVP cards were a modern day invention for those of us who don't know we are supposed to send a handwritten note saying how positively delightful it was to get their invitation and with great pleasure we accept their invitation, blah blah blah.

See there...I wasn't going to go and make people feel bad for including those cards Since it is common now, and that is what people do in order to get replies, I figured the LEAST they can do is put a stamp on the outside!! GEEZ!! I mean, as guests, WE are doing THEM the favor of replying (which is why it is usually worded...the favor of a reply....) so they can get a head-count.

A new twist on this that I have seen lately is a pre-paid calling card that is pre-printed with your wedding invites (so it will say something like "Jack & Jill would love for you to call them using this card and let them know if you are able to attend" whatever) -- then they can leave a message too. I think that it would be good for people who KNOW everyone they are sending these too -- for instance, my mom had a ton of friends that I did not know that came to our wedding. If I got a phone call from one of them, I would be like "who are you?" and prolly embarrass both of us.

But yes, as any good Southerner should know (okay - I am laying it on thick here people - don't get all pissy), I certainly pull out my fine stationery and write a reply whenever I am properly invited to attend such an event

[justamom]

I guess I've gotten lazy...I will say it in the gift card if there isn't a reply card included like-
"Though we can't be with you on your special day, we send our love and best wishes ..."

"We are looking forward to sharing this joyful day. I can't wait to meet "The poor SOB you got to MARRY you"! J/J