Wedding/bridal shower/baby shower fatigue?

[Blacksocialite]

Hello everyone,

A good friend of mine informed me today that she is suffering from 'wedding/baby shower/bridal shower fatigue.' The catalyst of her statement is that we just received bridal shower invites for a mutual friend getting married this fall.

I'm excited for the first time 40 year old bride.

My good friend...not so much.

She said that she's emotionally exhausted from all of the celebrations because she dateless and lonely.

I don't know what to say (I'm rarely at a lost for words or advice).

This is not a financial issue, this is purely emotional.

She said the whole process of preparing for any of these events drains her. She added that it was fun when we were younger (she's 39, I'm 37), but after fifteen years of attending events (and holding out hope and prayers that your turn is coming), she's 'just tired.'

I read a few articles on this topic but they were lame.

Suggestions

[RedefinedDiva]

I know exactly what you mean. I just went to a high school friend/Soror's wedding on Saturday. I know of another Soror that was married that day as well. I have a classmate/Soror that is planning a wedding right now and she is keeping me posted with every minor detail. One of my little cousins is preganant with her third child. And that's just right off the top of my head. Everytime I blink my eyes, someone else is getting engaged, married, or pregnant. It really is tiring. Why? Because it's NOT ME!!!!

Though I am only 28, I can imagine the pressure that I would feel at 37+ and I still had no prospects. I do feel immense pressure to just "settle down" at times. However, I think that God always has a greater plan for us. I think that we really do have to look deep within ourselves and be sure that we are REALLY ready for the commitment of marriage and babies.

For instance, this weekend while at the wedding, I felt great happiness for her. On the other hand, I just sat and imagined what my own bridesmaids would wear and what kind of gown I'd pick out for myself. I studied her wedding program and thought about what I'd add to my own and what parts I could do without. However, not long after, I thought about waking up to the same person day after day. I thought about my OCS ("Only Child Syndrome" ~ a "disorder" that I created) and how I can tire easily of being around people. I thought about him getting tired of me. I had a very minor panic attack. This showed me that perhaps I'm not as ready as I claim to be.

I won't EVEN discuss babies because they STILL baffle me to this very day! I JUST had a conversation with a friend about not knowing the FIRST thing about babies. I can't even imagine it!

Soror Blacksocialite, the most that I can offer is that I try to remain confident that it WILL be me one day and imagine how horrible it would be if all my friends decided that they were just too "tired" to help me celebrate. I know that when God's perfect timing for my marriage and kids occurs in my life, all of my worries will fall away and it will be more than I could even dream and hope for. Perhaps you can take that same approach. Treat each bridal/baby shower or wedding like HGTV. Pick them apart and decide what you WILL do differently/alike for your own event (because it WILL happen). Help your friends celebrate as you would want them to be there for you.

Another thing to keep in mind is that everything isn't all candy canes and lollipops behind the scenes. While I believe that babies are blessings, I don't believe the same is true for weddings. I do know someone that is going to be married soon, but the relationship is based on a lie. She has been dipping out on her fiance and still plans to be married. Will I attend the wedding? Yes. Does that circumstance made me envious that she is getting married and I'm not? Hell no. I said that to reinforce that not all situations are what they appear to be on the surface.

Stay strong, Soror!!

[AKA_Monet]

You would want to go to my website (or tell your friend to do so) in that we have several articles dealing with this issue...

IDK what to tell you to tell your friend? It sounds like she allowing "external things" define her "internal truisms". And that is what needs to be sorted out before you include a someone as a mate in a longterm relationship, IMHO.

Also, There is many GC AKA Ave women on here that are over 35 years old. I think a handful of us are married. So there are numerous women that are unmarried, or without a relationship, and lonely. But, I can tell you in my committed 5 years, I get extremely lonely at times even when my husband is next to me snoring... There is no such thing as girl-talk with a husband. LOL.

[SummerChild]

Soror, Looking at this, you may point out to her that the bride herself is 40. Therefore, obviously, there are still opportunities for marriage at her age (39), as she is even younger than the bride.

I think that we, as women, should focus on a couple of things.

1. When it is G-D's time for us to have a marriage, we will.

2. Marriage is not the end all be all. So you get married. Ok, then what? So what? (And this is from a person in a serious relationship). My point in saying this is to say that, as women, I hear girlfriends all the time hoping and wishing to be married. Really, for what? It is not like life ends at that point in time, neither does it begin at that point in time. I think it's healthy to perhaps realize that marriage is not the end all be all, it's not going to make her happy or whole or even necessarily keep her company. I can feel Soror AKAMonet's point to an extent as I was in another serious relationship for two years and was absolutely lonely and bored out of my mind. And he, by all accounts, on paper, was a good catch. All of this to say, perhaps a revamping of perspective may help your friend.

3. Now, if she is still dead set that she would really like for it to be her, then I will share with her my personal tips for whatever they may be worth. They have kept me somewhat gainfully dating - even in Atlanta where the ratio is supposedly bad for women. Whatever.
Here are my tips:
a) Dating is a numbers game. The more you date, the more chances you have to meet that special person. Accordingly, go out alot and, more importantly, when you are out, position yourself to be approached by men of interest, i.e., stand next to him, smile, ask for the time, compliment him on his watch, ask if this is a good place for professionals, whatever. Just make up a reason to talk to him. If he is even moderately interested, he will bite.
b) Always be pulled together, to some extent. Lose any ponytails, pull backs, sweatpants, etc. If she's got a nice shape, she should wear somewhat form-fitting clothes and heels as much as possible. Men.are.carnal.creatures. They will bite.
c) Check the "I'm never going to find anyone" attitude at the door and, as importantly, stop engaging in girlfriends with that convo. Any woman will need to revamp her attitude to attract quality men. If she thinks she will not find anyone or everyone is up to no good, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Besides, the girlfriends that she's talking to probably don't have anyone either. What's the point? Misery loves company I guess. But I thought the point was to find a man. I digress.
d) Stop going to events with girlfriends - go alone. It is much easier for a man to approach a woman by herself. Further, a woman cannot use her girlfriends as a convenient crutch to converse with all night long. When you're by yourself, you have no choice but to mingle, or look crazy. The real secret is that most women do not mingle with men when they go out. They simply stay in a corner or wherever with their girlfriends. How do I know? Because over my many years of mingling, I have noticed that I am one of only few women actually walking around talking to people (including men, especially the cute ones that I'm interested in) and working the room. One need only be a woman standing in the middle of the room to notice that she is almost entirely alone surrounded by a sea of men, as all of the other women are on the periphery with their girlfriends.

That's my two cents. I hope that it helps her or someone reading this post.

SC

Originally Posted by Blacksocialite

Hello everyone,

A good friend of mine informed me today that she is suffering from 'wedding/baby shower/bridal shower fatigue.' The catalyst of her statement is that we just received bridal shower invites for a mutual friend getting married this fall.

I'm excited for the first time 40 year old bride.

My good friend...not so much.

She said that she's emotionally exhausted from all of the celebrations because she dateless and lonely.

I don't know what to say (I'm rarely at a lost for words or advice).

This is not a financial issue, this is purely emotional.

She said the whole process of preparing for any of these events drains her. She added that it was fun when we were younger (she's 39, I'm 37), but after fifteen years of attending events (and holding out hope and prayers that your turn is coming), she's 'just tired.'

I read a few articles on this topic but they were lame.

Suggestions

[Infamous12]

^^^ And let the church say, Amen!

[Blacksocialite]

This is all great advice/tips.

I'm tryin' to help the sista. Just keep me in prayer.

[darling1]

Black Socialite, I can empathize with your friend. SC made some excellent points. Marriage is not the be and end all. It is just one aspect of your life. It sounds like your friend needs to GET A LIFE. What I mean is, perhaps this is a good time to self reflect. See what it is she truly wants. I nice conversation with God is in order. If she truly desires to be married, then it take preparation. She needs to get herself right and ready to receive her mate. If she is just feeling unfiulfilled then maybe a career change or a change of scenery might help. pick up a new hobby, travel-stepping outside of the comfort zone might kick her spirits up a notch.

Black Socialite, you come off as someone who is on the go. Maybe you ladies can go sky diving, do an ecotour in Costa Rica, or take dance lessons.

I hope my suggestions help.

[SummerChild]

If she is into nature, an ecotour through Costa Rica might really be fun. I traveled to Costa Rica this time last year and it is the most green place that I've ever seen. Beautiful country.

Here I am playing devil's advocate again...
Ok, Darling1, I was reading your post and noting that you indicated that she may want to prepare herself for marriage if she wants to be married. Not that you said this, but I wanted to get your thoughts and other's thoughts about the following.

I posit that perhaps being married has nothing to do with getting one's self together or improving one's self. Maybe it's all about G-D's time for you. For example, how many people are a complete mess, yet still manage to find someone to marry. Look at Soror RD's friend. She's a proverbial mess (sorry RD, but it's true - I've got some friends who are messes too), stepping out on her man, and still wanting to get married. Perhaps a little more self-development was in order? Who knows. However, the fact remains, she's getting married. All of this to say, why do women sit around consoling each other talking about they have to work on themselves in order to get married. I think that it's good to improve ones self in general in life, but I think it's dangerous when self-improvement comes in the form of isolating one's self from the dating scene. Now, you didn't say this but I think alot of women think, I'll just focus on me for a year or so. Why does dating and self-improvement have to be mutually exclusive in some cases? Why does marriage and self-improvement have to be mutually exclusive in some cases?

Just some random thoughts,
SC

Originally Posted by darling1

Black Socialite, I can empathize with your friend. SC made some excellent points. Marriage is not the be and end all. It is just one aspect of your life. It sounds like your friend needs to GET A LIFE. What I mean is, perhaps this is a good time to self reflect. See what it is she truly wants. I nice conversation with God is in order. If she truly desires to be married, then it take preparation. She needs to get herself right and ready to receive her mate. If she is just feeling unfiulfilled then maybe a career change or a change of scenery might help. pick up a new hobby, travel-stepping outside of the comfort zone might kick her spirits up a notch.

Black Socialite, you come off as someone who is on the go. Maybe you ladies can go sky diving, do an ecotour in Costa Rica, or take dance lessons.

I hope my suggestions help.

[darling1]

let me answer a question you had toward the bottom, first. i feel that women tell each other to work on themselves because inherently we dont like to see our friends sad. we want them to be happy. we tend to see the flaws in others before we see them in ourselves. i think when women say, "work on yourself first." it is with that aspect in mind.

i realized after reading your post that i should have expounded on what i wanted to say. i did say that you must prepare to be married. you must be in a position to receive the mate that God wants you to have. that is generally true. you can be miss club diva out all night and expect to meet your mate. not can you be miss hotbutt nor miss spend-now-think-about-it-later-while-im livin-in-my-mommas-house. generally there are certain habits and behaviors that should be curtailed so you can be better prepared to share your life with someone else 24/7/365.

but it goes beyond that. marriage is just one step in the plan. ideally you should prepare yourself not only to receive your mate but to live your life with that person AFTER the honeymoon is over. this is where many of us get tripped up. i saw madeas family reunion a few night back. i remember at the wedding scene where they were exchanging vows; lisa--i think that's her name said "when i look at you i see i reflection of god's love for me". i thought that was a powerful statement. that has me thinking even more that God just wants us to have a relationship with him. HE wants us to be a reflection of all of his love for us. the act of marriage--the covenant, the work it takes to sustain it, the good, the bad, the intimacy, creating life, bringing life into this world, going to Glory, all of these are part of the walk. with all of it, you must be prepared. now some of us may be better prepared than others. some of us look at other folks and wonder how they managed to have a marriage and some dont. we simply dont know. we may never know because we arent God.

Yes, marriage does happen in God's time. Heck, every decision we make is suppose to be when he wants it to happen. that doesnt mean that you simply sit and wait for him. you continue to live, make positive self changes that will only make you stronger and healthier AND more intuned to the God in us. at some point He will reveal the plan. if marriage is in it, then with all of the work that you've done, you will be in a better position to receive that gift.

i hope i make sense. got distracted by the chirrens...lol

Originally Posted by SummerChild

If she is into nature, an ecotour through Costa Rica might really be fun. I traveled to Costa Rica this time last year and it is the most green place that I've ever seen. Beautiful country.

Here I am playing devil's advocate again...
Ok, Darling1, I was reading your post and noting that you indicated that she may want to prepare herself for marriage if she wants to be married. Not that you said this, but I wanted to get your thoughts and other's thoughts about the following.

I posit that perhaps being married has nothing to do with getting one's self together or improving one's self. Maybe it's all about G-D's time for you. For example, how many people are a complete mess, yet still manage to find someone to marry. Look at Soror RD's friend. She's a proverbial mess (sorry RD, but it's true - I've got some friends who are messes too), stepping out on her man, and still wanting to get married. Perhaps a little more self-development was in order? Who knows. However, the fact remains, she's getting married. All of this to say, why do women sit around consoling each other talking about they have to work on themselves in order to get married. I think that it's good to improve ones self in general in life, but I think it's dangerous when self-improvement comes in the form of isolating one's self from the dating scene. Now, you didn't say this but I think alot of women think, I'll just focus on me for a year or so. Why does dating and self-improvement have to be mutually exclusive in some cases? Why does marriage and self-improvement have to be mutually exclusive in some cases?

Just some random thoughts,
SC