Y'all, I got this email today at work. It is by far the most hilarious email that I have EVER gotten, and it is REAL. A dude I work with sent it to his boss and copied everyone in our department. Yes, he sent it on purpose. No he was not drunk. He sent it at 9AM this morning. Please, read the WHOLE thing. His email begins in black. I promise you will be LYAO. (names HAVE been changed to protect the innocent.) 
(If you are pressed for time, please read only the bold stuff)
Bosslady,
I am writing up
“talking points” for my
one-on-one with YourBossLady.
Could you
sit with me today so I can run it by you… maybe you could tell me what you think she might say?
Let’s try to
fix everything before I meet with YourBossLady.
Since my job has become a piece of cake and I have so much free time on my hands… I would be happy to give you some of that extra time… to assist you in any way and
make your job easier.
I will be in and out of my room all day. I passed out last night and just woke up. I’m sure I’ll be taking a few naps before check-in…
If I’m in my room, I’ll pick up my phone... this time.
If we get this resolved I know
you and I could be a
powerhouse team.
That’s just my brain’s opinion, but it is based on a very powerful gut instinct.
…I think you are confusing my confidence with “arrogance.”
…and my memory problems with “not being able to listen” …it’s really not that, it’s not being able to remember exactly what you said...
…and our break-down in communication with “inability to accept constructive criticism” …by the way, no one was allowed to yell, interject or get upset during my art criticism because the material was so incredibly personal and the room was full of artist-types: bipolar, touchy, moody, crazy, art students… In that crowd I was the outcast, “cold and robotic” engineer… but when I was in my engineering-student design teams, I was the completely insane, “idea guy,” and everyone always fought very hard over me being in their group. On one occasion there was almost a fist fight over what team I was on.
…and NO, I don’t “hide behind email” I work through my thinking with “stream of conscious” writing, so instead of sharing everything with you with this annoying volume of babble, just read the bold stuff and not the surrounding crap… like for example what you are reading right now… unless you come back to the email later… ok? It may be amusing at least… So why are you still reading this part? I am rambling again and you are still reading… Seriously, there is nothing at all worth reading here… for now, just try the bold stuff… it takes like 5 seconds to read this long-ass email. Ok, I’m just going to keep going and going and going until I make my point… yes I am being sarcastic, it’s my sense of humor. Laugh woman! Damn it, why do you have to be such a pain in the ass? Are really still reading this? Why? Don’t you have better things to do right now? Like, how about you try knocking on my door during my time off to yell at me again… Yeah, walk up here and see if I answer my door this time! Stop reading this. Seriously… ok, you obviously are just looking for something to get mad at me about… you really need Anger Management. Or maybe you and I could go see that movie sometime this week… I would love to know how it ended… or anything past the first 15 minutes for that matter, since I spent the rest of the time out in the hall harassing kids at random... That movie made me laugh so hard I almost went pee-pee in my pants twice. Are you drunk right now BossLady? No? Then stop reading this! Please! Why are you pushing me? I am asking you politely to do something, yet you keep reading this… Maybe that’s why the kids get mad at you, because you get mad at them, yell, point and get up in their face, you just don’t respect their personal space zone… Do I need to break out the purple hoola-hoop so you can learn what personal space is? We should take the entire boarding staff to see Anger Management this week, could that be officially scheduled? Yes, I am formally requesting that THE SCHOOL not only schedule this but pay for it to… or you could pay for it, Ms. Money-bags… There’s another good movie on it’s way out, “Daddy Day Care” …Ok I am typing so fast my fingers are crapping up, and the finger tip I cut off yesterday is making me continually miss the letter F, Opps! …I meant cx*t %SDsd f}ck@)(oisci… damn it! Ok… let me try this slowly… I keep missing… the letter…
4
THERE! I did it!! …What? WHAT!!! What the hell do you mean 4 is not a letter? Yes it is too a letter! Shut the hell up BossLady! You are proof reading this for spelling and grammar right now …isn’t you? Yes you are! And stop bitching at me all the time! 4 is still a letter and that’s final! Why are you so pressed lady??? Stop reading this! I am completely wasting your time with another “long, rambling email” but you have chosen to ignore me yet again… and you just keep reading???????
Ok. You must just be sick in the head… like, if I was still, like, a “mental health professional” and stuff… I would, like, have to say, like, in my professional unbiased opinion… you are a glutton for punishment and stress and you have pent-up frustration… don’t you have a boyfriend? You need to go get some ass… Hey that’s right, I said it… every house parent I have met so far has said it… and now the cat is out of the bag… BossLady just needs to get a piece…. Opps! I am sooooooo sorry… that wasn’t very professional at all. Let me put on my “All-business-thinking-cap” Ok, like I was saying… as a High and Mighty Mental Health Professional (My official former job title) I would say you are maybe ODD. That stands for “oppositional defiance disorder” In other words, to you, “yes” is “no,” “up” is “down,” and when someone insists and insists and insists on something, you do the exact opposite of what they are asking… as a way to feel in control… oh, WAIT! You don’t have ODD… I changed my mind… you are just a fucking control freak!!! With an addiction to micro-management! Don’t they make a pill for that now? I’ll pick some up for you on my way to that little town in Virginia… what was its name again? God damn this memory problem I have… did I ever tell you I have a memory problem? I keep forgetting if I did or not. …Oh yeah, it’s called Relax. Right, the name of the town that sells the pill that will
dissolve that giant stick up your ass is named Relax, VA. That would have been so much funnier if your first name was Virginia.
OK, you pushed me to a breaking point since you actually read this entire email… so you have a choice to make here BossLady… either grow a pair of balls and fire me, or go watch “Anger Management” with all us stupid, naïve, arrogant, overly idealistic, young know-it all Peon Workers and laugh you fucking ass off.
…How about you and I adopt these rules:
No yelling
No interjecting
No getting upset
No matter how furious we are with each other at the moment.
Sincerely,
LowlyPeon
Hilarious Email from Work
Linear Mode
