Should I be upset?

AlphaSigLana · #1 03-11-2003, 03:22 PM

Okay I know that guys can't be changed, but lately I have been very fed up with my bf who lives an hour away. He rarely calls--he used to call me everyday. When he does call it is only for a few mintues, yet he always has time for his friends. He sees me usually once every 2 weeks sometimes a few more times. Whenever we go out to eat--he asks his friends first and then calls and asks if I want to go. In the 21/2months we've dated we've only gone to dinner by ourselves 3 times. He also never compliments--which I tell him drives me nuts--I want to be told that he finds me attractive etc. I feel like I constantly bitch at him bc he doesn't compliment me, doesn't spend alone time with me etc so does this mean our relationship is doomed? I like his friends bc I grew up with them, but how can our relationship grow if we never get time to communicate?

The1calledTKE · #2 03-11-2003, 03:30 PM

Sounds like he isn't interested in dating. You sound like his back up and possibly a booty call.

Dionysus · #3 03-11-2003, 04:11 PM

I think only you can answer this. Different people ,different needs. I would be upset if a guy would put his friends first majority of the time. I would kick him to the curb for that. However, compliments are such a non-issue for me that I wouldn't even notice if he didn't compliment me...as long as he didn't insult me.

Have you talked to him about this?

ladybug1116 · #4 03-11-2003, 05:59 PM

Communication is key to any relationship..as you know. You can't force anyone to do anything that they don't want to do...they'll only resent you for it. This might sound harsh....and I really don't want it to....but I would be wary of a relationship that is having communication problems this early on. Usually relationships are still in the "honeymoon" phase at 2.5 months. Maybe he is starting to see you as more of a buddy??? Only you can know the details and true dynamics of the relationship....but it's something you need to examine now instead of dragging out an unhappy situation (if that's indeed what it is). I'm sorry your relationship is having trouble right now though...I hope things work out for the best.

Peaches-n-Cream · #5 03-11-2003, 06:56 PM

I agree that communication is the key here. Tell your bf what you want and need. The reality is that he might want something different from what you want.

AlphaSigLana · #6 03-11-2003, 07:26 PM

I do tell him what I need. He told me has never been good at giving or receiving compliments. Also I know that he has issues with females because his mom walked out on his family when he was 13, when he was 17 he dropped out of school to support himself working since his dad was laid off. Also, his ex-gf cheated on him and got pregnant. (IT has been a yr and half since they broke up--he is still friends with her though). SHe is married and lives in another state.

MTSUGURL · #7 03-11-2003, 07:46 PM

You've been together 2 1/2 months, and you don't feel like you're a priority. (at least that's what I'm hearing.) Most likely, this won't change. If this is his "best behavior" as the first few months often is, he's leaving alot to be desired. Why waste more time? If you know that you want someone who wants to spend time alone with you and compliments you, then find them. Don't stay with someone who is the opposite.

Just my $.02.

Edited to say - we all have issues with the opposite sex somewhere. Has everyone had nothing but perfect relationships? How many women have dealt with their fathers leaving, and how many men have dealt with their mothers leaving? If you want a healthy, loving relationship, find someone who is already healthy and loving.

Crystal

MereMere21 · #8 03-12-2003, 08:47 AM

I agree with Crystal - if he is like this now, then whats to be desired? I mean, every guy that I went out with that started off stupid, just became more idiotic as more time passed.

I wouldn't make excuses for him either, I mean we ALL have issues! - if you keep finding reasons to stay with him, you'll forget why you wanted to leave him and you'll end up miserable

SSS1365 · #9 03-12-2003, 09:26 AM

Ok, I agree with those who have said that it is probably not going to get any better. Since you're only 2 1/2 months into the relationship, now is the time to break it off if he's not making you happy. You should be happy in a relationship, not constantly frustrated because the person isn't being what you would like them to be.

That said, I would like to say that *sometimes* a guy can start off this way and then later change. When my fiance and I started dating, we lived 3 hours apart. There were times when I got so frustrated with his seeming to not care that I almost did break up with him. Even now I wonder why I never did. But now we live together and we're happily engaged, and I know that he loves me very much. In our situation, he pulled away before because of the distance.

So now that I've given two sides to the issue, I think it's clear that only you can decide what's best for you. But it seems to me that if he doesn't make an effort to spend time with just you when you ARE able to see each other, then this isn't a relationship that's going to work out.

Kevin · #10 03-12-2003, 09:55 AM

To be blunt... as little as you see him/hear from him, WHAT RELATIONSHIP?

KSig RC · #11 03-13-2003, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by AlphaSigLana
I feel like I constantly bitch at him bc he doesn't compliment me, doesn't spend alone time with me etc so does this mean our relationship is doomed?

If you bitched at me constantly, I wouldn't spend time alone with you either.

Are you kidding me?

Look at it like this - you've been 'going out' for almost 10 weeks - that's nothing, in a realistic sense. Also, this time has been "distance" relationship, making it even less than that. So why would you expect to suddenly take the place of his friends?

Simply put - they were there first, and if you continue to bitch at him, they'll be there last.

It sounds like you have horribly unrealistic expectations of this boy. It also sounds like you want him to capitulate, without you having to change at all - ie "give me what i want, you bastard, or you're an insensitive, incommunicative asshole" . . . that sounds fair huh?

Bottom line - don't expect anything unless you ask for it, and are willing to give the same in return . . . and NO, you're not doing that right now, although you think you are.

DeltaSig · #12 03-13-2003, 01:47 AM

agree with KT on this one. Too early to make a sound judgement. If it's this bad now wait until the later stages. That's when u really find out about a person. Good/Bad things come out. The first few months are mostly a facade anyway. IF u don't like it now get out.

MTSUGURL · #13 03-13-2003, 09:42 AM

KSig RC - She said she feels like she bitches at him - sounds like she realizes that's not great. Don't you think you're being a little too harsh? At least she's telling him her expectations, which a lot of girls don't do. Most of us expect you to just know. And surprise - if he's a good guy, these aren't unrealistic. She's not asking to come before his friends, just to be a priority and have time with him. Spending time together is one of the points in having a relationship.

AlphaSigLana, have you talked to him yet, or how are things going?

Crystal

AlphaSigLana · #14 03-13-2003, 10:57 AM

I'm pretty sure he dumped me. I talked to a mutual friend and he had talked to Jason, but Jason never talked about me. Ive called Jason numerous times . I also left a msg saying that since he hasn't returned my calls I'm assuming that is his way of dumping me. He won't return my calls and I know he isgetting them bc his cell will ring a lot then I leave a msg. I called back later and his phone was off. I'm really upset. a Lot of gc'ers know from previous posts how important it was to me to be in a relationship. MY #1 dream was to find someone and marry right after I graduated college. Well I graduate in a year and I know that I am not getting married by then. I feel like a reject for being 21 and the longestrelationship of my life was 3 months. I made it out of bed,but I keep getting teary eyed and crying and I'm trying to compse myself before class. Life feels so hopeless.

33girl · #15 03-13-2003, 11:09 AM

Lana - I used to have that same dream, but it did not come true, thank God!!! Or I'd probably be a divorced single mom by now.

You have a whole world in front of you - everyone goes through different experiences at different times - don't feel like you are on a timetable. The more you want something, the more it will elude you. I feel like I'm just spewing cliches at you but trust me, there is NO reason to feel like you're a reject.