The Onion looks at rush

hoosier · #1 02-10-2003, 12:08 PM

Frat rush to be hella tight
Jon Miller
Satirical Columnist - the Onion
February 05, 2003

As this spring rush approaches, fraternities at Chico State University are frantically trying to make this year's turnout "the sickest ever," inside sources reported Monday.
"Bro, this rush is going to be hella tight, yo," said Interfraternity Council spokesman Todd Warnerdam, known to his fraternity brothers as "The Toddster." "We at IFC are making a number of new advancements and preparations that will ensure a successful rush."

He later added, "Did I mention the strippers?"

IFC rush is slated to begin Feb. 15 with house tours. Prospective rushees will meet on campus, where members of the IFC will provide free pizza and transportation to each of Chico's fraternity houses. Members of each fraternity are already making up lies about their respective houses.

"Didn't you know that the Beta house was where they filmed the balcony scene in 'Gone With the Wind?' Probably not, since I made the whole thing up," said Brad Vanderbeek, president of Beta Theta Pi.

Other fraternities are also preparing similar falsehoods. Reportedly, the Chi Tau house is "completely devoid of cockroaches," and brothers living in the Alpha Gamma Rho house "never have relations with livestock."

"Well Jon, we at IFC are simply trying to show our fraternities in the best possible light," said IFC officer P.R. Spinner. "I mean, you wouldn't want to join a fraternity if you knew you were forced to drink a gallon of milk in 20 seconds. Doesn't it sound better if you were told instead that fraternities here care about calcium, which has been scientifically proven to aid development of healthy teeth and bones?"

Spinner has prepared a list of other fraternity facts for rushees in a booklet entitled "Brotherhood for Dummies." According to the booklet, "Pledging a fraternity is no different than taking an extra three-unit class," and "Pledges will meet hella chicks."

But one of the more important aspects of fraternity life, Spinner said, is the fraternity house. To make ready for the coming house tours, fraternities have actually started to wash, sweep and mop -- a process known as "cleaning."

"Yes, I know -- it's extraordinary. But we are cleaning our fraternity houses," Spinner said. "And unlike the past, we are not forcing our pledges to do the dirty work, oh no. Instead, we have enlisted the aid of our new initiates, who pledged last semester, to clean our houses. They have, after all, the most experience -- that is, until our new pledges arrive."

Perhaps the most groundbreaking move by fraternities this year is their involvement in sensitivity training. Because rush is a time when brothers must treat rushees with respect, chapter presidents have asked their members to attend training to learn these new qualities. The results were mixed.

"My first few days at training were difficult, I'll admit," said Theta Chi member Phil Herup. "The counselors kept asking me to smile and shake hands with them when all I wanted to do was call them stupid insects and make them do push-ups. These are difficult habits to break."

But Sigma Chi member Dylan McKay showed immediate progress.

"I had trouble at first, but then a counselor gave me a great tip." McKay said. "He told me to treat rushees like I would treat a girl. So I put on my best smile and listened attentively to everything the rushee said. It worked great."

He later added, "I still have to try not to buy the rushee a drink and call him a 'tease' when he refuses to come home with me. But, thankfully, there's still time."

Jon Miller is only joking and can be reached at:jmiller@orion-online.net

KerriMarie · #2 02-10-2003, 03:52 PM

I love The Onion - I think this is hilarious.

jonsagara · #3 02-10-2003, 04:10 PM

Nicely done.

Shark In Skirt · #4 02-10-2003, 04:36 PM

This is too funny! I love the "This rush is gonna be hella tight, yo"

XOXO,
Annie

Munchkin03 · #5 02-10-2003, 05:27 PM

In preparation for this semester's recruitment, I was known to repeat, "this rush is going to be hella tight!"

I think the balcony scene bit was pretty funny. Houses are always coming up with urban legends, and it's pretty cool that the Onion noticed that.

josh8o · #6 02-10-2003, 05:32 PM

haha
NICE! this was funny
i loved all the "hella" comments---you know it's nor-cal!!

Shark In Skirt · #7 02-10-2003, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by josh8o
haha
NICE! this was funny
i loved all the "hella" comments---you know it's nor-cal!!

Josh, are you from Nor-Cal?

I am, and was SHAMED out of saying "hella" by the crazy So-Cal kids.

XOXO,
Annie

Kevin · #8 02-10-2003, 05:35 PM

The Onion is blocked from my computers at work.

josh8o · #9 02-10-2003, 05:40 PM

lol, yes i am. i can remember when i was a junior in high school, i went to boys state (its a thing with guys from all over california) i got so much shit for saying hella...i slowly lost it. by the time i got down to sd it was all good--i was "hella" free! lol

Quote:

Originally posted by Shark In Skirt
Josh, are you from Nor-Cal?

I am, and was SHAMED out of saying "hella" by the crazy So-Cal kids.

XOXO,
Annie

bruinaphi · #10 02-10-2003, 06:04 PM

I would think you Nor-Cal people would be past that by now. When I went through rush way back in 1992, I remember people from Nor-Cal using the term "hella" and being very confused. I finally asked my rho chi what it meant (yes, I was a bit naive). It just isn't a So-Cal term!!!

EagleChick19 · #11 02-10-2003, 06:36 PM

LOL!

This is funny and well done.

Lil' Hannah · #12 02-10-2003, 09:16 PM

Dylan McKay

isn't that Luke Perry's character from 90210? just curious...

sugar and spice · #13 02-11-2003, 12:36 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lil' Hannah
Dylan McKay

isn't that Luke Perry's character from 90210? just curious...

I thought the name sounded familiar! I was trying to place it . . . .

AlphaXiAsh · #14 02-11-2003, 12:53 AM

I'm from Nor cal too, but I live in florida now...when I moved here, I said "hella" and "tight" all the time until I got tired of being mocked all the time, lol. reading that I was like "that is so home"...I loved it

I also got laughed out of saying "freeway" and saying "lets go to safeway" out of force of habit when I needed to go to the grocery store, lol.

Glitter650 · #15 02-11-2003, 01:21 AM

OH MY GOSH !! I got SOOO MUCH C^&_! for saying hella from my So-Cal ex boyfriend !
I don't understand why it's such a big deal.. I mean Gwen Stafani thought it was cool enough to make a whole song out of it...so I think all of you who think hella sounds stupid or think it's too "nor- Cal" are just "hella trippin"
wow... all of this talk has made me Hella hungry I think I need to take the freeway (but just 101, not THE 101 like you So-Cal people would say) to Safeway and buy some groceries