Platonic or Relationship Waiting to Happen?

Shireen · #1 10-13-2000, 02:19 PM

I considered myself having 3 male platonic relationships. By the way, all are Alpha Men. We talked about everything and I do mean everything. Communication lines were open. Then, two of the three established some serious relationships. One just recently got married. When it came time for him to propose, he never told me. I found out months down the line. He moved in with her and did not give me the number until I contacted him at work. He felt awkward discussing wedding plans, etc. I could not understand that. I thought we were JUST FRIENDS and here he was treating me like I was some "fly by night" lover that he was running from. No, we never were intimate and we have been friends for over 15 years. So, were we just FRIENDS? Can men and women seriously be JUST FRIENDS or is someone else always thinking "I wonder if...?"

The Original Ape · #2 10-13-2000, 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Shireen:
I considered myself having 3 male platonic relationships. By the way, all are Alpha Men. We talked about everything and I do mean everything. Communication lines were open. Then, two of the three established some serious relationships. One just recently got married. When it came time for him to propose, he never told me. I found out months down the line. He moved in with her and did not give me the number until I contacted him at work. He felt awkward discussing wedding plans, etc. I could not understand that. I thought we were JUST FRIENDS and here he was treating me like I was some "fly by night" lover that he was running from. No, we never were intimate and we have been friends for over 15 years. So, were we just FRIENDS? Can men and women seriously be JUST FRIENDS or is someone else always thinking "I wonder if...?"

How can a person ignore someone that has been in their corner throught thick and thin? A person that has proven themself trustworthy, unselfish, and caring? When you have someone like that(of the opposite sex), it can be hard NOT to look closer at them-or not to fall in love with them. If that happens, you know it will change things; so, you don't tell that person, and try to hide it-like a fool(as if you could)! That's probably what happened to you. Maybe he felt deeper feelings for you, met and got with the other lady, heard from you and felt awkward.

Shireen · #3 10-13-2000, 03:39 PM

The funny part is we were talking throughout this period. How can you just forget to mention to your so-called Best Friend that you are going to get married. That is so crazy to me. Every Valentine's Day we exchanged cards, birthdays, etc. Once he hooked up with the wifey that ceased. This is the first B-day in 15 years, where I did not hear his voice. It is a trip. I cannot lie I cared about him deeply, but we became friends early on. I accepted the FRIENDSHIP and removed all of the other feelings. I looked at him as a BIG BROTHER. I am a little worried about platonic relationships now.

AuLait · #4 10-14-2000, 12:25 AM

Hello Everyone,
Him not discussing it sounds a bit odd. I do have to say and this is just a guess. Maybe he thought that his girlfriend wouldnt approve of the friendship one time relationship. So out of respect for her decided to keep you at a distance. Maybe he didnt want his girlfriend to feel threatened by your presence. Maybe he didnt know how to tell you that your friendship would be severly altered by his decision to marry and his actions spoke louder than his words. I say all of these things because I too was in your situation. My one time boyfriend and bestfriend, proposed to his girlfriend and didnt say a thing. He told me that she felt threatened by our friendship and relationship. His family loves me and they try not to talk about me in front of her so that there wont be any intimidation. She couldnt see why he and I were so close. She also felt that he must be hiding something because she should be everything he needs in a friend. (those are just some things to think about that happened in my situation)
As a result he and I don't talk like we use to and he tries to have a friendship with me behind her back. (All of that is not cool) My question to you is have you ever met his girlfriend, if she is the reason for all of that maybe you can foster a friendship with her and he wont feel like he has to keep important moments in his life from you.

By the way there is an article in Essence Magazine's November issue called Strictly Platonic discussing if men and women can be "just friends." (p.106) check it out its a good read guys.

Professor · #5 10-16-2000, 02:56 PM

Were you listening to my conversation last weekend (lol)? I was discussing this same issue of sorts. In my case, some of my closest female friends and I met prior to sixth grade. Now that we are adults and some have husbands and boyfriends, etc., all I hear is my husband this OR boyfriend that. We can't even go to dinner or lunch without my girls stating "I've got to ask my husband or check with him first." Give me a break! I remember when the chicks met the guys and have even been a participant IN many of their weddings. Now there is this fear of security. One would think that after knowing another for more than fifteen years of friendship if a romantic relationship or sexual encounter has not occurred then it is safe that parties will always be just
F R I N D S!

Post Script: Why do women also say "my husband" and not the brother's name?

LadyAKA · #6 10-16-2000, 06:05 PM

Hello men, of distinguished brotherhood and all sisters in the places, I have arrived once again in your neck of Greek chat and I wanted to comment on the topic at hand.

First to answer the post: I think men and women can be good friends/best friends, at one point or another something is lurking in the minds of one or both, but when you find out it may not be what the other wants then you either choose not be friends anymore or since you have past the hurdle of "I want him, does he want me" or vice versa then your friendship starts to blossom and become more real, and even deeper. I feel that if you are such good friends then you both should not be afraid to speak on the feelings that may or may not be there. Personally, I would have to say that, the man in question was wrong for not at least telling you what's up in his life, after 15 years, I (me as the females friend) would be like so am I in the wedding and when can I meet her. Obviously he did not want to start no mess in the new relationship he has but he should have made a better judgement on what to do. I think you too were really close, and maybe too close for his new love to handle, still all in all he made bad judgment on how to deal with it.

Now professor, I think women throw out the husband bit just so other people will know she has a man ... I personally, would make the introduction, this is husband, XXX, and then from then on refer to him by his name(XXX). Now if we are close I should not have to make the introduction but one time, if I say let me check with XXX first because he may have something already planned, and your next comment is who is XXX, that means you did not care when I introduced him the first time. I am not great with names, but I really hate that excuse. If you care, you would pull out one of the those memory techniques from grade school and log names, and places you met people.

Eclipse · #7 10-16-2000, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Professor:

Post Script: Why do women also say "my husband" and not the brother's name?

Some folks say it cause they are so happy they have one that they don't know what to do, others have to remind themselves!!

Lil' bit · #8 10-16-2000, 08:49 PM

Hello Sorors, Frat, and friends
I truly believe that men and women can be good friends without there being any sort of attraction. I feel that the young man should have told you he was getting married, especially if you guys were so close and just friends. I don't know, maybe he was unsure of how his significant other would react. But on that same note, I wonder why his significant other would not know how close you two were. For example, I have a male friend who I have known since the 4th grade. We are now 25 years old. When he met his now significant other, I knew about it and she knew about me, even though we did not meet for almost 2 years. We were in different places. However, When she moved out to where we both were, she knew exactly who I was and when he'd call me or I'd call him, I'd say tell XXX hello. And she'd say "hello" when are you coming by so we can go out". His signifcant other and I are cool friends and we chat on the phone. They live together and sometimes I call his home to speak to her. We go out together and she has even made comments like, "you know you are in the wedding, you're his best friend." So,I think in those situations, like Professor has said, there should be no insecurities. HE and I have known eachother for ages..... Just my $.08...

tickledpink · #9 10-18-2000, 10:32 PM

I also think that platonic relationships are possible, but it sounds like he may have had some feelings for you because he hid the whole thing.
To be honest, that would have been a very awkward situation --- knowing that you once had feelings for him, but "pushed them aside" how would you have fit into the equation? His wife is now his best female friend. You still could have been friends, but your friendship would have altered. I honestly don't feel that he could have continued to send you a Valentine's Day card, etc, without compromising his relationship with his new wife. So, unfortunatley, he had to make a choice (as hurtful as it is).

Yes, he should have told you, then it all could have been in the open and your feelings would have been spared. That's what a true friend usually does, but giving him the benefit of the doubt --- maybe he just didn't know how to handle it ( & that's still not a good excuse). Who knows, perhaps you and she could have been friends. One of my closest platonic male friends is now closer to my husband than to me, but males bond differently. Also, it was tough in the beginning because everyone knew he had a "crush" on me in the past. But after we double dated with him and his girlfriend, it was fine.

[This message has been edited by tickledpink (edited October 18, 2000).]

MIDWESTDIVA · #10 10-18-2000, 10:41 PM

I am just jealous that everyone gets to have platonic friendships, but me.

Men never, ever want to be just friends with me. They always want MORE!

WHY???

------------------
We often give our enemies the means for our own destruction.

Aesop c550 BC

[This message has been edited by MIDWESTDIVA (edited October 18, 2000).]

Professor · #11 10-20-2000, 08:49 AM

MIDWESTDIVA,

You must R E A L L Y have it goin' on

! In any event, I can be your chat buddy (lol).

AKA_Monet · #12 10-25-2000, 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by MIDWESTDIVA:
I am just jealous that everyone gets to have platonic friendships, but me.

Men never, ever want to be just friends with me. They always want MORE!

WHY???

I agree with you MIDWESTDIVA!!! For I am a Jealous woman--like GOD's jealous... There are no others before me!!! It's not to sound possessive, but, I'm one of those women that can't handle men's women friends... You don't date me, then hang out with your girl... I'm sorry. But from my experience, not only the man wants more, the woman probably does, too!