Dude Advice - Beware

[volgirl2376]

I need some major advice…or guidance…or words of wisdom – whatever you want to call it.

His name is Mike. We started talking about 2 or 3 weeks ago – we went to the same schools growing up and he is now in the marines (getting out and moving back here in august). We talked what seemed like 24 hours a day on the phone and online nonstop. He would tell me that he thought I was this awesome girl and although I was worried about meeting him – he said it would be okay and that he promised to never use me.

So last weekend we met. I knew way ahead of time he wasn’t driving 7 hours just to meet me – he had this trip planned before we even started talking and he hasn’t been home since Thanksgiving. He was meeting his best friend David at 6am on Saturday to spend the day fishing – and it was also Easter weekend. He had to see his mom and his sister and her kids – and go see his dad. I understood all of this and I was cool – very supportive of him not worrying about me, but spending time with his family and friends. He got to my house late on Friday. He took a shower, I gave him a massage, we laid around on the sofa and watched tv for awhile. We went to bed and yes all that happened – 3 times. We stayed up until he had to leave – talking and just laying there. He kissed me a few times goodbye and said he would see me later, but I didn’t see him the rest of his trip home.

I did feel okay about it because he called me at least 5 or 6 times on Saturday just to check in and tell me what he was doing and asking what I was doing. We talked again a few times on Sunday, and although I was disappointed that I didn’t get to see him before he left – I played it cool. Besides, he wrote me an email early Monday when he woke up telling thanking me for understanding, and that he would be back home in a few weeks and we could spend more time together then.

Now it is Wednesday. He hasn’t called me since he left on Sunday – which I find weird because we used to talk all the time. We have talked on the computer, and he has mentioned several times that he is coming back into town in a few weeks - and things are feeling a little bit more like they used to. But I am struggling with the idea of just flat out asking him if what happened on Friday was a one time thing or what. I don’t want to scare him away or pressure him or demand some kind of commitment – I just want to know where things stand. I don’t know how to do this though…

What is your honest opinion of what happened ? And should I try to get some answers from him or just wait it out? I don’t want to come off as this psycho girl. Its not that I want this big time relationship either, I just like to know where things are at.

Be kind

[AXJules]

Tell him what you just told us (not the whole thing, he'll be like, girl I was there! LOL).

Just say, look I am not trying to freak you out, but I was wondering what your take on Friday was. I know it was kinda random and I just wanted to know what you thought.

Things don't sound that bad. If I read correctly he called you like all day Sat. and on Sunday too??? Sounds like he just was really busy when he came home. Especially if you've talked to him since he left.

Granted, you only talked on computer, but that's definitely better than nothing. And he called you first on Sat.-- another good thing. He probably is a lil freaked out, like you, and is trying to gradually ease back to how you had it before.

Call him and just casually ask what's up.

[lifesaver]

You said so yourself in your post...

My advice, dont talk to him about it. You told him numerous times you were cool with it all. Now youre not cool with him not being there or a little anxious about a lack of a call? The time for nervousness is before the deed - not after. If you ask him about it, he'll think you werent honest with him when you told him you were cool with his limited time committments. You both knew what was up... As hard as it could be, just chill. He'll call you back. Maybe hees busy. Or really tired. It is possible you know.

[James]

Don't play it cool. Try calling him as if nothing is wring and try to make plans . . . whatever plans would be next anyway in whatever type of relationship you are trying to develop.

Also, if he lives seven hours away I wouldn't get too worked up abou things.

For the other part. Lifesaver is right. You said you were cool with it. I am not sure he would know what kind of validation you might want from him?

[FuzzieAlum]

Recently I was involved with a guy who did something similar ... when I asked him what was up, because he was acting distant, he said absolutely nothing, he was fine, I was fine, he liked me. Then I never heard from him again. (And I know he's alive and well and not trapped under a heavy object.)

Lesson: If the guy doesn't have the balls to be up front with you, confronting him won't do a lick of good. He'll just weasel out of it.

I think your feelings are perfectly reasonable. You were cool with the hooking up, not with the subsequent noncommunicative act. Wanting to hear from him isn't the same as wanting a ring, wanting a boyfriend, or even wanting more sex. It's wanting an acknowledgment that you two had fun at the least.

But if you're going to talk to him, it'll be to relieve your feelings - don't expect any satisfaction out of him.

If worse comes to worse, get a package of Pillsbury cookie dough and a six-pack of wine coolers and watch trashy movies. Well, it works for me, anyway.

[volgirl2376]

well i do have some good news - i am not a statistic

we were casually chatting on IM and we were talking about past relationships and i asked him if he had ever dated someone who was needy and couldnt let go. he said he was always very honest with people and i said i was as well. i went on to say that i hoped things were cool between us and he said yes, but as he told me before we met he isnt sure if he wants to get into a serious relationship until he gets out of the marines in august and moves back here. i told him i completely agreed because i wasnt looking for that right now either, and that i just enjoyed talking to him and hanging out with him - he said he felt the same way and we are both glad we are on the same page.

after that, everything went back to normal and i enjoyed another 4 hour marathon phone conversation last night

thanks for the advice

[FuzzieAlum]

Yay! Glad it went well.