I do and do and do for you kids, and this is the thanks I get!

33girl · #1 09-14-2002, 06:55 PM

This is a bitchy/venty post, so if you don't want to read that move on, nothing to see here.

I am so sick of being the one who keeps the friendship going.

I am sick of doing things to try and make peoples' lives easier and having them be ignored or blown off or assumed.

I am sick of you putting up with anything your PIG boyfriend says, and not giving a SISTER any slack whatsoever in her actions or trying to understand what is behind them and how they might have been your fault.

I am sick of being the go-to girl and having people say it's because I haven't grown up. You don't have a problem taking advantage of anything I do that might help you, mofo!

I am sick of people who say they are with me and then disappear.

It was 3/5/10/15 years ago, let it the @$%# go!!

I can't keep track of who is mad at whom and why. I drink too much to keep up with everyone's hidden agendas and grudges.

OK, I feel much better now. Thank you, drive through.

#2 09-15-2002, 12:05 AM

Heh, we must know the same people

justamom · #3 09-15-2002, 08:01 AM

Sounds like you have been given a role that you've outgrown, but nobody wants to let you change the dynamics of the group.
There will always be "givers" and "takers".

In HS, my daughter felt many of your feelings except she would say, "Why do I have to be everyone's cheerleader?" Her role was always to give the support, applaud their successes, counsel them and smooth out any rough spots in friendships. HOWEVER, it wasn't reciprocated because a lot of her friends were very self absorbed. College brought new friends, sisters, and the old friends blasted her for a while. They missed her "bravos" and support. Now, she has friends who are with her and for her as she is for them.
YOU may need to bring new people into your life in order to get the support and respect YOU deserve.

librasoul22 · #4 09-15-2002, 12:38 PM

33girl, sometimes I step back and evaluate the people I keep around me. I categorize them into:

1. TRUE friends
2. Acquaintances
3. People I can do without.

It is a bell curve, lol.

I can really empathize with you. I used to be just like you, always offering myself because I JUST knew that people would do the same. Kind of a rude awakening when they don't. But as soon as you realize it, you are better of anyway. Good luck with your situation!

Dionysus · #5 09-17-2002, 12:40 PM

I feel you 33girl, I think it's best to remember that most people are masochistic. They don't like being respected. I'm no longer nice to people anymore, unless they really deserve it.

I agree w/ JAM, a change in your social circle won't hurt.

amycat412 · #6 09-17-2002, 01:19 PM

I feel you 33girl! I often feel like if I didnt make the call, make the plans, send the emails--that the friendship(s) would cease to exist--and that bugs. So sometimes I do just STOP. And you know what? Your true friends will step up and make the effort.

violets · #7 09-17-2002, 05:57 PM

33girl,
Well, I relate very strongly to what you posted. I have always been a "caretaker" and I am good at it, if I do say so myself. I have been an "amateur" therapist for friends since I was 12. Well, I decided I had enough of it, I was feeling taken advantage of, carrying the weight of everyone's problems and not having it reciprocated. To change the way things were I had to take some actions that were not necessarily things I wanted to do. I had to admit that it takes two to tango, and that I had helped create the dynamic of these friendships by my own behaviors. I was consistently availabe, even when it wasn't convenient for me, I didn't properly express when I needed assistance, so I left people guessing, I never talked about myself, but would always ask and listen intently to all the details of my friends lives (well, I have to say this is what I was "taught" to do when I was a child).
So, understanding this I changed the way I dealt with friends.
For example, I decided that calls at work were interfering with my business, so I stopped talking to my friends at work. This caused some ruffled feathers, but nothing too bad. I also decide that I would email people only twice a day. Here again, this was not comfortable for all of my friends, I would recieve messages saying "WHERE ARE YOU, I'M IN A CRISIS??"...too bad, I had made a personal policy and I was sticking to it.
Finally, I had some confrontations with friends just becuase of these simple actions. Some were furious with me, and actually accused me of SELFISHNESS! That really made me see things even more clearly. I realized that I was not selfish that they were projecting onto me the very worst of their own characteristics. So, I have sympathy for them and their difficulties, but these are not people who are really capable of true friendships right now.
Finally, I really did pursue new friendships and reinvigorate older ones. This year has been the very best of my life because I decided to do this.
I do recommend that you set up "boundaries" for your friends. Decide what you will and will not put up with. Then definitely try and expand your circle. We all have people at work, at church, at the gym whom we always think we should ask to go for coffee, or to the movies, but we don't do it, well, ASK. Friends are an essential part of life, we would not all be so enamored of our greek experiences if we didn't know that to be true. 33girl, you deserve the best and you can have it.
violets