on the topic of legacies...dilemma

GCRegular · #1 04-16-2001, 04:56 PM

Here's the deal. I am a regular, but I'm not sure who reads this, and I don't want to piss anyone associated with my chapter off.

Anyway, the legacies topic got me thinking about rush this coming fall. There's going to be a triple legacy here this fall. He has two brothers and a father who are brothers from this chapter. I've met the kid once, so I'm not 100% on my opinion of him, and plan to give him a chance in the fall, but I think he's a complete dork.

My question is this, how should we go about dealing with this in the fall, if we decide not to extend a bid? I don't want to alienate 3 alumni by not bidding him, but I also don't want to let someone in the chapter that we don't feel will fit in.

Thanks for any advice.

dzrose93 · #2 04-16-2001, 05:07 PM

My advice is to give him a chance. Kids can change a lot in just a few months, so definitely wait until you've hung around him during Rush a few times before you form an opinion.

If, at the end of that time, you and your brothers still feel that he might not do well in your chapter, break the news to him as gently as possible. For all you know, he may be interested in pledging elsewhere anyway! Also, to prevent alienating alumni, I would call all three of the alums personally (let your rush chairman, president or alumni advisor make the phone call) and explain that you like the guy but do not feel that he would fit in with your chapter, that he might be happier somewhere else. There will be hurt feelings regardless of how politely you do this, but making the extra effort to personally give attention to the matter will go a long way in soothing sore feelings. Hope this helps... Again, let me reiterate that you should definitely GIVE THIS PERSON A CHANCE. Don't state your opinion of him to your brothers now. Let them form their own opinions. And be nice to the legacy, no matter what!

IowaHawkeye · #3 04-16-2001, 05:14 PM

in my opinion, if after recruitment next fall you can't fully and whole heartedly call this young man brotherand be willing to do for him what you would do for any other brother, then you should not bid him.

but i beg you to give him a chance. talk to him more, find out what his intrests are, see if you can connect with him on any level and try and go from there. maybe he's feeling tremendous pressure by being a triple legacy and he' not being himself.

does this guy fit the ideals and goals of what your founders had in mind when they bagan your organization? he may not be your cup of tea, but if he's the type of person the founders envisioned when they began your organization then i belive he deserves a shot.

that all said, go with your heart and gut instinct. being a legacy doesn't promise you a bid, it just gives you a foot in the door -he has to get the rest of him in.

KSig RC · #4 04-16-2001, 07:36 PM

"Legacy status can perhaps cure the sick but not raise the dead" . . . so, maybe trust your pledge education program and hope he's a success story - every chapter has them. Or, if that's not appropriate, then hopefully the alumni can empathize on a certain level. Tough situation though . . .

Rob

BrianMUDU · #5 04-16-2001, 07:56 PM

In my opinion, it is not up to you. It is up to your entire chapter. Sure, sometimes legacies don't seem to fit in. Once everyone has gotten a chance to talk to him, make sure he gets that extra consideration during discussion about him. But just because he is a legacy doesn't mean he should be given a bid. If many of your brothers don't see him fitting in, then so be it.

coffeemug · #6 04-16-2001, 08:03 PM

This is one of the most painful decisions I see chapters go through. Also know that this is an equally painful time for those alums.

I guess my first reaction is that I see chapters focus WAY too much on legacies. They are totally put under a microscope. Every word, hair, fashion choice is put to the test. They talked too much -overeager thinks they will get in...we must release him/her. They didn't talk enough..not trying har enough to make and impression. I have heard them all.

Give this guy a chance...he may not be your best friend but does he have the morales, leadership, whit, and characteristics for you to call your brother? Big difference.

33girl · #7 04-16-2001, 10:39 PM

Sorry, but all I can think about is Flounder in Animal House telling everyone he's a legacy.

This kid could DEFINITELY change over the summer - puberty is a strange and wonderful thing and sometimes takes its time happening. Also, have you met him on his own, or has it always been with his dad or brothers in tow? He might be feeling so much pressure from them that he can't loosen up and be himself.

Just try to look at him as another guy and not a legacy - that's the best way to give him a fair shake. Oh, and if after all this you don't give him a bid, DEFINITELY call the alums in person to let them know. One of our chapters dropped a double (mom and grandma) without telling anyone and let me tell you, grandma was one angry woman. It's WAY easier to do damage control before bids go out than after..

N2 · #8 04-17-2001, 09:33 AM

GCRegular,

Sounds to me like you use a "Black Ball". Just remember that every time you choose to use the "Ball" it is a life changing event for him. I used it six times and I still remember each and every one of them. I have lived to regret my choice only once.

A legacy. Does he have a birthright to a bid? Should he? Has past legacies enjoyed that right? If so, he should as well. If not, maybe it is time for your chapter to establish such a policy for the future. In my chapter a legacy must receive a bid, if requested. A policy that pre-dates my time. Ironically, the only legacy in my time was my paternal little brother. It was a very stressful time for me. Many conflicting feelings. While I love my brother, I knew from the start that my Fraternity was not for him. I tried to steer him in a different direction, to no avail. The point is that I knew from the start that this wasn't going to work. If a Brother had confronted me in the beginning, I think I would have been able too deal better with the situation before what could have developed into a nasty ordeal. In the end, he made it past the second "ball" and then he de-pledged. Maybe the easy way out, but it all could have been prevented.

I would go to his father and brothers that make him a legacy and explain how you feel. Be receptive to their thoughts and beliefs. If he’s not the right material, then they would already know he is not for your Fraternity. They just need to have their fears confirmed. On the other hand, they may feel strongly that he would be a good Brother. In this case, don’t you owe it to them to give him a chance?

shadokat · #9 04-17-2001, 09:49 AM

I had a chapter with a pretty similar situation deal with this last semester. Now I know that NPC rules are different than fraternity ones, but basically, the chapter had to provide a really good reason as to why this rushee was not a good addition to their sorority. For instance, bad grades is a good reason. Being a "dork" is not. Being a legacy does carry some clout in the Greek Life world.

In any case, the woman ended up cutting our chapter after the second round, so they didn't end up with a bad situation, but alums can be really tough. Especially if they are nationally recognized and donate money. Those are the alums who can cause the most problems.

I'd give the kid a chance. And if he's a dork, he might add a little diversity

GCRegular · #10 04-17-2001, 10:20 AM

We don't use a "black ball" system here, but I'm sure my opinion is shared by at least a few people. One of his brothers is a graduating senior, and the other graduated four years ago. I've heard from more than one alum that the younger brother barely got a bid, and I've heard him say that he doesn't think his little brother will fit in. Like I said, we will give him a chance, and I know it's not up to me, but my opinion is respected, and shared by others. I hope it plays out with no feelings hurt. We'll see...

Billy Optimist · #11 04-17-2001, 11:45 AM

Does he live near you? Maybe give him some "cool" lessons over the sumer. I know thats not your responsiblity, but maybe you'll find you really connect and that hes not so bad afterall.

carnation · #12 04-17-2001, 11:51 AM

You know, the older you get, the more sympathetic you get towards the legacies--you realize that it's your kid that could be cut. And that if it happens, they'll never tell you why and what will you tell your son/daughter who has grown up seeing your paraphernalia, hearing your songs and stories, and meeting your brothers or sisters?

I vote for giving him another chance. And let's remember that most of us probably had many dorky moments as we entered college!

AlphaXiGirl · #13 04-17-2001, 03:45 PM

I'm curious, does your national organization have a legacy policy? If you don't know, you'll want to find out.

My organization has a set legacy policy - that doesn't mean that we have to pledge every legacy that knocks on our door - but legacies are very special to us and we try very hard to preserve that bond.

I'm with Carnation on the sympathy thing... I would be crushed if my son/daughter were not offered a bid from my husband's fraternity (if son) or Alpha Xi Delta (if daughter).

My advice:

#1 Find out your organization's legacy policy.

#2 Give the guy a chance - look for potential in him - it's likely that he'll turn out to be one of the most devoted members that you have... it's in his blood.

Salience · #14 04-18-2001, 12:41 AM

Coming from a non_greek who has a close friend who was hurt by her legacy status, I would really ask that you give him a chance. My friend and I were both not accepted in undrgrad, and her mom was more than shocked and dismayed. It was a horrible time, National was called, regional officers were written to, etc etc. and my friend was a pariah on campus after her mom did all of that. I don't want you,as a member to potentially go through what happened, and if your org is in this young man's heart, I don't him to go through that pain, which does last.

Something else to consider: I know young women who have been transformed for the better after being granted membership. One girl I didn't even KNOW until after she crossed, and she gained to confidence to run for student government. We became pretty good acquaintences, never would have happened if she hadn't become a member and gotten support from those women.

Just my $0.04.

mccoyred · #15 04-18-2001, 09:07 AM

Her mom should have sucked it up and prepared her daughter so that the next time she applied, she would have a better chance. Her mom did more harm than good.

Quote:

Originally posted by Salience:
Coming from a non_greek who has a close friend who was hurt by her legacy status, I would really ask that you give him a chance. My friend and I were both not accepted in undrgrad, and her mom was more than shocked and dismayed. It was a horrible time, National was called, regional officers were written to, etc etc. and my friend was a pariah on campus after her mom did all of that. I don't want you,as a member to potentially go through what happened, and if your org is in this young man's heart, I don't him to go through that pain, which does last.

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MCCOYRED
Mu Psi '86
BaltCo Alumnae

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