guys make no sense to me

psusensei · #1 08-14-2002, 12:24 PM

my boyfriend has blatantly told me numerous times that his friends come before me. i am trying to accept this, and understand why, but I cannot. we have been together for almost 7 months, and i just cant figure why he would much choose spending time with the people he sees every single day over one night a week with ME! He has even told me that when he comes to visit me (we go to different schools) he is going to hang out with his friends who go to my school because my group of friends and his group of friends don't "click", and it would be awkward for us to hang out together. I don't understand this! If he cares about this relationship and loves me as much as I love him shouldn't he want to spend as much time with me as possible!??!

GUYS---what is going on here?

JMUduke · #2 08-14-2002, 12:28 PM

guys suck is all I can say...maybe he loves you a lot and values you, but he is still immature enough to think he can do whatever he wants without making you mad...or that his girlfriend will not outlast his friends. Good luck with the fool.

jonsagara · #3 08-14-2002, 12:39 PM

Why are you still with this guy? From an outsider's perspective, it's fairly obvious where his priorities lie. You're letting this guy walk all over you. Dump him and get on with your life.

PenguinTrax · #4 08-14-2002, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by psusensei
If he cares about this relationship and loves me as much as I love him shouldn't he want to spend as much time with me as possible!??!

While he shouldn't necessarily want to spend every waking moment with you, he does have a life outside of your relationship and you should have the same.

That said, if he "fights" you every time you want to spend time together as a couple alone, with either his friends or yours, there's your answer. The relationship is not as important to him as it is to you. You said it yourself, above. It it was, he would find more time to spend with you, with you and his friends and with you and your friends.

Time for you to move on and find someone that will care for and respect you as much as you deserve.

KSig RC · #5 08-14-2002, 12:48 PM

I'm not going to defend the guy, but maybe you should try to look at it from a different angle.

You two are young, and most likely not inordinately 'serious' due to that fact. He's known his friends for a long time, most likely, and those are extremely well-established relationships.

One bottom line: They were there first, and they'll be there last as well.

Guys don't look at every relationship as being 'permanent' - it's pragmatic to think that most of your relationships at this point in your life will not end in marriage. When you break up, he'll still have his friends - you don't 'break up' from your buddies. When he says his friends come first, maybe this is what he's referring to; they quite literally came first. If you expect to be his number-one priority, this obviously will not work for you - but that might be how he is. Just because you're not his number one priority, this doesn't mean you can't have a great relationship - you'll just have to adjust to the situation.

You've "been together" for 7 months, but he and his buddies have "been together" for 9 years . . . (ok I made that up, but can you see the point?)

With the limited amount of information you give us here, I don't think it's right or wrong to bash the guy - but maybe this can provide some insight for you.

James · #6 08-14-2002, 01:05 PM

Didn't you just post about this guy lol?

Lets seperate the feelings for a second and look at the assumption.

1. You are saying:
"If he cares about this relationship and loves me as much as I love him shouldn't he want to spend as much time with me as possible!??!"

Well you answered yourself in your question. If he doesn't spend as much time with you as possible he must not love you as much as you love him.

The question is: Can you accept that? If you can you need to just enjoy the relationship. If not leave him.

Another alternate reason is that he doesn't express his feelings in the same way you do. Wanting to be together all the time or at least most of the time.

However, you obviously need a person to want to do that, or you will be unhappy. So this is just as bad for you.

From your posts its probably both things. You are more into him than he is into you, and he likes to hang out with his friends.

You are not going to change him and to work at changing him is unhealthy and unrealistic.

But you do have the right and ability to go seek another guy that will meet your needs . . . there are many out there . . . go shake the boy tree and one will fall out.

So close your eyes and imagine yourself feeling this upset most days of the week for the next few years, or until he finds someone else and breaks up with you.

If you can deal, stop railing against it because you will only make yourself miserable, and enjoy what you can. If you can't deal make a move as quick as possible.

Remember the best revenge is to live well and be happy.

Quote:

Originally posted by psusensei
my boyfriend has blatantly told me numerous times that his friends come before me. i am trying to accept this, and understand why, but I cannot. we have been together for almost 7 months, and i just cant figure why he would much choose spending time with the people he sees every single day over one night a week with ME! He has even told me that when he comes to visit me (we go to different schools) he is going to hang out with his friends who go to my school because my group of friends and his group of friends don't "click", and it would be awkward for us to hang out together. I don't understand this! If he cares about this relationship and loves me as much as I love him shouldn't he want to spend as much time with me as possible!??!

GUYS---what is going on here?

gphi2k2 · #7 08-14-2002, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by KSig RC

You two are young, and most likely not inordinately 'serious' due to that fact. He's known his friends for a long time, most likely, and those are extremely well-established relationships....If you expect to be his number-one priority, this obviously will not work for you - but that might be how he is.

First of all, just because his friends are his number one priority doesn't mean you shouldn't be a priority AT ALL. It's hard enough not living close to the person you're with. But on the occasions where he comes to see you, you should be the most important thing because he sees his friends at his school all the time. The fact is that you have every right to expect, and dare I say demand that when he's physically with you, at your school, you are the number one priority. Like I said, it doesn't sound like you're just not the first priority. It sounds like you're barely on the radar. And after only 7 months together, that's not fair to you. You're still supposed to be in the honeymoon period where you still look forward to being with eachother whenever you can.

7 months just isn't enough time for him to be comfortable enough in the relationship to seat you in second chair. You should be a high priority. Why can't you be AS important to him as his friends rather than less so or more so? Fine, accept you won't be more important as his friends. But should you really have to settle for less????

Just my 2 cents

LeslieAGD · #8 08-14-2002, 06:20 PM

Question: Have you said to your BF what you've said us? If not, I suggest sitting down and having a "talk." I know some guys hate this, but the keys to a good relationship are communication and the willingness to learn. As long as you're not demanding all of his time and/or trying to make him put you before everything else, then I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want some alone time. Perhaps you can both work out a schedule of when you do things together, alone, with your friends, his friends, etc.

Rudey · #9 08-14-2002, 06:22 PM

Why is it that whenever a guy has different values from a girl, he's walking all over her?

Obviously he places a lot of emphasis on his friends. Nobody here is going to tell you why and you can only find out if you ask him.

If you want someone with different values who wants to spend more time with you instead, you can actually *gasp* tell him you want someone like that. If he is unwilling to accomodate what you want, then you can find another person who will. In the end both people end up happy.

-Rudey
--Are you putting out? that might be why!

texas*princess · #10 08-14-2002, 07:15 PM

Hmmm.. if you go to different schools, I don't understand why he wouldn't be psyched to see you since you two probably don't spend a lot of time together in "everday life"... he seems kinda immature to put you down like that everytime you just want to spend time with him. All I can say is if it were me, I wouldn't be a happy camper in your situation. If he tells you *every single time* that his friends come first, and never wants to spend time with you, I would think you should find a sweet guy that values you and your company.

ThielGirlie · #11 08-14-2002, 09:22 PM

Ditto on what James said!!! Give him a chance to change... then if he dosen't, drop him. If he's not worth your time, your not worth his!

justhey76 · #12 08-14-2002, 09:36 PM

oops sorry

justhey76 · #13 08-14-2002, 09:41 PM

Oh WOW. I thought you were seriously describing my ex boyfreind for a second. Although the guys make a good point that it is possible that his friends came first, frankly, I say who gives a s&!t. Just because they came first doesn't mean that they come first in EVERY descision he makes. That is like NEVER allowing change to enter his life. Does he NEVER make new freinds? ALL of his friends cannot have come first is my point. Does everything that was in his life before he met you take the plave above you? I'm sure that mowing his grandpa's lawn or something came before you, but would he blow that off to spend time with you? Chances are, he probably would. Its all about what he WANTs. It sounds like its not even about who came first, but about what he WANTS. He would RATHER dick around with his friends then spend ONE QUALITY weekend with you. Its not because they came first on the calendar, its because they come first in his HEAD. It sounds to me like he is too immature to be in this relationship. I'm not saying he should drop everything and spend all of his time with you, but if you are not factored into his decision-making EVER, then one has to wonder why you are together in the first place. Seven months along says (to me) that there should be SOME level of committment there.

**Sorry for the rant, but I REALLY feel psusensei and what she's is going through

Hootie · #14 08-14-2002, 11:37 PM

re are two different things I want to stess here.

My sister and her best friend of NINE years recently went there seperate ways because her friend put this creep infront of their friendship...and made in blatently clear that whenever the boyfriend caused issues with my sister, she took his side.
Now the two of them broke up and the boyfriend came to my sister begging for her to hang out with her former bestfriend because she needs a good influence. My sister said straight up, NO...you don't put guys infront of friends.
So to make a long story short, I think it's wise at a younger age to value the friendships over the relationships (at times) because generally the relationships come and go, but friends remain the same.

On the same token, do you get along with his friends? Or is this strictly he wants some guys night out time? If you can chill and handle the buds make an effort to hang out with them. Chances are if they don't like you he won't either...it's just the way the cookie crumbles.

FURTHERMORE, you shouldn't wait around on him. Like if he's going out with friends and you're sitting at home alone...take advantage of this alone time to go out with YOUR friends. DUDE, I once was young and waiting around on a boy and he's gone but my friends are still here...thankfully. I ditched out on them so many times that summer and when we finally broke up they didn't feel too terribly bad for me.

So think about things and don't be so worried if his priorities lie elsewhere.

Hootie

gphi2k2 · #15 08-15-2002, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Hootie
you don't put guys infront of friends... think it's wise at a younger age to value the friendships over the relationships (at times) because generally the relationships come and go, but friends remain the same....... Like if he's going out with friends and you're sitting at home alone...take advantage of this alone time to go out with YOUR friends.

Two things...FIRST of all, Like I said before, I don't think ditching your friends for your significant other is cool. But why does it have to be either or? Why can't it be both? It's not so hard to see your buddies AND not completely ignore the person you're with. What is the point of committing to someone if they would always rather see their friends than you. If you can't make time for your bf/gf, you shouldn't waste their time and ask them to be committed to you. Yah fine, totally ditching your friends and expecting them to wait around for you when/if your relationship crumbles is unreasonable. So why exactly is it fair to completely ditch your bf/gf and expect THEM to wait around? We're not talking about a girl who sees her boyfriend 6 days a week and is whining about needing more here!

Also, as for taking advantage of her time alone.... It's not like she needs to take advantage of the rare moments she has to herself. She has all the time alone she wants. He's never around. That's the problem.