am I a doormat?

psusensei · #1 08-06-2002, 11:02 AM

Ok, so my boyfriend turned 21 last night, and of course got completely trashed. I didn't go because I am not 21, but he and his friends thought it was a great idea for him to come to my apartment after the bar so he could recover there and puke if need be without freaking his parents out. Well, I drove all the way out to get him, and drove him back to my place all the while he is cursing me one second, about to cry the next. So ALL night I am up in the bathroom helping him, washing his face, rubbing his back and cleaning him up after he throws up. I had to clean thr bathroom at 2 am so my roommate would not be grossed out, and I had to sleep on the floor because he was sprawled out and I couldn't move him at all. Then he wakes up feeling fine, and immediatley calls his friends to find out the funny shit he did that he did not remember. He doesnt remember me helping him, doesnt even remember throwing up, so of course there is not even a "thanks" this am. Lastly, I spent the whole weekend letting him use my car to drive across three states to hang out with his friends...with nothing but complaints from him about how my car sucks. At this point, I feel like a total tool, like I am being taken for granted. Am I his personal doormat? He and I are in love, and he tells me often, but I feel like my opinion, my feelings, my actions don't mean jack shit to him anymore. What gives?!?!

Dionysus · #2 08-06-2002, 11:20 AM

Yes, you are. And, you'll always be, if you let him. I'll say he's not worth a dime and will never change. Find someone better. I know it's a WHOLE lot easier said than done.

swissmiss04 · #3 08-06-2002, 11:49 AM

Drop him, and do it about yesterday. If you even have to ask if you're a doormat after all that, then perhaps you need some alone time to do some introspection to find out where the heck your self-esteem went. I'm sure he took care of whatever was there before you were with him. Think about it, how would you like to be married to someone like that? Someone who didn't appreciate you or respect you, someone who would use you for his own purposes and not give a flip about your own needs, is NOT someone you want to even grace w/ your presence. He doesn't deserve you, and frankly I think he needs to be shown what way is up. Good luck to you sweetie!

James · #4 08-06-2002, 11:49 AM

LOL

well that is just one incident . . but if its normal i would say you are definitely a doormat and must kind of like it . ..

Are you a pleaser? Do you like to make other people happy even at the expense of yourself? ITs valueable to know that . . .

It sounds like you are in love . . . but it doesn't sound like he is very much . . . you might want to check if its more one sided than you think . . .

sororitygirl2 · #5 08-06-2002, 12:00 PM

Where I'm from, it is sort of your duty to take care of your significant other the night of their 21st (boys for girls, girls for boys both)... after all, you care about him and want to make sure he's okay, right?

However, the car thing sounds kind of jerky... he should be a little nicer when you go out of your way for him... and if he doesn't care about your opinion that is not cool. You should have a talk with him.

APhi · #6 08-06-2002, 12:21 PM

You don't need to dump him quite yet but you do need to talk. First, give him a good scare by delivering the whole "we need to talk" routine. Then tell him what he's been doing that pisses you off. However, if you're too accusatory he'll just get defensive. Try to phrase it in terms of "when you do (blank) it makes me feel (blank.)"

Now gauge his reaction based on what you've had to say. Does he seem the least bit sorry? Does he say something along the lines of you being important to him and wanting to work this out? If so, there may be hope. If he gets defensive and turns into an even bigger jerk... you'll know what to do.

Just my opinion, I've been known to be wrong.

kddani · #7 08-06-2002, 12:44 PM

He complained about your car? Ummm... least you have one! The ungrateful @ss should never be allowed to use it again.
My response to when a guy complains about something of mine (that of course they're getting good use of- like my tv being too small, etc), my response is simply: "buy me a new one"
I work hard to pay for everything I have, and am supporting myself. If something of mine isn't good enough for you, either deal with it and hold your tongue, or shell out the $$$ to buy me a new one

This usually shuts them up quick cause they're as broke as i am!

Optimist Prime · #8 08-06-2002, 12:49 PM

throw him away like a parking ticket

Peaches-n-Cream · #9 08-06-2002, 05:12 PM

The 21st birthday debauchery is understandable. His ingratitude is not. Is this a one weekend event or is this part of a pattern and a bigger problem? Talk to him. APhi's advice is good.

If he's grateful and apologizes, keep him at least until you turn 21.

You know what they say about payback...

James · #10 08-06-2002, 06:33 PM

APhi . . .

Actually you are right in principle . . but maybe not right in delivery.

There that was half-way sensitive. I'm proud of myself.

Guys aren't girls. We just aren't, ok?

So don't talk to us like we are girls. ITs not that its bad, but you probably won't get your point across effectively.

Remember that we don't like confrontation either and not only are we uncomfortable with emotional confrontation we are usually not well-equipped to handle out . . . so we tune you out.

So here is the best way to get across to most guys:

Keep it short and sweet.

Listen dude (or insert name, up to you) I want to talk to you . . . (Note: none of these we stuff . . he doesn't have a problem he needs to talk about with you)

You know I love you . . . and I am not real comfortable talking about this so it might come out wrong . . . but this is about . . .

. . . last weekend when you crashed at my place and borrowed my car:

Are you normally a rude person? I need to know if this is going to be problem in the future.

We just may have grown up differently, but I was taught that if someone passes you the butter you say thank you.

When someone crashes at your place and you are taken care of all night and they have to clean your vomit off the floor and sleep on the floor . . . I was taught that we should at least thank the person like they passed us the fucking butter.

Oh and if my parents found out that I borrowed somebody's car, didn't thank them, and did nothing but complain about it . . . well damn, I wouldn't be sitting down very well.

So don't thank me me for it now, its a little late to thank me for passing the butter a week *(whatever time it is) later, especially after I say something to you . . and don't insult either of us by apologizing. If it was a mistake your actions will show it in the future . . if its just the way you are that will show also.

I am just telling you, I don't want you to change, but if you are normally a rude person I am going to start liking you less.

I'm going to let this drop now, I'm just letting you know where I stand. Lets try to avoid this in the future.

/end conversation.

If he keeps trying to talk about it just don't talk to him about it . . . just say " I love you, whats done is done, and we'll play it by ear".

But you MUSt let it drop at that point. And don't start over elaborating . . . its clear and simple . . if he doesn't get it he's a moron. If you say anything much more than I suggested you are the foolish one and deserves misery . . .

Hopefully he isn't a real clever talker . . . I can think of several ways to turn almost anything around on you lol . . . I love good dialogue.

Quote:

Originally posted by APhi
You don't need to dump him quite yet but you do need to talk. First, give him a good scare by delivering the whole "we need to talk" routine. Then tell him what he's been doing that pisses you off. However, if you're too accusatory he'll just get defensive. Try to phrase it in terms of "when you do (blank) it makes me feel (blank.)"

Now gauge his reaction based on what you've had to say. Does he seem the least bit sorry? Does he say something along the lines of you being important to him and wanting to work this out? If so, there may be hope. If he gets defensive and turns into an even bigger jerk... you'll know what to do.

Just my opinion, I've been known to be wrong.

APhi · #11 08-06-2002, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
APhi . . .

Actually you are right in principle . . but maybe not right in delivery. There that was half-way sensitive. I'm proud of myself.

Haha... Well at least I wasn't "breathtakingly wrong" as you'd referred to some of the women to men interpretations.

Thanks though, it's always interesting to hear the guys take on things.

bgsugirlie · #12 08-06-2002, 06:49 PM

James...you're awesome

I'm going to need your advice when my boyfriend is being an ass

Peaches-n-Cream · #13 08-06-2002, 11:27 PM

James, if I have man problems in the future, I'm going to turn to you for advice. That is if there are ever any men in my future.

James · #14 08-07-2002, 12:25 AM

Takes one to know one . . .

Quote:

Originally posted by Cream
James, if I have man problems in the future, I'm going to turn to you for advice. That is if there are ever any men in my future.

psusensei · #15 08-07-2002, 11:09 AM

Thank you...i did mention some of the shit that bugged me and he since has been much more grateful and behving a lot nicer, which is a relief. James, you do know your stuff...