Friend hook-ups.....is there anyway to get things back to normal after the fact?

thetakates · #1 07-26-2002, 03:46 PM

Ok, do any of you ladies out there ever hook up with someone and then feel really bad because they totally diss you afterward? I am really good friends with this guy and we have had sexual feelings toward each other for a long time. I want a relationship, but he didnt and i understood. Well he was a virgin and I felt that I didnt want to take it away from him.I have been with a few guys and feel that I dont want to be a slut just becuase I have had sex before and now take it away from him. But I did and now I feel horrible, becasue a) he doesnt want a relationship and b) he kind of has treated me like shit after I did have sex with him and c)he was a virgin and I have never done that before.

I hate having random sex and that is what this is beginning to feel like now! He is totally ignoring me and now it seems like the only reason we were frineds in the first place is becuse some how he "knew" that I would take it away from him!

Please someone just make me feel better and tell me that things are going to be ok.

ZTAMiami · #2 07-26-2002, 04:13 PM

I pm'ed you!

shultzz · #3 07-26-2002, 04:56 PM

You need to talk to Optimist Prime.

James · #4 07-26-2002, 07:59 PM

Things are going to be ok!

However . . . lol y'all didn't think I would leave it at that did you?

You will go through a period of time where you feel self conscious. That is normal.

He will act strangely around you, or you will assume he is acting strangely because you are more sensitive. That is also normal.

Then you will go through a period of adjustment where you both start changing feelings about each other. Normal.

Then you will fall back into your new relationship whatever it is. That is healthy.

It sucks that he disses you after sex, but you didn't do anything wrong, so don't feel guilty.

You didn't "Take" anything from him, you didn't rape the guy . . did you? You just gave him his first sexual experience, lucky him. Hopefully it was an intensely good experience for him.

Don't over analyze it with your GF's. They will probably get his behavior wrong on interpretation, and just hurt you unnecessarily.

The vast majority of the analysis on here by girls about boys is so far off it takes my breathe away. And there are some seriously bright girls on this site.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me or IM me at ksjwk2000 if you want a guy's perspective.

Quote:

Originally posted by thetakates
Ok, do any of you ladies out there ever hook up with someone and then feel really bad because they totally diss you afterward? I am really good friends with this guy and we have had sexual feelings toward each other for a long time. I want a relationship, but he didnt and i understood. Well he was a virgin and I felt that I didnt want to take it away from him.I have been with a few guys and feel that I dont want to be a slut just becuase I have had sex before and now take it away from him. But I did and now I feel horrible, becasue a) he doesnt want a relationship and b) he kind of has treated me like shit after I did have sex with him and c)he was a virgin and I have never done that before.

I hate having random sex and that is what this is beginning to feel like now! He is totally ignoring me and now it seems like the only reason we were frineds in the first place is becuse some how he "knew" that I would take it away from him!

Please someone just make me feel better and tell me that things are going to be ok.

Shawndalynn · #5 07-26-2002, 11:33 PM

Well I know exactly what you are going through. Although mine is a little different I have been really good friends with this guy for about 4 years and we had always messed around but never went any further than that because he was a virgin. But a couple weeks ago we actually did have sex. And yes it kinda felt weird at first becuase I really didn't want to be the one to take it from him either- because like you I wanted a relationship and he didn't. But I think things will be okay. If he is really a good friend then yes it will be weird but I think it will be okay.
Hope that helped

twinstars · #6 07-27-2002, 12:29 AM

Hi,

I think things CAN work out for you two, but it may take a long time until things feel normal again. It depends on how much you both value the friendship. If you both care, it will make it a lot easier to get back to normal. What do you mean he's been treating you badly after the fact? How exactly does he act? I'm sure the poor guy is just confused and doesn't know how he's even supposed to treat you. Especially considering his inexperience. That you had sex may seem like a medium-to-big deal to you, but it's huge to him. He doesn't have much perspective about the situation the way you probably do.

He may be cold towards you because he is embarassed, or because he doesn't want you to "get the wrong idea" that sex means you're going to start dating or anything. Not that you would assume that, but who knows....

I've been in a sort of similar situation with a good guy friend. We had been close as friends for more than a year at college before he asked me out and we started hanging out even more than before, and slowly started hooking up with each other. Eventually we were having sex. Neither of us was a virgin but we were both fairly "low mileage." Once "it" was over with, it took months and months before things started to seem kind of back to normal with our friendship. I'm talking about a "relationship" that happened in Sept/October, and things were finally OK again in May. I can't even begin to explain how things got to be OK again. I don't understand it myself, it just feels like by some strange twist of fate we can be just friends from now on. Somehow I stopped liking him the way I did when we were together. Of course the frienship is kind of different than it was before all the sex. But I guess it's what works for us now. I guess the point of my story here is that Yes, it can work out, it just takes time, and persistence, and mutual interest in making things OK again.

josh8o · #7 07-28-2002, 12:34 AM

here is drama from a guy....

there is this girl who i have been friends with for over 10 years. in high school we messed around every so often. we basicaly used eachother to experiment before we were in realationships with other people, then when we were in a dry spell we would have eachother for our sexual fustraitions.... we never had sex because i always was the one who didnt want it to complicate things. anyway, this summer we ended up having sex. the next day i left and went on vacation with my family, so i didnt get to call her for a few days. about a week after the dirty-deed we were talking online. she starts asking me all these questions:
how did it make you feel?
what did it mean to you?
you didnt have an emotional connection?
do you regret it?
well i finaly told her that it was like a one night stand, but with a girl i would call the next day and still be friends with. i told her it was just sex. we did not make love, and it was not fucking because i did not use her.
anyway, she got all emotional like girls do and started to put words into my mouth. i kinda got mad, and i could tell she was not happy with me. so i decided to let her cool off, and figured that she would call me when she was ready to talk again. within a week i had people asking me "is kelly mad at you?" so i knew she was mad and letting other people know. i got mad because this was all drama caused by her, and it was starting to get to me.
3 weeks later after not talking at all i was at the movies with a friend. we were leaving as she was waiting outside with a few of my other friends. i saw her then took off in the other direction. i did not know if she saw me, but i was shaken up...you know how when you have drama with some one then you see them when you really dont want to?? anyway, so i went out to 3 bars with my friend, then went back to the movie theater to wait for my boss (i work at the cold stone right next to it) to go out for one last drink. as i was helping my bpss lock up the door guess who walks out of the movies...kelly.
so i say hi to my friends that she is with, but ignore her because i could not bring myself to speak to her. anyway, she called me the next day and we talked. we are cool now, but its hard to get back to where you once where if there was that much drama.

the moral of my story:

IF YOU'RE GONNA FUCK A FRIEND, DO NOT LET DRAMA DEVELOP....TALK STUFF OUT BECAUSE THAT FRIENDSHIP IS NOT WORTH A PEDY FIGHT OVER SEX!

thetakates · #8 07-28-2002, 08:10 PM

Thanks Josh. I have talked to him since and told him that I was upset. He understood. But still I feel bad. But things will get better.

Anyways. I know I had the whole guy analization off alot. I just felt that he used me for whatever reason. But thanks again everyone for posting.

Keep it up for other people that get in this mess..

thetakates · #9 08-07-2002, 02:07 AM

Here I am replying to myself! HAHA. Anyways, a follow up to everything. We are talking now, and we are going out on Thursday. As a friend thing. I am not too worried about it and I told him that I felt kind of used and he was concerned that I wouldnt talk to him again. But I assured him that everything was going to be ok. And it is. I am really happy that things worked out. I really liked our friendship and didnt want things to change because we had decided to have sex. Its not like we both didnt want it in the first place.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

ChiOqt · #10 08-07-2002, 11:47 AM

thetakates~I'm happy things worked out...my mother always gave me one piece of advice on guys that I will never forget: "Men, you can live with them, but you can't live without them...." how true that is

ilovemyglo · #11 08-07-2002, 12:38 PM

You know, my best guy friend of like 7 years and I have had sex. We still havea great friendship, and we are sexually attracted to one another. We dated a long time ago... but really and truly, sometimes we still hook up. We don't do it alot, it just kinda happens sometimes. But he dates people and I date people and we keep it simple. We are really great friends. We just like to be held sometimes!

chioangel83 · #12 08-08-2002, 04:39 AM

I am glad things are working out for you....I'm sure that if you both value the friendship as much as it sounds then you will be able to put this in the past. I have had a similar thing happen to me. I was friends with this guy all of freshmen year...we lived in the dorms right next to each other and would always talk etc. On the last night of school we were both drunk and ended up hooking up...no sex but other stuff. Then we saw each other once this summer and hooked up again...he called me when he was in my town and we got together. Honestly though when I went there it wasn't my intention or even what i was thinking when we met up..i just thought we would hang out and then it sort of happened. This time though we were both sober. Both times he has initiated it yet there is no talk of a relationship or takiing it further. Which is fine, I just am confused as to the status of our "relationship." He is a cool friend but I don't want to keep on having this happen every time we hang out. What do you all think?