Big/Little selection Drama. In need of advice.

QueenBee90 · #1 12-17-2015, 08:58 PM

Ok Last semester (Fall 2015) there was some drama within my soroity over big/little selection. Long story short about 9 girls (including my self that were qualified to have a little) Got screwed over due to favortism by our pledge coordinator. It went down hill and got really ugly fast. I mean it was not due to a shortage of pledges ( there was 15+ girls) It was irrating cause the bigs that did get picked more than half got more than one little and the pairing were really bad cause none of the bigs got the littles they wanted etc. Almost 9 girls threatened to turn there pins in at the end of the year due to how bad it had gotten. It was crazy with all the rumors and dirty secrets ( So much that I can write a book ab out it)

But yea this spring I will be eligible again to get a little. Thing is I'm not sure If I want to this time. Due to the possibility of getting screwed over again. The pledge coordinator doesn't like me very much. But then again I dont really have much choice since I am a junior this year and I really dont want to wait till next fall since I think that would be unfair to not to get to know my little as much. Plus If I choose not to get a little it would pretty much be the end of the line for the branch of my soroity family (my great grand big, my big etc.) got any advice on how to deal with this? Thanks!

33girl · #2 12-17-2015, 10:00 PM

Is there any mutual selection or do the bigs do all the preferencing of who they want?

In any case, if there were sisters available to take littles and some sisters got two, that's completely unacceptable. It's not fair to the pledges to have to be a twin when there was no necessity.

I would also make sure that this isn't a case of policy not being followed before re grades etc for who can take a little, and now it is going by the rules.

Sciencewoman · #3 12-17-2015, 10:03 PM

Do you have an advisor? It sounds like your chapter has bigger issues. Is this an NPC group? In general, the new members' preferences take precedence over the active members' requests. Sorry to say it, but perhaps the new members picked up on the bad attitudes and didn't want to be matched with certain actives.

33girl · #4 12-17-2015, 10:05 PM

The NMs don't always get their preferences first (if at all). It varies from group to group.

Sciencewoman · #5 12-17-2015, 10:10 PM

Something tells me, in this case they did...or there was some other good reason why some actives were given two, and other eligible sisters didn't get any. I'm guessing the drama the OP describes was festering before the Big/Little matching, and more than just the pledge coordinator had a say in the matching.

Griffins&Quills · #6 12-17-2015, 10:22 PM

Typically the pledge coordinator and the president sit in on matching, at minimum, to prevent this type of issue. Who sits in on matching in your chapter?

flirt5721 · #7 12-18-2015, 01:21 PM

We have a Big/Little orientation. All members that want to be Big must attend or they will not be eligible and all NM memebers attend a separate one. We tell all members that becoming a big is a privilege and just because you don't get the Little you wanted doesn't mean you have to stop being close. We also told them that if they get a Little they don't know it's a good way to become closer. Big/Little matching is not perfect. We try to give NM preferences since a Big is there to guide them and help them out . I know not all groups give preferences to NM.

jolene · #8 12-18-2015, 09:24 PM

That happened to my best friend. Her and I were rush counselors (Rho Chis) together and the girl she wanted as her little was one of my gals (we were in diff sororities). She wanted my friend as well. I also encouraged this nurturing because my friend is made of awesome (still is) & never had a little. The powers that be felt my BFF was feeling burnt out and didn't select her to be the big. It was heart-breaking to my friend (she would have been a wonderful big) when this girl would wink and side-eye that my BFF had given her pre-big sis gifts and hints. After a year, the little (who didn't get my friend) transferred and affiliated to a different chapter in the state (UGA). No, I def don't think that was the cause, but it probably didn't help. I think it was a case of a nice smalltown girl going to a uni in a big city was too much. Yes, UGA is a 'bigger' campus area wise, but not much bigger student number-wise and it's daunting to any smaller town person to go to school in downtown Atlanta.

Lesson is that go with the little's preference and the top choice's willingness. You can't go wrong.

ColdInCanada11 · #9 12-18-2015, 09:43 PM

The problem can sometimes be that several new members will want to have the same initiated member as their big for whatever reason- not an option. For our chapter, there was no new member choice in it, they weren't asked at all. (Pledge classes are usually 8-10 girls, though. It's easy enough to pay attention to who is getting along.)

I liken it to PNMs going through recruitment, and thinking that they love a certain chapter after meeting them a few times. Is a New Member really going to know an initiated member after a few coffee dates? Maybe, but not necessarily. I still stand by my argument that people place far too much importance on that relationship- it usually isn't the be-all, end-all that people make it out to be, and I wish that advisors, alumnae, and fraternal education would do a better job of explaining that.

candygirl200413 · #10 12-19-2015, 12:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdInCanada11

The problem can sometimes be that several new members will want to have the same initiated member as their big for whatever reason- not an option. For our chapter, there was no new member choice in it, they weren't asked at all. (Pledge classes are usually 8-10 girls, though. It's easy enough to pay attention to who is getting along.)

I liken it to PNMs going through recruitment, and thinking that they love a certain chapter after meeting them a few times. Is a New Member really going to know an initiated member after a few coffee dates? Maybe, but not necessarily. I still stand by my argument that people place far too much importance on that relationship- it usually isn't the be-all, end-all that people make it out to be, and I wish that advisors, alumnae, and fraternal education would do a better job of explaining that.

This. I also wished there was a major emphasis on having your big is the only close connection you can have. I got a big that wasn't on my list and who never made time to hang out/get to know me. She dropped a few weeks after I was initiated. Since then I have gotten so much closer with other sisters and gotten my own little and I feel total fine that my original big and I didn't have a relationship at all.

Obviously if you guys get new members and you end up developing some type of connection with one, hopefully it will work out! But I would also get my advisor involved as well seeing that it has effective more than 1 sister. But also know that you can still have a close mentor relationship with them as well.

Griffins&Quills · #11 12-19-2015, 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdInCanada11

The problem can sometimes be that several new members will want to have the same initiated member as their big for whatever reason- not an option.

Our pledge classes are bigger, in the 40-60 range. But, this actually happened with my little. Twice. There were a few girls who wanted to be her big, but we ended up matching as each others' #1 choice, but then when it was time for her to get a little, her "dates" with her potential littles were awesome and there were something like 11 girls who had her listed as their #1 choice for a big.

So, at that point, it came down to who she wanted as her #1 and they matched

ggforever · #12 12-19-2015, 11:28 AM

Our chapter does give the NM's choice a lot of weight. What is also considered is how active the potential "big" is within the chapter. If someone wants to be a big but does not come around or participate in chapter activities, they automatically go to the bottom of the list. How well will they help a NM adapt to chapter life if they are not coming over themselves. Though it seems unfair for some to get twins and others to get no one, there is usually more to the story than the OP might have included.

33girl · #13 12-19-2015, 12:54 PM

^The problem with that is the pledges may wonder why they got stuck being a twin rather than having a big all to themselves. Not only that, oftentimes having a little can renew a sister's excitement in the sorority. To say "you suck so much that not only do you not get a little, another sister gets two or three rather than stick them with you" is the final nail in the coffin. You might as well be kind and terminate the sister outright.

I mean, if I was a pledge in this situation, I'd seriously question if this is a chapter that's going to be sympathetic to me if I ever screw up, or if I'm just going to be punished if I don't do everything exactly right.

DeltaBetaBaby · #14 12-19-2015, 01:53 PM

I think there are other things to consider that may not be obvious, though. I was around a lot and knew everyone and was definitely initiating, so the woman I wanted as my big was paired with another NM who was in danger of leaving. No biggie, she and I are still close friends, and I haven't talk to my actual big in years.