"When I have kids..."

valkyrie · #1 10-23-2002, 11:03 PM

I've noticed in several threads lately people saying "When I have kids..." or "When I have a family..." I find this interesting because it seems that many people in our society assume that they will have kids.

So my questions are:

Do you have kids? If yes, did you always want them? If no, do you want them in the future? Has your opinion on the issue changed over the years? Why do you or don't you want kids?

Also, what if you've always assumed that you'll have kids and someday you find out that you can't? Would you do pursue whatever fertility options are available at the time? Adopt? Decide not to try?

damasa · #2 10-23-2002, 11:08 PM

I guess I've always wanted kids. I've always had that sense of growing older, starting a family and all that.

If the situation went sour and for some reason I couldn't have kids in that certain situation, I'd try to adopt. Adoption is always a choice. Of course there could be other fertility options available. However, I try not to think like that and hope that it doesn't happen.

greeklawgirl · #3 10-23-2002, 11:57 PM

I don't have kids yet. But I definitely want them in the future. I have tons of nieces and nephews running around, so I've had plenty of practice. I have fun being around kids--they literally bring out the kid in me!

If I weren't able to have children, I might try fertility treatments. But if it wasn't successful, I would love to adopt. Its more about whats in your heart than in your ovaries.

UKAXO · #4 10-24-2002, 07:55 AM

I have always known that I do NOT want kids - and am absolutely positive that I will not change my mind.

In spite of this, my doctor refused to discuss the issue when I told him I wanted to have my tubes tied (I was 27 at the time). His response? "Oh, you'll change your mind..."

If I had had the resources and the spare time then, I would have found myself ANOTHER doctor - one who respected my choices and realized that I did *indeed* know my own mind.

Those of us who choose to remain childFREE (note I did NOT say "childless") are subjected to a constant stream of rubbish from society, such as:

"You are selfish for not wanting kids" (Riiiiiiight - and overpopulating the planet is NOT a selfish thing, riiiiiiight....)

"Who will take care of you when you grow old?" (Ummmm, if this ISN'T a selfish attitude, then what is? How could anybody WANT to burden their children this way? When I am 50 I will purchase a long-term care insurance policy. Plus, I'm sure the old folks' home is FULL of people who THOUGHT their kids would look after them, and instead they find that the kids never even visit.)

And my personal favorite: "Your life as a woman will be incomplete without children!"

(Honestly, what a slap in the face to women who actually CAN'T conceive....are they "less" of a woman than the rest of us? Puh-leese...)

I am not trying to flame those of you who already have children, nor those who have decided that they want kids. I like kids (well-behaved ones, anyway - LOL!) - I just realize that I would NOT be good "mother" material and would actually be very miserable as a mother. What a shame Andrea Yates didn't give it more thought.

carnation · #5 10-24-2002, 08:02 AM

I always knew I wanted kids--maybe 4--I did not know I'd have 13! And I'd like more; we're currently pursuing adopting more.

We married late but were blessed with being able to give birth to 8 of ours. We have not regretted it.

It's such an individual decision...we don't fault people who have no or few children. People generally know what they can handle.

Damaris · #6 10-24-2002, 08:24 AM

I had been told by a former doctor of mine that I wouldn't be able to conceive easily. Because of this, I had convinced myself that I didn't want children and was extremely adamant about it. I knew that I didn't want children and would never change my mind.

About a month and half ago, I started feeling very sick and didn't know what was going on with me. I went to see my doctor and was told that he couldn't find anything wrong with me. After changing my doctor...twice, I was finally tested and told that I was about 8 weeks pregnant.

My initial reaction was SHOCK (in its purest form!). Then I became overjoyed and excited at the realization that I had been given this gift. I discovered that the entire time I was swearing up and down that I didn't want children, deep down inside...I really did! I'm due in April and can hardly wait to meet him/her!!!

UKAXO, I am in no way doubting your sincerity in your decision to not have children. I applaud you for admitting that you don't think you'd be mother material and deciding not to bring a child into your life under that circumstance. However if you ever change your mind, no one will think less of you! Oh and btw, I really love the well-behaved children too!!!

CarolinaCutie · #7 10-24-2002, 09:02 AM

I do want children, and I always have. My friends think I'm nuts because even at 20 years old, I have the "baby fever". Obviously if I REALLY wanted a child right now, I would have one... but my point is that I'm already advancing into that stage of my life. Family is so important to me. One of my criteria for meeting a husband is that he loves children.

If I could not have children, I would adopt. Fertility is so expensive and so many children need love.

aephi alum · #8 10-24-2002, 09:43 AM

I don't have any children yet. I want to have two... a boy and a girl, ideally. I don't want to have children right now - maybe in a couple of years. My husband, on the other hand, wants children *now*.

What wigs me out is the whole pregnancy/childbirth thing. For nine months, more if you're breastfeeding, you have to watch every single little thing you put into your body. And giving birth... the word "ow" springs to mind. Every mother I've ever spoken to says it's worth all the trouble when you hold that precious little bundle of joy... having never been in that situation, I'm not so sure.

If I found out my husband and I couldn't have children of our own, I would want to adopt. There are so many babies out there who are unwanted or whose parents are unfit.

Sidebar: As a lot of you know, I'm working part-time while waiting for the economy to turn around. I have had so many people, including one of my best friends who is also a sister, tell me that I should "take advantage of the wonderful opportunity I've been given to take some time off and have a baby."

Um... I think not.

MoxieGrrl · #9 10-24-2002, 10:11 AM

Wow.....to tell you the truth, I'm always just assumed that I'd have children. It's something where I've never given it serious thought......right now, I know that I definitely do not want children though!!! My fiance and I are having enough of a time getting our own lives in order to bring another life into the mix!

If I were unable to have children, adoption is definitely an option though. It would probably be an older child because it just sucks that so many children out there are 13/14 and stuck in the foster care system and cannot find homes.

Taking care of one's body is something to consider when having a child. When I was in high school and had bulimia, I really didn't care that it affects your reproductive organs. Now that I'm older, it kind of worries me that I might have screwed up my body for a completely stupid reason.

Rio_Kohitsuji · #10 10-24-2002, 10:17 AM

IN my case, I would like to have children, but if it doesn't happen that's all good also. More than likely I won't be able to have anklebiters of my own so I've always wanted to adopt. But, no little babies! I've always wanted to adopt the 'forgotten' children, all the 10 and up ages. Both of my sisters are social workers that work in Children's Homes, and the kids that are older are always looked over when adoption comes up. So, when given the chance after I get a bit older, I'm gettin' them

BearyCuteAPhi · #11 10-24-2002, 10:31 AM

I have always wanted kids...however not yet. My boyfriend and I do talk about the future and we kind of have things planned out. My opinion to have kids has never changed, even though I know that they can be a pain in the @$$, I still want some. I want 2 and my boyfriend would like 3, so we decided that 2 would be good and max is 3. However there is the possibility of twins bc it runs in both of our immediate families.

ronnie

DeltAlum · #12 10-24-2002, 11:04 AM

We have three children. They are all very special.

We purposely waited (7 years) to have our first because Mrs. DeltAlum wanted to stay at home with them, as had her mother (a college graduate) and her grandmother (also a college graduate, believe it or not). We figured by then we could afford to live on my salary alone. Well, that never happens, so we just bit the bullet and lived on half as much money as we could have for about twenty years.

I think that the added age and maturity gained over those seven years were helpful.

The three are very different -- but wonderful in their own ways. The range from a Magna Cum Laude college graduate, to a hair designer who had a serious drug addiction (sober for several years, thankfully), to a National Merit Scholar who is a freshman in college.

The last twenty-five years have been a real roller coaster of emotions, but I certainly wouldn't trade any of it in retrospect.

#13 10-24-2002, 11:31 AM

I very much want children, but like MoxieGirl, I suffered with severe anorexia through most of my "puberty years", and severely damaged my reproductive organs (and all the others too, but that's another story). I've had different doctors tell me I can or can not have children, so all I can do is pray that I will be able to. I have unfortunately already lost one child to this. If it turns out I am unable to carry, I will look into adoption.

If any of you are currently suffering with an eating disorder, right there is yet another reason for you to seek help...

Optimist Prime · #14 10-24-2002, 11:38 AM

I don't want any biological children. The world is too overpopulated. I'm not too worried about the seed being passed down, as I have other male relatives like my brother and cousin so the name can live with them I guess. I want to adopt the kids that no one wants because they are older or whatever...like the 12 year olds in foster care who keep getting bounced around. I would adopt them.

AXOLiz · #15 10-24-2002, 11:57 AM

I also want kids someday - just not for a long time. I'm seeing a bunch of my recently graduated friends getting married and having kids, and they're not mature enough to take care of themselves half the time, let alone a child. Maybe it's because I'm the oldest on both sides of my family, but I know I'm completely in my "selfish" phase right now. It drives me nuts to see the people who have kids and whine and complain about how needy the are, how expensive they are, etc. That's why I want to wait until I'm absolutely ready to be a mom. My mom told me once that, while she would never take back having me and my sister, she probably would've waited longer because once you're a mom, pretty much your whole life revolves around that role. She's finally to the point where she can start doing stuff for herself now and not have to worry about me and my sister as much, and I can't say I blame her for wishing she would've done more when she was younger.

As for how I'd have them, I'd almost rather adopt than have my own. My mom had a lot of problems having me, which I'm slightly worried about, plus there are so many kids out there who need loving homes. I get worked up enough going into pet stores and looking at the puppies behind the glass, if I actually sat down and thought about all the kids out there without families, I'd be a wreck.